Is it fair to expect DH to work hard to pay for private education

[totalflotter]

I've been lurking around on this site since my first DD was born late last year and have found it very helpful.

As an Aussie married to an Englishman, living in SW London, the more I read the more I am worried about sending our children to state schools. I would like to consider private schools but my DH is unhappy about the cost. We plan to have 3 children and for me to give up work as a Lawyer to help look after them since his income far exceeds mine.

DH's view is that to educate 3 children privately and help with Uni costs to age 22, requires him to earn an extra £2.5m gross! DH wants to retire by his mid 40s (another 7 years) and says he can't guarantee making the extra money. He's worried about impairing our standard of living for what he considers the "dubious" benefits of a private education.

DH says that most people who pay for private education can't really afford it and will regret it in later life with a lower standard of living.

Is private education now only available to the super-rich? I am being unfair expecting him to delay his retirement to pay for these things? Sorry for the long post ...

"my net salary once childcare costs are taken out will be pretty marginal" well maybe at first total. But a) the childcare costs will be paid by both of you I presume, not you alone, and b) if you stay in work/go back after having DC your salary will likely increase year on year, while childcare costs (NOT schoolfees) will decrease as they get older. If your DH does retire then your childcare costs will dwindle to nothing, while the babies are still little if your timetable works out.

Plus it's worthwhile having your own income (if you'd rather not SAH) in case things don't turn out well in the future with DH, or if pensions crash or one of you gets ill etc.

If you don't like your job maybe look around for a new one. Don't force yourself to become a SAHM if you don't want to.

I agree with Miggsie, using the retirement idea as an excuse. You say that he worries about being able to support you and three children. Is it reasonable to have three poorly educated children (worse case scenario) or two well educated children.

There are two things that I picked up on though, you seem to deffer responsibility to him, ie giving up work, your job is not going anywhere, you say that you doubt you could get a better job. The other is that your husband is pushing aside these responsibilties because he is uncertain. Maybe you need to get to the bottom of why you both lack courage and confidence to carry the responsibility involved in having children and all the sacrifices that might have to be made. If you have children, I'm sure you will want the best for them.

It seems to me that if you are prepared to lower your expectations, your husband might feel more able to match up. However if he was less selfish he could see how important the education issue is to you.

What I can tell you is that my DH earns the national average as do I and our home ed son will be going to a fee paying school in two years. Anything is possible if you have the courage of your convictions and the will. Its all the more possible when you are prepared to put your childrens futures before your own.

We sent all 3 or our children to state schols my cousin sent their two children to Private school. DD! and DD2 finished with 2 A's and a C at A level. Well my cousins DD1 also finished with 2 A's and a C at A level. DD3 hasn't done so well but she is dysparxic and getting there. The state school my cousins children went to don't even really seem to accomadate thoae who are less able. So I think you should go and look at some state schools.

"You both want to give up work but you want to educate your children privately on no income, is that it? "

Not impossible. Home education could do the trick nicely. It is very nearly free if there is a parent at home anyway.

If you want affordable private education move back to Australia - it's the only way my three are in a private school!

OMG. If you can't afford to educate three don't have three. Sometimes even those who think they are entitled to everything have to make compromises. If you really want private education for those you have, then as a qualified lawyer keep on working, pay the childcare and invest in your future income and retain some independence. And actually there are some very good primaries in SW London and even a few very good secondaries.

Cheaper to move into a an area with good state schools that educate three privately.

Why are you even worrying about this now?

Are you aware that many private schools aren't very good? Are you aware that a teacher doesn't have to be qualified to teach in one?

Sounds to me that your DH is rightly pissed off that you are planning the minutest details of your futures, and has thrown in the retiring in 7 years thing to flummox you.

Get a grip.

In a couple of years, start researching primary and pre-prep schools wherever you are, to suit your family situation at the time.

And yes, YABU.

Clearly, like most people you'll have to make some choices.

The choices are clear:

1. you stay at home but only have one child to privately educate

2. you don't privately educate

3. you both go back to work and privately educate

Having said that, having 3 children can be expensive even if you do not privately educate, depending on what you want to do with them and on your family income, so lots of things to think about for you in the future.

Good luck!

yangymac I think the types of people sending their children private is changing. Many were educated in state schools. Many TEACH in the state sector.
It's just an MN myth that none of us know anything about state schools.

Why are you worried about state education?

I don't know if I missed it but I just wondered what your dh wants to do when he retires in his mid 40's. Does he have something specific in mind so definitely wants to stop working then or just hope to be able to free himself up for other interests?

I think you're right to worry about schools . It is confusing what different schools offer, why some are "good", some aren't and the provision of education from district to district and across the country seems to vary so much. It is easy to worry and if the people you know are advising you to go private, I understand why you worry about that too.

