Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

[PercyPorkyPig]

• at what cost to family life? parents of pupils at 'indies' on MN saying how exhausted they are, commuting, doing several jobs, stretched financially beyond belief to pay fees -just what is the point? Step-back, breathe, there are alternative stress-free existences where your DC can be the best that they can be without the pressure of parents chasing tails.
  

As an educator, I see many students weighed down by the burden of unreasonable parental expectation who simply do not have the natural talent and ability to succeed in the setting they find themselves in. The happiest students are those who truly feel 'at home'.

[rabbitstew]

TheLateMrsLizCromwell - My dh (privately educated) would be the first to admit that private schools, particularly boarding schools, are quite good at getting the naturally lazy to work reasonably hard by regimenting their lives for them. He was told when to do "prep," organised into doing lots of sport, told to do at least x number of "extra-curricular" activities, etc. I (state educated) wasn't told when to do my homework, wasn't made to participate in huge amounts of sport, wasn't required to do a certain number of extra-curricular activities, wouldn't have been expelled if I didn't do much more than just turn up every day. I CHOSE what I did beyond the lessons the school provided. I suspect that is one of the reasons why state educated students with similar grades go on to do better at university, on average, because the lazy state educated have already been weeded out by not doing that well at GCSE and/or A-level, or if they haven't been weeded out, they will have learnt the lesson before they get to university, that self-discipline is a necessary requirement in the big, wide world where you don't have someone telling you what to do and when for a very large part of your day any more. The "spoon feeding" therefore is nothing to do with whether you can do "independent research," and more to do with whether you bother to get on with your "independent research" when someone isn't breathing down your neck and telling you that for the next 2 hours you will be doing your "prep" whether you like it or not, etc, etc.

[rabbitstew]

I therefore think it's likely to be more of an issue at other universities than at, eg, Oxford, where you see your tutors every week and get rusticated if you don't do your work, something of which they will be aware pretty damn rapidly.

[summerends]

rabbitstew I disagree about the effect of enforced homework time from private schools. Firstly many private schools are day schools. Secondly although most boarding schools have a quiet time for homework, pupils are left to get on with it whilst pupils doing homework at home are more likely to have their parents keeping an eye on them and prompting organisation.

[rabbitstew]

I'm just repeating what my dh has said about his experience, summerends - he said that he got on with his prep, because if everyone else was doing it, it was easier to get on with it as expected than to do nothing and have no-one to talk to. He worked far harder at school this way than he had done at home with his mother nagging him before he went to boarding school, because at home you can just think your mother is a nag and find ways to evade and delay, but at school, everyone else is doing it, so it's harder not to conform... So, you may disagree, but in at least one person's case, you are wrong! And in at least one person's case, as soon as he went to university and not everyone was sitting around at the same time doing their work, he didn't get any work done!!!

[summerends]

Rabbit believe me unlike your DH's era a boarder who wants to be distracted during that time has plenty of chances in this technological era . Plus they can always chat to their room mates. I agree that peer pressure of hard working is more effectiveness than parental nagging.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Imo private school was a waste of money but I went to one and didnt like it. I also recently taught at one, was disgusted by the behaviour, left and have been cery happy teaching at the comp. My stuff though. Not a waste bif thats what you want. Lots of opportunities for the kids.

[mrswt]

We moved our son from an excellent local state primary at the end of year 3. It's a tough call because whilst academically it was absolutely brilliant, because of that so many people wanted to send their kids there and the class sizes were big, up to the maximum in every year i.e 30. Our son who was quite shy and quiet at the time struggled with the big numbers in class so we sent him to a private boarding school but as a day pupil at the start of year 4. My son is a good average student but needs to work hard to keep his grades up but as he is very sporty and a gifted rugby and cricket player we sent him knowing this school had amazing facilities. Four years on we are completely disolusioned with the place. From the start we realised that a lot of the children had special needs and some were medicated for ADHD. Classes were very small but there was always disruption and bad behaviour, it was a real eye opener. As he went through there were some decent boys that joined but many have dyslexia, ADHD, Aspergers, Dyspraxia with all the associated problems. My son feels totally undervalued as his perception is that these kids get all the attention from teachers and many of them are rewarded over the children who don't have special needs. We have been told again and again that our son is a credit to the school but he never receives any accolades, or for his sporting achievements there. We had hoped he would get deputy head boy or house captain or even prefect but those were given to boys with special needs and one who shouldn't even be in that year and is constantly kept down. We have given up complaining and have come to realise that a lot of people send their kids to private primary schools because they can't cope in the state sector because of special educational needs. We now wish we had saved our money and sent him private at 11 or 13 to a decent sporting school and persevered with the state system early on. Academically this place is no great shakes and it's important to realise that if you choose carefully there are some excellent state schools, primary and secondary.

[Hoppinggreen]

For us it's simply that we managed to get our children into a good state Primary but there isn't a state secondary anywhere near us that we would want our children to go to.
So it will be 11+ for both of them with private ( hopefully with scholarship or bursary) as back up.

[mrswt]

Excellent, sounds a sensible choice. I only wish we had done the same.