Boarding dilemma

[difficultpickle]

I've name changed for this thread as under my usual name ds is pretty identifiable.

Ds did flexiboarding last year and loved it, so much so that I had to limit the number of days he did as I thought he was too young to do as many as he wanted (year 4). Now in year 5 he doesn't want to board at all.

My dilemma is that he needs to do some boarding nights to stay at the school as it is too far to drive every day. Also the activity he loves doing at school means that he should be doing some nights boarding and building up to weekly boarding over the course of the year.

I have said to him that I have no problem with him choosing not to board but that he will have to cease the activity he loves and change schools to one that is more local. He was more upset at that than at the thought of boarding. However he still says he won't board.

Not sure what to do. Do I perserve with his existing school (which he loves, has lots of friends, has support that he needs and gets to do an activity he is passionate about) or do I move him (he will know a couple of people there, bigger class sizes, limited support - he would need a statement which may be hard to get, no possibility of continuing the activity he loves)?

Difficult, any update on your DS? Have the school given him more time?

Nothing yet. Meeting this week but not with the head (have had no acknowledgment from the head re my meeting request). Psychologist will attend meeting too (at my request). I will be asking for ds to participate in the forthcoming services as much as he is able to do so short of boarding and to be allowed for the process with the psychologist to be completed before deciding whether ds continues to be a chorister or not. Ds said recently that he thinks he just has to get on with it and start boarding again. However he also says that he feels he has no support from the school to do so.

Still early days but there are echos with what schoolnurse said in a previous post. Sounds as though your DS is quite perceptive and adult in his assessment.

I suppose it's your son's perceptiveness that makes me wonder if he is subconsciously aware that your really aren't well and that is making him worry and more reluctant to board.

Random, with all that in mind, if he is also perceiving the school as not supporting him in his difficulties, he may find it harder to make that leap into boarding even with the psychologist help.

Indeed, I think we often underestimate what goes on in dc minds. I'm one of those people who finds it impossible to sleep anywhere but home - it could even be something as simple as that aggrevating the situation.

I'm a bit confused, what is the bullying that has been going on as you only very briefly mentioned this yet it seems to have been the trigger?

I feel desperately sad because it sounds like if he has to leave the school then your local alternative is going to be far from good for him

We should never under estimate how perceptive children are. DS1 when only nursery/reception age was very concerned about DS2's significant health problems even when we weren't in hospital. I'm not saying he understood the problem or was even concerned in a way that an older child or adult would be but even without us telling him very much he knew we were very worried and that his brother was very unwell at times.
OP what really frightens children is not knowing, and the idea that your hiding something even younger children than your DS can take on quite complicated information. It appears you illness is exceedingly serious and the prognosis is uncertain I urge you for both of your sakes to talk to your DS, most hospital will have specialist nurses who will help you talk to your DS and assist both of you through this. I know everything is uncertain but children can cope with some uncertainty providing they understand what it's all about.
If your school remains as unhelpful as it has been to date then I do seriously think you should look at other options, I'm sure choristers drop out all the time and maybe you could find another school who can give both of you the help you need.

My concern is that at a time when a school should be bending over backwards to provide good pastoral care and supporting you, the Head has to responded to you request for a meeting and in fact the school (or some staff) seem to be putting pressure on you and your ds by issuing ultimatums.

Leaving aside the failing nearby school option, are there other day schools locally that might be suitable? And how might they fit in with your own needs. You've mentioned grandmother - is she local? Could she help with any morning or evening gaps you might have?

What about the choral side? In year 5 he is about 9/10. Would this be a normal transition time for choristers? My only experience is a very good friend who went to a college choir boarding school from 7 - 12. He was pretty much booted out when his voice wasnt strong enough any more and his parents couldn't afford the school without the choir scholarship he had had. He was pretty bitter about the whole way it was dealt with and the impact it had on him leaving at that age for local independent 11-18 school. If you can avoid this by engaging your ds in the process and bigging up exit (if that transpires to be what the school is aiming for) then that might be the kindest way for him moving forwards.

I hope the meeting goes well and that your fears aren't realised/the school is able to reassure your ds that the bullying will not reoccur and that their primary focus is his happiness.

The problem I have at the moment is I really don't look seriously ill. I think that makes it easier for people (school/choir) to seem quite dismissive.

I also don't want to have a conversation with ds about my illness when everything is still so uncertain. If a match is found I'm likely to be completely healthy a year after the transplant. If a match isn't found then I will die and I have no real idea what time I would have left. I can only talk to ds when I know more myself. As all of this still completely freaks me out I can't discuss anything anyone at the moment.