If dh wants to retire at 45ish and you don't would like to be a SAHM, is it an option to move back to Australia then? Would the pension/savings you have make it possible to educate privately three there, ifthat is what you really want to do?

I think the people who are saying (unironically) that your dh is unreasonable are being rather hypocritical.

Can you imagine the howls of protest if a man posted that he would like his wife to stop being a SAHM and return to work forthwith because he wanted his dcs to be privately educated?

I think it is highly unreasonable to burden your spouse with your financial hopes/dreams. Jobs are precarious at any level and I know that many of dh's colleagues fret about not being able to support large mortgages/school fees if their jobs went down the pan.

We have been down the redundancy route and know what it's like to go from big salary to zero salary, so now very much cut our coat according to our cloth - and that includes state schools!

It does sound like you want to have your cake and eat it!

We only ever wanted one child (awful sibling experiences of our own), and if we'd had 2 or 3 then they would go to a state school - no argument.

But we had one child and when we were in a financial position to do so, we moved him to the prep we'd always wanted him to go to.

My DH works hard, I work part-time in a local state school and it makes it manageable for us, but you can't reasonably expect to have lots of kids, no income and privately educate them!

He sounds a bit lazy to me. But I can't help drawing comparisons with my DH who became a dad far later in life and is looking to retire really very late because he will do anything to educate our 2 (and hopefully one more) privately. He had a fantastic education and wants our kids to have the same.
Or church primary + tutoring + state grammar (if they haven't disappeared by then)...

If your DH was convinced that private education was superior, but chose not to send your children private because it would be too much hard work, then I would say that he was being selfish. But you said in your OP that he regards the benefits as "dubious". If he doesn't believe that private education is inherently better than state education, then he is making the sensible, rational choice.

OH and I could probably stretch to educate our dd privately if we felt that it was important. However, we have chosen to put her in an excellent state school instead, and I am delighted with her education so far. It's a myth that all state schools are rubbish, and you definitely need to do some more research before making your mind up on this.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

I do like a bit of forward planning but I think you may be taking this too far.

It's not going to cost £2.5m to privately educate three children... It would cost you about £500k (assuming day fees, not boarding) [staggers at the thought of £500k]

I've been through the private vs state argument recently. Fact is, I am a SAHM, we did our accounts and we could afford on DH income and our investments to send both DC to private schools with only a little tweaking in lifestyle.
But that tweaking is important to us. We enjoy our lifestyle, and we want our DCs to enjoy our lifestyle.
DH and I both went to state and free church schools, both went to excellent unis and both have had excellent careers by working hard.
DH has an issue sending DCs to private as he feel it is important that a) we can provide funds to help our state schools, and b) DCs will learn to mix with a wider range of backgrounds and people.
I believe that going to a 'free' school has been of no actual disadvantage and more of an advantage. DH employs a large number of graduate recruits on behalf of his well known company, and the last thing he looks at is where they went to school - private and state pupils are represented fairly equally.
So we are choosing to send our DCs to a good state school, and add fantastic learning experiences along the way.
I grew up in an old money type family, and I hate nothing more than hearing people struggle to ridiculous levels, living in tiny houses and eating beans, in order to give their DCs a so called 'better life'. If you can afford it, do it if you want to. If you can't, don't ruin your own life. Unless there are specific problems your DCs will be fine as long as you are there to support them.

Hmm.. I teach in the private sector and both my boys are state educated. We could afford to send them privately but only just.

I did feel a lot of pressure from my neighbours who all send their kids to private school but now I am really glad we chose our state school. Both my boys are excelling and indeed academically ahead of their privately educated friends.

Yes there are some poor state schools but the majority in my area are very good. The extras that you get in private school are the smaller class size and also usually (but not always) better facilities. HOWEVER, most state schools cater for these larger class sizes with parent helpers and teaching assistants and special needs staff. There are currently 4 adults in my sons class of a class size of 30, therefore a better ratio than private schools. Many state schools also stream the kids early on to target teaching to the individuals need. My sons are on ability tables of 4-6 kids each table working at the right level for them with individual homework set for each table. The school doesn't have the facilities of a fee paying school but I can source the swimming ,music and sports outside of school for a fraction of the cost of school fees.

Have you actually sat down and thought about how much it will cost to educate one child privately from age 4 to 18, let alone 3?

I have just done a 'fag packet/SWAG' calculation on the cost of DS1's education to date. He went to prep school aged 4 and then at 7 got a scholarship and small bursary, had three years totally funded education when he was living abroad and is now doing A levels at a very expensive college where thankfully he has an academic scholarship. We are lucky to have had the two scholarships and three funded years but even so, it comes to approximately 87,600 GBP.

Once you start it is very difficult to stop with the private education. DS had a few friends who had to be pulled out midway through and it was very disruptive to a couple of them.
Think carefully before you go down that road