Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

[Jinsei]

Actually happy, I agree with your last post. I don't think kids who have gone to private schools are any more materialistic than kids at state schools. If anything, the super-rich tend to be less bothered about stuff, because they just take it for granted.

[Tuppenyrice]

While it may be annoying to hear people say you're wasting your money it's also pretty offensive when your friends who choose prep over state say ridiculous things like "oh my DD is so tired because she just does so much more."
Erm ok.
Last time I checked we had the same alphabet down at the poor school ;)

[happygardening]

You're right Jensai the obligatory designer sun glasses aside, and a few hand made suits, although most of us patronise M and S, most of boys I've met don't seem to be clad top to toe in expensive clothes and although there is of course the odd Ferrari Aston etc parked around the school it's not the norm in fact I was only thinking last week at the open day for current parents how scruffy normal most of the parents looked.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Happy, you say "Not once has he been flummoxed when he's visited others who aren't even as fortunate as we are...." and also "We are in a tiny minority because we live in a "normal house". " - That would be why then.

[Wadingthroughsoup]

OP: At the risk of sounding uncharitable, I have to point out that your punctuation and grammar is not quite what I'd expect from someone who was privately educated. Are you sure independent schools are such good value for money?

[Jinsei]

Oh, let's not pick apart the OP's grammar and punctuation, FFS! We can have a proper debate without stooping to that level...

[happygardening]

Tuppeny prep schools often have significantly longer days rightly or wrongly (wrongly IMO but then a I wouldn't have sent mine to school till yr 2/3 if I'd had my way) and often at least 2-3 sessions of games/PE a week, my DS at his boarding prep did 5 a week including three whole afternoon (as did the day children), they had 30 acres to play in, they did Saturday school, and changed classrooms and teachers for every lesson from yr 2. Quality of education/learning aside this is significantly more tiring for a small child than sitting in one classroom all day, having one session of PE a week and going home at 3 PM.

[lljkk]

um... so OP's mum had 3-4 jobs, all menial, mostly cleaning and supported a family of at least 5 on that salary including 2 in private schools?

Um, um, um....

[happygardening]

Quintessentially neither do his wealthy friends seem flummoxed either in fact from personal experience I have found them significantly less "flummoxed" than poor children in the homes of the mega wealthy.

[Jinsei]

But happy, lots of kids in the state sector are probably busy too - dd's school only does PE twice a week, but there are lunchtime and afternoon sports clubs every day. Add to that the fact that most kids do sports or activities outside of school, I'm not sure it's do very different, is it?

[rabbitstew]

happygardening - if you aren't spending all your money on exhausting your children in the one private school, you can spend your spare money exhausting them outside of school, instead.

[Jinsei]

so very different, not do.

Someone will be along to critique my grammar and spelling soon too!

[saintlyjimjams]

State educated children don't go home and stare at the walls

[happygardening]

When my DS was at prep the day children started at 8 30 in the morning, he had 1 1/2 hours for lunch where they were expected to be in a club, three afternoons a week did at least 2 1/2 hours of games a week, often travelling to other schools in the county sometimes twice a week for matches and then did a club before going home at 6 30 often later if they were rehearsing a play etc and then did prep 45 mins from yr 2. Then add in moving around the school site at every lesson, constantly having to change from uniform to PE kit to uniform to PE kit/swimming stuff for a lunch time sport, to uniform for a lesson, to PE kit for rugby then say riding clothes for your 2 nd school club, once when my DS was 7 he complained he'd got changed 8 times in a day. I'm not saying it's right but this is significantly more tiring for a child than attending a primary school and going to an after school club, then sling in boarding and most prep school children and even those at senior schools are absolutely exhausted by now. This is why some parents say their DC's are much more tired.

[rabbitstew]

To what extent can you really understand and empathise with people you don't mix with? It's a question often asked of David Cameron. You could ask the same of happygardening's ds.

Avoiding passing judgement on others is not the same thing as understanding and empathising with them. It could be seen as a way of avoiding having to think too much about it.

[rabbitstew]

And exhausting children from a very early age doesn't give them much time to mix with others or think for themselves, either, does it?

[happygardening]

By the way it's not a badge of honour to say your children are more tired than a child in a state school your child doesn't get extra brownie point later in life or get fast tracked to heaven. Its just a result of the way many prep schools especially rural prep schools organise their day, nothing more grand than that.

[Tuppenyrice]

Big difference between a great busy day of sort and music and drama and just lots of extra tutoring etc. you should see the posh uniforms emerging from the tanks parked outside the tutor who lives opposite me. Her eyes have dollar signs.
They're all on this hamster wheel of paranoia and they can't get off... Those are the ones I feel sorry for.
Those are the ones who make me feel happy my younger 2 are in local primary and my DD in her £5 summer dress :)
But hey, each to their own!

[Jinsei]

Yes, I do agree that kids at boarding schools probably don't get much chance to properly relax, and your son's routine sounds crazy, but I don't think kids at independent day schools are that different from state.

I must admit, I would hate for my dd never to have any down time. I would be complaining to the school if I were in your position, as it doesn't sound healthy for the kids to be pushed to the point of exhaustion.

[saintlyjimjams]

But state educated children can actually do do those sorts of things as well. Some of them do actually take part in activities at a high level that require lots of high level training And some privately educated kids go home and don't do much else.

[happygardening]

I've never lived a deprived life, I've never been an alcoholic or a drug abuser, I don't have significant learning difficulties affecting my parenting skills, I don't even get on a bus that's running late but this doesn't mean I can't empathise with those who I work with, who are in these situations, one of my strongest points according to my recent appraisal unlike pointless paper work). When I have the misfortune to try and train others I really work at encouraging empathy with those we work with as this is IMO one of the most important and under estimated skills, it's only then will we really give them the best service and will we be true advocates for the children. IME of my students, brighter people empathise better regardless of background, empathy requires you to think outside of your little world (wealthy or deprived) and and to really use your imagination and too see the world from a perspective which is often alien to you. Thick people from all walks of life frankly struggle.

[saintlyjimjams]

The advantage of being at a state school is that you're not forced into the extra activities. DS2 does a lot of training in one activity. I think it's getting a bit much alongside everything else and homework, so I'm thinking from September he can drop swimming lessons & have an extra night of no set commitments.

Although tbh ds3 at private school isn't forced into activities either. He keeps signing himself up for stuff so I told him to stop after a while as it was getting too much.

[rabbitstew]

So you mix with others not like you, happygardening. Your ds, less so, so far. This is fine if you are intelligent, but not if you are stupid.

[rabbitstew]

(Only teasing).

[Tuppenyrice]

Anyway where is the OP? Gone to watch the