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So upset about school report. feeling like a shitty mother

396 replies

Harriet220909 · 11/07/2015 22:50

Had my son's school report back yesterday and I'm really upset
He hasn't met any of the targets for he's year. Not one.
I know I should have done more with him at home but I have an extremely demanding toddler, I'm stuck in a one bed flat so there's nowhere for him to go to do he's homework and I feel so shit.
He's such a bright child bit completly lacks confidence due to him being behind. He's writing is unreadable and when he asks me to read he's writing I try so hard to and he's little faces just crushes when I get it wrong

I feel awful and like I am failing him. He's got an awful father who never helps there's just little old me trying to do everything

And now he's behind and he knows it. Today he told me he feels stupid after attempting he's homework. I can't afford a tutor, how can I help him?

I just wish the school had told me he was behind instead of me having to read it on the report at the end of the year. I would have pushed him harder and tried to do more

OP posts:
mrz · 12/07/2015 07:33

Sorry should have read thread more carefully before posting.

In September 2014 the government introduced a new curriculum which raised expectations. so some children who would have been on track to meet old expectations have failed to meet them. unfortunately this does mean that Y2 will be a challenge and with new tests to face I think it's important for you to have a frank discussion with his teacher about how you can work together to support your son and help him feel better about himself.

Exactly what does he find difficult? The physical act of writing? Thinking of what to write? Spelling?
You need a clear picture from school to plan how to help.Good luck

Baddz · 12/07/2015 07:36

I agree about alphablocks!
It's great and taught my son his sounds in pre school.
Reading each night is important.
Does he get homework?
My ds is year 1 and has a reading book, spellings and maths.
Can you join your local library? They often have events on over the summer.
Bear necessities by sound foundations is the best reading intervention out there imo
Good luck x

WireCat · 12/07/2015 08:12

Op, apologies, my post last night was harsh x Flowers

It is hard.

My older 2 are on high school. Believe me, they do all even out in the end.

Best wishes.

Lweji · 12/07/2015 08:16

Exactly what does he find difficult? The physical act of writing? Thinking of what to write? Spelling?

He's bloody 5!

I was happy for my DS to be able to write his name and some letters and recognise some words at that age.

Too much pressure on young children before they are often even ready, which certainly makes big dents on their confidence. No need for that.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/07/2015 08:35

Been an August baby makes a big difference at this age. It matters less as they get older. Dd was a year behind when she was in year 2. Now in year 9 she's in top sets for everything.

You could buy some handwriting practice books. I remember I found some in pound shops and also in The Works which were cheaper than Amazon. I didn't do them with dd as such. But sat her down and said today I want you to do two pages. And she did them on her own. If he did 20 mins a day over the holidays it will really help. The books often have stickers for rewards and I used to bribe dd with the promise of a cheap toy at the end of the week if she did it every day.

We still do this. She's struggling a bit with maths so we've agreed 30 mins of maths every day in the holidays and I'll upgrade her phone!

VivaLeBeaver · 12/07/2015 08:36

Oh and get him some pencil grips. They made a massive difference for dd.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/07/2015 08:37

these

addictedtosugar · 12/07/2015 08:39

We've just finished Y1 as well, but 3 months older than your son.

His report was good, but parents evening was a case of "if we'd had this meeting a week ago, it would have been we are worried. But everything suddenly clicked, keep going" and he has flourished in the past half term.

Believe the teachers on this thread more than me, but we separated the ideas from the writing. He couldn't cope with both. So eitherbh he'd tell me the story, I'd write it, and then he'd read it back, or we'd plan a story (maybe 3-4 lines) and I'd write a bullet point plan, then he would write the sentences. Maths we'd share out sweets or grapes or blueberries so everyone got the same number, work out how many hours til something nice happened ( so its 9 now, and friend is coming at 11. How long til they are here?). So putting numbers into everyday conversations.

Good luck, he is still tiny, and ( this is the important bit) not stupid.

Flowers
mrz · 12/07/2015 08:44

Yes Lweji and he's feeling stupid and upset so you saying he's five isnt really helpful.
In 10 months he's going to be faced with SEVEN new tests ( may be externally marked and certainly more formal than this year) so do you suggest the OP sits around saying well he's only 5 (6 or 18) or do you think it's a good idea to look for the best ways to help?

mummytime · 12/07/2015 08:45

I have always said if there are any big surprises in the end of year report then I will be cross (with the school). I should have been told of any problems before, as at the end of the year it is too late to work with that teacher on changing things.
Go to the school talk to his teacher and ask for advice on things to do with him over the summer. Ask to speak to his next year teacher and see what she plans to do to help him.

Praise your son for effort. Help him learn that trying difficult thing even if we don't do it perfectly is the way to learn. Fake it if necessary,Mobutu model to him the fun of being challenged and trying difficult things (crossword, balancing on a log, putting together IKEA furniture etc.).

mrz · 12/07/2015 08:48

I agree with addicted ... He needs to be able to say what he wants to write before he can begin to write ... Making up stories or even just short sentences to begin with. He then needs to be able to remember what he's going to write (count the words on his fingers, draw a line for each word, put a gummy bear or raisin on the line for each word and he gets to eat them). Try dictating short sentences can he remember what you said?

