Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

How is a private school going to help anyone become the next "Usain Bolt, Lionel messi or Serena Williams" - that's so far from anything a private school is going to offer that I can't believe that you'd think it would. If you'd said the next Steve Redgrave (although he went to a state school -so Matthew Pinsent maybe since he's proper posh) then hm maybe - as you're more likely to be able to row regularly at a private school, but a private school isn't going to propel anyone into those sorts of dizzy heights - not even the rowers. If you want to do sport at that level you'll need to access the community coaching first, then national coaching - not a private school.

Tallandgracefulmum - you do sound like an insufferable and condescending show off. Of course it isn't wasting your money if that's how you want to spend your money. This thread isn't even about you having to make sacrifices, as you have now told the whole world that you can afford to educate four children privately (unless you are planning even more after the current pregnancy), still go on holiday and still save lots of cash for their futures. Or are you pretending that not eating out every week and not getting your hair done every month is a SACRIFICE?!... FGS, it isn't a sacrifice to stop spending what sound like obscene amounts of money on appearances. Go and get a reality check - maybe get your mother to talk some sense into you, as you appear to live in an overindulged bubble.

It sounds to me like your mother gave you an excellent example of how to work hard and have ambition and your private education taught you how to be arrogant.

"Oh, out of the British sports men and women on the top of their game, they happen to have been educated privately!"

Who found their sport at private school though? Some I'm sure, but so did many at state school. I have already noted that Tom Daley moved to a private school after his first Olympics. The school helped him with academic work (had his own personal timetable around training) but it didn't introduce him to diving or coach his diving in any way.

I'll add Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean to the list of state school athletes.

And to be honest if you want her to be a talented footballer or a grand slam winner (although might be worth asking her what she wants) then you're going about it the wrong way. Save the money for tennis coaching.

I also never understand why people come on here asking 'am I being unreasonable? and when people say 'err, yes' they get really huffy.

Don't bother asking - you obviously believe you are right and everyone else is wrong.

yep, 200$/ph for a tennis coach in Florida hot houses

saintlyjimjams - tallandgracefulmum doesn't need to save the money for tennis coaching as she can afford private school fees AND top tennis coaches. All she needs to do is stop buying so many designer clothes and the funds will be there.

dilys4trevor

Thats the mc attitude, crushing weight of expectation... if I did not live up to my mums expectations, I'd still be living on the North Peckham Estate, cleaning the offices I now sit in. So I am humble and do teach humility, but also have very very high expectations.

So I certainingly won't be changing my attitude towards my DC. Life is much nicer now.

Did you not have any expectations of your own, Tallandgracefulmum? Were they all your mother's? Where did she get her expectations from?

Ditto your mum's expectations. And your "very very high expectations" sound like either a future of disappointment for you or an adulthood of therapy for your children. They surely have to have their own expectations, goals and desires - not yours?

Ultimately we all have wildly different backgrounds and expectations, so it is very hard to generalise isn't it. When I removed DD1 in Y4 from our local village school lots of people were shocked as they genuinely believe what the head tells them every day, e.g. that their children are receiving an amazing education in an outstanding school. And who am I to tell them they're wrong? They may have found a good balance or their expectations of what is good are just different - we have a good phrase at work - what does good look like? Discuss.

It also varies wildly on what your family situation is like, as I said before. Many parents at our local village school have an only child and a SAHP - this is such a different situation from ours - 4 children and 2 full time working parents, and without any other family support. We can't be everything - entertainers, educators, taxi drivers, cooks, cleaners. We have resigned to the fact we have to outsource some of it - I used to beat myself up constantly when my children were at their local school because I wasn't able to keep up with everything - now I can start to relax as DD1 does nearly everything at school and DS1 when he start in September. The other two will follow later on.

I must say I looked at many private schools selective and non before choosing the one my DD1 defines as "her dream school". It certainly isn't everyone's cup of tea, in fact two girls were removed just before my DD1 joined as the parents thought it didn't suit them at all.

