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At what point is going private NOT worth it?

710 replies

lexlees · 05/11/2015 14:31

I was chatting to a friend recently and we got chatting about schools. Their only daughter goes to a top private school and it is a real financial strain on them. They reckon they spend 40% of their net family income on school fees and extras. All her wages go towards the school fees and even then only covers 2/3 of it - the remaining third comes from her husband's salary.

From my perspective I don't see how it is worth it. She maintained that it is not unusual. They just want their child to have 'every advantage' because both she and her husband went private.

Their girl is bright but didn't qualify for any bursary or scholarship and failed to get into the selective state school (they did try all three). Although the girl was top of her class in her state primary, she now feels so much pressure because she hasn't gotten an 'A' in anything yet. She is now no longer the bright one and it took two terms to make friends. I'd love to say she is a lovely girl, but honestly, she is an ungrateful and mean brat (she used to beat up/be cruel to my ds every time they were alone - then lie about it - hence I don't bring my ds anymore to their house).

They are putting minimal money into pensions and have only 'one term's worth' of savings. They haven't had a holiday for two to three years, never eat out and hardly buy stuff (except for stuff for their daughter - so she doesn't feel 'left out' at school) as they have a mortgage as well. They also don't have parental financial support or expect much of any inheritance either. I feel like my friend has changed into some penny pinching miser, always working out how to save pennies and she is just worn out from a low paid job!

It got me wondering if other people are just making ends meet to send a child or children private. Is she correct that it is normal? At what point does it become NOT worth it.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 06/11/2015 09:34

"Not in a school in special measures, 35+ pupils to a class, which can't attract or keep good teachers, has rubbish facilities and police on site to monitor the drug issue it won't. That was our local choice had we not paid"

That was literally your only choice?

wickedwaterwitch · 06/11/2015 09:35

Bertrandrussel, yes, that was literally our only choice. That or move house.

So we paid.

Kuppenbender · 06/11/2015 09:45

'Choice' is the wrong term. You get to express a preference.

Helenluvsrob · 06/11/2015 09:52

Interesting. I'm with your friend actually. Her daughter isn't as bright as all that if she didn't get into a selective school and isn't getting As. IMHO that's the child that really will benefit from a good private education.

Private education is definitely a bad thing ( on the whole) for SEN kids - the support isn't there beyond what a smaller group helps with. More help than that and you'd be paying extra if it can be sourced.

Very able kids might be benefitted buy private education but that's very school dependent. A good comp or a grammar can be as good easily.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2015 09:53

I am constantly amazed at how many Mumsnetters live clustered round the 140-odd schools in special measures!

SheGotAllDaMoves · 06/11/2015 09:53

Even in many good state schools there is still a gap, especially in the subjects I mentioned up thread.

wickedwaterwitch · 06/11/2015 09:54

Bertrand, he's 18 now so this was so,e time ago but I can assure you I'm telling the truth

Suzietwo · 06/11/2015 09:57

sounds like a larger village

DinosaursRoar · 06/11/2015 10:05

OP - if your friends only have 1 DC and are only paying for private secondary, perhaps they have taken the decision that financially struggling for 7 years out of a 30+ year career is 'worth it' to set their DD up for life? Their income won't drop when she finishes school, so can then start paying highly into a pension for the next decade, or paying down their mortgage, or having fabulous holidays, but her secondary education can only happen in these set 7 years. Being rich enough to afford it easily in 20 years time won't matter.

That she was top of the class at (state) primary but now not anywhere near the top at this school or able to get into the state selectives is telling - some bright children do 'coast' if they are in a non-selective environment, being the best is 'enough', be it being the best getting a B when actually they could get an A*.

derektheladyhamster · 06/11/2015 11:55

Our local school is Ofsted rated good, having seen friends children go there I don't regret spending all my wages on fees at Christ's hospital. I may wring my hands at his laziness but at least the schools expectations are high. And he'll get a crop of very good exam results, At the local school where my youngest has to go (he didn't pass the entrance exam for CH) the school are happy to teach to a C grade. I am spending money on tutors for him.

Most people do not have a 'choice' when it comes to secondary schools unless they can afford to move or pay fees.

BoboChic · 06/11/2015 12:14

I'm of the opinion that spending money on our DCs' education is one of the most enjoyable ways of getting rid of it fast! Not even clothes (which I love) shopping procures such great feelings Smile. These things are very personal.

The only time I think parents are really overdoing it is when they pay fees to selective schools and then have to employ lots of tutors in order for their DC to keep up. I'm not at all sure that it is good for DC to be under quite that much pressure.

