Boarding dilemma

[difficultpickle]

I've name changed for this thread as under my usual name ds is pretty identifiable.

Ds did flexiboarding last year and loved it, so much so that I had to limit the number of days he did as I thought he was too young to do as many as he wanted (year 4). Now in year 5 he doesn't want to board at all.

My dilemma is that he needs to do some boarding nights to stay at the school as it is too far to drive every day. Also the activity he loves doing at school means that he should be doing some nights boarding and building up to weekly boarding over the course of the year.

I have said to him that I have no problem with him choosing not to board but that he will have to cease the activity he loves and change schools to one that is more local. He was more upset at that than at the thought of boarding. However he still says he won't board.

Not sure what to do. Do I perserve with his existing school (which he loves, has lots of friends, has support that he needs and gets to do an activity he is passionate about) or do I move him (he will know a couple of people there, bigger class sizes, limited support - he would need a statement which may be hard to get, no possibility of continuing the activity he loves)?

Well I'm crying too

I am wondering about where you live, and I was wondering as a secondary school option about Christ's Hospital - lots and lots of musical opportunities (not as chorister though) but amazing pastoral support. Many other dc in a similar situation and a zero tolerance attitude to bullying of ANY kind.

Between your Mum and a decent boarding school perhaps that could be for him if the worst happened?

Perhaps in the meantime he would be better off at a local school so you can build lots of lovely memories and time together regardless of the future?

Can I give you both a huge huge hug?

TBH at the end of this I would report the school to the relevant boarders for their disgusting attitude and lack of pastoral support. Let ofsted and the independent school thingie hit them with a tonne of bricks and more beside.

boarders = bodies.

Report them for the refusal to deal with the bullying too.

Bastards

Yes. It is terrifying to see what is in a small boy's mind.

Thank you for updating difficultpickle. No-one wants to stalk but I have been hoping very hard that things might be improving for you.

And I suppose knowing exactly what is worrying your Ds is progress of a sort. As for the school - it's hard to see evidence that there really are very few people we can trust in life.....

Perhaps after this week's hospital there will be time for you to rest, physically at least.

I don't know what to say. Do you think he can stay there?

Christ would be a good option but he's only in yr 5.
What an outrageous situation you could try the ISI but am unconvinced they'll do anything. OP surely you have to remove your DS from this dreadful school ASAP no where can possibly be as uncaring as this.

I was thinking for the future, I think the best option is a local school for now. Not sure how far away your Mum lives but perhaps living together somewhere would be worth considering?

Difficult when your DS has left this school I feel indignant enough to think that it should be named and shamed.
When you get a chance, show this list of questions to the specialist nurses at the hospital as they hopefully will guide you to more support.
As you probably know as well as unrelated donors there are also cord blood transplants now which extends possibilities of a match.
Finally, please consider asking other very good boarding prep schools as I mentioned previously. Your DS is very talented and surely in your situation would have high chance of a bursary. I know that both Summer Fields and the Dragon have excellent boarding pastoral care in stressful situations not just when everything is straightforward.

This must be so difficult.
I would prioritise it like this:

1. Does your boy want to stay at the school? If not find a good local private day school (if you can afford it) and perhaps move him after the summer. My 3 sons all won music scholarships to day schools and do/did loads of music and they could have probably got music scholarships to choir schools (grade 7 or 8 singing at age 12 etc) but they did not want to board. I do not think they have had a worse musical life for being at day schools.
2. If he wants to stay and wants fully to board obviously take that choice. I don't think he wants to. He probably wants to be at home because you are ill and he's been ill. Perhaps gently over the Christmas holiday find out what he wants to do. I would go by what he says not what the school or psychologist says or even what you say and try to go by what he wants not by what he says he wants as children often say to psychologists, parents and teachers simply what those people want to hear.
3. We knew a lady who was sadly dying and they deliberately (as her husband was also dead) chose a prep boarding school for the boy so he'd have continuity in his life, the stability of a school life where he lived etc. That would not have been my choice but it worked out well for that family (or as well as can be expected in the circumstances).

1. Probably should be number 1 but do look after yourself. That is the most important thing and good luck with finding a donor - look at whether the US hospital system might help or any other experts too.