Ds has his own health issues and from the email I got today it seems that choir are making absolutely no allowances for him which makes me query whether they have any idea. I have asked whether the choirmaster is aware of the report that the Senco did regarding what adjustments should be made to support ds in school (and which ds's teachers have implemented without hesitation).

Ds saw something he wanted in a shop today but it was far more expensive than he realised so he couldn't get it (he misread £75 for £15). He said that he thought a friend's mum would have bought it for his friend but he understood they were very wealthy and we weren't (we are ok but not investment banker level!). We ended up talking about what we would buy if we had lots of money. I said I would buy good health for myself and happiness for ds. Ds replied that you didn't need money for either of those.

OP you must be worried sick about your situation and his and I just don't believe that your DS hasn't picked up on something. I understand that you don't want to tell him about your illness because you don't know what the outcome will be but any parent with any life shortening illnesses is in the same position and many children also have life shortening illnesses, not telling a child because you don't know what the future holds is not in my very extensive experience the way forward. He is old enough to understand quite a lot, by telling him you may reduce his anxiety because he may suspicious that's something is wrong but be worried that nothing is being done about it. The fear of the unknown is always great than the fear of the known. Even if a match is found you will be hospitalised at some stage and could be unwell for a period, it will obvious that you are unwell you need to prepare your DD for this.

OP Forgive me (for returning to nagging) - but won't you be less and less well as you wait for the transplant? And might finding a match happen at quite short notice? In which case there's really no foreseeable date when you might have (for you) enough information to make it worthwhile to discuss this with your Ds.

Do you think this is quite fair on him?

It may be that you have a professional bias towards accuracy and precision (wild assumption) - and I totally understand your reluctance to share distressing personal stuff with anyone else.... And I am in no position to lecture others on procrastination. But earlier in this thread it didn't seem that the bullying episode was your Ds's main worry. Obviously you know him best - but might he not be relying on that reason because he still hasn't received an explanation for what's going on with you?

This is such a horrible situation for you both. I really hope you're getting as much support as possible from everyone outside school?

I thought earlier ds's reluctance to board was because I was unwell. It was a surprise to me when the first thing he mentioned to the psychologist was bullying. I had assumed because that had been resolved ds no longer had any concerns. From what he has said recently he is very worried about it happening again (it went on for months, it was relentless and poorly handled).

I absolutely will talk to him when the time is right but at the moment he is being put under so much stress by school that it is not appropriate for me to add to that burden.

I expect a suggestion to be made at the meeting that ds takes a break from choir and that will be the start of him being eased out. It has already been suggested to him ( so he told me today). I imagine they will argue that ds is under stress so a break will be the best thing for him. I also imagine they will choose not to acknowledge that they are the cause of his stress by giving him ultimatums. It will be dressed up as them having to think about the other choristers and they will chose to ignore that their failure to protect ds from prolonged bullying is the reason ds is now in the position he is.

I am sorry about your health worries and hope that you are going through this time of worry.

My niece had hard time being badly in a private school in y7 (now she is in y8).Parents insisted on changing class for her and that helped a lot.

For what I know of state schools the same level of bullying would have been dealt with swiftly and in case of my niece everything was brushed under the carpet, none of bullies were disciplined in any way. Everything was very, very badly managed by the head of year and class teacher.

My sister-in-law trusted psychologist who said that there's no problem with my niece (school insisted there was) but with how school managed the whole situation.

When I read this The person I am in contact with for pastoral care said to me that what happened to ds in school last year wasn't her problem as she wasn't in that role then. They are my main point of contact with the school. - it reminded me of my niece's situation. As far as school was concerned - no one wanted to take any responsibility and own up that there's problem in the school and pastoral care is non existent!

I think you could write to Governing body (if there's one) asking for support and plan how your son is going to be supported.

I feel school just wants to get rid of the problem and swiftly move on

Why don't they try to work on making sure your son has the best care there when you are unwell and likely to be in hospital at some point where school will be his continuity in life?

Has anyone actually explained to you what exactly happened during bullying period? What steps have they undertaken to prevent that happening in the future?
How do they safeguard boys they have in care?

Difficultpickle, I imagine that most choirmasters at high end choirs are singleminded about getting the best sound rather than caring about individual boys.
The school on the other hand would not want to get a reputation of such poor pastoral care (one would hope). If you still want him to stay, emphasising how vital his chorister role is to his emotional well particularly at such a difficult time for him (rather than an additional stress) will not let them pretend to do the best by phasing him out.

Any mileage in my previous suggestions in exploring other school options? I suspect that in a new, well supported boarding environment he would go back to enjoying it very quickly.

