Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

And not always so articulate/grammatically correct for a stellar education...

Hedge I do not disagree. I just hate that some think it is a waste to send the kids to private from a young age and would happily say it out loud.
I just never wanted to get to a stage where I'd save the 100k per child and then because of divorce, lost it all, or the banks went bust or due to inflation the money saved cannot even pay for university tuition or even scratch the surface for a house deposit.
I'd rather spend money now ( and still save for them; I believe if you can only afford one set of fees, then primary is the best use of money, but that is my view) provide them with an education which I believe is of value to them and will enable them be very successful. Others do it the other way round.
The money I am still saving for them but those funds may still not be given to them when they get older, may give it charity, they need to know, I have given them something more valuable, education.
No one can take it away from them.

HercShipwright
And there is nothing wrong in that if you love the gym. I would not tell you are wasting your money.

Anyway, lots of families spend too much money on foods that end up in the bin, but that is another thread.

I just hate that some think it is a waste to send the kids to private from a young age and would happily say it out loud

Why would this bother you? For many kids it may well be the truth.

Heck I sent my younger two to private primary (not secondary) and I think for years 5 and 6 it was a waste for ds2 (actually I think it was more than a waste I think it was damaging for him ). Wish we'd moved him. There's nothing magical about a private school that makes it instantly better than the state schools around it.

Private school are very good most of the time. Public school depend in your area and on the stuff. But if you can afford it better a private school. For sure.

Herc ah

but I had an expensive membership 300 quid a month, used to spend 150-200 per month on hair, up to 700 on clothes, roughly 1500 -1600 per momth sould be spent on my self.

Our family, we have cycles of spend and enjoy and save and take it easy. Once I got my first job, I did all the above, because I had nothing much growing up. Once I had first DD I reverted to the saving mode, then once the last is in school I'll revert back to spending money on me again.

OP - I'll have some sympathy with your viewpoint if you are sending your DCs to a really amazing private school. But you are suggesting that sending them to any run of the mill private school is a hugely important investment in their happiness and future success. I disagree. In fact, some private schools are worse than the local state schools. Presumably the parents who send their DCs there assume that they are better just because they have to pay. Snobbery kicks in here too.

saintlyjimjams
not saying there is anything magical, just saying its not a waste of my monies or anyone else who chooses to do so at an early age, perceived benefits or not.

Yes, we all care about what people think, I care what my clients think, I care what my bosses think. My friends, those who are snide, I do not seek their approval I just want to agree to disagree, not a constant, barrage of money wastage.

Getting a new set of friends, well I don't keep that many, and these particular women, I know them too well to know that it is just a front. I point is that we all want the best, my own version of best is different.
I know that private was the best thing for me and has enabled me to do very well despite not coming from a traditional private background.

I am glad I posted, seems many would do, even for secondary in a heartbeat, but many would not break their backs to do so, so I guess the level of determination is different for everyone and thats fine.

Hedge,

Again, yes maybe a middle class child with supportive parents ( used often on MN) does not need to attend a run of the mill private school to do well.

But if a child from a uneducated family got the chance to attend a run of the mill private school with a bursary say with the current fees 70% discount and the family worked two jobs to pay the rest. That child will do better than if they had stayed in their local state offering which was more than likely to be schools that are not achieving the best results.

I live in Cheshire and there are some very poor private schools here. Stuffed full of not very bright children parented by people with poor attitudes to education generally and a sense of entitlement which causes discipline issues.

I would not pay to send my child there. Others are very good, and if they are the best option at the time for my DC, we'll send them after looking at them and the option of the excellent state primaries. Hopefully, the DC will get into the local grammar schools but if not, or if they're not the right fit for them, then we'll reassess again.

tall - your kind of blanket approach does you no favours. My strong impression from your posts is that you can't or won't look at what school would be the best educational fit for your DC. Instead you seem obsessed with shoving your private school agenda down everyone's throat. It doesn't matter to us - it does matter to your DC

What I also find striking is your comments about your DC becoming the next usain bolt etc. what about them being happy? Or just achieving the very best they can manage? There seems to be no acknowledgement if them as individuals. Obviously everyone wants their children to do as well as they can, but they're not cyphers of you. I'm a lawyer and my DH is a dentist, but I'm quite aware that one of my children might be very arty or want to be a mechanic or whatever. That's fine. They're individuals.

I know you shouldn't bring other threads on to this thread, but I find it telling that your deciding on the number of children you should have based solely on ensuring that you have equal numbers (ie 4, 6 etc). What about what is best for your existing children?

I understand that you are, apparently, in a professional occupation, but no amount of money or organisation is going to allow you to properly parent 6 DC whilst holding down a job as a lawyer. Unless you intend to totally outsource their care and emotional well being to someone else. Which I have seen happen in my firm. But the person in question only had two children as felt it wouldn't be "fair" to inflict that type of upbringing on anymore. Even they had some insight....

Plus - I'm sorry to say, unless your top equity at a magic circle firm (which I don't think you are), you will be really struggling to send 6 or even 4 DC to private school and then to university.

