Worried about teen DD. Will Beat help?

[Weightlossworried]

I'm becoming worried about my 15 yo. She's always been slim with a small appetite but lately she seems to have lost weight and is eating even less.
She denies any issues around food/body image when I've gently raised it. She hates school and for a long time has refused breakfast or to eat much or anything while there saying she feels too sick and anxious. She used to make up for it at home but doesn't really any more. She does always eat dinner and enjoys helping make it too.
I have no idea how much she weighs as we don't have scales and I don't think it would be helpful to weigh her but she is visibly thinner I believe, although she denies it.
I am pretty scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and making it worse. Can Beat offer help with this to parents? Thanks

There is also a scary amount of ED coaches and health professionals who unfortunately also have food related issues and a fear of weight gain.

@JuliettaCaeserexactly proves my point! When the brain loses its fatty protective coating (which happens very quickly when teens lose weight) it creates all sorts of issues. Once the brain recovers most teens just think bloody hell what was I thinking and get on with their lives.

That is text book what happened to us.

Dd had a mild stomach bug that we’ve all had and said she didn’t feel like eating dinner so we said nope we don’t skip meals in this house so she came downstairs ate without complaint and went back to bed. Such a relief to be back to normal. This time last year she was nearly hospitalised.

How are you doing @Weightlossworried? xx

We're ok, thanks for asking! Not quite where we should be with the nutritional plan but she's definitely having a bit more than before. We've got her having fruit juice a couple of times a day and a couple of desserts (on top of the 3 meals and snacks) so that's progress. I'm hoping we can build on it. I'm finding it I shoot for the stars we don't quite make it but she definitely ends up eating a bit more.

She went out with friends today for the first time in ages. Just to the cinema. She got herself in a tizzy about it as there was a lot of talk about snacks and going for food after but she managed it and (claims) to have eaten some popcorn. I think it was good for her.

Just debating what to do about Easter now. I'd bought her eggs before this all blew up and she's already mentioned she's stressed about it. I've told her she can just eat the eggs as part of her nutritional plan as her snacks and dessert. It feels like the right thing to do is give her the usual amount and reassure her. Part of me is wondering whether to just not give chocolate this year though. Any advice appreciated!

That all sounds promising. As for the chocolate, I would absolutely give what you usually do and if needed, break it down for meals.

Maybe just tell her you’ve got the eggs now and she’s free to take some whenever she wants. And if she prefers, you’ll add them to her meal plan when the time comes. But she doesn’t need to concern herself with this, it will all be fine.

Thanks, sounds like my instincts were ok then. That's pretty much what I told her. Such a topsy turvy world to be in where your kid is worried about too much chocolate.

@Weightlossworried I agree, you think you will be saying they’ve had enough chocolate for one day and chance some more tomorrow, not wondering whether to buy them Easter chocolate.

FWIW I think you’re right to do what you think.

I’m glad things are going ok. How are you? Xx

I always bought dd Easter chocolate but then gave it to her as ‘pudding’ or a snack. Not buying it is enabling the ED and strengths the wrong beliefs around chocolate being bad. Chocolate is medicine for her now.

I took the same approach at Christmas.

I'm ok @Pearl97. Thanks for asking! Bit drained by it all. The meal and snack schedule feels relentless. I don't feel as terrified and despairing as I did the first week or so.

Thanks @Girliefriendlikespuppies that was my line of thinking too. I'm buying into it by taking the chocolate away. I am going to need to replace the mini eggs I keep stress eating though!

Do you work @Weightlossworried? I needed two lots of extended sick leave to sort dd out in the beginning (once at the start and again when she relapsed after someone at CAMHs told her her weight 🙄) You can ask your GP to sign you off with stress.

It sounds like you’re doing really well but it is exhausting and all consuming caring for a child with an ED.

I do but in a very flexible WFH job. Boss is great and happy for me to do what I need to in terms of breaks to supervise meals and appointments. DH is luckily in the same position work wise.

We're managing between us so far. I'm finding keeping busy helps me the most at the moment. It's when I'm alone with my thoughts I start ruminating and worrying.

Hi @Weightlossworried glad to hear things are going well for you. Good question about Easter eggs. I’m not sure my dd will eat one but now I’m going to get one anyway to continue with the theme of ‘normal’.

I rang camhs on Friday to ask about exercise as I was worried. I said to her that If dd is told to stop by them she will stop. But the lady said they aim to ‘reduce’ first to gain trust. She’s reduced from 6x a week to twice. So they were happy with that. We’re going on holiday tomorrow which has been booked for a year. It’s half board catering. Dd is actually looking forward to it. I think maybe the not knowing labels and calories will actually bring a bit of freedom. She is exhausted by it all. It’s such slow progress.

Do you think it’s ok to use protein bars as some snacks? And those milk drinks?

The protein bars is a difficult one. My DD seems to prefer them over a chocolate bar. They have the same amount of calories in them (more actually) so I'm going with it in the interest of just getting the food in. I'm wary though. I don't want her avoiding any food so I'm still making sure there's food that might be scary for her included in her meals and snacks - biscuits, cakes etc.

