Disappointing AS and A level results from both DC's. How do I maintain a good relationship with them when I want to kill them?

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Just got results for both kids and they are both dissapointing. DS cant go to uni as he only got a B,C and a U. He did not have good results last year so we had planned for him to apply this year with results and work in the meantime. So he will work and now have to do OU as that is his only hope of a degree and then pray he can go and do a masters somewhere.

DD got her AS results and they are bad.We have tried to keep telling her how she needs to work hard to make sure she is not in the same position as her brother and if anything her position is worse.

Both have been in private education and they have not performed at all. I just keep thinking that we have wasted all our money on them and should have kept it to secure our financial future rather than investing it in them. My husband will go ballistic when he finds out and I will get blame as he wanted to take them out years ago but I insisted they stayed.

I had to give up so many life chances for them and now I sit here in tears as it was all for nothing - the anger from my husband about the money we wasted, the destroyed relationship with him over this issue, the fear of facing family and friends who told us we were stupid for paying for their education and who will now laugh at us and say told you so, the knowledge that they, despite everything we tried to tell them about how important education is and the sacrifices we were making for them to ensure they had life choices, they were not prepared to work hard to get the results.

I gave up my career for them as it would have meant working full time and with my husband's demanding job it was too much for us. I could have done it with more support but that was not forthcoming so something had to give. At the time I thought it was the right thing but now realise it was not.Now it is too late to get back to where I was and move forward.

So what do I do? I have nothing else to say to them and everytime I look at them I know I will be disappointed and to be honest angry and will find it hard not to let that show.

How do I ensure I dont say anything to totally destroy the relationship when I really just want to kill them and feel that they dont respect me, or my husband as they know how important this was to us.

I know they are good kids and I dont have the worries about them that many paprents have and they will come good in the end, I hope, but what do I do in the meantime to get us through this time. I have no-one in real life so would really welcome any advice. I have a crap relationship with my parents, another thread entirely,and had always hoped my relationship with my kids would be different.

WhiteRoses - I would echo what LaurieFairyCake said, and maybe you should think about what you want to do for a bit. You'll have both DCs out of the house shortly, and you need to have a different focus in your life.

I work in the City, and yes, for Graduated programmes, they do generally require good A Level grades and a 2:1, but, that's not the only way to get in. There are lots of other routes, and if you can show you're dedicated, willing to learn and interested, you can still end up working in finance. For example, a friend of mine applied for every grad role going, in every bank, got to interview stage, but didn't get anything. He went for an interview at one of the financial analysis services (like Bloomberg or CNBC), but didn't get the role (it went to another friend). They told him they were very impressed with him, but couldn't offer him the role (it went to another friend). He then got ballsy and asked whether they would consider taking him on as a temp, so he could prove himself, and they agreed. Before his three months were up, they offered to take him on permanently.

Many of the people I have worked with (some very senior) have only A Levels, one had only got as far as GCSEs.

Maybe have him start looking into what career options look interesting to him, and reassess as to whether or not a degree is essential, or if he could do OU while temping.

graduate programmes, not graduated

and apologies for repeating.

WhiteRoses, you have done your best to give your children the life chances that you didn't have. It's up to them what they do with those chances. Don't damage your relationship with them by making them feel guilty. Love them for who they are and the decisions they make, and they will appreciate all that you have done for them.

SleepingLion - I had a surprise E at Alevel maths - got A for Aslevel the year before then freaked out in the exam and got an E. Fortunately my parents were not disappointed in me, despite having paid for my education. I was disappointed in myself.

just a thought not sure you can do it if he is interested in economic/finance how about training to be an accountant - in my day you could do that without a degree, I don't know now.

THIS is why it is cruelly idiotic and selfish to make academic success such a measure of a person's worth and importance.

I have no sympathy for OP but immeasurable amounts for her DC.

You wasted your money on aspirations YOU had rather than those of your children.

Do either of your kids actually want to go to Uni? It is for THEM not you to decide now what they do with their lives without the pressure of your expectations. Imagine how they must feel, knowing you feel they "have let you down". Getting bad exam results is not the end of the world, and university is not the be all and end all of life.

I agree with belgo, this is a difficult stage in your childrens' lives but you don't seem to be supportive of them unless they are going to follow the path you have laid out for them.

At the moment I don't think your kids are letting you down, I think that you are letting them down. If an academic path is the right path for them they will follow it when they are ready. Private schools are not some magic guarantee for a "successful" life, it would be truely naiive to think so. I think this is a trap that people who have not been to private schools themselves often fall into tbh.

Getting not particularly good A level results is not a big deal in life.