Lweji · 12/07/2015 08:55

I'm saying to be careful about addressing it and being too worried at this point.
In all likelihood he'll just click and not much that is done over the holidays will have any effect one way or the other.
In fact, I remember reading how pushing children to read before they were ready had a detrimental effect rather than beneficial.

mrz · 12/07/2015 08:57

Great advice if it's not your child who feels stupid and you can afford to take the risk that it won't suddenly click

mrz · 12/07/2015 09:01

You seem to be confusing helping with pushing

Lweji · 12/07/2015 09:01

In fact most countries recognise this and think that children are only 5 and don't expect them to perform in this respect before they are 6. Yes, he'll have tests by the end of next year. That's what next year is for. For them to grow and catch up.

I'd relax over the holidays, build up his self esteem and start next year with a watchful eye and pushing the teacher for regular updates.

In fact, despite the report, I bet the teacher would say the same and is not particularly worried. Because she probably knows children and how much they change at this age and how they just click at some point. The report is an observation about how he is now, not a prediction of how he will be.

Harriet220909 · 12/07/2015 09:02

Good morning. Want to say thank you to everyone again. I think I worked myself up last night and I feel a bit better today.
I knew he may struggle a bit due to he's age, but wasn't prepared for how much he was going to be affected.
I'm not the sort who wants him to be great at everything, just want to bring him a bit closer to the rest of the class so he can gain confidence in himself. He shuts down and won't try very hard if he feels he can't do something so I feel that may be a huge part of the problem.
It's mainly maths and writing he's struggling with, and reading apparently according to the report (I actually think he's reading is pretty good)

I'm going to speak to the teacher see what I can do to help him as alot of the report I don't really get, one of the targets was blending phonemes and grapheme which I don't know what they are!

Also get some exercise books and do half hour in the mornings over the summer

Thanks again everyone!

OP posts:
Lweji · 12/07/2015 09:04

My child was pretty much the same at that age. He's on the top group of his class of fairly good pupils at 10.
He still could have much better handwriting.

Lweji · 12/07/2015 09:07

I was just reading an article about not doing homework in the holidays.
Find excuses to talk about numbers, play games, write shopping lists, little notes. But the holidays are to rest. They are already pushed too hard and too soon.

mrz · 12/07/2015 09:07

Phonemes are the sounds of our language graphemes are the spellings that represent those sounds. So basically the teacher wants him to be able to hear /k/ /a/ /t/ and say cat and to know how the sounds are spelt.

HexBramble · 12/07/2015 09:09

OP, bless you, don't panic.

It's bloody awful that this is the first time you're having this kind of feedback from his school. Get there this week before term ends and ask to see what strategies they have to help him.

This summer, I would focus on his confidence. Poor mite feels very low about himself it seems. Anything he does, whatever mangled model or story he writes you I have many from my eager 6 year old pop it up with blueytack on your wall.

He WILL catch up, just make sure he knows that you love everything he does (I'm sure you do but your confidence sounds as bruised as his) and work at something he loves doing.

SweetCharityBeginsAtHome · 12/07/2015 09:10

I'd explain to him about the August birthday thing - how it's not surprising that younger children don't know quite as much as older children (compare him with his younger sib) but that this becomes less important as you get older so he will catch up (I'd illustrate the point with coins (or sweets), showing that the difference between 3 and 4 coins is really obvious but the difference between 10 and 11 coins isn't, but that's just me).

Do you have a local library and is it doing the summer reading challenge? I'd sign up, go often, and pick books he can manage, complete the challenge and make a big thing of him getting his medal at the end.

Chin up OP. If nothing else your younger DC won't be a toddler forever. Any moment now you'll be reading Winnie the Witch to both of them.

Harriet220909 · 12/07/2015 09:13

Thank you mrz. He's quite good at that can do simple ones like cat/dog etc.

There's so many rules to the English language it's any wonder any of us ever learn it, I didn't think about it till trying to teach a child it!

Lweji last year they had a holiday project to do which he really enjoyed, he had to write a holiday diary to show he's new teacher, he was so proud so I hope he's giving something like that again that he actually enjoys so it doesn't feel like homework.

OP posts:
clairedunphy · 12/07/2015 09:14

Sorry to hijack but mrz do you know if the book linked to above (What Every Parent Needs To Know...) is still relevant?

The description says it is based on the new curriculum from September 2014. Are the new changes wildly different or do you think most of it would still be fairly accurate?

My DS is also going into Y2 in September, he's doing fine but is terrible at telling me anything much about what he's been doing so a bit of insight would be great.