Officially I shouldn't be letting her have any choice and whilst I'm restricting her choices hugely, I'm having more success with getting her to eat when I allow a limited amount of choice.

It's all very difficult isn't it? Enjoy your break, maybe your DD will rest a bit there?

Thank you. Yes I think you’re right about the calories. And small steps to start with.( I’ve just realised I’m using a different google account at home so my username has changed but I’m the same person as baderror404 😂 ). I am worried about holiday as dd will wear a bikini and I get so sad when I see her like that. I am so determined to get her better. She promised to eat hotel scrambled eggs every day for breakfast at least.

Hi @Raspberrysins
You’d be better to go onto the main thread. You’ll get advice from people with years of experience of dealing with ED, including some with dc’s who’ve completely recovered.

In answer to you question about protein bars, much as energy dense, high carb foods are good for immediate weight gain, your dd still needs good fats, protein and a rainbow of fruits and vegetables as well as some fibre. Ie a balanced diet as she recovers and in that, a decent amount of protein to rebuild muscle and regain any bone density loss. So the protein bars sound reasonable to me as long as you’re either choosing the more substantial bars or getting her to eat something else alongside that. As for the milk drinks, if she can’t manage a physical snack, drinks with full fat milk are good alternative and maybe you can get her to eat a little bit alongside as well - small steps if not. The message needs to get to her body that she has 3 meals and 3 snacks, eating every 2/3 hours to keep her blood sugars up.

How are you doing @Weightlossworried have you been to have lunch with the ED team? We’re here to chat as I know it can get harder as the help starts or doesn’t! Xx

Thank you for asking, you are such a supportive presence on this board. I really appreciate it.

We had our observed meal yesterday which was as awkward as we thought it would be. They made some observations and suggestions which were helpful.
I feel a bit deflated about the meal plan though. I thought it was good we'd made some progress but they said she needs to eat everything and incremental progress isn't good as it means she's constantly having to readjust.

I've followed their advice and pushed a bit harder to get her to eat everything and it's made her worse if anything. Today has been very up and down. She steadfastly refused part of breakfast. Stormed off at snack and lunch. Although then did ask for something different at lunch and ate that. She refused dessert at dinner. Although she did eat a bit more at her last snack.
I'm exhausted. My DH wasn't around today and it feels like I barely had a chance to work in between meals and snacks.

I really don't know how we're supposed to get her to eat more. I guess we just keep offering the food and at some point she'll start eating it.

We're back at CAHMs tomorrow for a weigh in so I'm expecting another bad day.

Everything crossed for tomorrows weigh in. I know how overhemlonibgbit all gets and how food just feels like all you think about.

I hope once tomorrow is over they can give you a plan of how they can support you. You need them to be the ones making her eat everything etc. I hope they are helpful tomorrow. I will be thinking of you. The feeling of doom does go I promise xx

I feel exhausted just reading about your day. You must be so tired. I don't have any answers but my thoughts are with you and your daughter.

I'm sorry it's such a struggle @Weightlossworried

You're in my thoughts.

@Weightlossworriedpush back is normal, there’s a saying in the ED community ‘you have to see the beast to slay it’ and when she is kicking or storming off you are seeing the ED beast.

Stay calm but persistent, do not offer alternatives, she has to eat what you give her.

Have stock phrases on repeat such ‘this is what you need to eat to be well’ ‘this is the right amount’ ‘I’m sorry this is hard for you but you have to eat this’

Distraction is also helpful, so the minute she starts eating talk about anything other than food! Keep her mind off the food she’s eating so have the telly on, watch silly videos, talk nonsense etc.

Seriously think about getting signed off work, ime trying to work at this stage is not realistic as all your time and energy needs to be on getting your dd well and keep the food going in. Apart from anything else you just won’t have the headspace for work.

Thanks all. I feel a little bit better this morning after a good night's sleep. My son is back from uni and not in a good place so that was pushing me over the edge yesterday. A tale for a different thread but I was just completely overwhelmed with the pair of them yesterday.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies funnily enough I thought yesterday it was like performing an exorcism. It's like in films where the priest gets close to the possessed person with a cross and they start going nuts.

I do try the distraction and the stock phrases but nothing was working yesterday. I'll stay the course though and hopefully see some progress at some point.

We have a family holiday booked for June. We were discussing cancelling it last night. I think she'd be absolutely distraught if we did though - not so much because of missing out on the holiday but because she'd feel responsible for everyone else missing out. We've given ourselves til the end of the month to decide.

I would park the holiday for now. It’s lovely to have something to look forward to. You deserve a break!

I am so sorry about your son. These things always seem to come together to try and kick us while we’re down!

Really hope today goes well, we will all be thinking of you xx

We have a 700 gram gain/restoration! That's in 9 days so just about acceptable as they're aiming for 500g - 1kg a week.

I'm delighted. I felt so deflated on Tuesday but we obviously have made some progress

DD is clearly not happy at all. I'm expecting a bad day but hoping it'll just be one bad day and we can move forwards tomorrow. Giving her a bit of space before I attempt lunch.

I’m so pleased. Did they tell your daughter her weight gain?

I hope you have a plan. I’m really pleased your hard work is paying off xx