Going back to the short OU courses - I can recommend them because I'm doing one myself (I have a degree but am doing it for pleasure).

Apparently universities like them, too. A friend of mine tells me that some of her super bright, super motivated sixth formers have done them alongside their A Levels. They're not lightweight, basically.

Also, are you sure teh school did not talk your kids up to make sure you stayed there and paid the fees.

Having parents who are disappointed in you is a big deal in life, don't lay this on your kids

amothersplace - as a teacher in an independent school, I can assure you that in my experience we would never 'talk up' a student's performance in order to keep getting the fees. How rude of you to suggest that we might do something so unprofessional. You do know that we have to send predicted grades to the exam boards as well, don't you? Are you implying that we lie to them as well?

FFS

Yes, please go easy on your children, being happy to me is much more important than academic qualifications..I myself will be happy if my DD can speak, read, have at least one friend and be happy, honestly.

To be fair, Lion, you and your colleagues might not act like that, but surely you can't talk for your entire profession!

I think amothersplace suggestion is worth considering, tbh.

Employers like OU degrees because they take commitment and a strong work ethic/dedication. Perhaps your DC could take a year out, funding themselves with jobs they can find...a bit of a reality check. Maybe they'll find their vocation, maybe they'll discover they need to study to realise their dreams and maybe they will be better placed to put in the effort when they are doing so for themselves rather than you.

I do appreciate those who have made constructive comments, especially about career paths, on this thread and if I have not responded it is because, I have to go out for a bit, and also need to think about whats been said and how to respond.

I would also like to say that at no time have I ever said I measure my kids in terms of how they do academically. Whilst I have encouraged/pushed them academically, and they know that it is imporant to me and my DH I have always told them that it is becasue it will help them get to where they want to go, not where I want to go.

The reason to start this thread was for me to vent on here and get some excellent advice, which Mumsnet is famous for, and which for the most part I have received and am very grateful for. My kids, and my relationship with them is very important to me, possibly too important, and I would not ever jeopardise that hence this thread.

I think you have got some very good advice on here already.

Take some time out to relect and review the position in a few days.

FWIW an education is never wasted.

Abs ofCroissants (or anyone in City) - do you know what temping agencies are used in the city?

Would this be a good way for DS 'try before your buy' theory?

Thanks in advance

If this thread has helped you realise the importance of your relationship with your children, then that's great.

But please, tell your son Well Done, for his two good A-level results.

Your DS should be proud of himself for his B and C. The U is disappointing, but not the end of the world.

It's natural as a parent to want your children to do well, especially if you place a high value on education. So don't beat yourself up about feeling disappointed, but like others have said, it's best not to let this show through to your son.

This school doesn't seem to be getting the best out of your children- are/were they happy there? If not maybe your daughter could transfer to a local Catholic/Grammar sixth form and try there (usually still very academic) or are there any good sixth form colleges in the area? If her AS Levels were very disappointing she may be best to start again at AS Level, perhaps with different subjects.

op, i felt very sad reading your op. but, i think the advice offered here is very good, not just for you, but for those of us, who may well be in your shoes in a few years time.

thank you mn.

WhiteRoses: I would recommend looking at eFinancial Careers. They have information on applying for jobs, and a bit where you can register and post your CV (for it to be picked up by recruitment agencies).
Some agencies he could contact directly are:

• Morgan McKinley
• Twenty Twenty Recruitment

(these are the ones I can think of at the moment).

I would also recommend reading:
All you need to know about the City which gives a really good overview of what banks, accountants, lawyers etc. do. It was written by a former City lawyer, and is very good for getting some basic knowledge (I wish I'd read it before I started working).

If he wants something more serious, there is Options, Futures and Derivatives which I've been told is very comprehensive, and is used on a lot of Finance courses.

Would it be an option for him to maybe temp for a year while redoing the U A Level?

Poor WhiteRoses. Firstly both her kids get disappointing results and then she gets a MN kicking. Not a good day.

I feel your pain, whiteroses. I think that I got where I am in life because of my education and wanted to give my DC the same chances. As a geek, it pains me that they are not as keen on schooling as I was. But what can you do?
Keep reminding them that they are adults now so the future is in their hands. Don't do any more planning or organising for them - let it come from them, and try to support them in whatever it is. Definitely don't encourage them to get thousands of pounds in debt a degree just because it's 'the done thing'.

White roses - I totally sympathise with you .
I'm posting from the local library because feeling too upset to go home and face DC after his poor results .
And I am cross with him - because he could have worked harder .I thought he was ,but I was obviously fooled .
Have you looked at degree courses at colleges rather than Uni's ,apparently the fees are cheaper .
Big hug to you .
It will all pass ,keep your chin up .