Is it fair to expect DH to work hard to pay for private education

[totalflotter]

I've been lurking around on this site since my first DD was born late last year and have found it very helpful.

As an Aussie married to an Englishman, living in SW London, the more I read the more I am worried about sending our children to state schools. I would like to consider private schools but my DH is unhappy about the cost. We plan to have 3 children and for me to give up work as a Lawyer to help look after them since his income far exceeds mine.

DH's view is that to educate 3 children privately and help with Uni costs to age 22, requires him to earn an extra £2.5m gross! DH wants to retire by his mid 40s (another 7 years) and says he can't guarantee making the extra money. He's worried about impairing our standard of living for what he considers the "dubious" benefits of a private education.

DH says that most people who pay for private education can't really afford it and will regret it in later life with a lower standard of living.

Is private education now only available to the super-rich? I am being unfair expecting him to delay his retirement to pay for these things? Sorry for the long post ...

Don't read about State education, or listen to what other people say, have a look at it.

And actually, yes, I do think you are being unreeasonable to expect your dp to fund something you want to do!

No, its not really fair. You could work for that yourself if you really value it. You could also not have three kids if you want to privately educate.

Is there a particular reason you want three children?

I think you are being a little unreasonable, especially if you're expecting him to put in maybe 15 years on top of his current career, for something that he's not particularly supporting of. Would you permanently give up work or just until school age?

I can see both sides though but if he does retire in 7 years time is relocation a possibility?

I think if you want to fork out so much money, you should perhaps go to work and contribute towards the household yourself.

And have a look into state education before you dismiss it. It is not as bad as the hand-wringers would have you think.

TBH I think that if private education is that important to you, you should get off your arse and earn the money yourself.

No it doesn't seem at all fair to put pressure on DH to fund something that is so expensive and that he doesn't really believe in.

Well surely once your youngest is in school you could work too - couldn't you?

I feel I'm being unreasonable aswell but I'm still worried! Both DH and I come from state schools and in Australia I think I wouldn't be worried about sending our children to state school.

My worry comes from how we compare to many of our colleagues. None of them even consider using the state system. These are well-educated people ... they must know something!

I feel that I'm already way behind since I haven't put her name down for a private nursery/prep schools etc. Neither of us understand the system but we seem already to be too late.

I think it would be unfair of you to give up your job and expect him to earn extra to fund something that you want and he doesn't.

You could look at state education and find out whether it is actually fine in your area.

You could look at moving somewhere with better state education if the local area is a problem (I know London state schools get a bad press)

You could keep your job to increase your income - even if that only balances out with childcare at first, you at least won't have to restart your career once they are at school.

You could have fewer than 3 children, if you can't really afford to keep 3 in the style you would like.

YABU and about 5% of children are privatly educated, so yes definitly for super rich.

Your colleagues don't "know something", they have unthinking prejudices which tell them that state school is never good enough for their children, even it would be ok for the masses. Don't get carried along by their hysteria.

were your well educated colleagues state or privately educated?

FWIW, DH and I were both state educated (scotland/czech rep) and haven't even considered private education for our eventual brood. If there are problems once children are at the school, then you can get extra tuition, and maybe consider moving them - but I see no need to start in the private sector. Oh, and I have a PhD, work in academia, and DH is in the city now - so our state education hasn't hindered us at all.

I agree that your best bet is to move out of London to somewhere with good state options if you are going to give up work - there are plenty of relatively easy commutes

Perhaps your colleagues are snobs?

Sorry, but this seems weird.

A. You're a lawyer. Do you really not earn a decent amount (enough that you should contribute to costs rather than give up work?)

B. Retirement by mid 40's. Are you/is he serious? What on earth does he do? DH and I earn a reasonable amount but are likely to be working till our 70's to fund any kind of retirement. If he earns so much, surely another 5 years of him working and you're sorted.

C. If he really is retiring in 7 years, then he can take on the childcare and you can carry on working, yes?

Do you know how much it will cost for three children ? Have you looked ?

also what PlanetEarth said.

Where are you based now OP?

