Disappointing AS and A level results from both DC's. How do I maintain a good relationship with them when I want to kill them?

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Just got results for both kids and they are both dissapointing. DS cant go to uni as he only got a B,C and a U. He did not have good results last year so we had planned for him to apply this year with results and work in the meantime. So he will work and now have to do OU as that is his only hope of a degree and then pray he can go and do a masters somewhere.

DD got her AS results and they are bad.We have tried to keep telling her how she needs to work hard to make sure she is not in the same position as her brother and if anything her position is worse.

Both have been in private education and they have not performed at all. I just keep thinking that we have wasted all our money on them and should have kept it to secure our financial future rather than investing it in them. My husband will go ballistic when he finds out and I will get blame as he wanted to take them out years ago but I insisted they stayed.

I had to give up so many life chances for them and now I sit here in tears as it was all for nothing - the anger from my husband about the money we wasted, the destroyed relationship with him over this issue, the fear of facing family and friends who told us we were stupid for paying for their education and who will now laugh at us and say told you so, the knowledge that they, despite everything we tried to tell them about how important education is and the sacrifices we were making for them to ensure they had life choices, they were not prepared to work hard to get the results.

I gave up my career for them as it would have meant working full time and with my husband's demanding job it was too much for us. I could have done it with more support but that was not forthcoming so something had to give. At the time I thought it was the right thing but now realise it was not.Now it is too late to get back to where I was and move forward.

So what do I do? I have nothing else to say to them and everytime I look at them I know I will be disappointed and to be honest angry and will find it hard not to let that show.

How do I ensure I dont say anything to totally destroy the relationship when I really just want to kill them and feel that they dont respect me, or my husband as they know how important this was to us.

I know they are good kids and I dont have the worries about them that many paprents have and they will come good in the end, I hope, but what do I do in the meantime to get us through this time. I have no-one in real life so would really welcome any advice. I have a crap relationship with my parents, another thread entirely,and had always hoped my relationship with my kids would be different.

Do they want to go to uni for a start? Why did they need college? Was college right for them? Why not an apprenticeship? What's so bad about the OU?

And a B & C are grades to be proud of ffs!

Sorry to be harsh, but, this post angered me more than made me feel any sympathy for you. As a young woman who left college with a C and D in two useless subjects and then dropped out of uni, I feel so much sympathy for your teens. I was pressured by my school to do A Levels, not my parents and felt bad enough when I left with useless grades, I cannot imagine how they feel knowing that their Mum is feeling like this.

If you want to do right by them, support them and their decisions and their grades. If your son wants to skip uni then stand by him; if he wants to do OU then there is nothing wrong with that and if he just wants to go travel or something then there is nothing you can do to stop him so just support him and get over your issues with it or at least hold your tongue.

They did not make you quit your career, they did not make you send them to private school and 'waste' your money on their education, you made those decisions, live with it and don't take it out on them.

And for uni, most of my peers, who all should have finished their three years at uni this summer, are either in debt and without jobs, or carrying on uni and getting into more debt because they know that they cannot get jobs as most work they apply for they are being turned down for as they're too overqualified or have the qualifications but no experience so are back at square one.

TBH, at 18, I'd expect him to decide what he wants to do, not for you all to 'discuss' it as if it is something to be compromised. He can choose to discuss his decision with you, but you shouldn't expect him to be happy with your ideas for his life. He may want to redo his A Levels later on or he may just want a job or anything I mentioned above but please please please just support him! Just to reiterate that point!

Reading your later post, let him leave it for a few years for OU. I was totally not ready for uni and studying at 18. I'm 21 now and study for fun in my spare time and am doing a degree at some point. Couldn't do it if I was living at home, you telling him to motivate himself probably made him worse, from my own experience.

re the school bigging up candidates likely results to keep the student and fees..
I suspect this is bollock.

Most private schools are strapped to their results in order to attract pupils.
My experience of priavte schools is thatthey are far more likelyto kick you out if you seem likely to get a poor grade than try and keep you to pocket those fees,

A private school is a business which is more judged upon their results than even state schools are ( even in this era of obsessions with exams and league table results).
If they keep lots of pupils likely to get Us then they will soon find no applications at intake time

I made a real mess of my A levels. I resat one of them the next term (no idea if this is still possible) and went from an O level pass to a B! (I was predicted a C first time round). Because I was already scheduled to take a year out, I applied for university after I had my results (including the resit) and got a place no problem.

The reason I am saying all this, is I was a lot more focused when it came to finals, and got a very comfortable 2.1, and then went on to do a PhD.

I work with a lot of people who left school without much in the way of qualifications, and who don't have degrees. To be honest, many of our senior people have very little in the way of qualifications, but are very effective managers and business people and I have enormous respect for most of them. A degree is not the only way into a good job.

I know my parents were disappointed in my A level results, but they were incredibly supportive, and did their best to help me make the most of the situation. I am so glad thay they managed to be calm (at least in front of me) and didn't make me feel any worse than I already did.