But, Gobbolino, all she needs to do is emulate Xenia, the superwoman single mother with 6 children who used to own an island, until it got boring.

Well I'd say years 5&6 for ds2 were a waste of my money.

Of course, Xenia's view of small babies is to wonder why you would want to stay at home with them doing "nothing but scrubbing bottoms," so you can't expect such a person to share your view of what makes a meaningful relationship with your offspring, because they don't understand relationships with your children at the level you are thinking of and experiencing them, Gobbolino - they never had such relationships themselves.

I understand that you are, apparently, in a professional occupation, but no amount of money or organisation is going to allow you to properly parent 6 DC whilst holding down a job as a lawyer. Unless you intend to totally outsource their care and emotional well being to someone else. Which I have seen happen in my firm. But the person in question only had two children as felt it wouldn't be "fair" to inflict that type of upbringing on anymore. Even they had some insight....

I was with you Gobbolino until I read this - how very insulting and patronising to all parents of more than 1 or 2 children who have a professional job?

I have a full time professional job and have 4 children - I know plenty of high powered women who have 4 or even 5 children and do an amazing job with their children. I don't see how you can possibly say that I or anyone else who have a large family AND a professional career do not care or have an emotional bond with our children.

I find this deeply offensive, although not entirely surprising as you are not the first person who uses these boards to have a personal attack/dig but crikey what a horrible thing to say...

Tall - our gym membership costs more than that. But still, not as much as school fees for 3DCs would cost.

I have chosen to send my children to state schools. I don't believe that the benefit of a private education is worth 150K. I could buy my children a flat for them on that kind of money.

Tall ^Again, yes maybe a middle class child with supportive parents ( used often on MN) does not need to attend a run of the mill private school to do well.

But if a child from a uneducated family got the chance to attend a run of the mill private school with a bursary say with the current fees 70% discount and the family worked two jobs to pay the rest. That child will do better than if they had stayed in their local state offering which was more than likely to be schools that are not achieving the best results.^

Except that, as I've already pointed out, I grew up in SE London, in a council flat, in what was probably a worse background than you (you mentioned that your DM ended up buying her own house. Mine got sick when I was 12 and died before I'd finished education). I went to state school, and no child who went to one of the local posh schools did 'better than' me. And I certainly wasn't the only one.

tbh though really a lot of parents whp pay school fees don't need to balance one thing against another.

I mean I know on MN there are allegedly tons and tons of people economising to use independent school. But in reality, I suspect the majority can afford it quite easily.

I'd be willing to lay odds that for most parents at private school 150k is no where near one year's income.

Are you a lawyer upset? I specifically said parent 6 children whilst working as a lawyer? tall says she is a lawyer.

I did not say that men or women in full time professional roles could not parent 4 children. DH knows lots of male and female dentists with over 4 children plus and that works for them. I know no lawyers with over 4 DC for the reasons I have set out.

Please do not misquote and attack me before getting on your high horse.

OP, all this talk of people 'making good' is bizarre.

You say that privately educated children 'make good'... surely, they have advantages that other children don't have? i.e., a selective education and a reasonably wealthy family. (Unless they have a scholarship/bursary). They're not exactly pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps.

You seem to think that you yourself are 'making good' with all those sacrifices you've made (as an aside, £300 pcm on a gym membership is ludicrous- my local council charges £38- just a tip for you). Are you not just taking credit for what you mother did? She is the one who was working umpteen jobs to put her children into private schools. Yes, she made a lot of sacrifices by the sound of things.

Whilst you are able to educate your children privately, afford holidays, and still put savings away. This is not 'making good' by my definition, nor is it someone who has to make sacrifices- this is someone in a privileged position (thanks partly to the hard work of her mother) who has choices that many don't have.

But to answer the original question- my children are in a state primary and will probably go to state secondary. I can afford to send them to an independent school, but our catchment Primary is lovely (despite what Ofsted say- my children are happy there, and are making good progress). I would consider sending them to private secondary but again, our local ones are mostly good, so we'll probably stick with state, and use the money we'll save on some lovely family holidays, and savings for the DCs' future.

Well, I only have 3 DC but I agree with sovery - Gobbolino's comment was very horrible.

But Herc I don't think you can base a huge generalisation on er....yourself .

I too come from a worse background than OP, and did well educationally and have earned a lot of dough. But I was alone. My peers, many of whom were bright, all ended up in the same dead end jobs in the same dead end town.

They weren't able to make that jump. And it's not much better now. The school I attended is still cheerfully failing swathes of perfectly bright working class kids...

And as we've both agreed, it was easier then in some ways. These days the financial barriers are ridiculous. I bet loads of the middle class posters who are convinced that they still hold the keys to the sweetie shop are going to be in for a massive shock!

Word - that was kind of my point. Giving up a gym membership is neither here nor there when contemplating school fees for even one child, let alone multiple children. It's irrelevant. So I don't understand why OP keeps banging on about it.