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thinking of sending ds to a private school - advise needed please!!!!!

323 replies

jinna · 25/03/2004 14:30

my ds is 5 and has been in a state school since reception - we are now thinking to send him to a private prep school - the reasoning being that hopefully he will be able to get into a good grammar school later on . This grammar is heavilky oversubscribed and we feel the only way he would be able to get in is if he gets a lot of support. He is doing well at the state school but with more personal attention at the prep school he should progress well.

My husband and myself went to see the prep school and were surprised and the differences in the schools - the class size was smaller and the sports facilities were great - but the atmosphere felt very disciplined and formal - is this the norm for prep schools - we want our DS to do well but don't want him to lose his personality.

Also the prep school has its own curriculum and also have their own inspection - how do you tell if they are teaching to the right standard. We have no experience of private education and independent schools - so please any advise would be great

OP posts:
jampot · 27/03/2004 08:43

My dd had 5 "private" lessons with a teacher at school to go through the elements of the curriculum that they don't cover in school which may crop up in the 11+. Also as she lacks confidence it was a very good boost for her. She was 6 points from getting into the local KE VI so I am v pleased with her overall performance. However, our catchment state school isn't one I want my dd to go to so I applied for an "out of catchment" one which is usually oversubscribed and she got in. If she hadn't got in I would have sent her to private.

stace · 27/03/2004 08:48

Ditto every word said by WWW. Lighten up everyone and dont get or let it get personal is my view!!!
Yeah i got aggravated and even shouted at the computer at times reading this thread (not gonna tell you which side i sit on!!!!) but managed to let myself calm down and take on board everyones opinons and have even managed to change some of my own. ISNT THAT WHAT THESE THINGS ARE FOR!!!!!

To open your mind and share views and hopefully grow from it as well as supporting everyone!!! Come everyone shake off the bad feelings and exit the thread not the site!!!!!!!

stace · 27/03/2004 08:49

Everyones opinions are valuable even if they are completely opposed to your own and believe me there are many posters who i could throttle for their views at times!!!!

hmb · 27/03/2004 09:02

Hard not to take things personaly sometimes. Towards the start of this thread I was called a hypocrite for being a state school teacher who sends her children to private school. Apparnetly it is because I'm not a good enough teacher. I do see, and fully accept that people have different opinions, but I did feel rather raw after that dig. It was later followed by having scorn poured on me, and my child because she happens to be bright. Having had that happen to me as a child, I also found that a little rough.

To be fair, both posters had the great kindness and courage to appologise, which was nice. But I have felt quite battered by this thread, which I originaly posted on giving what I hoped was constructive and even handed advice.

WideWebWitch · 27/03/2004 09:09

hmb, I know: mumsnet has made me cry & flounce off in the past, I do know how it can get to you and I'm sorry if you were upset by this thread. I find lots of it offensive for different reasons but that's it, am not getting drawn in!

WideWebWitch · 27/03/2004 09:12

I mean, I don't like some of the views but don't think they've been expressed in an offensive way,sorry not v coherent this morning.

stace · 27/03/2004 09:13

HMB
for what its worth i have to say that i admire anyone who is prepared to compromise there own life style in order to give to society. I admire all persons that chose to work for little for the greater good of others. How you choose to spend your hard earned money is your business and is you are still a better person than the likes of us that do not even work for less for the good of others. I am sometimes ashamed at myself for not giving back enough to the less priveledged and have utmost admiration for those that do. I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ALL TEACHERS, CHARITY WORKERS, NURSES AND DOCTORS ANY ANOTHER CARING GIVING professions i have missed.

Sorry if im having a bit of a tirade i will get off my soap box now!!!

hmb · 27/03/2004 09:18

'a better person'....nah, you have obviously never met me

I'd like to stay away, but MN is just so addictive.

stace · 27/03/2004 09:22

g-d it is, i sometimes think that i need to go to mumsnetters anonymous as i cant get off the thing!!! How does someone without any self control limit there use here???

