Parents from private schools

[freakazoidroid]

We are considering private school for our dd. She is already at the nursery of the school we like and is due to start in reception in sept.
What I am worried about is the community of a private school. If she went to our local primary it would be more like that.
Can anyone please say what their experiences are? Have you made good friends with other parents and socialise with them?
Also we are not loaded and do not have a massive house and lots of nice holidays. In fact holidays would not occur much if we go private.
Will this hinder my dd at school as she gets older with her friends, will they pick on her for not having the lifestyle?
Thanks!

God these threads are always so predictable, aren't they?

lots of people decrying private education - it's immoral, it's unfair, it's all about sneering at people less fortunate than yourself.

and of course, when push comes to shove, it is ok to seek an alternative route if the local school is not a 'good fit' for your child, but the terms under which it may not be a good fit can only be laid out by those who are against private education

I have 2 children, both at (different) private schools. they are at private schools for very different reasons. my reasoning for my younger child would not be deemed 'proper' I shouldn't think, but what do I care? Imo, the local school was not a good fit for her and so we found another school which is.

I used to live in a grammar school area. In many ways I wish we still did. But I had to move to find the right fit of (primary) schools for my children. hey ho. that's life.

But the only thing Seeker has said on this thread is that private education is not available to all. Which by and large, it isn't. And that she doesn't like the grammar selective system as that isn't available to all either. I have not seen her on this thread criticise any parent for sending a child to independent school. How is this either hypocritical or inconsistent?

Froth - where are the personal attacks on this thread against anyone sending their child to a private school?
Apart from Elaine's comments I can't see any great attack on private education, only posts saying it isn't affordable to most people.
Don't be so defensive!

Seeker: 'everyone who passed gets a place.' Not true in our county - maybe Seeker's is different.

There are a finite number of places (in theory) - 120 at our local grammars.

Many more children pass the 11+ than get a place, so a child might pass but be placed, say, 230. This means that, even when drop-outs are accounted for (those taking up private places or going to another grammar in the county), there still will not be a place for that child - even though he or she passed the exam.

In our county, a child in the position of Seeker's DS would be appealing to be placed in preference to probably a lot of 'successful' entrants.

SWC that's a really ludicrous thing to say - anything can be after anything, it doesn't mean the one has anything to do with the other. Stop making everything about special needs.

and of course, when push comes to shove, it is ok to seek an alternative route if the local school is not a 'good fit' for your child, but the terms under which it may not be a good fit can only be laid out by those who are against private education

Not 'of course' at all - why do you assume that's what everyone who's against private education does?

And SWC it would be much more black and white and simplistic if you could just say I was some sort of LD bigot, but that is very clearly not what I said, or meant, or implied, so stop trying to pretend I did so that you can make cheap but meretricious points.

Shit just had a huge post measured and informative and it went tits up.

Sorry, i haven't read the whole thread: seeker and the grammar school appeal Vs private etc etc made my eyes glaze over a wee bit, but in answer to the OP.

We have our DD in a private school, in fact it's the local school: the next school is mainly a boys' school in a very deprived area and is 45 minutes away and the next school is in the other direction 30 minutes away, also a private one, with Eastern Philosophy three times a day. It's not a bad school, that one, but I didn't fancy the Sanskrit chanting.

So we pay fees, and don't go skiing, we don't have a horse, or a car, no, not even a beat up old volvo.
And we fit in very well: most of the parents both work, and are professionals like we are. Some parents are single parents and work, and some parents are SAHPs, with younger kids, or on career breaks. They're good fun on a night out - and we tend to clear the bar eventually as we drunkenly discuss the ins and outs, so to speak, of episiotomy, back to back labours, sleepless nights and raggy nips. Bit like here then.

The thing I like most about DDs school is the holistic approach towards mixing and friendships in the school. In no way is bullying of any kind tolerated and i would say that 99% of the kids who attend are deliriously happy to be there, wherever they come from and whatever their parents earn.

Most of the parents find the fees steep, and only a few who made a killing on property, or have Russian ties are in anyway loaded.
The multis don't seem to mind shelling out for the fees, the house in st trop, skiing etc. And there aren't that many multis actually. Most of the multis are pretty nice actually - IME the ones climbing the greasy pole are more judgemental and up themselves.

So you'll find that except for those who love to host coffee mornings, to give you the once over (all the better to judge you more accurately my dear), and comment ad nauseam about the Farrow and Ball interiors, and who are all watching what kindof designer bag/nanny you have, you'll fit in fine.

I just ignore those insecure clothes-horse cahs (whomsoever they are, not necessarily the multis), and it seems to be working out fine for us.

I second the financial advice to budget for at least 1K extra for extra classes and trips- good luck to everyone who's trying to get their kids settled in a school that supports and challenges them.

IndianOcean - MN has been punctuated by seeker's strident views on all matters education over a number of years. She's been respectably relentless. The realisation that her didactic views don't apply to her own children is a bit of head fuck and you'll have to excuse us while we reorient ourselves.

Interesting thread. We drive a beaten up old volvo. DP is a teacher, I'm a TA and we have 2 DD's at state grammars, a DS at a 'sink' inner city comprehensive (he 'just' failed his 11+) and a DS at state primary.