OP this is a dreadful situation that you both find yourself in.
Sadly IME many schools claim to have excellent standards pastoral but again IME the reality is that they often fall short. Most will try and support children for a while, but if the problem looks like it's serious and a long haul or once you want significant variations on a theme e.g. being in a choir but not full boarding most start to loose interest. Schools generally don't like pupils who are going to want a routine that's different from the majority, they might wear it for a couple of months max but then most will expect you to return to what the majority are doing. Frankly I suspect the choir master saying he must board knowing he won't is the schools way of hoping that you will jump before you're pushed. I've seen similar things done in the past by schools. I very much doubt you will get the school to move away from this stance, I think I'm also correct in assuming your DS gets financial assistance with the fees because he's in the choir so what will happen now?
I personally think you need to seriously start looking for alternatives preferably before you start any treatment because you need to know he's settled, this is not a good time of year to start visiting schools most prep are or are about to finish for Xmas, would you consider a state primary near your mother even temporarily (say for the rest of this academic year) whilst your receiving treatment at least you know that most of his time is being spent with someone who cares about him so you wont have to worry, then look for another prep (maybe an alternative choir school) when your better and have more energy.
The only two I can think of are Dragon it's pastoral care is excellent I know from children I've met who've been there that they really do go that extra mile for their pupils. But although there are boarders there is it increasingly becoming a day school. As far as I understand Christ's takes most of it pupils from the state sector so a year and a half in a state primary won't effect his application for it and they to are used to children with significant problems at home my friend sent her DC's there when she was diagnosed with cancer and they were fantastic.
I am desperately trying to think of what else or where else you can do/look. If I come up with any more ideas I will write some more.

schoolnurse just as an aside although the Dragon have a large day community, the fabric of the school is essentially boarding. In years 6 to 8 alone they have 150 boys boarding and they certainly live life to the full.
Although I can see the advantage of Difficult's DS moving to a local primary school, surely the upheaval of having to change schools once more might cause problems? He needs to be able to have some continuity at school, fulfil his wish to have opportunities but also lots of care and fun when Difficult is in and out of hospital and requires as much rest as possible.

I think the reality is that the current school has zero pastoral support and is woefully inadequate so I can't see how he can stay there. The best way forward is hopefully for Pickle, her son and mum to work out in the shorter and longer term.

Random I agree although it is obviously a difficult decision. I was thinking that having only been in his present school for just over a year, to move twice more in the next two years particularly in the current situation is a big ask. Ideally he should be able to move to a school that was until year 8 and be able to establish good friends some of whom would be going to the same senior school.

Difficult I'm almost beyond words at the disgusting behaviour of your DS's school. They are effectively punishing him for being worried about you. By suspending him as a chorister they are also denying him a part of his identity that he values greatly and removing a potential source of solace and emotional sustenance at this very difficult time. Dreadful, callous behaviour on their part.

Assuming your DS leaves that school (and I find it hard to see how either you or DS could have sufficient trust in the school ever again after their actions), it seems from your description of DS that a new school would need to be one which would enable him to continue his music at a high level. If you have a BMT, you are likely to be hospitalised and in isolation for some time, even if things go relatively smoothly - DS may be unable to visit, and once out of hospital you may be advised to avoid contact with large groups of people for some time in order to limit exposure to infections until your immune system fully recovers. So the level of contact you have with DS and involvement you have in school life might not be much different if he was at a local day school or another boarding school while you have a BMT.

If DS wants to try boarding again, would Salisbury be a bridge too far? Salisbury Cathedral Choir School has a new head this year who was deputy head of pastoral care at St Paul's Cathedral School, in which role he had a fantastic reputation (I know of him from the latter school).

Sorry if all this is a bit rambling - I'm trying to think of anything that could possibly be helpful.

I had a long chat with ds this evening about why I am ill and what the future looks like. We went through all of his questions. Probably the hardest conversation I have had with anyone ever. Some tears on my part but not too many as that upsets ds. He seems ok about arrangements in the event of my death but said that he wants to take care of me. I hope that our visit to the hospital this coming week will reassure him that there are lots of people keen to take care of me too and that some of them may even be able to make me better.

