Boarding dilemma

[difficultpickle]

I've name changed for this thread as under my usual name ds is pretty identifiable.

Ds did flexiboarding last year and loved it, so much so that I had to limit the number of days he did as I thought he was too young to do as many as he wanted (year 4). Now in year 5 he doesn't want to board at all.

My dilemma is that he needs to do some boarding nights to stay at the school as it is too far to drive every day. Also the activity he loves doing at school means that he should be doing some nights boarding and building up to weekly boarding over the course of the year.

I have said to him that I have no problem with him choosing not to board but that he will have to cease the activity he loves and change schools to one that is more local. He was more upset at that than at the thought of boarding. However he still says he won't board.

Not sure what to do. Do I perserve with his existing school (which he loves, has lots of friends, has support that he needs and gets to do an activity he is passionate about) or do I move him (he will know a couple of people there, bigger class sizes, limited support - he would need a statement which may be hard to get, no possibility of continuing the activity he loves)?

Sounds as though the school is doing what they can. Maybe he needs to change bed or dorm in case there is something linked with that or that is reinforcing a memory?
Has he seen children as distraught as himself in the evening? That is completely different from moderate "homesickness". Homesickness can be a symptom rather than a cause, brought on by other things happening but very difficult to shake off once the cycle is started.
My only other thought would be perhaps to stop the longer evenings as at the moment he is getting most of the fun from boarding but also getting his nights at home. Possibly a bit harsh but make him realise what he would be missing if he stopped it.

How's it gone this week?

I'm wondering whether you shouldn't go in for some tough love; tell him that the reality is that he's obviously fine boarding and that, because of your health, that is what is going to happen at least two nights a week, building up to the full week. if he's adamant that he can't, then he is going to have to leave that school and go somewhere nearer home.

Ds was supposed to board last night but didn't. Tough love won't work as all it will do is lead to him moving schools and exchanging one set of problems with another. He is very happy, settled and well supported at the school so I am loathe to move him to the unknown.

I've arranged for him to see a psychiatrist during half term to see if she can work out what is going on. He says he is homesick and misses me but I don't believe a word of it as he certainly doesn't miss me when I'm away on business. Saying he is homesick is pretty clever as it shuts down the questioning. If he said anything else it would lead to more questions whereas everyone knows what homesickness is.

I've told the school that I want to collect him after supper and prep until half term to cut the fun element, as summerends suggested. We'll see if that makes a difference once he is missing out on activities.

I have an idea difficultpickle but I'm not sure if it will help or even if the school will allow it. Is there any way that DS could keep in touch with you whilst he's boarding/sleeping away? I'm thinking of something like Blackberry Messenger/What's App or even just texting you. If he had the opportunity of contacting you at any time during the evening/night (hopefully he won't need to), maybe that would make a difference to him.

Oh dear - I'm sorry things are still so difficult.

I won't offer any more suggestions because it seems you've tried pretty much everything. In "ordinary" circumstances one might obviously have to start thinking about a different school - but these aren't ordinary circumstances. I do hope you'll be able to get some help with the school journey until half term.

Do you think he knows himself what the problem is?

Don't forget to look after yourself and get help with journeys etc as Something says. It is possible that in spite of his emotional intelligence he cannot articulate the underlying reasons which is why as I said before "homesickness" can be a symptom rather than the cause. If he does know he may not want to upset you by talking about it so he must know that the psychiatrist will keep everything confidential unless your DS gives permission. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but in order for that relationship to work he has to trust this person won't just relate what he has said in their session back to you and the school.

A month and a half on from when I started this thread. I've been diagnosed this week with a very rare form of cancer for which I will need a bone marrow transplant. Ds saw a psychiatrist who referred him to a psychologist and he had his first appointment this week. I've kept school informed of everything.

This week they gave ds a deadline that he must be boarding asap or quit being a chorister. I politely pointed out that he had had only one meeting with the psychologist so far and I thought it was a bit soon to be setting ultimatums.

