Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

I think down-time is really important for kids, just as it is for adults. Life is short, really, and there ought to be opportunities for a person to just 'be', without always having to be racing from one thing to the next.

OP, I can't work out what you want from this thread. Applause from random strangers for the sacrifices you are making for your dd which your friends are unwilling to make for theirs? Or a vindication of your dm's sacrifices.

Or is it that you actually can't allow yourself to accept that state schools can be as good (or better) than private ones, and that children can and do succeed from both sectors, because then your - and her - sacrifices might not actually have been necessary after all.

Do t worry rabbit he gets 22 weeks of time to mix with others and think for himself.
Boarding children obviously have significantly more time to "mix with others" because they are mixing with so many 24/7.
In retrospect I think the prep school did over do it, I know why they did it but it's a lot for a small child. In fact the day children at his predominately full boarding prep were worse off. For the boarders time on prep was limited, in the summer they went to bed later and just mucked about in the schools extensive grounds with their mates, swam in the pool etc, my DS used to come home so tanned where he'd just been outside enjoying life, no a TV, or computer games, sometime they walked to the local beach and threw stones and ate ice creams. In contrast the day children often went off to tutors, music lessons extra cricket lessons and God know what when finishing at 6 30.

Some kids need more.
But both sectors can provide. Or the parent can top up outside.
Some kids need a slower pace.
I dunno what's better.
(One system that serves all children but that's never going to happen I guess.)
My eldest DS has a heavy schedule with choral services etc but he needs it. My DD on the other hand genuinely needs to slump in front of CBBC at 3.30.

Although tbh ds3 at private school isn't forced into activities either. He keeps signing himself up for stuff so I told him to stop after a while as it was getting too much.

Sounds just like my dd saintly! She will sign up for anything and everything, would never have a break! Her main thing is dance, and that alone takes up loads of time - several hours of classes each week, then exams, shows, galas etc. That would all be manageable, but then she insists on doing loads of other stuff as well! Netball, tag rugby, swimming, school choir..! Thankfully I persuaded her that she'd have to give up some stuff as I was concerned about burnout - so Brownies and Mandarin Chinese were given the push!

I know your only teasing rabbit* but the concept of emphasising with others was drummed into me in my training I learned the importance of it long before I met others not like me. It's an attitude of mind not about who you've mixed with or are mixing with.
Last year I had a student following me around we we're working with a tragic refugee family they are know to be very difficult, but they like me because they think I understand them! I asked the student what her understanding of the word empathy was she'd never even heard of the word she had two week of her training left. She was very good at pointless paper work and using today's meaningless jargon, so she'll go far.

Yes, I can imagine that being a day pupil at a boarding school is possibly the worst of all worlds! But I suppose the parents must have a reason for choosing that.

Most parents who send their DC's to boarding school are not control fanatics you just can't be, you'd drive yourself your DC and the school round the bend, most of the parents who sent their DC's as day children to my DS 's prep were I very ambitious pushy and incredibly controlling this is why they wouldn't let them board snow though their DC's wanted too.
Obviously a generalisation but this thread is full of those.

Even though not snow!

jimjams But state educated children can actually do do those sorts of things as well. Some of them do actually take part in activities at a high level that require lots of high level training

Yep. My 3 state educated kids are just off to the theatre do do their 7th performance this week, to a packed house and probably another standing ovation. And my eldest will be off for her week with a National youth ensemble soon.

Thank you Tupprnytice :)

Tuppenyrice no, I have not gone to watch the footie. England were flops :0

I am not looking for applause either just wanted to see what MN thought on my question. As one poster mentioned, there will never be one school system that fits all. All I know is 30 years later my old area, there has been progress, but not enough.

Sorry I think private primary is a waste.

What do you think op you're getting that state primaries can't provide?

