Getting DS ready for boarding school, what did you do?

[smilesandsun]

Hi,

I'm trying to prepare ds as best as possible for boarding school. Looking for any sweet ideas to make the transition less stressful.

I'm making a little photo book as a surprise. We're talking about it little and often in a very positive way (which it will be).

what else should I do?

Amarantine et al where are you? You seemed so keen to join the debate earlier on.
Oh dear fellow CABSM (children at boarding school mums) do you think we might have come across as too frivolous? I'm sure that's an unwanted emotion, quick check in the manual Indird God forbid if our children ever find out that we have might have a fun side, it will make it so much harder to turn them into sociopaths.

What kind of beauty treatment did you have HG?You seem to be in a very good mood...Maybe be I need some of what you had...I keep finding things I haven't labelled yet...Just had a call from a friend.Oldest DS is off to States for study, youngest going back to boarding school, us two old women are suddenly childless. Any advice? I suggested its time to have an affair or get a tatoo. Botox maybe? I tried manicure but didn't seem to work....

Snakes

Emigrate. The children will never notice.

I think I might be on the right track with emotional repression. In an earlier post I had originally written that DS and I were snuggling up and chuckling at Amarantine's hysterical posts, and he forced me to delete the words 'snuggling up'.

(Whispers) but he was snuggling up though.

As an ex-CABSM I am very proud of my DS's EH status. Not easily acquired at a day school.

Snakes easy; ladies who lunch.
Indrid no no no your letting the CABSM side down we never "snuggle" up with our children in a spontaneous fashion you should know that, write up 500 times I must remain cold and distant with my children.
Grovel you're also letting the CABSM side down according to those in the know (which of course isn't us we're simply deluded) we are only allowed to be proud of our children at speach days (my favourite day so glad we don't have one at Win Coll) and when they're in school productions. Lines for you too.

Easy to talk about "snuggling up" from behind the safety of a keyboard.

I can't be proud of the fact that my DS is an Emotional Husk? He had to work hard at it.

Grovel, I think, technically, being proud implies too much emotional investment. You are allowed to nod approvingly from a distance.

Yes, maybe I'm being a bit smug, you could be right. Still, baby steps, baby steps.

grovel your DS must be nearly ready to go out and oppress the seething masses to keep them in their place!

In our family the P emotion is handled by something like - "not entirey awful".

I have no doubt that boarding is absolutely great for many children, and is often absolutely the right decision for families.

However, quite often children go through upsetting periods at school. It's parr for the course for most students at one point in their education to be unhappy at school to varying degrees. Even the popularity ones. I think it must be a deeply upsetting thing, to be unhappy at school, but no respite, no break. If we have a dodgy day at work, we can go home, out our feet up and chill out. Not at boarding school. If they have an argument with a friend, told off by a teacher, feel a bit off, they have no choice but to plough on. Yes, it will give strength of character, but actually, at the time, it must be god damn awful for them.

My dd has just informed me under no circumstances should I expect a skype every night and if I call her and she doesn't answer I'm not allowed to call back later.
She doesn't want me calling her and embarrassing her that is why she's taking earphones so her new friends can't hear what I'm saying.

Definitely well rounded - Oxford private school to Bolton state school I just got on with it but I do wish I had the stability of boarding
Changing schools and homes so many times is hard work

Enjoy whist I agree lack of space can be an issue at boarding schools there are lots of adults and peers around who genuinely want to help. Most are trained to look put for unhappy children, boarding pupils can find go and find space, and the outside world isn't cut off to them, some at DS's school cycle in their spare time, other go to the gym, some just sit in the house garden, others go into Winchester itself and have coffee.
It's so easy to assume that children at day schools are living this perfect existence, a friends DS communities for 1 hour morning and evening to his day school, DS1s girlfriend (day) shared room with her younger sister up until a few months ago, six of them live in a house meant for four, others do child care whilst theirs rents are at work or even more stressful or even care for parents. There is no prefect solution.

Enjoyingthepeace - absolutely. 'This is when they will call home and you do your bit of parenting the best you can. They learn how to deal with difficult situations . Putting your feet up doesn't always help with tricky work situation.How many teenagers feel lonely, misunderstood, isolated in their own families? Lock themselves in their bedrooms, pay loud music, be rude to their family who are only trying to help - and would never admit what the problem is? They don't get that luxury at school..so they find other ways.Not the worse skill to have for the rest of their life.

At my dd school they encourage them to participate in ensembles they were at before joining the school.
You pick them up at night and take them back after.
I know this may not be typical but just goes to show that the schools differ so much.
If you are in the area and the child isn't busy over lunch time, you can call in advance and arrange to take them out.
Likewise if you fancy a trip to the theatre one night.
They aren't prisons.

