Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

[mrswt]

Excellent, sounds a sensible choice. I only wish we had done the same.

[Hoppinggreen]

For us it's simply that we managed to get our children into a good state Primary but there isn't a state secondary anywhere near us that we would want our children to go to.
So it will be 11+ for both of them with private ( hopefully with scholarship or bursary) as back up.

[mrswt]

We moved our son from an excellent local state primary at the end of year 3. It's a tough call because whilst academically it was absolutely brilliant, because of that so many people wanted to send their kids there and the class sizes were big, up to the maximum in every year i.e 30. Our son who was quite shy and quiet at the time struggled with the big numbers in class so we sent him to a private boarding school but as a day pupil at the start of year 4. My son is a good average student but needs to work hard to keep his grades up but as he is very sporty and a gifted rugby and cricket player we sent him knowing this school had amazing facilities. Four years on we are completely disolusioned with the place. From the start we realised that a lot of the children had special needs and some were medicated for ADHD. Classes were very small but there was always disruption and bad behaviour, it was a real eye opener. As he went through there were some decent boys that joined but many have dyslexia, ADHD, Aspergers, Dyspraxia with all the associated problems. My son feels totally undervalued as his perception is that these kids get all the attention from teachers and many of them are rewarded over the children who don't have special needs. We have been told again and again that our son is a credit to the school but he never receives any accolades, or for his sporting achievements there. We had hoped he would get deputy head boy or house captain or even prefect but those were given to boys with special needs and one who shouldn't even be in that year and is constantly kept down. We have given up complaining and have come to realise that a lot of people send their kids to private primary schools because they can't cope in the state sector because of special educational needs. We now wish we had saved our money and sent him private at 11 or 13 to a decent sporting school and persevered with the state system early on. Academically this place is no great shakes and it's important to realise that if you choose carefully there are some excellent state schools, primary and secondary.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Imo private school was a waste of money but I went to one and didnt like it. I also recently taught at one, was disgusted by the behaviour, left and have been cery happy teaching at the comp. My stuff though. Not a waste bif thats what you want. Lots of opportunities for the kids.

[summerends]

Rabbit believe me unlike your DH's era a boarder who wants to be distracted during that time has plenty of chances in this technological era . Plus they can always chat to their room mates. I agree that peer pressure of hard working is more effectiveness than parental nagging.

[rabbitstew]

I'm just repeating what my dh has said about his experience, summerends - he said that he got on with his prep, because if everyone else was doing it, it was easier to get on with it as expected than to do nothing and have no-one to talk to. He worked far harder at school this way than he had done at home with his mother nagging him before he went to boarding school, because at home you can just think your mother is a nag and find ways to evade and delay, but at school, everyone else is doing it, so it's harder not to conform... So, you may disagree, but in at least one person's case, you are wrong! And in at least one person's case, as soon as he went to university and not everyone was sitting around at the same time doing their work, he didn't get any work done!!!

[summerends]

rabbitstew I disagree about the effect of enforced homework time from private schools. Firstly many private schools are day schools. Secondly although most boarding schools have a quiet time for homework, pupils are left to get on with it whilst pupils doing homework at home are more likely to have their parents keeping an eye on them and prompting organisation.

[rabbitstew]

I therefore think it's likely to be more of an issue at other universities than at, eg, Oxford, where you see your tutors every week and get rusticated if you don't do your work, something of which they will be aware pretty damn rapidly.

[rabbitstew]

TheLateMrsLizCromwell - My dh (privately educated) would be the first to admit that private schools, particularly boarding schools, are quite good at getting the naturally lazy to work reasonably hard by regimenting their lives for them. He was told when to do "prep," organised into doing lots of sport, told to do at least x number of "extra-curricular" activities, etc. I (state educated) wasn't told when to do my homework, wasn't made to participate in huge amounts of sport, wasn't required to do a certain number of extra-curricular activities, wouldn't have been expelled if I didn't do much more than just turn up every day. I CHOSE what I did beyond the lessons the school provided. I suspect that is one of the reasons why state educated students with similar grades go on to do better at university, on average, because the lazy state educated have already been weeded out by not doing that well at GCSE and/or A-level, or if they haven't been weeded out, they will have learnt the lesson before they get to university, that self-discipline is a necessary requirement in the big, wide world where you don't have someone telling you what to do and when for a very large part of your day any more. The "spoon feeding" therefore is nothing to do with whether you can do "independent research," and more to do with whether you bother to get on with your "independent research" when someone isn't breathing down your neck and telling you that for the next 2 hours you will be doing your "prep" whether you like it or not, etc, etc.

[PercyPorkyPig]

• at what cost to family life? parents of pupils at 'indies' on MN saying how exhausted they are, commuting, doing several jobs, stretched financially beyond belief to pay fees -just what is the point? Step-back, breathe, there are alternative stress-free existences where your DC can be the best that they can be without the pressure of parents chasing tails.
  

