So upset about school report. feeling like a shitty mother

[Harriet220909]

Had my son's school report back yesterday and I'm really upset
He hasn't met any of the targets for he's year. Not one.
I know I should have done more with him at home but I have an extremely demanding toddler, I'm stuck in a one bed flat so there's nowhere for him to go to do he's homework and I feel so shit.
He's such a bright child bit completly lacks confidence due to him being behind. He's writing is unreadable and when he asks me to read he's writing I try so hard to and he's little faces just crushes when I get it wrong

I feel awful and like I am failing him. He's got an awful father who never helps there's just little old me trying to do everything

And now he's behind and he knows it. Today he told me he feels stupid after attempting he's homework. I can't afford a tutor, how can I help him?

I just wish the school had told me he was behind instead of me having to read it on the report at the end of the year. I would have pushed him harder and tried to do more

He's 5? And he says he feels stupid? And he gets homework? Bloody hell, that's ridiculous.
He's only 5, be gentle on yourself OP, and on him.
By all means ask his teacher about how to help and encourage him, but at 5 life shouldn't be about feeling stupid and worrying about homework.
Make up some games around the house - get some felt tips - big ones, easy to handle and help him write labels to stick around the house, play hangman (or whatever the modern pc equivalent is), get together and write little stories about his favourite cartoon characters, draw a picture and write about it.
Libraries if they still exist often have children's story times in the holidays, go along to that sort of thing if you can.
Do lots of counting when you are out walking, like counting how many steps to the post box/house with the green door/ corner of the street , make a guessing games and see who 'wins'.
Get him to look at the prices when you shop and try to add up (round the figures up to make it doable).
Read the packets in the kitchen, let him help with cooking and finding packets, weighing pasta - that sort of thing.
Please do not worry too much at 5 - you're a good mum because you care and want to help him. Please believe that.

I mean this nicely...bit chill the fuck out.
He sounds like he's feeling pressure from you.

Please OP don't worry about his levels. My DS was like this at his age and also struggled in yr 1 and much of year 2 and it's just started to fall into place towards the end of yr 2 (he's now 7). He's my DC2 so less worried about levels (had that angst with PFB) but was much more concerned about the impact on his confidence. He cried going to school, cried during school, complained about stomach aches, sore throats etc, it broke my heart. I kept going in to see his teacher and talked about the impact on his confidence and that I was concerned about about his long term relationship with school and they did help (small breakout group with a TA to support those struggling) and found other ways to praise him and make him feel good about himself (he's good at PE!). At home, we read together at bedtime, trying to ensure he sees reading as something that brings pleasure. We all grow and learn at different rates, it will come.

My DS is a summer born. At the end of Y1 he was that same as your DS. Y2 report - he is at expected for Writing and above expectations in everything else. I have seem an utter transformation in his (new teacher, he matured, he was ready etc etc). There were also a group of 4 or 5 other children in a similar place at the end of Y1. All have achieved expected Y2 SATS results in everything.

First thing to do

1. speak kindly and gently to your son - reassure him he is not stupid, he is wonderful, clever (name some stuff he is great at that he knows he is great at iyswim) and just on the start of a journey of learning - he doesn't have to have got everything now - he will get there. Give him a big hug and reassure him. Big up his self esteem - the stupid school have given it a knock - you need to love it back into existence.

2. Speak kindly to yourself. You are not stupid/a crap mother etc etc - any more than your DS is stupid. Big up your own self esteem. Agree with your son that each day you will tell each other great things about yourself and about each other. Believe in what you say about yourself. And what he says about you. Be kind to him. Be kind to yourself. Imagine a kindly warm person talking in your head - would they say you were a crap mother? Or would they say you are doing a great job, you care, you are doing a brilliant job on your own.

3. Speak to the school. Ask why it is such a surprise. Ask if they have any resources you can use during the holidays (books, fun worksheets, handwriting exercises etc). Don't worry if you don't use them much - but if you can do a bit just to keep him practicing stuff it will all help.

4. Please don't worry. Though I know it is tough. He is very, very young.

Wire cat, it's not from me at all. I was just shocked at he's report which I received yesterday. I always encourage and tell him he's work is great. It is alot of pressure, I feel the same but worry about he's confidence. He's the sort of child who compares himself to others, sees others doing better and completly clamps down and feels bad. Now I know he's behind I get why he feels that way. Just feel so bad I didn't pick up on it before, feel like I could have done a whole lot more for him in the sense of praising him, making sure he does he's reading every day instead of every other day which we have been doing.
Keep moving, we have always done story time at bedtime, and he gets so excited when he recognizes a word. I will try encourage him to try and read he's books from home more.
Op sorry can't remember which username yes he's an August born so will be going into year 2 in September.
Thank you everyone I am feeling a bit better and will try and chill a little

But of a boost, thank you so much for your post, it is so reassuring. If I'm honest I am the type to completly over worry things, ds is looking like he is the same, so I worry over him worrying and work myself up into a state.( I Don't let him see that)
He's report said he needs to work on being in dependant. He does need alot of encouraging and praise but is that really so bad for a small child? I am definatly going to make an appointment with the school and have a good chat about it all see if there is anything they can offer over the summer to boost he's learning

There are loads if kids, especially boys, who take longer to have readable handwriting, 5 is still so very young, and the fine motor control needed is still being developed. Play games tht require following lines with a finger / pencil; squirt shaving foam into a tray / table and write silly letters / draw patterns with a finger, or with finger paints - lots of fun ways to work on that hand / motor control without is seeming like 'writing'. He'll get there, so enjoy the summer and your boy and try not to worry so much or give yourself such a hard time

Bit of a boost sorry silly autocorrect!