WideWebWitch · 27/03/2004 09:38

stace, we don't! hmb, glad you can't go

tallulah · 27/03/2004 09:40

Actually I took offence at the "hothousing" comments..

The 11+ is basically an IQ test. If your child has a high IQ they should get in, whether or not they've been to private school or been coached. Most primaries (where they do the 11+) do sit practice tests beforehand to give the children some idea of the format, as it has been proved that practice at these sorts of tests improves your score. BUT a very thick child will not pass even if he/she has been coached at a very exclusive prep school! It doesn't work like that.

The reason my DS went to private school is very longwinded, but rather than be accused of taking a place from some poor deprived child I shall explain.

I sent my DD to a small village primary. There were just 3 classes spanning 4 to 11 years old. They then built a massive (private) housing estate next door & demanded that these children have priority for school places over locals who'd lived there forever. By the time DD left there were 8 classes. When I withdrew my youngest 2 years after that there were 10 classes.

DD was a pain in the youknowwhere & fell out with the Head. To pay her back, the Head refused to recommend her for the 11+ & although she passed with top marks, she was denied a place. In the meantime we had a whole term of phone calls from the school to say that DS2 had gone missing. He was finishing his work, bored waiting for the other kids to catch up, & "went for a walk" out of his mobile classroom. This was Y2!! My argument was that the school was supposed to be looking after him- what did they expect me to do?

DD got an Assisted Place at a private school & luckily they had a space for DS as well. We moved them both at the same time, her to Y7 & him to Y3. He was diagnosed ADHD that summer & put on ADs. He passed the 11+ not through hothousing but by being taught to his ability & being put in for/recommended for the test.

When DS1 (also SEN) went to secondary school 2 years later we also moved DS3. We found out at the end of the summer term that DS3 had spent the whole term sat outside the Heads office for "disruption". We had not been notified ONCE. He had effectively lost a whole term's learning. (Y2)

All our local schools are full (with people moving into the area, which is a completely different thread), so he ended up with a 30-40 minute car journey each way to another state primary. He also passed the 11+ (& I doubt he would have done being left at his old school) & is apparently G&T re English.

Our girls grammar is full & over-subscribed, but the boys grammar always has spaces. Most of the boys there come from state schools- only a very few come from private schools.

We certainly aren't wealthy. We ran up huge credit card debts in the 5 years DD was at private school (with extra petrol etc) & have had to remortgage to pay it back, so to be accused of stealing a place from some deprived kid really puts my back up.

Jimjams · 27/03/2004 09:44

hmb honey you know your dd best, you can send her where you like. I don't think you are a hypocrite at all- everyone does the best for their child. I think its wrong that children with severe speech and language problems will not recieve the help they need unless their parents buy it in. Doesn't stop me buying it in- but doesn't stop me writing to my MP and contacting councillors about it as well.

We all do the best for our children. Nothing hypocritical about that. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks anyway. Where you send your dd has no effect on them.

hmb · 27/03/2004 09:50

Agree 100%. Education should meet the needs of all children, regardless what those needs are. But at the moment it doesn't. and while it doesn't I will do the best I can for my children. I know that this system is unfair, and these are those who cannot afford to do what I can do. But I can't do anything else for my kids.

I'll then work my butt off to make sure that the kids get the best they can in my lessons. But the state sector leaves a lot to be desired, most of all for the SEN kids, and to a lesser degree for the G & T (for want of a better descriptor).

ks · 27/03/2004 10:17

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ks · 27/03/2004 10:17

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alibubbles · 27/03/2004 10:34

I've come in late to this thread, forgive me if I get anyones's feathers ruffled. My DD was considered gifted when at infant school, reading fluently at 3.5 years, level 4 Sats at year 2 and level 6 in all Sats in year 6, also one of the youngest in her class, but sshe wasn't the only one. I didn't think that anything she did was particularly spectacular or different from what I had acheived at the same age.