As an educator, I see many students weighed down by the burden of unreasonable parental expectation who simply do not have the natural talent and ability to succeed in the setting they find themselves in. The happiest students are those who truly feel 'at home'.

[TheLateMrsLizCromwell]

Usual myth about independent schools hothousing. I have friends who are lecturers at Oxbridge who scoff at this mumsnet myth, which some parents are desperate to believe. And as a teacher in state schools I see much more spoon feeding (especially around controlled assessment which are basically written for them) than my DC in an indie, who are expected to do far more independent research and reading around the topic. And again it all about Uni - and school as a means to an end - why the obsession with Uni? in any case, if you are satisfied with the education your children are getting, and others aren't then that is the reason they are prepared to pay for the right school for their DC. As we were.

[PercyPorkyPig]

My DC loved both their state primary school and state [non-selective] comprehensive School - they took full advantage of School clubs and a range of outside activities, and have both become well-rounded and socially confident adults. Interestingly, more than a few of DD's course-mates who were privately educated dropped-out of Uni early on, unable to hack the independent study necessary to succeed having been wrapped in cotton-wool and hot-housed to within an inch of their lives way beyond the level of their natural abilities. That's the real misery suffered by many whose parental expectations exceed their common sense.

[TheLateMrsLizCromwell]

I bang my head in frustration when people seem to think that it doesn't matter how miserable a time DC have in school as long as they get into a top university! You only have one shot at being a teenager - no consolation to have a rubbish time and then 'get into a good university'. I want my DC to enjoy their schooling, not just get through it to a destination.

[minifingers]

The main reason people send their children private is to separate them off from thick and badly behaved pupils who they feel drag their children down. Also to give them more teaching time - very important if your aim is to advantage your children so they can scrabble up over the backs of similarly bright state educated children (who have had less money spent on them and less attention from their teachers), when it's time for the handing out of university places and good jobs.

[minifingers]

Thelatemrscornwall - how is it then that many non-selective state educated children do brilliantly and end up at top universities? And actually once at university do better than privately educated peers who enter with similar A level grades?

[PercyPorkyPig]

We live a stress-free simple yet fulfilling rural life - basic semi with very manageable mortgage meant that I could be a SAHM (and look after my own DC giving them a great start) until both of my DC went to local village state primary, never rated -yet-anything beyond 'satisfactory/ requires improvement' but with a great community sharing & caring feel and yes, a great learning environment. Both DC went to a standard Comp, achieved well,- our eldest has just graduated with a Masters [with First Class Honours] and has just secured a PhD studentship. Like us she does not want a highly paid job, just to excel in her field of research to benefit the wider community. Natural talent, a will to succeed, - no expensive tutoring needed, no school fees, no long commute and rush hour traffic, no long working hours, no rat-race. FAB!

[TheLateMrsLizCromwell]

I have taught in outstanding state schools, and every penny we spend sending out DC to indies is well spent. They mix happy with people from all backgrounds - school is not the only place is meet and interact with people - and academically there is just no contest. They are not there because of results, they are there because it is a learning environment, which does not exist in the same way even in an 'outstanding' non-selective state secondary school. Parents, unless they have been teaching in schools, have no idea how the learning environment compares.

[TheLovelyBoots]

Not at all. Our state option is a school in special measures. There is no chess, violin or computer programming.

[lainiekazan]

Yet another crackpot who thinks that state school children spend their spare time from the age of 4 swilling lager at the bus stop, or if it's raining doing Call of Duty marathons.

[TheLovelyBoots]

Obviously, one of the main reasons that people send their children privately throughout is so that reading for fun/violin/chess/computer programming etc is normalized among their peer group.

[Iownafourinchporsche]

Not read thread sorry. But wanted to add that I see infant years as play time and a chance to make local friends. So state is great in my eyes for infant years.

[Teddingtonmum1]

My ds is weekly boarding at a private secondary in september and i was letting the dentist know that he can only come in the holidays now and was surprised when dentist was asking me about bursaries!!! Sign of the times??...

[Molio]

Also (apologies for not having read the whole huge thread) very obviously some independents at primary are less good than some states, though vice versa, and the same at secondary level. It all depends on area. If all the schools in my area were equally good, I'd go state, for social reasons and because it can bring advantages in uni/ job terms these days.

[Molio]

My DC at Oxford, despite my own limited means, are heading towards jobs they hope they'll enjoy, regardless of money. I think Oxford has given them the independence of thought to work it out for themselves, and not necessarily be City lemmings.

[Tallandgracefulmum]

Ellie,
Thank you for your post. As mother's we all want the best for our kids and sometimes it does take sacrifices, which are worth it; be it sticking it out in well paid job, embarking on 2 or 3 jobs, moving house or staying put, enduring grulling commute, holidaying every half term or once a year, investing wisely. upskilling etc.
Best wishes. :)