Having had just such a lad - please stop berating yourself and putting yourself down, please. All that negativity can get picked up by your child and end up being I'm crap, she's crap, he's crap, I'm crap - emotional tennis!

My boy was a late starter, the whole school process made me feel rubbish. Now he's 14 and just done really really well in his exams, he is bright and very hard working.

Schools are under so much pressure to assess kids that they end up assessing them to the point of the kids who are not doing brilliantly - being able to sense that. It's such a shame. I don't blame the schools, this has been ideologically driven by the last three governments imo.

kids develop very differently, some kids develop numeracy and literacy skills later. Honestly, just think of your child as unique and just encourage encourage and encourage, whatever he is interested in will be the vehicle to his literacy and confidence. Whatever thing he is passionate about let him explore and develop his skills naturally.

The school don't sound like they have been really clear with you.. Having said that my dc's report raised things that could have been raised sooner, that would have helped me.

Keep feeding back and say to them that your confidence is knocked by this (if you feel you can be honest) schools know that that's bad for the child. It's important that you keep saying what can I do to support him.

But if you do start pushing your child they will sense the dutiful grimace at 100 paces. Find things that help his levels in activities he likes - that's the way it worked for me.

One thing to remember is to praise the effort made, rather than the outcome, so that he knows you're pleased he tried hard... even if the output is wonky.

OP as others have said, don't be so hard on yourself

Lots of boys are "behind" for their age at KS1, all these targets really are just rough guidelines for an age group who's development is still vary varied.

Boys often take a lot longer to pick up writing than girls, I really wouldn't focus on it too much or he could become anxious and nervous about it.

Just encourage him gently, have a meeting with school by all means to discuss how he is doing but most importantly put the report behind you and enjoy the summer holidays.

Goodness me, he's 5 not 15! Honestly this report means not a lot. My DS is almost 9 and he couldn't read or write much until last year. He's fine now.

It's a maturity thing so just try and relax. And homework? He shouldn't have an abundance of it just yet

Whose very

Thank you everyone I feel so much better, was a bit worked up in a state of panic! I will try and chill and not push too hard but encourage him. Thanks again for all your support its very reassuring to speak to mums with children of all age groups. Felt I was doing so badly with him, and now feel I'm doing ok.

YOU are not failing him, his TEACHERS are failing him.

You shouldn't find out at the end of a school year that he hasn't met targets. Many meetings should have taken place prior to this one to sort things out. If anything, the school have a lot of explaining and answering to do.

At that age you just need to let them go at their own pace . it really doesn't matter if they keep up with their peers they will get there in the end. My husband is a bit like you though and panics about our son being delayed. I'm not worried at all. I was so behind that the school threatened to keep me back a year (America). Though my career isn't brilliant I've always achieved good results academically when it mattered.
And tbh hand writing isn't that important. ( I work with doctors!)
I like to focus on other things with my son like science. We do mini experiments and I get time to think about things. It boosts his confidence.

He's 5 so I'm assuming a young year 1 child.
My son was similar. Bright lad. Struggled with reading and writing. Age 7 its slowly clicking.

Trying buying / borrowing this book.
www.amazon.co.uk/What-Every-Parent-Needs-Know/dp/0241004721

You say hesdad isn't great? What's going on there?

I agree with Allisgood1. There is no way you should have been broadsided like this at the end of the year.

Since there has been bedwetting and faking illness, and he was doing well the previous year, and he has said he is stupid, I am inclined to think there has been something going wrong in the classroom -- maybe he senses his teacher doesn't like him or maybe the classroom is chaotic or maybe other children are nasty and getting away with it.

I also agree with the posters who said to always praise effort and to ignore the result. Telling a child they are clever is as bad as telling them they are stupid. It can have horrible effects as children who have been told they are clever/smart, etc., can be knocked back in a serious way when they encounter work that is a challenge to them.

Just as an aside, is English your first language? You spell 'his' as 'he's' and I wondered.

He's 5 and very young for all this ratlet race.

Bedtime is good for reading, even if you do it and just get him to point at words. Read signs whilst out. Cooking, counting bricks when playing with toddler - making up stories out on walks, being a nice person - and I have to say my ds has had award after award at school and then I got his report - it's a stinker! Bizarre.

You don't need a tutor, you need a routine, and some achievable goals in line with the school. Are morning better for him? Over breakfast you play word bingo or count together? Organise his toys? Help him with a scrapbook for summer - and let him be creative and enjoy it.

Children do learn through play and a 5 year old who is stressed is all wrong, and not your fault. Reassure him you think he's fabulous. A child who thinks he's stupid is already crushed - good job it's hols soon and you can build him up. And help him- little goals, achieve able ones, plus always fun stuff.

Mrz is definitely female ????

I agree with those posters who say the end of year report shouldn't be the first time you are hearing this. What did they say at parents evening?

Is he a young Y1 or just finishing reception year?

My daughter started year 1 not really able to write her name. It turns out that she probably has dyspraxia. The school have been very good and kept me up to date with how they were helping her and her writing is now a lot better.

I've never 'pushed' any of my children and my 11 year old is very academic.

You most certainly should not blame yourself. But the school should be addressing this issue if there are any concerns about your sons development.

Just on a slightly different tack - what is going on with your toddler so that you don't get any time to yourself/with Ds to look at writing and reading?

Might it be a good idea to think about encouraging independent play there a bit, or reviewing your days so you aren't run ragged all the time?

If he doesn't know all his phonic sounds and you have unlimited WiFi, I can recommend Alphablocks. You can find it on YouTube. Series 2 is the basic single letter sounds, then series 3 and 4 have the rest. Series one is better watched last. It is great fun and has all the correct pronunciations.