Disappointing AS and A level results from both DC's. How do I maintain a good relationship with them when I want to kill them?

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Just got results for both kids and they are both dissapointing. DS cant go to uni as he only got a B,C and a U. He did not have good results last year so we had planned for him to apply this year with results and work in the meantime. So he will work and now have to do OU as that is his only hope of a degree and then pray he can go and do a masters somewhere.

DD got her AS results and they are bad.We have tried to keep telling her how she needs to work hard to make sure she is not in the same position as her brother and if anything her position is worse.

Both have been in private education and they have not performed at all. I just keep thinking that we have wasted all our money on them and should have kept it to secure our financial future rather than investing it in them. My husband will go ballistic when he finds out and I will get blame as he wanted to take them out years ago but I insisted they stayed.

I had to give up so many life chances for them and now I sit here in tears as it was all for nothing - the anger from my husband about the money we wasted, the destroyed relationship with him over this issue, the fear of facing family and friends who told us we were stupid for paying for their education and who will now laugh at us and say told you so, the knowledge that they, despite everything we tried to tell them about how important education is and the sacrifices we were making for them to ensure they had life choices, they were not prepared to work hard to get the results.

I gave up my career for them as it would have meant working full time and with my husband's demanding job it was too much for us. I could have done it with more support but that was not forthcoming so something had to give. At the time I thought it was the right thing but now realise it was not.Now it is too late to get back to where I was and move forward.

So what do I do? I have nothing else to say to them and everytime I look at them I know I will be disappointed and to be honest angry and will find it hard not to let that show.

How do I ensure I dont say anything to totally destroy the relationship when I really just want to kill them and feel that they dont respect me, or my husband as they know how important this was to us.

I know they are good kids and I dont have the worries about them that many paprents have and they will come good in the end, I hope, but what do I do in the meantime to get us through this time. I have no-one in real life so would really welcome any advice. I have a crap relationship with my parents, another thread entirely,and had always hoped my relationship with my kids would be different.

My mother gave up work 'for me' and expected me to live the life and career she would have wanted for her self. She terrorised me all through school and built up unrealistic and unfair expectations of me that i was doomed to fail meet.

Gosh but she was pissed off when i got my leaving certificate results

In fact she cried and screamed and threw a fit so I walked out the door. She followed me to the bus stop still wailing a shrieking at which point my friends dad drove past, saw what was going on and hauled me into his car and slammed the door in her face.

In fact i didn't do badly at all.... i had an awful accident in my final year that threw me off badly, I was ill for my exams and i don't cope well in exam situations at the best of times but i got 370 points and despite failing maths (which was a given... I have whatever the mathematical equivalant of dyslexia is) I got a place in Uni.

Which i deferred for a year and then dropped out of as it was something I just couldn't get interested in (my mother had decided me being good at English meant i should be a journalist and I had applied for courses that could set me on this path, i ended up accepting an Arts course and hated it). She then nagged me for two years until i applied for another course... Business this time as it was my dad's field. I then dropped out of it one month before the end (I actually had so much of the work done i got several Distinctions but didn't get the Diploma as i hadn't done a few exams)

Years later I've finally relaised what it is i'm interested in... Science. Something my very expensive private college steered me away from as i wouldn't have gotten high enough grades for them in chhemistry. I've started and OU degree and love it, I'm enjoying every second of what i learn and i'm doing it for me for the first time in my life and therefore only have the pressure i put on myself to live up to.

And yet, when my mother rings and starts rabbiting on about my course work and saying patronising things i still feel like fucking it in as i hate what she did to me so much i never want her to have the satifaction of gloating to her friends and family 'Oh Summer has her Masters now you know. [aren't i clever for birthing her]'

Childish i know, but when someone treats you like a 3 year old who has to be directed and bullied at every turn it is quite difficult to break the habit of behaving like a child in response.