I can't work out if they don't want the hassle of dealing with a pupil who has a seriously ill parent. I had been led to believe previously that they were happy for ds to take his time to resume boarding, with the support of seeing the psychologist. That approach has changed and the only thing recently that has altered is me being diagnosed as seriously ill.

I"m so sorry to hear your news OP this must be a very worrying time for you.
I do hope they are not setting this deadline in place because you are ill and they don't want the hassle that would be outrageous. Your DS is going to need the support of a caring school more than ever.
The only thing I will say is that sometimes you do have to change your approach to a problem especially if your initial solution isn't working but this should always be done in consultation with parent(s) and in your case the psychologist your DS is seeing which I'm assuming it wasn't.
If your school knows what's going on and hasn't communicated with you and the psychologist etc. about this deadline being introduced then if this was me I think I would be thinking long and hard about whether or not my DS was at the right school in your current situation. You need to have confidence that they are supporting you by supporting your DS, that you are all in agreement with how something like this is to be managed and that if you are too ill to be around for a few weeks that they are going to give you're DS all the love and help he is going to need.
Schools vary enormously in this don't take any notice of what they tell you at open days, say on their website etc we can all say and write what we like it's what happens in reality thar counts. During my long professional career I've been frankly stunned by how different schools which appear very similar are and just how uncaring some can be. IME schools with really fab pastoral care are few and far between, prep schools are often surprising unsympathetic. I think it's because the bottom line is that schools see their role as "educating" our children, getting them through CE, GCSE, A levels etc and many seem so focused on this they seem to to fail to understand that children are not robots who you just press a button on every morning and they just repeatedly do the right things, that individual personality and factors outside of the classroom effect them and their day to day ability to function and learn.

Difficult, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all this.
Do you know how much time you have before you get admitted? I suppose the first thing is to ask the school straight out if they feel it is out of their depth to support your DS in the circumstances. To be fair, they may feel that by forcing the issue your DS will have longer to settle in before you are in hospital, however that decision should be made in consultation with the psychologist and not unilaterally by them if they have your DS's best interests at heart.
With the help of the psychologist your son needs to know his options and decide. To be honest, with his talent he could potentially leave that school and get a chorister place elsewhere even if there was a hiatus of up to a year. I would hope that his present school would n't stop the scholarship in the short term if he decided to stay as a non chorister day boy in view of what is happening to you.

It just seems quite a coincidence so I'm not sure if it is related or not. I hope not as they must have had parents in this position before and they currently have a member of staff who is seriously ill with cancer (they were supposed to be ds's form teacher this year and because he knows what has happened to them it means I have to be extra careful in what I tell ds about me). The time frame my consultant mentioned is 4 months and maybe longer depending on my blood levels. At the meeting they misheard and thought I said 4 weeks and made some sort of comment about making a decision about ds asap. Not at all what he needs imvho.

I'm not sure why the pressure to do the Christmas stay on either. If he doesn't it means he can't be surpliced but they have another opportunity for a stay on at Easter and he could be surpliced after that. Not all of the novices have been surpliced at the same time.

I emailed ds's psychologist and she was very concerned and has suggested that she has a meeting with the school this week to explain and see how ds can be supported. At our meeting the pastoral care asked if they could have feedback from the psychologist on what they could do to help ds. As the meeting progressed she then came up with what seemed to be an ultimatum. She also mentioned about ds having a break from being a chorister but then said other stuff that indicated the break would be a permanent one.

Knowing ds he needs to be kept as busy as possible to stop him thinking about how ill I am. I broke down in tears in front of him last night and I need to ensure I don't do that again. I'm not the crying sort and ds was so upset by it and really shocked.

I'm surprised by the attitude I experienced yesterday as it isn't at all what I've had from ds's teacher (who is also part of the school's senior management team and head of ds's part of the school). He has been amazing and when I met with him last week (before I had a confirmed diagnosis) he said the school would do whatever they could to support ds.

