Anti-bullying week: how do you tackle homophobic language with your children?

[RowanMumsnet]

Stonewall's campaign against homophobic bullying, Education for All (which is our Campaign of the Week this week) aims to prevent and tackle homophobic bullying and language in the UK's schools.

YouGov polling for Stonewall shows that 95 per cent of secondary school teachers and three-quarters of primary school teachers report hearing the phrases 'you're so gay' or 'that's so gay' in their schools. And eight out of ten secondary school teachers and two in five primary school teachers report hearing other insulting homophobic remarks such as 'poof', 'dyke', 'queer' and 'faggot'.

We (and Stonewall) would love to hear your views on this. Do you challenge your child if they use these phrases? If so, how? Has your child reported hearing this language at school, or being the target of homophobic bullying? Do you think your school deals with these things well? What should schools do to tackle it?

Thanks,
MNHQ

I find your post quite prejudiced IN. The fact that you are from London and the schools is rural is totally irrelevant. My daughter attends a small rural school and the chair of our board of governors is a gay man. You are just making assumptions about people.

issynoko, your dd is a treasure

]@~
~}hju by7But places across the planet are different MillyR, as are the people in those places and

and my keyboard has gone loopy again.

try again... many rural places are not open minded.

Solo, yes, I apologise to IN. It was an over reaction on my part.

I suppose I just think it doesn't help to raise issues in that way - to suggest to people in those situations that they must have less experience or are less open minded. But I am sure IN is more aware of how to handle matters in her own school than I am!

MillyR - I did say re being from London 'not that it makes you open-minded necessarily'. Believe me, I have come up against plenty of racism and homophobia in London too - but more diluted due to larger numbers of people. Perhaps your own assumptions led you to miss that bit. Our old head was a gay man too, but not openly. Your daughter's school has nothing to do with it. The fact is, OUR school is quite insular - not saying that ALL rural schools are. But I do get 'jokes' from other governors about how many gay friends we have. And one of the dads told me 'queers me sick'. If your school is free of these issues that's wonderful, but many are not, whether they are in a city or surrounded by fields. Not sure why your head of govs being gay is more relevant than anything I've said.

Sorry - the dad actually said "Queers make me sick". Apparently he is 'fed-up with them kissing on pavements'. Which is astonishing, since we don't have any pavements.

MillyR - now my turn to apologise - since I didn't read your second post. So sorry for going off on a rant without reading the rest of the thread. Am probably sensitive since being 'from London' is sometimes used to suggest I have no idea about local issues and have never encountered some of the extreme views I have heard aired in this playground - at least not as openly. Have had comments about a black friend like 'I suppose he must be one of your dodgey Londoners' (he's not from London, although, to be fair, he is a bit dodgey) and about my best friend and her female partner (they are gay) "ooh, I'm not sure I'd let them babysit my kids". So, if over sensitive I am sorry - I think we all want everyone to be nice to each other really! Got to go now - am due to give birth very soon....

I haven't read all the posts here, as am at work (!) but I am a gay mum, and I live with my girfriend. I have two sons, 5 and 7. I have used the word gay to describe myself, and of course we have some friends who are gay , and it's all open and up for discussion. I recently heard eldest DS call his brother an alli-GAY-tor, with clear emphasis on the GAY. I talked to them both, reminding them that gay means two people of the same sex who love each other, no more, no less. At this age I think it's understandable that they forget/test boundaries etc. And it's neccessary to ALWAYS challenge the use of negative language, particularly if it enforces bigotry.

I don't think there is an age at which it's too young to use the word gay in a positive, inclusive fashion. Even if you are not gay, or have no gay friends, there will be opportunities, and I believe you owe it to your children to ensure that they grow up with positive social responses and the ability to engage with everyone. At least as far as possible!!

I guess my point is, it's the parents responsibility to help kids get it right. Schools should be backing us up, not the other way round.

PS After the above talking to, at school pick up, my youngest son came snuggling up, peeked right in my face and said with relish "mummy, you are gay!". I kissed him and said that's right and he gave me the worlds biggest tightest squeeze. Nuff said.

Don't know if this has been mentioned, but Stoke newington school in London has developed a programme targeting homophobia and celebrating Lgbt people. Has been in the Guardian and everything

DD doesn't know what being gay meant - I thought she would have some idea after taking her to see Legally Blonde and we tried to raise the issue with her but she thought that the Gay or European song was just funny and the two men dancing at the end was just a bit silly.

She does however know that calling someone Lesbo might offend even though she doesn't know what it meant (a classmate called it me today apparently alongside telling her I don't love her and am ashamed of her!!!)

Not quite sure what to do - is complaining a bit petty I have a hands off approach but she was upset and said she felt quite defensive of me.

I'm not gay by the way and neither am I ashamed of dd. She is very innocent and young for her age.

Whilst away over the Summer one of Ds's friends came to stay (early teens) and said everything was "gay." (Mine know better, at least in front of me). We had a lovely dinner and chat with our gay friends about why it wasn't great and then on the drive home across Europe we explained the background to and then played Tom Robinson's Glad to be Gay at full volume over and over until we could be sure the message was fully understood.

HI Lenin, I haven't seen you around lately. Is everything ok?

Pleased to see your school is tackling the problem, mummytime - it?s been worrying me for some time that my DSs? school doesn?t acknowledge it has a problem. There is a high proportion of ethnic minority children at the school, and I have found them to be less tolerant of homosexuality. Maybe the school is too busy dealing with racism (successfully) to deal with it. This thread has prompted me to write to the Head to ask what is being done. Are there any teachers out there who know if it is covered in PSHE or RE? (Citizenship? I?m not clued up on these things)

We must live in a bubble as I have never heard my children or any of their friends ever use the word "gay". It never entered my mind as a possibility or what would I do, so food for thought.

I have never felt necessary to explain to my children anything about gay relationships, maybe because we don't know anyone gay or any gay couples.

If we came across a gay couple I would have no problem explaining the whole thing.

As an aside, I have never heard the children swear so maybe if they have heard they word gay used in a bad context and they have just assumed is a swear word then they would automatically ban it from my earshot anyway!

It can be a tricky thing to handle in schools.

I made an awful mistake in my first year of teaching. A 9 year old little girl came into the dining room that we were decorating for the end of year feast (yes, I work in a school remarkably like Hogwarts!) and said the decorations were gay. I came down on her lke a ton of bricks and explained how unacceptable it was and why. The poor child was bright red and stammering by the time I'd finished and said, I'm really sorry, I thought gay meant happy and brightly coloured."

I raised this with my son's junior school because the children were using gay and other words as an insult. He (9) didn't understand how they were allowed to get away with it. His teachers were receptive when I mentioned the issue but when I asked whether sexuality was addressed as part of the personal development classes they said it wasn't and would cause a bit of a kerfuffle amongst some parents if they tried.

I did take a look at the Stonewall site at around that time to see what was being done/could be done elsewhere. A visit from a Stonewall ambassador in every junior school in the country would be a dream.

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