Sorry to hear your so upset. You've said "I will give it a break before we sit them down and discuss how they move forward with their educational/work lives." I think you must realise that this is not your responsibility any more. "Sitting them down" is just the same old pressure. I wonder whether it would be better to just leave them be for a while. Perhaps suggest to your son that he lets you know what he wants to do once he's decided, and let him know that (eg) you'll support him financially if he decides to continue with training as long as he gets a part time job, or that you'll expect board and lodgings if he goes straight into employment. Whatever you decide is fair. Either way, I suspect that they're feeling a bit disempowered by the weight of expectations, and you need to consider handing over the control of their lives to them.

I had parents like IloveDonaldDraper's - who never expected or pushed us into anything. As a result, our drive and ambition was OURS, and we've ended up v happy and successful in our chosen careers. At the age of 15 I had made my decisions about my Standard Grades (GCSEs), I chose my Highers and A-Levels myself, I arranged my own university open day visits and got myself to Oxford (300miles away) for my medical school interview, on the coach. Not because my parents didn't care, but because it was MY life and my decision. And giving me the responsibility was very empowering as I knew in my heart that I'd done it all under my own steam without my parents helicoptering around "supportively".

I remember once at college feeling very unhappy and pressured by the workload, and telling mum I was considering dropping out. At the other end of the phone she must have been terrified at what might happen to my life and career, but she didn't show it. Just told me, that if I really thought it was the right thing to do, they'd support me, as long as it definitely WAS the right thing, and I was doing it because it would make me happier in the long term. That was so much better than disappointment and "but we've sacrificed so much for you". And of course it was just a blip. My brother DID drop out of uni when he realised he was going down the wrong road, but he's now quite content in a profession which doesn't need a degree.

God, your poor kids.

whiteroses I think some of these posts have been quite harsh. I've been where you are now. We had to pull DD out of her private school after GCSEs and she went to a local grammar for 6th form. She got DDDD at AS level, which meant that a lot of the universities she applied to wouldn't even consider her.

She did try harder for A level but still didn't achieve what she was predicted- too busy having fun. But she rang up the uni on results day and said if she begged could she still go and they said of course. She got her 2:1 in her chosen field but has done very little since. We butt out. Privately we are concerned about her lack of ambition but it's her life. She knows we are here for her if she needs us, but we don't try to tell her what to do.

Our youngest son dropped out of school mid Y12. We did have some conversations about what he planned to do, during one of which he screamed at me that all I wanted was for all my kids to go to university. I told him that all I ever wanted was for them to have choices because neither me or DH did. We both left school at 16 and the children have seen how we've struggled over the years. I don't know how one has absorbed the idea that we want to run his life- each child chose their own subjects and their own direction. But clearly we went wrong with him. Perhaps he needed more direction?

None of mine can turn round and say that we didn't let them do what they wanted to do, as I could easily say to my parents (my father chose my O level subjects).

2 of my DSs are now working in McD's. They seem happy enough. Whether they will still feel the same in their 40s will be their problem, not mine.

Incidentally if your DS wants to do finance he can do the AAT or ACCA route, or CIMA if he's up to it. His best bet might be to find a junior finance post with an employer who will pay for him to study on day release.

good god SummerRain - reread your post and think how it sounds ...

I was your child 10 years ago... a private education gone down the pan when I screwed up my A-Levels. (Well, predicted 2 As and got B,C,C.) To be fair to me, my mother had a life-threatening illness in my final year and I lost the plot a little.

However my parents reacted very much like it sounds you are...my dad effectively disowned me (a disgrace, a little shit etc) and my mother cried and toldd me how much I had let her down, wasted their money etc etc.

We got past it after a while but I didn't really get over it. I 'went off the rails' for a year and really struggled with what i now recognise to have been depression, my self-esteem was shattered by that and other things. I didn't know who I was anymore as a huge part of my persona in the eyes of my family had been my academic success...I hadn't realised this until I got it wrong.

I went on to get a good job in marketing after a year that led me down a path...at 23 I decided to go to uni and get a degree that I chose and applied for, with no input from parents etc. They told me if I gave it up I was on my own. Eventually at 24 my father apologised for having been such an arse. I must admit a small part of me hasn't forgiven him, yes they were struggling but so was I. I deserved more, I think.

