Boarding dilemma

[difficultpickle]

I've name changed for this thread as under my usual name ds is pretty identifiable.

Ds did flexiboarding last year and loved it, so much so that I had to limit the number of days he did as I thought he was too young to do as many as he wanted (year 4). Now in year 5 he doesn't want to board at all.

My dilemma is that he needs to do some boarding nights to stay at the school as it is too far to drive every day. Also the activity he loves doing at school means that he should be doing some nights boarding and building up to weekly boarding over the course of the year.

I have said to him that I have no problem with him choosing not to board but that he will have to cease the activity he loves and change schools to one that is more local. He was more upset at that than at the thought of boarding. However he still says he won't board.

Not sure what to do. Do I perserve with his existing school (which he loves, has lots of friends, has support that he needs and gets to do an activity he is passionate about) or do I move him (he will know a couple of people there, bigger class sizes, limited support - he would need a statement which may be hard to get, no possibility of continuing the activity he loves)?

[difficultpickle]

I agree about a time limit. It needs to be sorted out by half term as after half term ds's commitments are absolutely manic up to and including Christmas.

At a senior school open day we attended today ds was telling the pupil showing us round about what he loves about boarding (the pupil was a day pupil but thinking of switching to weekly boarding). Ds was really selling it to him, which made me laugh.

[ExcuseTypos]

It sounds like he's had a think about it all and is coming to the conclusion he will board. Finger crossed for you all.

[RandomMess]

It sounds like he loves school but would rather sleep at home given a preference (who wouldn't) so yep a bit of tough love with the schools support will hopefully do the trick. I wonder how much he loves those 2 x 1 hour chats with you in the car as well and he misses that when boarding?

[schoolnurse]

I'm very surprised your school called you and asked you to take your DS home that night. What would they have done if you weren't able to come and collect him? I would have thought very upset children in a boarding prep school are not uncommon and that they would know how to deal with the problem effectively.

[leeloo1]

Could it be that when he's in bed before he falls asleep is when your DS dwells on his problems (uncertainty about your health, boys being unkind, other random problem of the day) and that this is what he's finding hard to cope with?

It seems like he enjoys all the busy activities of boarding school, but can't cope with being on his own/quiet at the moment. Not sure how you could deal with that - I heard someone talk about pillows that connect to an ipod on MN recently, so that might be something to take his mind off things before he falls asleep?

[Somethingyesterday]

Hope you're moving towards a (re)solution OP?

[difficultpickle]

I'm keeping everything crossed that ds will board tonight although I'm half expecting a call from school in the next hour to go and collect. I'll be delighted if he does stay. He did his first solo tonight (I didn't know so missed it ). I think it was short but went very well. Very proud mum

I've also got my referral through today. Local consultant took nearly two weeks to do the letter, which was sent yesterday. Got home to two messages telling me the referral is being treated as top urgent and I've got an appointment on Monday. Feel quite apprehensive but also think the sooner they find out what is wrong with me the sooner I can get treatment and hopefully get better.

[Somethingyesterday]

So it looks as if the new consultant might know what they're doing? It is a very quick appointment, but as you say, the quicker the better. Will anyone be going with you?

Re school business - I hope you have managed to speak to everyone you need to. They should then be in a better position to act - and not just send him home. But by now perhaps he understands more? And perhaps pride in his achievement might carry him through?

Will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[RandomMess]

Hope both things go very well - hugs

[difficultpickle]

No, I'm happy to go on my own. The new consultant is world renowned which is reassuring. I'm assuming the appointment is for tests so I doubt I'll find out anything on Monday. I may take a friend with me for the follow up appointment.

I am supposed to meet with the school's pastoral care team on Monday to discuss everything so I'll have to rearrange that. The teaching staff are lovely but I just think the boarding staff are less experienced and may be struggling to know what to do where ds is concerned.

Apparently ds was absolutely beaming after his solo so I'm really really hoping that is enough to see him through his first night.

[Somethingyesterday]

He may be so exhausted.....

[difficultpickle]

I hope so. I'm really hoping I don't get another 10pm call....

Mind you I would have liked to speak to him tonight to congratulate him so I'm sitting here with mixed emotions about not having heard from him.

[choirmum]

Hi difficultpickle. My daughter is a boarding chorister so I have an inkling as to how you're feeling, though she has never had an issue with boarding. I often want to know what she's up to but I let her take the lead in terms of contact by phone and guess what - she never, and I mean never calls! Thinking of you and hoping your son settles and you get the answers you need to your health problems x.

[Somethingyesterday]

But if it would have been outside normal phoning hours surely it's better that he didn't call? Wouldn't he have gone straight to the boarding house after chapel?

Send him some positive sleeping vibes and hope he's already dreaming....

[goinggetstough]

Fingers crossed that all goes well tonight!

[handcream]

I am finding it really strange that the school choose to call you late at night. He must have been really troubled,I have two DC going through boarding and I have never heard that happen.

So, maybe its a sign that the school is giving up and perhaps you need to to.

[handcream]

As in thinking about taking him out if he is suffering that badly. Not YOU giving up!

[bronya]

Hope it goes ok tonight. Wanting to be at home with a sick parent is very common. If you are as tired as you've been describing, he'll know something is very wrong, especially after a summer holiday at home. All sorts of possibilities will be going through his head - is Mum going to die? Has she got Cancer? What's wrong with her? What if I wake up one day and she's gone? etc etc. He needs help with all that.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Fingers crossed all goes well tonight.

[difficultpickle]

handcream it is less about ds being 'really troubled' and more about inexperienced boarding staff and ds's personality being a bit of an enigma. The fact that ds successfully and happily boarded for a number of nights every week last academic year means his current reticence is due to some other cause. As others have pointed out it is probably down to me and my health.

Turns out I missed a call after chapel from him asking to come home. He hasn't called since and he hasn't called his grandma (which he would usually do if he couldn't get hold of me). School called earlier to say he's ready for bed and talking to one of the year 8's and they are hoping he'll stay tonight. He's also had a long chat with the school's director of music tonight, who is someone ds really respects and admires, so hopefully that will help persuade him to stay tonight.

[Somethingyesterday]

It may be an absolute blessing that you missed that call.....

[summerends]

Agree that it is a blessing that you did n't talk to him and hope that the houseparents will be able to help him stay and not protract his anguish about the whole issue.
Really good news that you won't be left wondering too much longer for your health but don't expect all the important tests to be done on your first outpatient visit.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I agree with Something. Fingers crossed it all goes well. Good news about your appointment too.

[difficultpickle]

Update from school - ds is in bed and head on pillow but adamant he is going home. Really hope that he is so tired that he falls asleep. He usually sleeps very well so I'm confident that once he does fall asleep he will be fine until the morning.

Am having blood tests and another bone marrow biopsy so I'm hoping that will be it for tests!