Talk about yer glass half empty...

Really, this is only the end of the world if you choose to make it so.

I think your DS has probably been suffering a horrible strain for a while if he has been telling you he expected a C in a subject where he eventually got a U. And I think the school probably communicated his progress somehow but he may have managed to get to any post first and hide his struggles from you, while you stayed in your 'academics is all' bubble.

I hope he will recover and I hope you and your DH will get over yourselves. I'm sorry for you up to a point, because you do seem to have arrived at the brink of a nightmarish precipice, all of your own making, and it seems you have had a conflict with your DH over this too and must now eat some humble pie (never appetising) but I feel for your DS more, and I hope you will do some serious listening now to what he really wants. I think taking some time off and working, with no studying or pressure, would be an excellent real life experience; he needs the chance to define himself and be challenged without throwing academic performance in among the criteria he uses.

You have a chance to help your DD balance her life better, and I hope you will learn that when you isolate one aspect of the life of a child as the be all and end all, it has the potential to become as much of a hurdle as Everest, more of a millstone than a reasonable challenge or a goal. You can help your DD by listening to her, seeing what she really thinks is feasible for her A levels, without showing any disappointment, and leaving the achievement of her goals up to her. You can also expect her to chip in with household tasks and chores if she doesn't do this already -- I have found that the more you expect children to budget their own time and arrange their own priorities, the better they do anyway.

Some people are good at exams... some aren't. My husband is one of the most mathematically adept people you'd ever hope to meet, with a mother who is a maths teacher and the ability to perform ridiculously complex calculations mentally (his work occasionally resort to this to alleviate the boredom)... yet he ballsed up his maths A level quite spectacularly - he's just rubbish at exams! His life's turned out OK - he got into a course he enjoyed, ended up in a good job and his career's gone better than mine ever since.

I just made my degree offer - my career through various circumstances is so dead in the water rigor mortis has set in... life has a funny way of working out OK though.

His family backed him all the way, my mother was very much academia is the only route to success (as the first child to go the conventional school > college > uni route I had the frustrated aspirations of generations resting on my shoulders).

They've both got options - be it seeing if they can get somewhere via clearing (not the end of the world), be it resits or alternative routes - you need to get in touch with one of the numerous advice lines that always run this time of year and start working out some options for them (at a guess, somewhere like the Radio1 webpages will probably have a link to somewhere - they usually plug this sort of stuff on air).

seriously with both of them sit them down and listen to what they want to do- be very clear that the answer cannot be nothing.

if they are totally not motivated by school/academic work at the moment let them go work in mcdonalds.

seriously 6 months of that they will know what life is like without quals and be motivated to improve themselves.

and do not beat yourself up over the cost of their education- its done.

If you think the reason he did badly is because he diodn't apply himself I would get him to take a year out and get a job, any job.

I did this at that age and then decided I wanted to work my bollocks off at an access course to ensure I didn't end up in a job I didn't want to do.

and if he isn't academic it will give him a chance to work out what he, not you wants to do.

How do your children feel are they as upset as you or have they had a fun day spent with friends?

I think it is worth noting that the OP has been back and explained that he DS was persuing his own career path choices. And that she has already accepted many of the points made by previous posters.

So some of the very angry posters are angry a little belatedly.

How are the Dcs now OP? Have you spoken yet?

WhiteRoses: I can understand both your concerns and also your emotional reactions. It is a difficult situation to be in where you want to see your children succeed in life and have focussed your resources to that aim.

"Succeed" and "resources" are difficult terms because they can mean different things to different people.

From your initial distress, you've moved on to the distress of wondering whether you made the right decisions in the past, and what the heck you do now. If there's a parent on this planet that doesn't sometimes question themselves about that, they're the parents talked about in other areas of MN and they're usually called toxic. You are doing what I, and hundreds of thousands of parents have done, namely questioning ourselves about decisions we made in the past. It isn't futile to ask those question, even though the past can't be re-written; it can be very sensible to do so within the context of "where do we go from here" - i.e. how do you now support your children.

My offspring are now in their thirties and are both established in their chosen careers. But to this day, I wonder whether we made the right choices.

pag actually i was feeling a bit disappointed by that! was hoping the OP was going to insist (so that we could have a real evenings entertainment...)

but the OP appears to have been very sensible and taken it all on board. which is what advice forums are for, no?

Please update us OP, on how it goes.

Don't be dissapointed with your children, Your DD can resit he AS levels.Bith DD1 and DD2 did this. Aslo your son got a B and a C for two of his A levels, These are good results. Yes I know he failed one. But it's not the end of the world.There are several options he can look at, Ask him what he wants to do, Going to uni is not for everyone. He could probably resit the A level he failed,
With our 3 DD's we have always told them just to try thier best,

Above all, it's important to stop leading your children by the nose here -- a DS who really, really wanted to do economics/finance (and it's been his thing for five years, so apparently since he was maybe 12 or 13 ) and is single minded about it would not have neglected his chemistry to the extent he seems to have done, nor would he have failed to seek help with the Achilles heel subject if he thought he was struggling. Somewhere along the line this young man has checked out, if he was ever really on board in the first place. He needs to be allowed to find his own way and not have his mother arranging alternatives to the uni route she had in mind, and continuing to map out his path for him.