Has your DS considered taking an AAT course this year? these quals would open doors for him into accountancy? they can be done over a year in eve or during day. Alternatively some centres offer fast track versions? Your son should be able to start at level 2. Each level costs about a grand. More info at AAT.org.uk

Sorry, 3 As.

I know exactly how it sounds basil.... i'm not saying if i were't a better person i couldn't have just risen above her behaviour and gotten on with it but i didn't. I can't turn back time and change that.

Do you know what it's like to have to listen to someone tell you daily what their expectations for you are? How you're failing them by not being an A student, how you're ruining your life by not working hard enough, that you're too clever to not be good at every subject, that they're embarressed of you when you get a C, never praising an A but tellling you 'Of course, I wouldn't expect less from you', telling you your life is worthless if you don't have a decent qualification (and most of that at the point in time where i was putting in 14 hour days in a private grind college at the age of 15/16)

I'm not saying i made the right choices. In fact if i could do it again i would change a lot. I sabotaged myself at every turn in an extremely childish response to her attitudes towards me. If i'd been sensible I would have just ignored her opinions and done the subjects that interested me... but when you're being told on a daily basis how much your education is costing you feel rather like it's not your choice anymore.

My point in posting that was to give the OP an insight into how her children are probably feeling about their education at this point, and how those emotions are going to taint their future education as well if something doesn't give.

It says it all that i don't even tell my mother my results now that i'm studying what i love... in fact she wouldn't know i was studying at all if it weren't for the fact that i discuss it with my father.

We have had two posters who have written in the same vein: that their parents didn't push them and yet the DC got to Oxbridge, became doctors, barristers yadda, yadda.
This is a bit simplistic.
I have to push and nadger DC1 because it is lazy and never achieves its potential. I never push DC2 (to the extent that I have had another parent ask me how I manage to be so laid-back) because I don't need to. It is so easy to do the "que sera, sera" routine when they are self-motivated. Try living with a child who wastes every advantage given to them (and there have been lots: brains, supportive family, material advantage etc) and try not to be disappointed.

Update for those of you who have been kind enough to give me hope that all is not lost, and that my kids can achieve what they really want. All I have ever done is encouraged my kids in their dreams, not mine. By insisting on a private education I was trying to ensure a good education that would offer them far more opportunities to achieve their dreams than I ever had.

I hate that my parents stopped me from pursuing my education and reaching my full potential.I have never really forgiven them for that. I just wanted to be able to say to my kids that we educated you, and now whatever path you follow is the path you want to be on not sone path chosen for you by someone else.

Economics/Finance is something my son chose when we went to New York when he was 12. He loved the hustle/bustle of the place and fell in love with the New York stock exchange and decided that was what he wanted. DH and I have supported him in this and tried to encourage him in achieving this. Not getting there at the first, and easiest option, seems a shame and against everything he was working for.

Now that everyone is calm and we have talked. DS has accepted he did not work hard enough to get the right grades and that he needs to come up with another plan. I truly thank everyone on here who has helped with other paths that he could follow and he will be following these up. He has a student placement in a bank for the next year so will try and pursue that for other options once he has started.

Alot of people have made comments that being so interested in my kids education is not a good thing and that I have been pushy and interfered too much.Taking that on board I/We have spoken with our kids and told them that all we have ever wanted was the best for them and that their success in life has been our only motivation. They both agree that we have encouraged their dreams but have said that the comments re the cost of private education have not been helpful. We have apologised for this.

Our lives are not directed by education and grades. We are a close family and have fun and will overcome this. We talk about almost anything and everything and they know they can, and they do, come to me/DH with any issues they have. Despite this I hope that my kids do not post about me being a toxic mother in the future. Having read alot of comments on here I fear that they might I will get the toxic parents book and will have a read.

My sons has breezed through exams before and got good grades with minimum work but unfortunately it did not work this time. Hence the strong disappointment.I posted to get some help with addressing my feelings and realise from what many have said that I need to not live through my kids and need to push them to be a little more independently that I have done so far. I know I need to let go and will try and do that. It is hard when their best interests have been the focus of my life for the past 18 years. I accept that any decisions made have been my decisions and I need to ensure that I dont lay them at my kids door anymore.