Thanks

mrz · 12/07/2015 09:14

For physical problems with writing

Fine Motor Skills
Things to remember:
Upright working surfaces promote fine motor skills. Examples of these are: vertical
chalkboards; easels for painting; flannel boards; lite bright; magnet boards (or
fridge); windows and mirrors; white boards, etc. Children can also make sticker
pictures; do rubber ink-stamping; use reuseable stickers to make pictures; complete
puzzles with thick knobs; use magna-doodle and etch-a-sketch as well. The benefits
for these include: having the child's wrist positioned to develop good thumb
movements; they help develop good fine motor muscles; the child is using the arm
and shoulder muscles.
Fine Motor Activities
Moulding and rolling play dough into balls - using the palms of the
hands facing each other and with fingers curled slightly towards the palm.
Rolling play dough into tiny balls (peas) using only the finger tips.
Using pegs or toothpicks to make designs in play dough.
Cutting play dough with a plastic knife or with a pizza wheel by holding
the implement in a diagonal volar grasp.
Tearing newspaper into strips and then crumpling them into balls. Use
to stuff scarecrow or other art creation.
Scrunching up 1 sheet of newspaper in one hand. This is a super
strength builder.
Using a plant sprayer to spray plants, (indoors, outdoors) to spray snow
(mix food colouring with water so that the snow can be painted), or melt
"monsters". (Draw monster pictures with markers and the colours will run
when sprayed.)
Primary
Picking up objects using large tweezers such as those found in the
"Bedbugs" game. This can be adapted by picking up Cheerios, small cubes,
small marshmallows, pennies, etc., in counting games.
Shaking dice by cupping the hands together, forming an empty air space
between the palms.
Using small-sized screwdrivers like those found in an erector set.
Lacing and sewing activities such as stringing beads, Cheerios,
macaroni, etc.
Using eye droppers to "pick up" coloured water for colour mixing or
to make artistic designs on paper.
Rolling small balls out of tissue paper, then gluing the balls onto
construction paper to form pictures or designs.
Turning over cards, coins, checkers, or buttons, without bringing them to
the edge of the table.
Making pictures using stickers or self-sticking paper reinforcements.
Playing games with the "puppet fingers" -the thumb, index, and middle
fingers. At circle time have each child's puppet fingers tell about what
happened over the weekend, or use them in songs and finger plays.
Place a variety of forms (eg. blocks, felt, paper, string, yarn, cereal,
cotton) on outlines
Match shapes, colour, or pictures to a page and paste them within the
outlines
Primary
Self-Care Skills
Buttoning
Lacing
Tying
Fastening Snaps
Zipping
Carrying
Using a screwdriver
Locking and unlocking a door
Winding a clock
Opening and closing jars
Rolling out dough or other simple cooking activities
Washing plastic dishes
Primary
Sweeping the floor
Dressing
Scissor Activities
When scissors are held correctly, and when they fit a child's hand well, cutting
activities will exercise the very same muscles which are needed to manipulate a pencil
in a mature tripod grasp. The correct scissor position is with the thumb and middle
finger in the handles of the scissors, the index finger on the outside of the handle to
stabilize, with fingers four and five curled into the palm.
Cutting junk mail, particularly the kind of paper used in magazine
subscription cards.
Making fringe on the edge of a piece of construction paper.
Cutting play dough or clay with scissors.
Cutting straws or shredded paper.
Cutting
Use a thick black line to guide cutting the following:
A fringe from a piece of paper
Cut off corners of a piece of paper
Cut along curved lines
Cut lines with a variety of angles
Primary
Cut figures with curves and angles
Sensory Activities
The following activities ought to be done frequently to increase postural muscle
strength and endurance. These activities also strengthen the child's awareness of
his/her hands.
Wheelbarrow walking, crab walking
Clapping games (loud/quiet, on knees together, etc.)
Catching (clapping) bubbles between hands
Pulling off pieces of thera-putty with individual fingers and thumb
Drawing in a tactile medium such as wet sand, salt, rice, or "goop".
Make "goop" by adding water to cornstarch until you have a mixture similar
in consistency to toothpaste. The "drag" of this mixture provides feedback to
the muscle and joint receptors, thus facilitating visual motor control.
Picking out small objects like pegs, beads, coins, etc., from a tray of salt,
sand, rice, or putty. Try it with eyes closed too. This helps develop sensory
awareness in the hands.
Midline Crossing
Establishment of hand dominance is still developing at this point. The following
activities will facilitate midline crossing:
Encourage reaching across the body for materials with each hand. It
may be necessary to engage the other hand in an activity to prevent
switching hands at midline.
Primary
Refrain specifically from discouraging a child from using the left hand
for any activity. Allow for the natural development of hand dominance by
presenting activities at midline, and allowing the child to choose freely.
Start making the child aware of the left and right sides of his body
through spontaneous comments like, "kick the ball with your right leg." Play
imitation posture games like "Simon Says" with across the body movements.
When painting at easel, encourage the child to paint a continuous line
across the entire paper- also from diagonal to diagonal.

HexBramble · 12/07/2015 09:15

Oh and I'd agree about the homework. Look for any other way of bringing learning into every tasks, just DONT sit him at a table with school sheets or worksheets this holiday. This is a battle I have with my DH - my DD's (9&6) have been pushed and 'coached' with the National tests this year and were often in states of distress and anxiety Angry - I want them to have a proper break. Getting them to help me write shopping lists, chores, counting my purse for the day for spends etc is a delight for them and aids their learning. DH on the other hand is planning on taking school work for them and I could scream.