So upset about school report. feeling like a shitty mother

[Harriet220909]

Had my son's school report back yesterday and I'm really upset
He hasn't met any of the targets for he's year. Not one.
I know I should have done more with him at home but I have an extremely demanding toddler, I'm stuck in a one bed flat so there's nowhere for him to go to do he's homework and I feel so shit.
He's such a bright child bit completly lacks confidence due to him being behind. He's writing is unreadable and when he asks me to read he's writing I try so hard to and he's little faces just crushes when I get it wrong

I feel awful and like I am failing him. He's got an awful father who never helps there's just little old me trying to do everything

And now he's behind and he knows it. Today he told me he feels stupid after attempting he's homework. I can't afford a tutor, how can I help him?

I just wish the school had told me he was behind instead of me having to read it on the report at the end of the year. I would have pushed him harder and tried to do more

michaelt1979.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/dear-parents/

Lweji- he may be only five, but he's the end of year one, and year two expectations are high. He is being schooled in UK not in other countries that start later (IIRC you're from mainland Europe, yes? ) so things do need addressing now.
However, what needs addressing first is how he is feeling (as lots have said). Op, please when he says he feels stupid, ask him why. Acknowledge his feeling then try to find ways that he thinks will stop him feeling like that. Things like 'oh sweetie, I'm sorry you feel youre stupid. You know., I don't ever think you're stupid, because you do x y x so well. If you think you can't do x very well, shall we practise it together at home? '

Please don't feel bad about yourself or your son. Blame the shitty, fucked up system that has 5 year olds feigning illness because they're made to feel stupid at school. That is not right. Read to your son every day, take him to the library if you can, help him to love books and he will read and write in his own good time.

mrz that is one incredibly helpful list.

Op read the blog linked above for info on the new curriculum. The teachers are as frustrated as you, believe me. They are probably trying their best for your son, the government has moved the bar. Try to relax, play counting and writing games at home and enjoy your wonderful ds.

For a summer young boy - the writing 'delay' may just be a fine motor skills issue ( ie he finds it harder to control the pencil thn a girl 11 months older iyswim).

In your shoes - I wouldn't nag on 'work' over holidays - but maybe do some arts & crafts projects - and use these as a subtle springboard to develop fine manipulation skills - as well as imagination etc. At a slightly older age (over a period of a few months), my DS really enjoyed making a model village. He constructed & painted wee little houses, put wheels on matchboxes for cars etc, collected up some nature bits to dress up the scene. Then he named his village, moved in some little pound shop people, and made up some stories about them. It was his 'idea' to do this - but in retrospect it was something that was good for both his development and his self esteem.

Regardless of where he is schooled or the year he is in, you can't change biology or how the brain develops.
Not fundamentally.

Many parents report how their children catch up with their peers and even overtake them during primary school.
An early start or early delay is virtually meaningless.

The point is that it's in no one's best interest to push too much children at this age. Unless the teacher is incompetent, it looks like she knows this and isn't particularly worried. Most likely because she has seen many children in similar circumstances just catching up during year 2.

Do talk to the teacher, though, and find out what she thinks.

Another thing that may help is a cheap little white board. My ds was so afraid of making mistakes he wouldn't write anything but white boards can be edited really easily and just seemed more fun.

I was you two years ago, it does worry you as your son, like mine compares himself, we found trying lots of out of school activities that helped his confidence, I understand this of course depends on money, but I expect he is brilliant at something his peers aren't, my ds could swim really well that worked for him. We also got him reading the Beano, can you stretch to a comic a week?, we found that reading something that engaged him got him reading. I do think the curriculum is crazy for kids of this age, too much is expected. My ds was bottom in everything at 5 and has caught up and exceeded in some areas such as reading in sats. They do grow and change and those two years have made a huge difference. I read to him a page and he would read me a page, I made sure he read the smaller paragraphs, that increased his confidence. I do feel for you, having a toddler as well makes it harder. Once his confidence increases everything will fall into place.

I think the only rule you should remember for English is that there aren't any rules (at least none that always apply).