I made a mess of my A-levels but managed to get to uni. Would have been over the moon with a B and a C.

You can't make your kids successful - they have to do it themselves.

My parents ALWAYS told me and my two siblings that all they wanted for us was that we be happy, and that we be in a position to make choices. If we wanted to be gardeners - that was fine, bus drivers would have been fine, brain surgeons also fine, so long as we did what we wanted.

They never pressured us about having to get great grades, or get into flash universities, and when exams didn't go well they were disappointed for us, not IN us - which is very different.

The result of this is that out of us three kids there are two doctors and one barrister - one went to Cambridge and the other two to Edinburgh. My parents are proud of us, but they don't care whether we have flash jobs or not - they are just glad that we have all been able to choose the jobs we wanted.

All that matters is that your kids are happy. If you sent them to private school because you thought it would guarantee them good results that was a mistake. You chose to give up work and spend the money on the fees - you shouldn't resent them for it.

Wait a few days to calm down - then try and start thinking of positive solutions and next steps that they can take to make lives that they will find happy and fulfilling. You should be focusing on what THEY want to do with their lives and how to help them get there, not on your disappointment.

OP, you've been given some brilliant advice on this thread.
I know that you are disappointed, but please, try not to be angry, it truly is not the end of the world. They can still continue studying and in fact are more likely to continue with their education if you support them.
In a few years time when they are successful individuals, you will be wondering why you were so worried about them.
Remember it is not about you,it is about them.

forehead ,of course what you say is true ...but it is not so easy to switch off that worry or to stop feeling that you've played a part in how your children have turned out .
Its feeling ( even partly ) responsible rather than feeling that it's " all about oneself ".

Maybe you the OP put too much pressure on them.

Ouch. When I got my A level results (which were worse than these), my mother said to me "What am I going to do now? I've told everyone you're going to university."

This was followed swiftly by "Well you'd better find yourself a job now and pay back some of the money that's been spent on you over the years."

I got on a graduate training scheme, at 19, with just my two crappy A levels - the only non graduate on the scheme. And I've done fine. Better than a lot of the graduates, and I'm 2-3 years younger than them, so had a bit of a headstart.

Oh and I left home a month later, so I wasn't paying back any money - which went down well, as you might imagine!

this isnt completley about them,this is your disapointmment and bit resentment.as you say you "gave up my career for them" and built expectations.unfortunately cant live life vicariously through your children,or expect them to perform for you.maybe the whole weight of expectation thing was burden,reads as if they were perhaps under parental pressure

time for you to step forward and do something for yourself.they aree young people they have to figure this out

instead of fretting about them going OU,what next why dont you look for some interests for yourself

Cant you go to UCAS with a B and a C-as far as I know the minimum uni qualification is 2 A levels at E and above.I think it would be worth a shot.

You have already received some excellent advice, and I do feel for you and understand why you are disappointed.

However, I wanted to give you some consolation:

1. the school you chose and that you sacrificed so much for, will have given then a very nice experience both educationally and socially (I hope?). I assume you chose the best school in your area so what you have given them can't be taken away. It's not all abour results.

2. there are zillions of examples of people who don't do fantastically at results but then manage to do very very well indeed. Maybe your children just need to find something they are passionate about yet.

Take care and big hugs

I agree that you should get them both to get jobs.

I spent my sixth form working in a shop on Saturdays and it made me work harder in my A'levels so that I did not carry on working in the shop.

Plus some of the kids I know are supported totally by their parents through A'Levels, degrees and have never worked at all. Even if they got a first in their degree I would not feel tempted to employ them because they have no work experience.

I would cut pocket money for both and let them support themselves. That will soon give them the encouragement they need or heaven forbid they might do really well in their job, progress and not want to go to uni. Most of my company's senior execs did not go to university and earn far more than the graduates they employ. Also please do not mention any sacrifices you made because they did not ask you to make those.

By the way whiteroses on the career in finance, I worked in finance since the age of 21 and my DH is an accountant, I have just moved out of the Industry into HR and love it. My DH wants to become a teacher. He wanted to be an acountant from the age of 10 and cannot stand it now. My BIL is a doctor also his chosen career and now wants to be a car mechanic. Get him to speak to careers advisers who may analysis him just to make sure this career would really suit him.

You can still become an accountant without a degree but with a smaller firm. The big boys will not take you without a degree but having worked for one, I would never encourage my DCs to apply unless they were prepared to work all hours and stab their colleages in the back. (That last point is personal feelings so some of the big firms may be lovely to work for). Smaller firms would also allow him to have a life as well as work. For me to be a success in life is getting the worklife balance right and enjoying what you do, whilst keeping a roof over your head and food on the table.