WavingNotDrowning · 06/11/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2015 12:38

"At the local school where my youngest has to go (he didn't pass the entrance exam for CH) the school are happy to teach to a C grade"

If they are really doing this, go in and raise hell. They'll thank you next time OFSTED come calling .

Suzietwo · 06/11/2015 12:44

can you elaborate waving?

tokoloshe2015 · 06/11/2015 13:15

I grew up in a rural area - I don't think we were short of 'cultural capital' Grin Plenty of books, day/weekend trips etc. thanks to parents who made the effort.

I went to an excellent state comp, which had high expectations of everyone (to do the best they were capable of), fantastic holidays exploring Europe (which wouldn't have been affordable if my parents paid school fees). Plus plenty of freedom to roam around on foot, bicycle and horseback. I went on to get a post-graduate degree and have had a good career (well, on my third 'career', but changes were always by choice).

I don't think a private school could have added to that - the opposite in fact.

I think the private-is-always-better line is a myth.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2015 13:19

As I said earlier, the kids who most need what good private schools offer are the ones who are not ever going to go to one. Privilege attracts privilege..........

YesterdayOnceMore · 06/11/2015 13:31

I don't agree with " a bright child will do well anywhere"- they may do well, but will they do as well as they are able to? Will they spend their school life fighting to get an education? And will they be happy if they are the only child in the school who is bright and wants to learn?

I was the bright child whose parents thought I would do well anywhere. I did do well, but it was bloody hard work. In a better school, I could have achieved more- who knows? It certainly did me no favours when lessons were constantly interrupted and we were taught to the lowest level possible. Also, because I was so dissimilar to my peers, I was singled out and badly bullied. No way will have I have that for my children.

I am another Mumsnetters whose local school is in special measures. Ironically, it is the school I went to many years ago so I have two reasons for not wanting to send my children there. The only other school we would have a possibility of getting into, we are right on the edge of the catchment area and the school is rapidly improving and they are building more houses nearer it than us, so the hope of that school is diminishing as well. We do have several schools closer to us than these two, but their catchment areas are drawn in such a way that we would never get the children in there.

Are we thinking of private? Of course- I would move heaven and earth for my children (like most parents would) and I see it as saving them from the hell that I went through. Affording private would be a struggle, but would be worth it. And it's cheaper than moving house to a better catchment round here. It's not about snobbery, it's about my children's futures and there is a stark difference between state and private for us.

twirlypoo · 06/11/2015 13:41

bertandrussell privilege attracts privilege is utter tosh!

The whole reason my son is private is because he has come from anything but a privileged background. He is there because his dad never sees him and feels guilty enough to pay money to compensate for that. I am a single mum, I have no money. Literally, nothing. I struggle with coping with everything on my own, but I do the absolute best I can to make sure my son isn't one of the low income white boy statistics, because I desperately want more for him than that and I feel guilty for the situation he was born into. There is NOTHING privileged about his life, and to be honest that kills me.

We are all just trying to do the best for our kids. We all have different priorities and different things we would sacrifice to achieve that. We should be supporting each other, not throwing stones.

WavingNotDrowning · 06/11/2015 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2015 13:50

Twirleypoo- I'm not throwing stones.
There are lots of different sorts of privilege. Privilege and money are not the same.

Yesterday- your characterisation of state schools as places where there is only ever one bright child and you are automatically bullied if you want to learn bears absolutely no resemblance to reality. I am sorry you had an unhappy time at school. But if you had been unhappy at private school would you now be rejecting the private sector out of hand because of your experience?

Suzietwo · 06/11/2015 14:03

THIS
and I believe that the benefits of going to a local school are often overlooked when people are making the decision about whether to go private

BoboChic · 06/11/2015 14:12

I agree that going to school locally has a lot of benefits. Fortunately, our local schools are both private - our catchment state school is a long way away in another area.

Autumnsky · 06/11/2015 14:21

There is no certain answer to this. As this will depend on how good/bad is the local state school.

As for bright kids will do well anywhere, it is not true. If a bright kids has able and supportive parents, he will do well anywhere. But if he hasn't got this parental support, then a good school is needed.

DH has quite a few students(university), who managed to get good GCSE and A level and get into this good University, but then can't cope.

BoboChic · 06/11/2015 14:25

Autumnsky - do you mean that, despite the paper qualifications meeting expectations the students are not in fact sufficiently well educated/prepared for the course?

SheGotAllDaMoves · 06/11/2015 14:29

Even with parental support it can be tough.

Parental support cannot conjure up a like ability peer group.
It cannot prevent teachers leaving the profession in droves.
It cannot sort out teacher shortages.
It cannot stop silly government interference.
It cannot change SLT policy.
It cannot change the mind set of other parents.

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