Disappointing AS and A level results from both DC's. How do I maintain a good relationship with them when I want to kill them?

[WhiteRosesAreNice]

Just got results for both kids and they are both dissapointing. DS cant go to uni as he only got a B,C and a U. He did not have good results last year so we had planned for him to apply this year with results and work in the meantime. So he will work and now have to do OU as that is his only hope of a degree and then pray he can go and do a masters somewhere.

DD got her AS results and they are bad.We have tried to keep telling her how she needs to work hard to make sure she is not in the same position as her brother and if anything her position is worse.

Both have been in private education and they have not performed at all. I just keep thinking that we have wasted all our money on them and should have kept it to secure our financial future rather than investing it in them. My husband will go ballistic when he finds out and I will get blame as he wanted to take them out years ago but I insisted they stayed.

I had to give up so many life chances for them and now I sit here in tears as it was all for nothing - the anger from my husband about the money we wasted, the destroyed relationship with him over this issue, the fear of facing family and friends who told us we were stupid for paying for their education and who will now laugh at us and say told you so, the knowledge that they, despite everything we tried to tell them about how important education is and the sacrifices we were making for them to ensure they had life choices, they were not prepared to work hard to get the results.

I gave up my career for them as it would have meant working full time and with my husband's demanding job it was too much for us. I could have done it with more support but that was not forthcoming so something had to give. At the time I thought it was the right thing but now realise it was not.Now it is too late to get back to where I was and move forward.

So what do I do? I have nothing else to say to them and everytime I look at them I know I will be disappointed and to be honest angry and will find it hard not to let that show.

How do I ensure I dont say anything to totally destroy the relationship when I really just want to kill them and feel that they dont respect me, or my husband as they know how important this was to us.

I know they are good kids and I dont have the worries about them that many paprents have and they will come good in the end, I hope, but what do I do in the meantime to get us through this time. I have no-one in real life so would really welcome any advice. I have a crap relationship with my parents, another thread entirely,and had always hoped my relationship with my kids would be different.

I think you need to go and re think what your aspirations are for your children and what you were trying to give them

I pay for my DCs education too. But i am paying through my own choice and to give them the education I would wish them to have.
What they then do with that is their choice.
Their futures are their choice.
DS1 is hugely academic but even so we still ask him what his choices are at each stage. To tell him what to do would be counter productive and selfish IMHO. We haven't visited unis with him, he has chosen his own courses and options ever since he chose his own GCSE options. He just got his AS levels and will now chose whether to do all 4 at A level. HIS CHOICE!

I have to say I find it hard to understand how anyone can not have seen a U coming. Which suggests that your Dcs are not interested, not invested in the subjects they are studying.
Why is a degree the only 'right' way . Is it what they want or what you want?

I can totally understand why you are upset and I sympathise. But I think this must now make you re evaluate how you see the 'gifts' you are giving your children.

An academic education is not the only route to success and happiness. You need to start supporting and guiding your children ratherthan mapping out their lives for them.
It feels hard when you start but it is a gift. Trust me

so many of my friends had fallings out with their parents at that point - A level results days - the consequences of which meant bad relationships to date (they are in their 30's) -that i really think you need to get yours (and as much as itis in your power, your husband) feelings in check. This is the time to be th parent that loves them anyway, not the one that pushes them away.

There are so many options other than university that are still hugely worthwhile (year working abroad?) but it is of course up to them to decide what to do - parental help only goes so far, parental guidance at this point is perhaps less necessary than just showing that you are still proud of them.

In fact, I think pushing them in any particular direction now is a bad idea. they need to find what they want to do, then, perhaps, they won't be lacking the motivation required to do it.

Very confusing attitude OP

I agree with Strawberry. Your son's education has NOT been a waste because of bad grades. He will have picked up on a lot of positive things that the privilige of a private education brings and he will utilise them in a work environment.

Really confused as to why are you even thinking about a masters already for someone who has struggled academically

Have you asked him how he feels about starting work? Why struggle on with the academic subjects when he may excel in the real world?

Are you sure a B and a C are beyond University? Or resitting next year? I doubt OU is the only option.
Sympathise with your upset but you may find if you talk to UCAS that it's not as bad as it seems?

Perhaps think of another avenue aside from Uni, or do they really want to go, know what they want from it and where they'll go next?