Don't assume that "well-educated" colleagues know best - see for yourself. Also "well-educated" is often shorthand for privately educated, so they may well just be continuing the pattern of private education with their children blindly IYSWIM. I have friends who went to private and friends who (like me) went to state schools, and TBH the only thing the privately-educated ones have is a certain arrogant sense of entitlement attitude. Also a lack of familiarity with people whose lifestyles are different to their own.

Most people in Britain are a product of British state education an manage fairly well ;)

Understand you wanting the best for your family but feelyou should weigh up... I mean do ou really want your kids to rarely see their hard working Dad?

State edudation can be brilliant and if your kids have flks who as concerned and caring as you guys they will be fine and encouraged where ever they end up.

Personally I feel my DD rocks enough to rock at which ever school she goes to... especially as DH and I will encourage her to do her best and hope to support our local schools however we can.

I don't know if YABU or not - it is the education of your children and should be a joint decision and there are no right or wrong answers.

I know it is daunting to come from another country and get to grips and have a opinion about an education system you never experienced and it is hard at this time of year to ignore the news!

As others have said, look around at all the options open to you - throwing money into a problem is often not the best solution. The other issue to consider your children in the decision and where they would be happiest.

I'm with PlanetEarth.

If he's retiring in 7 years then surely childcare is sorted from that point onward. You can go back to work when your eldest child is in early Primary, and realistically you'll only have one other of your eventual (possible) 3 at school. Your dh can do drop off/pick up and childcare for the one that's not at school yet.

Your earnings can pay the school fees. On a lawyers salary - with presumably no need to contribute to household expenses if the alternative is you not working - that should be easily doable.

Or move to somewhere with good state schools.

I'm amazed that he's thinking of retiring at 47 btw. He must be earning a fortune .

Another one in agreement with planet earth.

Quite a few of my DHs work colleagues send their DCs to private schools. I don't assume they know something we don't. They have just made a different choice .

I think you are being a bit unfair. Sorry.

There ARE some crap state schools. But there are also some very good ones. Equally an expensive private education doesn't necessarily mean a good long term outcome - just look at those two tarts who have been cavorting with Wayne Rooney! (Obv an EXTREME example!)

Having said that I understand your feelings to an extent. I am Irish married to an Englishman and I too have some reservations about the state system. We are currently in Hungary but moving back to UK next year and will put our DS into a private school. And DH will be retiring at that stage (more than likely). He will be 50. We only have one DS and I know that when we were trying (IVF) for another child one of DH's concerns was how much longer he would have to work to pay for education. Unfortunately we will only ever have the one so that is not an issue and DH can retire next year if he wants and we have the money to educate DS privately and to help fund him through university.

In your situation though I think you need to think long and hard and both be willing to compromise. Possibly the compromise may need to be on if you have 3 children or stop at 2. The compromise may have to be on you going back to work for a few years to help pay for the private schools YOU are so keen on.

But I think expecting to have the three children that you want, give up work as you want and privately educate them as you want and expect your husband (who doesn't want the private education) to work/fund it all is a bit unfair.

I would also point out that friends of mine had no intention of sending their children to private schools until they realised all their friends were. Your husband may find the same thing.

I will have to assume you are being deadly serious total. Although I have only just picked myself up off the floor and my sides ache!
Your husband seems selfish and unreasonable.
He states that people can't afford it and therefore have a lower standard of life, what about condemning your children from day one to a lower standard of life.

You will give up work and so will he! good grief what will he do all day. Surely if he is giving up work to retire he could change the nappies whilst you fulfill your potential as a lawyer and pay for the school fees. Or will your DH be too busy with the boys playing golf.

You plan to have children, so you don't have them yet, still time to find a man who will put his children first.

My DH and I have made many sacrifices for our children, I can't remember the last time I had new clothes, but I do it because I want my children to be happy, loved, nurtured and educated. Do I regret having them, no you get back only what you put in and no amount of wealth will guarentee you create wonderful off-spring. I have heard that education, nurture, love and genes play a major role though! Good luck.

keep them at home, pay for part time private tuition there, and hope to get them in to good high schools! or pay for secondary when you will only have one or two to pay for, assuming an age gap.