DS1 (at his 'sink' comprehensive school) has the smallest class sizes (20 to a class), more freedom of choice over his gcse options (DD2 is not allowed to choose GCSE music 'cos despite being pretty good at music she has never done any grade exams...DS1 is 'allowed' to choose GCSE music...) and loads more clubs/extra curricular opportunities than my DD's.

I know a single mum, who doesn't even have a car (let alone a beat up volvo) whose son got a fully funded place at a very good local private secondary school.

Seeker, I'd forget appealing TBH. my DS was a level 5 in Y5 kids, great CATS scores, NFER test results, high reading age. However he crumbled in exams and with hindsight whilst being bright would never have coped with the pace of a grammar. We just sucked up the 11+ thing and made a conscious effort to big up the local comp. It was easier for him to get his head around the situation than it was for the kids who were in limbo whilst parents went through the appeal process.

I feel like I have scored very highly in some sort of thread bingo

alistron1

But I have never hidden the fact that we live in a wholly selective area! Why does that preclude me from having opinions on the subject? Yes my dd is at a grammar school. One of my first ever posts on mumsnet was about how much I hated the system. Once and for all, in order to have any integrity in the eyes of those who cry hypocrite, what should I have done? I can't move. I can't HE. I won't go independent. What other choices do I have?
Oh, and in this county I am right in saying that my don would not deny someone else a place should rhe get a place on appeal. Other counties differ. That applies in this county.

seeker - what's wrong with the non grammar school in your area?

Just send him to the non grammar ffs. It's really a no brainer.

Seeker what about the sec.modern in your area ? Why dont you opt for that ?

The non grammar school, ad I have said loads of times is perfectly fine and ds will almost undoubtedly go there with many of his friends and if he pulls his weight he will do very well. But because 23 % of the catchment goes to the grammar school, what be the top set in a comprehensive is not there. So ds will have a very small pool of kids who are on a par with him when it comes to schoolwork. The school is geared up to deal with less academic children with loads of vocational courses. As is perfectly right- those children should be rhe priority. He will, for example not be able to do 3 sciences, or a choIce of MFL. There is no choir. He will be fine. But he wlll not be with his peers. Which he would be at the grammar school or the too set of a comprehensive.

seeker - Is there a Steiner school nearby?

Now WHY didn't I think of that!!!

I do understand seekers quandry, having been there myself. We all want the best for our kids and I'd seen my DD's enter the grammar system (in my LA the grammars take the top 10%, it's really competitive and most kids are tutored heavily...my kids weren't) and had seen all it allegedly has to offer.

My DS 'failed' his 11+, bless him and we could have appealed or sent him to the local 'sink' school he was offered. Private was/is not an option. So we sent him to the local school.

We knew the intake and issues (DP worked there for a while), we knew that there wouldn't be many boys on DS's 'level' academically... however there are boys there way brighter, more motivated and harder working than him and he has had to raise his game!! But he has done that in an environment where you are not castigated or put under pressure if you get less than an A* in a half term test.

Academically selective schools are selective for a reason, if kids crumble on exam day then they will spend every day of their school life crumbling under the grammar school pressure. I often wonder whether I did the right things with my DD's tbh. Seeing the pressure they are under to excel 100% of the time is pretty tough. DS1 would have been miserable, yet he will leave (it seems at the moment) with the same results as his sisters.

And he really does see life, including running his own 'business' buying/selling chewing gum (well, I buy the chewing gum and he sells it!!!) He's like a mini Del Boy

Ds's school is the best in the LEA. They only do double science, not triple.
You can afford to pay for extra language lessons, if you want.
IIRC, you said that the Grammar is 15 miles away. I'll bet that there are some clever children who have to go to the Sec Mod because they can't afford the bus fares.
There will be some child at the Grammar who had a good day and scraped in. There will be other children, eg your DS, who had a bad day and didn't get in. There will be a wafer-thin difference between them. Do you not trust the Sec Mod to cater for the many children who are nearly-Grammar level.

Your pfb will not be the lone genius at this school.

It's not as competitive as that here-nearly a quarter in grammars is very different to 10%. if he had crumpled under pressure or was borderline I would know the high school was the right place for him. But he didn't crumple, and wasn't borderline. So something went wrong somewhere!

I perfectly understand your point.
If say you did have a comprehensive near you, BUT it was a sink comp, my local one by the way has 17% A-C pass rate as of last yr, so its unlikely there would be lots of kids on par with your son and the school gears work to the level of the kids, would you have still put your ds in for the 11+ and if not why ?

"Your pfb will not be the lone genius at this school" I can't fucking win, can I? I'm asked to explain myself and when I do people post stupid things like that!

If there was a comprehensive school in striking distance my children would go to it. No doubt somebody will come along and say I'm such an outrageous hypocrite you can't believe me, but it is the truth.

alistron -your son sounds great.

Seeker - the science thing is a nonsense. DS1 took dual award science at GCSE and after securing the top grades in A levels he is now reading medicine at university. Dual award science was no preclusion to securing A*s at A level chemistry and biology. And your son will be with his peers. He'll be with all the other children who didn't meet the required standard in the 11+. Does he want to join a choir?