Disappointing AS and A level results from both DC's. How do I maintain a good relationship with them when I want to kill them?

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Just got results for both kids and they are both dissapointing. DS cant go to uni as he only got a B,C and a U. He did not have good results last year so we had planned for him to apply this year with results and work in the meantime. So he will work and now have to do OU as that is his only hope of a degree and then pray he can go and do a masters somewhere.

DD got her AS results and they are bad.We have tried to keep telling her how she needs to work hard to make sure she is not in the same position as her brother and if anything her position is worse.

Both have been in private education and they have not performed at all. I just keep thinking that we have wasted all our money on them and should have kept it to secure our financial future rather than investing it in them. My husband will go ballistic when he finds out and I will get blame as he wanted to take them out years ago but I insisted they stayed.

I had to give up so many life chances for them and now I sit here in tears as it was all for nothing - the anger from my husband about the money we wasted, the destroyed relationship with him over this issue, the fear of facing family and friends who told us we were stupid for paying for their education and who will now laugh at us and say told you so, the knowledge that they, despite everything we tried to tell them about how important education is and the sacrifices we were making for them to ensure they had life choices, they were not prepared to work hard to get the results.

I gave up my career for them as it would have meant working full time and with my husband's demanding job it was too much for us. I could have done it with more support but that was not forthcoming so something had to give. At the time I thought it was the right thing but now realise it was not.Now it is too late to get back to where I was and move forward.

So what do I do? I have nothing else to say to them and everytime I look at them I know I will be disappointed and to be honest angry and will find it hard not to let that show.

How do I ensure I dont say anything to totally destroy the relationship when I really just want to kill them and feel that they dont respect me, or my husband as they know how important this was to us.

I know they are good kids and I dont have the worries about them that many paprents have and they will come good in the end, I hope, but what do I do in the meantime to get us through this time. I have no-one in real life so would really welcome any advice. I have a crap relationship with my parents, another thread entirely,and had always hoped my relationship with my kids would be different.

Whoops! I hope 'children' are successful adults. Fair or not I'm.blaming Jeffrey.

Hi,

I did biology A-level only back in 1990. I got a C. I had studied chemistry but the lecturer was appalling. It was in the days before OFSTED and, believe me, he would have been sent on his marching orders. The college was very poor. I dropped out of chemistry after a year. To be honest, I also hadn't taken education seriously right through GCSE and A-level years (no one in my family had EVER been to University; I got zero encouragement).
My secondary school was awful too. They had huge problems with behavioural management. We were also the first year to sit GCSE's and we had no previous exam papers to see and the teachers had no idea what they were doing. I was also seriously ill (meningitis) in my last year of GCSE's so was missing from school Jan-April. I got no A/B grades but came away with C's. I learned later that the school had entered me for the middle papers so I wasn't too stressed after suffering the illness (meaning I could only get 'C' grades). I sat a few the following year again and got a couple of B's and A's (A* didn't exist then).
Anyway, I DID get into University with my one 'C' grade A-level. I started a HND in Applied Biology. What a difference in teaching! I had to do a course in chemistry too (I was told it was equivalent to an A-level). I got top marks at the end of my first year. Distinctions in every module and chemistry! They moved me to the second year of a science degree at the start of my 2nd year as my results were so good. I graduated with a 1st and have worked in my profession since then (20 years next year). I also did a Masters degree in my late 20's.
All is not lost. Your eldest may still be able to get onto a degree. His grades aren't that bad.

country
the thread is 5 years old .....

can I just say, if the U was a surprise, it is definitely worth getting a re-mark.

as for the other stuff, I have to admit to feeling that you have put an awful lot of your own stuff on to your children and that isn't fair. Let them be who they are. Plenty of people who are not academic do well in life.