I would find out from his teacher which sounds he is unsure of and work on those (silly sentences containing lots of words using the sound).
I would also find out the type of words he finds difficult when blending (to read) segmenting (splitting to spell) most children are fairly OK with consonant vowel consonant words like cat, dog, fish, rain, but some start to struggle when there are two or more consonant sounds at the beginning or end of words nest, string, plank and some just panic when they meet long words.

it all needs careful teaching not assumption that if they can read fat they will be able to read flat or if they can read cat they will be able to read caterpillar

Lots of people will have good suggestions. I just wanted to say don't beat yourself. He's young. There's plenty of time. You don't need a tutor for a 5 year old. Will you have some free time over the summer?

Also, to msz, I considered requesting that my son started year 1, after moving from the UK, in his late 5s. Instead, he only started at a late 6 and he's basically sailed through the first four years. Definitely the best decision.

I'd be telling your son that he will catch up with his peers and that it's normal to not be able to do some things at 5, and celebrate what he has achieved so far, instead of listing what he can't do.

Can i suggest you ask him to read his work to you? Say mommy needs glasses ... Get out this summer ... walk to the park, have a picnic, go to the library ... talk about everything you do, give him pennies to play/recognise add take away .. get some chalks and write on the walls outside ... keys and a lock are good for FMS ... boys like them. Yes to the white board ... count in halves... talk about time ... use quarters .., language is a big barrier to learning time ...

I think you need to back off, tbh. The child is 5, fgs.

I'm pleased you found a way to support your son Lweji but not really helpful to the OP unless you are suggesting she try to persuade the school to educate her son out of year?

We have a system that we have to work with whether we like it or not so have to find the best ways to ensure no child feels stupid. you were fortunate enough to be able to educate your child out if year but that option isn't open to most people.

I use a Busy Finger Box in the classroom but you could easily find most things at home

1. Pegs –

You need pegs of different sizes, clothes pegs, small bulldog clips, stationery clips etc. Get the children to use one hand only at a time. I usually get them to peg about 10 pegs of different sizes onto the sides of a gift bag. They might put them on with their left hand and take them off with their right. They can also try squeezing the pegs between the first finger and thumb (on each hand) then the middle finger and thumb and so on.

1. Elastic bands –

Elastic gymnastics! – Start by putting 2 elastic bands (the same size) around the thumb, first and middle fingers, ask the child to open and close the fingers. Then add another 2 elastic bands and so on. The more you have on, the harder it is to move your fingers. These exercises help to develop the muscles which make the web space when writing.

1. Beads –

Get beads of different sizes and thread. Ask the children to thread some beads onto their string. The smaller the hole obviously the harder it is to thread. Develops hand/eye coordination.

1. Ball bearings and tweezers –

Put the ball bearings in one little box and ask the child to try and pick one ball bearing up at a time with the tweezers and place in a second small box. If this is too tricky try using Hama beads and tweezers.

1. Floam / Playdough –

These products are great for squeezing and rolling which provides necessary sensory feedback and helps to develop hand strength. Ask the children to squeeze the dough and roll it with the palm of their hand.

1. Doodle board –

The Doodleboard is just a way of children practising handwriting patterns or letters without having to commit them to paper. Provide some patterns and shapes to copy.

1. Gummed Shapes –

Give the children a sheet of plain paper and ask them to make patterns or pictures with the gummed shapes. Just picking up on shape at a time, licking it and then sticking it down all help to develop hand/eye coordination and the pincer grip.

1. Hama Beads –

Hama beads are good for pincer grip and hand/eye coordination. The children have patterned sheets to copy and peg boards to put them on.

1. Lacing cards –

Also good for hand/eye coordination. Just give each child one card to lace.

10. Bean bags –
    Give a child 4-5 bean bags and place a container about 3 feet infront of them. Ask the child to try and get as many beanbags in the container as possible. (Hand/eye coordination)

11. Chalk and blackboard –
    If you can, try and wedge the blackboard between two tables and provide the child with a piece of chalk in each hand. Ask them to draw the same pattern with both hands at the same time on both sides of the board. This helps develop bilateral movement.
    Allow the children to draw patterns, shapes and letter shapes on the blackboard. The chalk gives sensory feedback and sound simultaneously.

12. Stencils –
    Children can use the stencils to make a picture. Helps develop pencil control and special awareness among other things.

13. Feathers –
    Ask the children to try and balance a feather on different parts of their body. This helps to develop balance and coordination.

14. Handhugger pens –
    Hand hugger pens are the triangular shaped pens. These help the children to establish a better pencil grip.