Secondaries are about exam results and with private secondaries connections that can help with uni.I can see why some may be tempted but primary sorry I don't.

retro without a doubt a top prep (I'm talking about a 13+ one) is offering to 7/8 yr olds and above a significantly broader curriculum/facilities etc than a state primary however good can ever offer, also in many sporting provision is in another league. They also offer good advise about the future senior schools. We would never have considered my DS2's current school if our prep hadn't suggested it as we were aiming only for SPS. But this is what your paying for, and ultimately it's nice to have it but it's not necessarily essential for your child's actual learning outcomes.
Finally a top prep like Dragon or Summer Fields will also do a very thorough job at preparing it's very able pupils for the KS/Election but we're only talking about 40 or so boys a year so in the grand scheme of the things few want or wish for this.
As said above it's all about circumstance and what your future hopes and plans are for your DC.

I don't find people just going to private secondaries after state school for primary. Everyone this road for example and the roads around 100% sends children to private school right through. I don't know a single local resident who has used state schools at all. I certainly never went to a state school either and nor do my siblings children.

Such as?

If you are comparing 'failing' inner city comps with severely deprived intakes and demotivated teachers with public schools, then clearly the public schools will win. Sad but unquestionable. And of course a lot of poor but bright working class kids are not getting the opportunities to shine that they should. I don't think anybody disputes that.

But that isn't the comparison you were making - you were comparing mediocre public schools to outstanding grammars. If you have educated, middle class parents sending their kids to the good-to-excellent local comprehensive/grammar, then yes these kids will do just as well as in run-of-the-mill public schools. In fact better - the evidence shows that for equivalent A-level results, comprehensive school pupils get better degree classes than public school kids. Having interviewed hundreds and hundreds of them over the years, I can completely see why. Public school gives polish, confidence and a certain degree of basic competence. Good as far as it goes. But sparkling and free-thinking intelligence, grit, self-motivation and originality? You can't pay for your kids to acquire that, sorry.

You sound like you're trying to convince yourself you're doing the right thing while simultaneously managing to offend many who just don't care about their kids and send them to state school. From all the detail you've given it's clear this is a massive issue for you. Suggest you spend less time obsessing about it and be a little more in your decisions within feeling the need to belittle others who make different choices.

Clearly that line about those who don't care about their children is tongue in cheek!

Retro are you aiming your "such as?" comment at me? Perhaps I'm being a bit dozy here but such as what?
zoem I have DC's in both sectors DS1 is at a very good sixth form college, the children who come here from the college are all delightful and some are very bright aiming for the top universities but I wouldn't describe them as more "sparkling" and or having a more "free thinking intelligence" than those I know in the independent (mainly boarding sector) they also don't appear to have more "grit self motivation or originality" either. In fact in all honesty Im often surprised by how narrow their knowledge is (all MC white) and if you really pushed me I would say that the boys from DS2 school have much more "free thinking intelligence" and "originality".

So white mc equals narrow knowledge.

Yes it was to you re this broader curriculum and knowledge state schools can't possibly provide for 7/8 year olds.Advice re future schools sorry any internet provider can give that.

OP, it might be sensible to avoid school discussions with people, it's not hard to do that. How you spend money is your business.

On your posts you make some unpleasant assumptions about people with (you guess) sufficient money to pay for private education who choose not to do so, and the quality of state education.

Your argument about whether people not paying fees for primary will really save up/make the financial commitment to secondary makes no sense. If people can afford and want to, can save for the 7 years for secondary private and use it and pay out less later, basic maths.

Tallandgraceful when you say:

"Poor parents [...] support through reading at home, good home cooked meals, nice clean family environment"

Why? Are poor parents incapable of going to the library? Do they not know how to cook? Are they incapable of cleaning their house?

We earn below the poverty line, my children go to the library twice a week, I am able to cook cheap, nutritious meals (and they are learning how to as well) and the house is always spotlessly clean. We don't need to be rich to be able to do those things.

Don't assume that poor people are automatically poor parents.

retro I don't believe that a state primary school can provide the breadth of curriculum that a top prep school can provide and yes you can get advise about future senior schools off the internet but prep school staff make suggestions based on their personal knowledge of the child and of course their parents which is equally important. So Win Coll was suggested to us when my DS was about 8 years old not just because he was very bright but because of his personality. Another equally bright child with a different personality was advised to look somewhere else. Then of course preps (the name is a give away) prepare children for CE and other entrance exams at 13+ state primaries or secondaries don't do this either why should they?

So elaborate on this breadth,broader curriculum and knowledge.