When she went to her highly selective comprehensive school, (1700 children sit for 90 places, you have to get 125 (IQ) in the verbal reasoning to get through to the second round exams, and in practise, no one who got less than 135 actually ended up getting a place ) she was no different from any of the other kids, they were all supposedly 'gifted and talented' They all ended up with 10 A grade GCSE's with handfuls of stars, they will all end up with 4 grade A's at A level. My DD did her maths A level in a year, a year early, so what, so did all her class, likewise all her boy friends at the local state boys school and they all got A's.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, probably that I would take the G&T bit with a pinch of salt.
As a governor of 4 state primary schools and a secondary school, over the last 12 years, I know that we have to be seen to doing something for the brighter kids, when I believe that they are not actually something different. they are simply kids who come from homes where the adults read and encourage their children to do so, play board games together and generally do lots of interesting things like visiting museums, doing projects themselves for the fun of it, doing things kids should do rather than being glued to the TV or leading an overscheduled life of activities with no time to be a child. My kids were always making things motivated by themselves.

G&T children generally have very supportive home lives, where the parents are interested in what their children do at school, ask them about their work and guide them into finding out information for themselves, go to the library, and show them what fun it can be and instill a sense of fun into their learning, rather than seeing homework as a routine chore.

There is an interesting article today in the Telegraph about how kids don't go outside just to play anymore, mine did all the time, building dens, exploring streams, playing in the fields, all without adult supervision, yes I worried a little, but they were only having the childhood I had and I didn't come to any harm. We lived in the New Forest and we would disappear all day on our bikes and not come bak till dark, We were only 8, 9 and 10 years old. We knew where the weirdos hung out!

My two now 17 and 18, seeing how scheduled the children they babysit for, acknowledge the freedom they had and how it has been a crucial part of their learning independence and having fun as a child. I worry more now they are driving and where they are than when they were 10!

Enough said

popsycal · 27/03/2004 11:05

Tigermoth - re your comment at 8:05am this morning. Nothing I say will persuade you otherwise but here we go anyway.

The reason that I am thinking of having a TOTAL onlie break has nothing to do with this or any other website. It has to do with the fact that since I discovered mumsnet, my workload has increased, my relationship with my husband consists of a series of one word conversations and my house is a bombsite. My DH moans about how long I spend online and he is right to do so. My work is suffering and this is the most busy few months of my year coming up after Easter.
I have no 'hidden agenda' and never have had. What you see is what you get. I am farly transparent. I am sorry that you think this of me but there you go. Off to sort out my life.

popsycal · 27/03/2004 11:08

Oh and my typing is still crap

popsycal · 27/03/2004 11:19

Not that it is any one's business.....

hercules · 27/03/2004 11:20

what - you mean the typing?

popsycal · 27/03/2004 11:23

hmmmmm

stace · 27/03/2004 11:39

Popsycal, i think we all acknowledge that this place is really addictive, do you think that we could invent a mechanism that closes out of the site after say 1hr and wont let us in again for 2 hrs, do you think that may help for the people like us that cannot self discipline ourselves, do you think we can ask techie about it

hmb · 27/03/2004 12:08

Popsycal, I'll be very sorry if you stop posting

Angeliz · 27/03/2004 12:44

popsy i hope you don't go too!

Or anyone else for tht matter. It's funny the conversation has turned to this as it's what i was thinking last night!
I was actually thinking that for the few arguments i've seen on here, people usually end up having a giggle/apologising if they've crossed the line and getting on again.
I think it's pretty amazing how civilised it is 99% of the times considering all the many different views about parenting.
I agree with ks that, i've often had a view of something which was set in stone then come off here thinking of it from a different angle!

Hope no-one stops posting!+

Jimjams, hope you don't either as when i worry over some new Vaccine/contraversy or anything like that, i come on here knowing that you'll be discussing it and making sense!!

tigermoth · 27/03/2004 13:53

ks, the comment 'why do all threads end like this nowadays' was hulababy's message I was quoting. Certainly not my sentiments.

Sorry your life is so busy popsycal - mine gets like that sometimes - bye for now