15. Tissue paper strips –
    Place the child’s palm (at the wrist) on the end of a strip of tissue paper. Ask them to only use their middle finger to get the paper to scrunch up under their hand.
    Repeat, but this time place the side of the child’s hand on one end of the tissue strip and ask them to only use their thumb to scrunch up the paper and bring it under their hand.
    These activities really help to develop the hand arch, web space and muscle tone of the hand.

16. Stickers –
    Children love stickers. Just peeling them off provides an opportunity to develop fine motor skills and hand/eye coordination.

17. Peg boards –
    These can be peg boards where the child has to place pegs in the holes, maybe copying patterns.
    They can be the boards with plastic pegs already on where they have to stretch elastic bands between them to make patterns.

Don't beat yourself up
Ask the school to put him on an individual education plan, he will then get extra support at school.
At home, you could read to him / with him.Don't worry about school books, use books that he is interested in, you read a bit and let him read a bit, even if it's only individual words. Let him see what he can do, building up his confidence and self esteem.
For maths , again focus on practical things , counting money at the shops, weighing things when cooking. Lego bricks or dry pasta are great to use as counters. Keep it simple and run so he doesn't feel like he is constantly doing homework.
Kids learn a lot more through play than they ever will using lots of worksheets.
Re reading...have a look at Mr. Thorne does phonics on tube. This will help you learn the sounds so you can help your son better. Ask school for a copy of phonics sound cards to use at home.
You sound like a great mum and with a little bit of fun based extra help he will be fine.x

Fabulous ideas mrz will give many of those a try and try to avoid 'homework' style books.
He loves arts and crafts so will try and do loads over the summer

My DD is a September baby and also just finishing reception her writing is good and legible HOWEVER when she started in September (the same age your son is) it wasn't.

She's the best reader in the class but again she's older than a lot of them and when she started in September she could just about read basic sentences which is probably where you son is now.

Play games over the Summer, do lots of mark making, a paintbrush and a pot of water on the pavement is always good, get to the library and find some books he is interested in. Don't push him as he'll hate it more make it fun. Buy or borrow CD books if you don't feel you have time to read to him, the ones that read along with the books are good so he can follow the words.

I agree with mrz's approach of facilitating some of the skills development by playing lots and lots of games. I would also keep telling him that he is doing very well and that he should not compare himself to other much older children.

You should tell yourself that he is a star, he is in the environment, where a lot is demanded of him, he is the youngest being compared to much older children. Please remember that. Above all, children don't develop linearly, they are organic, education system ignores it. You are his last defence, OP, and you should protect him.

And don't beat yourself up, OP! I bet you did not know that you could have requested admission authorities allow your summer born boy to start in reception class once he reached CSA. It is not encouraged, because as ever the bureaucratic system loves box-ticking and everyone fitting into neat chronological batches.

It is not well-accepted that summer born children perform significantly worse in school than those born at the start of the academic year. They have lower scores and their confidence suffers a lot. Schools supposed (and claim) that they are support such children by differentiating the curriculum, but does it really happen? Not in your case.

From a quick google:

www.theguardian.com/education/2013/mar/08/summer-born-children-educational-inequality from this study
www.independent.co.uk/news/education/schools/when-should-summerborn-children-enter-the-classroom-10070852.html

Also sounds interesting but haven't gone through it. www.parliament.uk/business/committees/committees-a-z/commons-select/education-committee/dfe-evidence-check-forum/summer-born-children/

Sorry, I meant to write "It is NOW well-accepted that summer born ..." phone-typing is not great.

Thank you Lweji for pointing it out.

Bear in mind that in some schools children are deliberately given 'low' starting points so their data looks good. If the school assesses them as lower than average in reception but then average or above average by year 6 their improvement (cva) data looks good.

There is no evidence that starting to read and write before age 7 is beneficial in the long term. No need to push him, just lots of encouragement when he does read or write and read to him and with him whenever you can. It must be so difficult with the toddler too.

Didn't mean that to sound critical of teachers btw, it's just politics, they have to play the data games and jump through the ofsted/ government hoops. loving MrZ's suggestions thank you these are useful for my DS too

Even at the end of year 1 nothing you've described should be worrying either of you. Maybe get some handwriting sheets from school and practice them with him over the Summer (no more than a few mins a day!) but honestly, don't stress and keep reinforcing that he is doing fine.

The handwriting thing is no indication of intelligence anyway, fine motor skills take time!