If I have to move him it will be to a local failing state school and he won't get the level of support he needs (hypermobility so uses a laptop in some lessons plus suspected ADHD -waiting for Camhs to provide an assessment). He has been assessed as very very bright and does stuff at school he wouldn't be able to do at the state school. I also think if he can be helped to rediscover his love of boarding then that will be a welcome distraction from all the horrible stuff that will be going on with me. He happily boarded over 60 nights last academic year.

This is definitely not the best start to your weekend.

But it gives people time to think. Once they've processed all the information.

Was the person you had the meeting with the one who gets the final say? Surely that should be the head, with Ds form master? Particularly as he's also head of year...

It seems awful that anyone could want to take away the one thing that might help him through your illness. And, surely on reflection they must see that you're in no position to be making new arrangements?

So it may be that there will be further meetings where they arrive at a more helpful consensus.

Don't feel bad about breaking down in front of Ds. He loves you and he also will be processing information. I always hear people saying that they wish their parent had told them about something at the time - because they went through childhood just not understanding what was going on. I don't say he'll undergo a 24 hr turnaround but at least he knows how everything fits together. And that you are scared and worried.

You have done so well to simply keep going till now. Hold on to the belief that people will not want to make things worse for you both.

I would wait until the psychologist has spoken to the school's pastoral team, I am sure they will take his / her input very seriously. The pastoral lady may have been thinking on her feet and mishearing 4 weeks could have given her initially more reason to force the issue. There is no immediate rush from the point of view of year health but plenty of reasons for the school to be as flexible as possible in your DS's best interests.
Crying in front of your DS may have been shocking for him but suspect that it will enable him to be more honest about his feelings back to you, especially if you say to him that crying and showing one's feelings can help as a release of tension in difficult situations and has helped you as a step in feeling stronger about dealing with the problem.

Thanks. Ds's teacher is higher up than head of year but not sure of pecking order. I wrote some surprisingly eloquent emails yesterday so I've set out my position and what I expect from school. When pastoral care head gave ds the ultimatum yesterday ds said he didn't want to be a chorister. He has told his grandma today that he was just saying that and didn't mean it at all (typical reaction to being told you can't carry on doing something so you say you don't want to do it anyway - I do that and I'm a grown up!).

Ds's grandma also spoke to him about alternative schools and what that would be like. Ds loves his school and being a chorister is what defines him (it is the first thing he says about himself when he meets new people). I hope we can work this out. I worry most that I will be one of the people who doesn't survive and I need to know I'd be leaving ds in the best position I could for his future.

I don't have any advice but I didn't want to read and run. So sorry to hear about how ill your are. You sound like a wonderful mum who really wants the best for son.

Thinking through the absolute worse outcome for your treatment and the how your DS will be best looked after in that situation means that you are being an incredible parent. It is clear from your posts that you are very effective at fighting your DS's corner and working out what is best for him so he is lucky to have you as his advocate.

I know this is incredibly difficult for you as a cancer survivor and a widow I have some understanding of the situation. My youngest DD had a terrible time and seemed to be trying to sabotage things she loved because she felt guilty if she enjoyed anything. The only solution for us was for me to tell her exactly what was going on and to reassure her how much I wanted her happiness. I found both Macmillan and Winston's Wish invaluable for support and help. Take care.

I too followed this thread when you initially posted, I don't want to read & run now & wish you every success with your treatment and your dilemma over your son's education. That sounds very formal but I'm not sure how to be warmer. &

difficultpickle, wondering how you are and how you and your DS have been coping? Bit early for but have some anyway.

Thanks. Not brilliant tbh. Had a letter this week from the consultant to my local consultant setting out my diagnosis in very stark terms. Average length of survival without a transplant is 3 years. Not sure when the time would have started but I have felt unwell for 18 months, which makes me worried I may not have that much time left. Also explains why consultant was talking of 4 months max for transplant. There is not anyone I can talk to without them getting upset, which makes it hard to say anything to anyone.