University is an academic pursuit that requires commitment.

I have lots of sympathy for the difficult position you are in. You are obviously very unhappy and upset.

However, there comes a point when you are no longer in control of your children's lives. You can offer advice, which they may or may not take, but they will make their own decisions.

The age at which this happens varies but I suggest that it is happening to you now. You want them to work hard and gain academic qualifications, but this has not happened.

Your children will 'move forward with their educational/work lives' however they want. I hope you are a big part of the decisions they make, but it will be their decisions and not yours.

It's a very difficult time for parents, learning to let go. I hope you can get some help and support to work things out.

pagwatch - you have it in a nutshell.

OP I am a solicitor and I didn't even do a levels. I had to leave after starting them because I was admitted to hospital for a long time. I went on to do a degree without A levels (there are many access routes, you can also do first years on some courses without a levels if you pass entrace exams) and I am in a better position and more highly qualified now than many of my peers who did their A levels and went to university the conventional way. There are all sorts of foundation degrees, access courses, vocational training programs. A 'B' and 'C' aren't too bad, my friend got BCC and went to kings and got a first class degree.
Explore the options- there are so many.
You haven't wasted your money you have given them an excellent education and they will be grateful one day.

If your DS really wants to go to university consider either a retake of the U graded subject or going for a foundation degree/foundation year. Lots of universities offer these and if your DS is interested in the subject he proposes to take and is prepared to put some work in he can get a perfectly respectable degree by this route.
You need to talk to your children - not now, but in the near future - asking them what their aspirations are and how they intend to achieve them. Sounds like you need to engage your DH too, they are his children as much as yours.
Today is a very hard day when you have a child who has not got a string of As or has failed to get the university place that they want but it is by no means the end of the world.

Can I ask..What degree was your DS aiming for . And what career did you think that would lead him too.

I should add .... My DH has a mother who regularly explained to him the sacrifices she made , how he damaged her career and her chances in life.
He is just speaking to her now after 8 years. She has never seen our daughter.

You did nothing for them unless they asked you.The school you sentthem to was your choice. They are not responsible for that. If you blame them for the choices that you , and you alone made, they wil resent it because it is completely unreasonable.

sorry.
That sounds a bit aggressive. I am only emphatic about this because I have seen iot from the other side with my DH IYSWIM.
Not trying to make you feel worse OP

Also I think you need to accept who they are, which might not be University material. Even if they are it wouldn't hurt to work for a year or two. I spent many Uni years with people who just went because they were expected to.

If he got that at a private school just imagine what he would have got at a state school[shock.

sorry . Me again

did the 'U' course have no course work?

Children will always disappoint their parents one way or another - it's part of the job description!

I got excellent A levels (my parents were amazed) but then dropped out of uni. Although I am now, 30 years later, doing a PhD. My brother scraped into uni but failed his first year exams and got an HND instead, he has always been employed and, I think, is very happy with his life.

My son has just got his AS results which were disappointing, but I had geared myself up to expect it (still had a bad dream about it all last night though). I just think as long as he's not taking drugs, drinking too much or getting anyone pregnant it'll be ok.

A B and a C are not bad - my son got these this morning; the only difference is he got an E as his last grade, not a U. He has got into his second choice (actually turning into his first choice) location. His E was in a subject he really regrets taking and which was taught appallingly. He didn't listen to our advice at the time choosing his A levels subjects, but he is lucky to have scraped by (though we are very pleased with the B and C). Perhaps there is a way he could take an A level he does get on with, this coming year, and try for any part-time jobs in the meantime.

Your child doing AS levels should have had a realy shock, I imagine, and be disappointed too. What's important is that the school enter them for re-takes this January. The subject my son got an E in this time, he did the same for AS level last year but the tutors didn't even bother to ask him if he wanted to re-take. He did re-takes in his other two subjects, to up his grades, to help this year.

It's not the end of the world for either of your children, though it is disappointing for you and them. Discussions all together as to the future and options. Your son might not be clear about what he wants to do yet - but he needs to be encouraged to feel positive about the good results he got, and helped to find out how to manage the U grade with other options.

I wish you all the very best.

Are the results way below what they were predicted? If so then I would discuss options, appeal or otherwise, with the school. If they were expected but you are disappointed that the results weren't better then you need to re-evaluate your expectations.