Thank you so very much to all the helpful comments. I knew that MN would give some perspective, and harsh truths. Sorry if I have not addressed individual comments but please know I have read and taken on board the vast majority of them.

WRAN... well done, and i hope you and your kids all get exactly what ye want from life

Best of luck for the future for you all. Let him lead his own way now, you have done your bit.

Just caught up with your original post, White Roses - you sound like a great Mum to me who only wants the best for her children. My children are still at primary school, but I've learnt a lot from this thread about treading the difficult line between encouraging our children and taking an interest in their education and being pushy and domineering, and turning them off making the right choices for them. All easy to see with hindsight, but not easy to get right at the time. Good luck to your whole family - and thank you for updating.

I am sure your children will be fine in the longer term - you sound sensible and realistic about it all.

I think this has been a very useful thread btw in highlighting the fact that it really isn't helpful for any parent to feel they have 'sacrificed' their career/life/whatever. Our children deserve to be supported, totally, but not at the expense of the parents having fulfilling lives. Also, you can throw as much money as you like at education, but your children are individuals and will respond accordingly. Maybe, in hindsight, they would have worked harder and achieved better at the local comp? Maybe they felt the money was doing the work for them, and if they'd just been in a normal state school they would be more self motivated.

Anyway, water under the bridge now, focus on the future and I;m sure they'll be fine.

"Maybe, in hindsight, they would have worked harder and achieved better at the local comp?"

Or maybe not. I realised that private Junior school was wasted on DC1 and decided not to throw good money after bad by paying for Secondary too. DC1 didn't suddenly wake up, smell the coffee and start working hard. If they are unmotivated then there is not much that the parent can do. Motivation comes from withinn, not from parents.

Dear WhiteRosesAreNice

Just wondered how this all went after all? I recently found myself in this same position and this is the first time I've commented on Mumsnet, the comments made really put things into perspective, eh? You're 5 years down the line now, but it would be nice to hear how things turned out if you have a mo. Best wishes ????

OP I was talking to a mother the other week her DC died in an accident. She told me that she now realises that we as parents stress over exam, schools, results etc but now she knows that all these things are actually completely meaningless, that she would like to be opening any exam results this summer however poor, what actually counts is having our children alive.

Are you sure your ds can't get into university with a B and a C? Now that the cap is lifted I understand universities are being quite generous. Or he could work for a year and then resit the U and apply again next year?

This is a very old thread, but having read the first page through before I realised, I too wonder how it turned out now we are 5 years down the line.

2010 thread

But as somebody who flunked my A's I'd be interested to know how it turned out too

OP you have my sympathy and I wonder how it all turned out for your DS and you.
My Ds is quite a clever boy. On the advice of his teachers he sat a very competitive scholarship to a well regarded school, and although he didn't get it, he was near the top of the long list of also rans. He did quite well in his GCSEs and then downed tools and spent the following two years taking advantage of the numerous extra curricular activities that his school offered. Needless to say he didn't do nearly as well as we'd hoped in his A levels. All his friends had worked hard and they got into Oxford, Cambridge, Edinburgh, Bristol etc. while he ended up somewhere less academic.

My disappointment was such that when I heard his results my legs buckled under me. I tried not to show it too much, but he realised - so according to posters on this thread I will have forever alienated him (however he seems not to have born me too greater resentment).

Six months after this I had an operation which revealed breast cancer which had spread to my pelvis - I hadn't been feeling well for ages which I thought at the time may have partly accounted for my deep gloom at my ds's results.

Anyway, I was still so upset about the A levels that I was sorely tempted not to opt for any treatment and let nature take its course, but that would have been too cruel to my 15 year old dd.
Several years have passed now and I still feel a stab of sadness, "sharper than a serpent's tooth" when I hear of my friends' children getting top marks and going to their first choice unis.
I wonder if I will ever get over it - I think probably not.

OP what do your son and daughter want to do? Neither of them are here to fulfil your dreams, just their own. You say 'sit them down and discuss' but at least one of them is an adult and can make their own choices. Both of them have many choices ahead, a degree isn't the only viable option.

Penfold
This thread was started in 2010.
The kids are now in their 20's