I personally try not to discuss my choices with people as it always ends up upsetting someone or giving the wrong angle - ultimately is a very personal decision.

I wonder if it's a send up/fantasy. All the Oxbridge people i know feel no need to justify their experience. And a couple are even quite humble! ; )

Toof,
No chip on my shoulder here.
I digress; but seems to me, that some traditional Middle Classes cannot maintain and can no longer afford to do the things as before (yes things are more expensive, job losses etc I get that) either through wanting it all now, i.e. wanting to buy the FIRST home (in the right catchment, postcode) like the home they grew up in, but hey if they actually think, was that the first home their parents bought; or keeping up with the joneses xyz having a new kitchen, then they must have a new kitchen or are the type that has the attitude that I am white and English so I will be ok, I will still get a job with little or no qualifications.

It is those type who lose their job and will be out of work for a year looking for a comparable job, will they go out and clean for the meantime, nope ( happy to just get a mortgage holiday, or switch to IO, or hope and pray), will they apply to be a bus driver, nope, will they take on 3 low paid jobs, nope. Will they sell their home, nope.
Its those type of people who dont seem to like it when WC people like myself, make good, when immigrant children make good, ( think of the derogatory remarks made about Chinese mothers because their children do well) when privately educated children make good.
So no chips on my shoulder here.

Life is not getting hard, it has always been hard, hard for the poor, we just know how to survive, thats just standard. It is much easier to succeed nowadays and because every tom, dick and harry are getting into universities, to get on top or even be in the middle, you have to be exceptional, high aspirations never hurt anyone.

That was what I was thinking - the posts have been getting odder and odder...

You obviously have loads of money and are sacrificing very little, so I wouldn't go on about that.
I have one child in private and one in state. There are lots of things about state primary which I actually prefer, and the DC I have there is doing really well and is very happy. It's not clear why you think private schools are so obviously better than state schools. Maybe you should respect other people's decision to send their children to good state schools? There is often more of an issue at secondary level, however, and it makes sense for a lot of people to go private at that stage. No doubt some of them are glad that they are approx. £70K better off than those who chose to send their children private from the outset, and whose children are in the same sets as their children in the same private secondary.

rabbitstew

I had expectations too. First and foremost it was not to let parents down and pass well, because my mum fought my dad to let us kids go private and even with the bursary she had to take on more than just her main job, she sat down and realised that she still needed to up skill, what if the bursaries were pulled? So she went back to school to get a better job.
My mums expectations was for me to become a doctor 
From then, I always knew I would have an opportunity to get an office job but when the fucking light went again, whilst I was writing my history essay. I swore that I was going to do extremely well and my children would have a better life.
I think we are all doing the best for our DC, but everything I do, its not for my gratification but for the kids, I dont mind missing out so the kids can enjoy. E.g. given up the gym and money saved has enabled me to do many things. For example purchase a table so my little one can meet a artist who was attending an event. Give up buying posh clothes, so money saved, can take my kids on holiday. So maybe all my expectations are now on them.

Went in at 11 then some family problems left and came back at 13, the youngest sibling from age 7.

Lol, is it possible you live 50 years ago OP? Or is London weird? I don't recognise this classed society you describe. We all sort of muddle along round here, some with more money, some with less. Some of those that can afford it choose private schools, some don't, depending on what suits them and their children. It's really no big deal. Even 30 years ago when I was at school it was like that.

Giving up posh clothes, giving up the gym - these are hardly sacrifices. If people earn far more money than they need, as is clearly the case for you, then why not spend some of it on private school, even if the private school is only slightly better than the state? For others, the sums are more difficult, and if private school does not make much difference to their child in the long run, it makes sense to wait till secondary.

Giving up the gym would certainly be a sacrifice for me. And one I'm not prepared to take (we'd be cutting our food budget before we cut the gym). However our family David Lloyd membership (3 DCs 2 adults) wouldn't even pay one month's fees for one DC let alone 3.