At what point is going private NOT worth it?

[lexlees]

I was chatting to a friend recently and we got chatting about schools. Their only daughter goes to a top private school and it is a real financial strain on them. They reckon they spend 40% of their net family income on school fees and extras. All her wages go towards the school fees and even then only covers 2/3 of it - the remaining third comes from her husband's salary.

From my perspective I don't see how it is worth it. She maintained that it is not unusual. They just want their child to have 'every advantage' because both she and her husband went private.

Their girl is bright but didn't qualify for any bursary or scholarship and failed to get into the selective state school (they did try all three). Although the girl was top of her class in her state primary, she now feels so much pressure because she hasn't gotten an 'A' in anything yet. She is now no longer the bright one and it took two terms to make friends. I'd love to say she is a lovely girl, but honestly, she is an ungrateful and mean brat (she used to beat up/be cruel to my ds every time they were alone - then lie about it - hence I don't bring my ds anymore to their house).

They are putting minimal money into pensions and have only 'one term's worth' of savings. They haven't had a holiday for two to three years, never eat out and hardly buy stuff (except for stuff for their daughter - so she doesn't feel 'left out' at school) as they have a mortgage as well. They also don't have parental financial support or expect much of any inheritance either. I feel like my friend has changed into some penny pinching miser, always working out how to save pennies and she is just worn out from a low paid job!

It got me wondering if other people are just making ends meet to send a child or children private. Is she correct that it is normal? At what point does it become NOT worth it.

"Yes, each family differs so just pick what suits you"

What a gloriously faux naive point of view!

Well yes bertrand.

I don't deny that privilege attracts privilege.

IIRC your DS had spoken of Footlights at Cambridge as a possible route into comedy; same scenario no?

"I don't deny that privilege attracts privilege.
IIRC your DS had spoken of Footlights at Cambridge as a possible route into comedy; same scenario no?"

Well yes-except he wants to be a wildlife photographer now. But I have never denied that my children are hugely privileged.

There is a difference between school and university. In theory (although obviously this is not what happens in real life) anyone clever enough can get to any university. This is not even theoretically true about schools at the age of 10. Or 4. My point is that the children who have most need of the "stuff" that a good private school can give are those that aren't going to get it. While the childre who do get that "stuff" have got it already or would get it anyway.

Bertrand the DC with least in life could do with all the types of privilege our DC have.

Singling out independent school seems too convenient to me. Cheerfully capitialising on certain types of privilege whilst finger wagging about others is pretty absurd.

As for Footlights, well that is a perfect example of an unearned privilege as even if Cambridge were accessible to all (which obviously it isn't) no one gets a place there based on their acting/comedic skills.

"Singling out independent school seems too convenient to me. Cheerfully capitialising on certain types of privilege whilst finger wagging about others is pretty absurd."

What a very odd thing to say on a thread about private education! But then using expressions like "finger wagging" to minimise and dismiss other people's points of view in the course of a reasonably civilised discussion is pretty odd too.

"My daughter found the state school pupils worse at group discussions or tutorials or whatever they were called, almost universally than the private school pupils."

My experience, past and present, of former English private school pupils, is that they are, as a group and on average, hugely more articulate and confident than state school pupils. I agree with DeoGratias on this and reckon that the standards of both spoken and written English at private schools are something really worth paying for.

My friend has two dcs at Harrow. School fees for one term are more than I earn in a year!!!!
But its his money so good luck to them.

Not remotely odd to me bertrand.

The way in which people cheerfully use their own privilege yet dislike others doing the same is what is odd. Delusional at best, hypocritical at worst.

And what was post at 00.21 if not a finger wag?

I love these whinning middle class threads about how much of a sacrifice private education is.

Won't anyone think of the poor beaten-up Volvo crowd, living a life of destitution so little Tilly doesn't have to go to the local school and catch poor?

Dry wretch.

How succinctly you make poignant arguments for MC choices, jimmy. Who wants to expose their child to such horrid levels of prejudice? :)

Has anyone complained about the sacrifices they have made to pay school fees?

It seems to be other people deciding on their behalf that they're sacrificing too much...

I think the thread is more about the concept of value-for-money in education. Which, IMO, is a real issue!

I have no time for anyone who complains about private school, like I have no time for anyone who complains about the facilities at the local crack house. Both are a cancer on our society :)

Och I tend to keep my nose out of how others spend their own money.

One man's waste of money is another's can't do without.

Up to a point. I think we both know that there are lots of university courses that are appalling value-for-money and that it is worthwhile to attract the attention of the unwitting to that fact.

Same with education (in all its guises) for 3-18s.

jimmy I don't think anyone has complained about the private school they're using.

You haven't bothered to read the thread have you?

I don't - especially when it affects other children's lives.

I also think that the increasing globalisation of education exposes national systems' strengths and weaknesses and that is a brilliant thing.

from the OP:

"They are putting minimal money into pensions and have only 'one term's worth' of savings. They haven't had a holiday for two to three years, never eat out and hardly buy stuff (except for stuff for their daughter - so she doesn't feel 'left out' at school) as they have a mortgage as well. They also don't have parental financial support or expect much of any inheritance either. I feel like my friend has changed into some penny pinching miser, always working out how to save pennies and she is just worn out from a low paid job!

It got me wondering if other people are just making ends meet to send a child or children private. Is she correct that it is normal? At what point does it become NOT worth it."

it becomes not worth it when you realise that private education is a cancer in society, as damaging to many kids lives prospects as drugs and cramped housing. i work at a top university - 70% went to private school. They have just simply paid for their place. Wrong. Immoral. Next.

Ok jimmy you haven't bothered to read the thread.

No doubt you're too big and important.

IF you want your child to live in a society that even partly resembles a meritocracy, don't send your child to a private school.

Your underlying assumption, Jimmy, is that all DC ought to have identical opportunities. Why do you believe this?

To think that some people send their kids to these schools without a moments thought, with glee and pride, and smugness - not a moments reflection on the damage it might be causing -

• sociopathic.

bobo - because with the pressures of environment, the chances for our SOCIETIES children to make a go of it area hard enough - they don't need such opportunities eaten up by the rich and wealthy who pay for them opportunities to be far far closer to their children than the rest. How can YOU justify that? Yes, life is unbalanced and unfair - but you have to make progress, you have to start somewhere: ban private education.

bobo you're right I do think that some universities are offering poor value for money and it's wrong that they're marketing themselves to children (most young people are under eighteen when they apply).

I see this as a bit different to fully grown adults making decisions about where to spend their cash.

And to be honest, all the breast beating about poor value in the private sector is not based on any real concern, is it? It's just middle class people trying to prove (mostly to themselves) that their DC are not missing out/getting less. All a bit desperate really.