I pay for ds to be privately educated. My choice and my choice alone (no dh or anyone else to discuss with). I do it because I want him to have the best start in life he can. Whatever he does with that he will have my support as best as I am able. Same as my (completely uneducated left school at 14) parents did for me.

Pag, I got a U in chemistry, despite the coursework. & despite writing a couple of formulae on the back of my calculator

I would reconsider OU, If your son has not applied himself at the all singing all dancing private school you have paid so much for then I think he will have a real problem self motivating for OU. My boss is currently studying this way and despite having a good degree and masters already she finds it a real struggle-OU degree is also in a subject she is really really into.Yet still she has big probs with time management and motivation.

What does your son want to do? maybe he will be ready for uni in a few years, but maybe not. A year or two stacking shelves in a supermarket and paying for his keep at home may go some way to showing him the benefit of a good education and remotivate him for learning!There is a strange entitlement thing in this country now though that everyone should go to uni, why?

When I was younger what I was working towards at school was too abstract a concept for me to focus on, it's hard for it not to be when Mummy and Daddy provide completely. Now in my late twenties with a child and another on the way I am due to graduate with a first (fingers crossed, touch wood!) and excellant work experience, meaning that if I do a Phd I will not be too far behind those that did it straight from school and have yet to even start a family.

Education is about more than passing exams. It is never a waste.

respect - you should at least have got some marks for forethought.

My point is that at Ds1s school we get termly updates re his work including assessments of course work to date.
Now I know all schools are different but OP is stressingthat this private school has cost her so much. Why have they not been keeping her informed. Indeed DS1 would have been chucked off any course where he was expected to get lower than a B

I am just curious.

We send out reports half termly, and the only surprises that students on my AS and A2 courses (and their parents) got today were nice ones. But I suppose that even with all the info, people hope they will pull it out of the bag at the last minute.

I thought that, but then wasn't quite sure how to go about demanding those marks

I don't have much of use to say to the OP, but all is not lost with DD's results. At AS, I got:

CCCEU (the U was in chemistry, yet one of the Cs was in a subject I was mistakenly entered for & did no preparation for at all )

After a year of reasonably hard work (I didn't put myself out a massive amount, to be honest, but I actually did most of the work, & mostly on time, too ), I ended up with AABB. One of those As was a subject I'd not done at AS, but picked up & completed in a year. It's also what I'm now studying at a good university - my first choice.

Things always work out in the end.

First of all I'd like to say that you did the right thing by airing your thoughts to MN! As you can see from the other posts many question your upset based on your own life choices. I think you should see this as a great opportunity for yourself. Your youngest only has a year left in school and your eldest is done. Your 'responsibilty' and hands-on parenting is therefore done. Your role to them now should be help and support when they ask you. So that leaves lots of time for you. What do YOU want to do? Would you like to go to university? Would you like to get back into a career? You can reinvent yourself you know. Sounds like you've got time and after next year 20000 plus too as your no longer paying their school fees. Use it wisely. Get you DH onboard and make a plan for doing something just the two of you, plan your life together when the children have left the nest. What do YOU TWO want to do. When you have the solutions to your own issues you will see that you stop living through your children and you'll all be must happier.

On a seperate note. I had a troubled childhood and schooling. I was smart academically I guess but never had much time for school, was quite often truant etc. However, I went back and did my A levels later and went to university and did a BSc and an MSc, then got a job for a few years and then decided to go back to uni for a PhD. My father needless to say is speachless... If anyone had asked him on "A level results day" what I was going to make of my life he would have probably said "tesco shelves stacker" (no offense to those who do this job!). There are always exceptions to rules and you don't know what rules your children will break (in a good way). Have faith.

What a very sad post, especially from your children's perspective. You sound incredibly resentful of them, and all because their exam results were not better.

It is not their fault that you have given up your career - it was your decision to have children, and your decision to pay for their education, and your decision to give up your career. You have put a lot of pressure on their shoulders and I'm sure they feel that you are disappointed in them.

Tell them Well Done. You son has got two good A-level grades. Tell them you are proud of them for being good kids. Not everyone is academic and you need to accept your children for who they are otherwise you will continue to be bitter and resentful towards them.

It is not an A,B,C as 3 posters have stated but B,C,U