"that will be the start of him being eased out"I take it you mean being eased outof school completely not just the choir side of it. What sort of time frame are we talking about here? Obviously most prep school are about to embark on a long Xmas holiday.
You need to explore other options now, I can imagine that you feel exhausted all the time and this isn't helping you. But it does need to be resolved and from what you've written frankly I think your wasting you time trying to resolve it with the school. Do you have a good friend who can ring a few schools on our behalf, explain the situation your in and see what reaction she gets, then you and perhaps her can go and visit any that might be a worth looking at. Caldicott apparently has a reputation for being small and caring (according to a mum I was talking to the other day whose DS was there) and Windlesham the one nr Worthing is legendary on here and amongst parents in general. I also hear good things about Dragon (a friend's DC goes there) but loads of day children now I believe I don't know where you live but the journey into Oxford I understand is pretty crap.

I was also going to aslo say that it must be worth ringing a few choir schools. I'm sure children drop out and places come available and from what you've written your DS obviously has a fantastic voice so must be highly desirable to an ambitious choir master.
I've no idea which are the good ones in terms of pastoral care.

Hi
A bone marrow transplant really is a very serious proceedure with all sorts of complications and potential complications. You are probably going to be in hospital for several weeks ,possibly months in isolation. You will be really quite I'll for some f that time so you really are going to need very reliable child care. Your son is going to need to stay with someone for a prolonged period. You will be extremely prone to infection, very tired and might feel very low. Sorry don't wish to be the bringer of doom but you are going to want your son settled so he has stability in his life. How far away from home is the unit where you will have your bmt assuming they find a match. What are the options if they don't . High dose chemo ? If your son goes to a local school to his grandmother would she be able to bring him in to see you daily. Even if its to wave through the glass. Does the unit you are using allow visitors under 16. Children often carry infections. If he can't visit you finding an excellent boarding school with great pastoral care maybe h way to go an Skype.
Too many questions to have good suggestions, but it does sound like you need to get out of the current school.

I really really feel for you op but it does sound as the school have made their decision I'm very angry at their rubbish pastoral care, it is so so so important at boarding school - made a huge difference for my dd.

Perhaps it's time to go back to the drawing board and discuss with ds about a new school for him to go to.

End of term next week? I truly hope the school has managed to say and do something helpful....

I've just read the whole thread for the first time.

OP, I'm so sorry about your health problems. It must be a terrible time for you and I hope you can get treatment soon.

I wondered about bullying right from the start. I thought there must be a reason why he didn't want to be in school at night, rather than his problem being to do with wanting to be at home.

I've been so shocked by the school's reaction to you all. I do hope everything works out for you.

A rather long update.

End of term for ds. Progress with the psychologist but no real progress with school. Ds has been suspended as a chorister until he is boarding. Head tried to confine him to day school hours but I refused saying I don't see how doing day school hours will help ds to resume boarding. Had a meeting with head and I sent email in advance setting out what I hoped to discuss in meeting. Main points were support for ds and discussion re bullying. Head replied saying that he would not discuss bullying as that was for ds to deal with via the pyschologist. His email was aggressive but he wasn't at the meeting (in my job I am used to dealing with very difficult people so I figure he realised I was more than a match for him when we actually met).

Ds is bereft at being suspended. His behaviour has gone downhill. His term exam results were appalling (exams taken during period he had been given ultimatum to board or cease being a chorister). Head of that part of school wrote to say ds is capable of much much more academically. At least he is supportive, as is the school chaplain.

Ds saw psychologist this week and his worries about bullying are reduced - estimated 15% of his worries are now in relation to that whereas at the start it was nearly 100%. 10% are general boys stuff and 75% is now me and my health.

He wrote a list of 14 questions which the psychologist emailed me after the session. He came out and went to school and you'd have no idea that he was thinking of things like "If we have an argument/fall out or something bad happens at school , I worry about it and I worry that it might be our last memory together" and "If you get really poorly or it can't be solved what will happen to me? Will I go into a care home? Will I have to change school? Will I still get good opportunities?" It includes other questions about what will happen to him if I die.

I feel like emailing the list to the head and the head of pastoral care (who is the least compassionate and caring person I think I have ever met). Of course I can't without his permission but I hope he will let me. They really have no clue at all what he is going through.

The head was supposed to confirm by email our meeting discussion but hasn't. He said he wants a meeting with the psychologist but hasn't replied to her email.

The choirmaster is very cut and dried - this a boarding choir so ds must board. I get the strong impression he doesn't really care why ds isn't boarding. He did say that ds is very very musical and he doesn't want to lose him. There seems to be no plan in place in how school will help ds to resume boarding.

I'm back at hospital this week to find out if they have a match (sibling isn't a match). Before then I will go through the questions with ds and try to answer them as best I can. I will take him with me to hospital so he can see what it's like and then we will hopefully have a nice afternoon in London visiting an art gallery ds is keen to go to.

I showed ds's questions to a couple of friends who both cried on reading it.