School have ramped up pressure on ds too, which isn't helpful. They don't seem to appreciate that it will take time to resolve what ds went through last year and make him feel safe about boarding. The school are doing nothing to help and everything to make the situation worse. They sent emails this week but did not respond to three requests for a meeting.

Instead they have had meetings with ds telling him he has to board if he wants to stay a chorister. They are satisfied that because he currently says he does not want to board that that means he does not want to be a chorister. Utter rubbish. Unbeknown to me ds went and saw the head this week and asked him to help support ds to resume boarding.

I have gently tried to tell ds that I think resuming boarding is the least scariest option of the various alternatives we have. I also started to introduce the idea that there may come a time when mummy has to spend time in hospital. He is very very happy at school despite all that has gone on this week.

Are the school fully aware of your serious health problems? Frankly I'm for the want of a better phrase gob smacked that they can be behaving this badly.
I'm so sorry this has happened you both need support and help not lack of understanding.

I have only just read your devastating updates

I am so utterly shocked and disappointed in the schools attitude!

I'm a believer that your ds needs to be very assured that regardless of how ill you become that you will always tell him the truth even it means phoning him at school that him boarding is not going to stop him knowing what is going on. Have you told ds how much you would like him to carry on being a chorister how much joy and pleasure it gives you to see him involved in something he is excellent at? How sad you will be if he stops just because he doesn't like boarding?

I'm so sorry things are tough atm. Is there any one person responsible for your ds' pastoral care at the school who can be the main point of contact and negotiation . It sounds as if individuals are getting involved who do not have a grasp of the whole picture and are fighting a particular corner thus adding to the pressure.

The person I am in contact with for pastoral care said to me that what happened to ds in school last year wasn't her problem as she wasn't in that role then. They are my main point of contact with the school.

The school do know how ill I am, at least I have told them in person and written emails.

Ds does not. I don't see the point in telling him at this stage. I will tell him if I get a donor match. If I don't then I will tell him at a future time depending on how my health is. All that he sees at the moment is mummy is very tired and can't go on bike rides.

I have told ds how happy and proud I am that he is a chorister and how I love hearing him sing. The choirmaster wrote that ds is very musical and likeable but that he has to board before Christmas and if he does not he cannot continue being a chorister. I have told him in person and in writing how ill I am.

I appreciate that ds cannot become a full chorister without doing a stay on but I do not understand why he cannot remain a novice whilst we continue the support to help him resume boarding. He has had two appointments with the pyschologist.

He says that he misses boarding and feels he is missing out on friendships as a result. He is starting to speak more positively about resuming boarding but needs reassurance that he will be safe. So far that reassurance has not been forthcoming (at least not to me - I don't know the detail of ds's discussion with the head as ds told me it was private between him and the head!).

I just hope that your ds can find the strength to be brave and try boarding again. Such a tough situation all around

Hopefully the school have you DS's best interests at heart but there do seem to be some misguided approaches by individuals that are causing you unnecessary stress and worry when you certainly don't need it.
Would the school maintain or even increase the bursary should your DS not be a chorister ? Whilst getting an answer to that and whether your DS is helped sufficiently to face boarding, I would explore other boarding options at excellent schools that in your circumstances might offer a full bursary and develop your DS's talents in singing, art etc even if not as a chorister. The Dragon School and Summer Fields are possible options if not too far and their pastoral care for boarders is excellent. A letter explaining fully the situation to the heads and copied to the bursars of those schools would at least let you know what else is possible out there
You need the reassurance of superb pastoral care for your DS when you are in and out of hospital and that he is at a school that would enable his chances but is financially viable for you. There are advantages to not having the busy schedule of a chorister but still having your individual voice developed and more time for other interests.
If he did have to move school, from what you describe of his personality, he will make new friends very quickly and will have the continuity of friends who move with him to the senior options you might be considering.