I said I would be very sad if he stops being a chorister as I know it is something he truly loves. I don't want him to make what, at least to me, seems to be a pointless sacrifice. We are also seeing the psychologist this week and I hope that will continue to help. Ds certainly is much stronger when it comes to dealing with any further bullying so the psychologist is really having a positive effect. Interestingly he says he has only really been worried about my health since half term. Which seems that the worry about bullying has been replaced by the worry about my health. In an odd way I'm glad it is a recent worry rather than something that has been going on in his head for months.

There are some very kind people at the school - the chaplain is lovely and the head of ds's part of the school is fantastic. Very supportive and really understands ds. Ds says he is happy to talk to him and the chaplain about his worries. I will ensure that I limit the involvement of the head of pastoral care as she just seems poisionous to me. I'm not alone in thinking that (other parents have said the same but I've not shared my view with them).

Despite everything ds is happy at school and I don't want to move him unless I really have to.

Thank you for your comments and support. It is so helpful to be able to write what I think and worry about. It is so hard to tell people in RL without them worrying even more than they already are.

Summer I agree that you don't want to keep moving him but I can't help but feel that the OP needs to sort out an alternative solution now before she requires a long period in hospital. I suspect that 1. she wouldn't be able organise a place at a suitable prep be it boarding or day in the next few weeks and 2. as her DS is not exactly embracing boarding with enthusiasm at the moment trying to get him to settle in a new boarding school will require significant input from his mum who is probably to unwell to do this at the moment and that 3. Although I personally believe in boarding and even full boarding at prep school her DS would also be better off being looked after and cared for over the next few months by someone he knows; his grand mother. Let's be realistic here he will get much more one to one attention and help if he's at home than he ever will in a boarding school however well intentioned the staff.

Having his grandma care for ds won't work for more than the occasional night unfortunately. She is elderly and disabled. She also won't cope at all with looking after ds and worrying about me. She was unable to cope at all with my father's terminal illness nearly 20 years ago. She really isn't coping with my news now at all. So much so that I've not been able to tell her that the prognosis is terminal without a transplant (I did try to tell her but she just said that what I said can't be true). I've also tried to explain the mechanics of a transplant and she can't deal with that either.

Difficult I imagine that you must be emotionally wrung out after that conversation. It sounds a great idea taking your DS to the hospital with you for exactly the reasons you say. I imagine that he will also be helped at this or other visits by the opportunity to voice some of his questions on your care directly to your medical team.

It is good that at least some key people at the school are warmly supportive of your DS and hopefully will make up for the woeful lack of compassion by the head and head of pastoral care. The choirmaster is obviously focusing on the music and not wanting to get involved.
The one aspect that troubles me is that although it is important for your DS to build up his own defences against bullying, his withdrawal from boarding seems to signify a lack of confidence that he can rely on the boarding staff to deal with any future problems immediately. He should n't feel that it is all up to him (when you are not there).

I'm glad you have had that conversation with DS. Did you both discuss whether he actually wants board or not, or the practicalities that not boarding isn't really an option

I'm sorry OP I hadn't quite grasped that your mother cant help full time. Another choir school? Children must drop out all the time. If he enjoys singing then in what is going to be a difficult to be able to do something he loves and enjoys is going to be very thereputic.

They to say in what is going to be a very difficult time.

Bloody auto correct!
I'll start again. Another choir school? To have the opportunity to do something that he clearly enjoys and is good at in what is going to be a difficult time for him will be very therapeutic

I think you son needs a new school. A good church choir. That guy that does the choir shows is on face book he might be able to help.

I think the school is done with your son. And boarding really should not be pushed now as you are so ill. I think he need to spend time with you.

Good luck and will be thinking of you both.

Having read that post last night and given just before I was advising to go by what the boy wants, I think he should stay at the school.
It sounds like you had a very good conversation with him. A new school would be more stress and might be worse, not better. He will be moving at 13+ anyway as it is. Are there arrangements for where he might go at 13+ particularly funding? (Life insurance, wills in place, guardians just in case of the worst? I cannot remember if his father figures - not read every thread above).