Enjoying, joking aside, your point is one which I and I am sure many others had huge worries about. You can only use your parental antennae and examine and trust the support network the DC will have. Believe me, if I had thought for a nanosecond DS had been unhappy at school I would not be joking about it in the way that I am. But, boarding doesn't suit all.

I think it is the way that it seems perfectly OK to declare open season on those who do choose it which has engendered the hilarity, whereas I have never met a boarding child's parent who thought it was OK to castigate a parent for sending their child to a day school.

Snakesrule.. Your description of an unhappy teenager is like reading someone who doesn't have children or like reading a daily mail article on teenagers. Such a negative stereotype of teenagers you convey. I guess you don't know that day to day realities of having children around every single evening, so that is perhaps what you think happens when children don't board.

I'm sure the image you describe does happen in some cases. Of course it does, we are talking about a very hormonal and emotional time of life. However, when I was having a rough time at school, I would come home and not say a word about it to my parents. It wasn't serious but it was unsettling. What did used to happen was that I would sit on the sofa and my DM would stroke my legs as we watched TV. She knew something was up. She would ask but I would say that I didn't want to talk about it. A telephone would have been completely unsatisfactory. Instead I just wanted to be with her, close to her. The bad time passed soon enough, but I look back fondly on those evenings with my mother. Being as quiet supportive presence.

**they learn how to deal with difficult sitsutions". To this I have no response but

i have never met a boarding child's parent who thought it was OK to castigate a parent for sending their child to day school

Darkling, if you were given free reign to castigate parents who do not send their children to boarding school, what would you say?

Ah, OK, Enjoying. I may have phrased that badly. If you mean, do I have criticisms of parents who choose to send their children to day school but I am too polite to mention it, no I don't. Any decision made by a parent with the best interest of their child at heart (revisited where necessary) is absolutely OK by me, even where it differs from mine. (And I don't mean that as pompously as it sounds but can't think how else to say it - I hope you get the gist of what I mean. )

I suppose if you pushed me, the nearest I could come is, where finances weren't an object (a big if), then I might wonder if a child had a specific opportunity/ really wanted to board/ e.g. would give them the stability which Goodas talks about , but mainly the child wanted to do it and the parents wouldn't even consider it, then I might think - Would it not be worth even exploring? Ie all else being equal a blind refusal to consider boarding where it is in the interests of the child, or the child really would like to is possibly as bad as the cliche of the parent who sends their child to boarding school without question "because it's what we have always done. " without considering the child.

In our case DS went at 13. 7/8 would have been too early for him. We had both day and boarding schools on our list. That said, I do not assume e.g. Happy is Queen Gertrude because her son went at 7.

Does that give you some idea ?

It does darling, I understand now.

If you read my post, I do say that in many cases I think boarding would be great for children and the right decision for the family. I simply point out that when the almost inevitable low periods of school that happen to everyone (yes, everyone) at some point during the course of their schooling, whether that be difficulties with a teacher, a friend, recurring low level illness etc, the. Boarding must be particularly tough because there is no respite. Whereas for most non boarders, home offers a break. A chance to chill out and rejuvenate at home.

I think that to deny the above, to try and say that actually it gives them a chance to learn how to deal with difficult situations, or that their are adults at boarding schools trained to pick up on this kind of thing etc etc is simply being bloody mined. I am not criticising boarding schools per se. I am simply saying that during tough times, it must be acutely tough to be a boarder.

Darkling

Your last paragraph resonates with me so much. It took so much to allow dd to audition for the school let alone accept the place.
I don't mind admitting I have issues with attachment to my children and boarding would have been laughable just a few years ago.
I had to decide whether the pain I felt in letting her go was more important than her and of course it wasn't.
I know that on monday 7th September I will be breaking my heart, of course she doesn't know this.
It is so upsetting when I read posts that presume we don't love our children, but I too was like this once, so I guess it's fair enough.
It's because I love her so much I don't want to stop her doing the one thing she has dreamed of and worked towards for the last few years.
I knew the day would come but hoped she'd be about 14 not 11, but the chance arose now and we had to decide.
I don't think it's an easy straight forward answer for any parent.

Enjoying , I am weirdly feeling we may be in agreement Your second paragraph describes exactly the main worry I had. I know you weren't dismissing it out of hand.

I assume you meant "Darkling" rather than "darling" Although I'll take it . We boarding school parents have to take our affection where we can get it

NL4M - I felt bereft when Ds first went. That's not the main thing. He was happy. I could cope. I'll be thinking of you on the 7th.

Enjoying - I was describing an extreme case,just for a contrast. I have 5 DC - 2 of them boarded, 4 of them in their eary-late 20th.. I tried it all and would never claim that boarding is better then non boarding or vise-versa. It depends a lot on the child, the school, parents circumstances etc.May be I did not put my point very well. All I wanted to say that children can have difficult time anywhere, at home or at school. Sometimes being at school teaches them how to resolve problems for themselves. And I think this is a very good thing