Young man with height dysmorphia - any experiences?

[thaneofglamour]

I put this in the ED part of MN in the hope that this might resonate with someone's experiences as it seems to have a similar profile of behaviours.

I am not sure what to do with DS (23 , lives at home). There are all sorts of issues around confidence, anxiety, holding down jobs, relationships with DH - all sorts. Aged 12 he did have some work from CAMHS and then CHUMS re eating issues, anxiety and school refusal.

Now 11 years on he has told me (via email- he won't let me talk to him) that he is totally obsessed with his height (tis was a thing when he was a small 12 year old too) to the detriment of his mental health (already not good). He is above average height so it is irrational. He says he compares himself to everyone (I know he keeps saying how tall everyone in the gym is and now he won't go). He said when he sees very tall women he feels especially bad about himself . I know this makes no sense because the chances of him actually seeing a woman taller than him are very low.

There are all sorts of family and job situations that exacerbate all of his anxieties. He eats badly but at the moment he is eating normally for him. He can't seem to tolerate the sound of otehr people eating though which is a bit of a red flag.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? Google tells me this is height dysmorphia and part of BDD, possibly linked to ADH/OCD or even autism. The only past diagnosis he has had was for GAD 11 years back. I have probably missed lots of info out!

How tall is he?

5ft 11. Perfectly normal male height. Same height as DH and DS2.

Blimey, that is really strange then.
Could you afford to pay for an initial consultation with a private psychiatrist so that you could get guidance on the best way to support him?

I'd have to leave that up to him as he doesn't want my input, other than for me to know. At the moment he has a GP appointment booked at least.

Is he reading a lot of incel type stuff online? They're obsessed with being 6 foot. If he is he needs to work on not reading it or going down that rabbit hole. can he pay for counciling?

I wonder if he's been seeing nonsense 'manosphere' content about how all women want 6ft+ but of course if you see that wall to wall it'll have an effect.

Glad he's seeing gp, sounds like he needs an overall treatment of his mental health too stop fixating on this.

I realise this is flippant and not necessarily helpful but don’t all men lie about their height anyway? DH is 5ft 11 but he told me for years he was 6ft until we got measured together at the gym. Not sure why he thought I would care tbh.

This does sound mental illness related. All the diagnoses you mention are 'anxiety disorders' so it matters less exactly what subset and more that an SSRI and CBT will probably help.

That’s a positive step then OP. I hope the GP doesn’t dismiss or downplay his issues though as the NHS MH services are so stretched.

I suspect you are right and some of this comes from online , although he has struggled since he was about 12 with height issues. I suspect online stuff has maybe magnified it. He is a bit of a misanthrope so I wouldn't be surprised . He has never had a girlfriend to my knowledge so I can see him being sucked in by incel stuff.

He is definitely 5 ft 11. He measures himself! I think the people in the gym are very muscly so he sees this as height.

I'm only 5ft 3 so he's huge to me.

It's some sort of body dysmorphia. The problem with this particular one is there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. Unless you can go to America and spend a million quid on leg lengthening procedures that leave you incapacitated for over a year. And would only add an inch. I hope he can get some private psychiatric assessment and then appropriate therapy or medication. The NHS has very little funding for MH and if you can afford it I'd definitely do so. I hope things improve for him and you x

There's a lot of things online about women not considering dating a man under 6ft. I see it all the time. Does he spend a lot of time on social media? It could be chipping at his confidence.
I think a lot of men are a little self conscious about their height. I know a lot of them add a couple of inches on. Obviously your sons case is a lot more severe though and he needs help.

I would have thought the majority of men were under 6ft though

Yes I agree. It's more of younger generation thing emphasising the importance of having a man who's 6ft on Twitter/ X , instagram, etc. I thought he may have seen it on there.

Never had a girlfriend?

Obsessed over his height?

Large amounts of time in the gym?

Possible ADHD?

Possible Autism?

Insular outlook on life?

Difficult relationship with father?

Overly influenced by the on-line world?

WELL THAT COVERS ALMOST ALL OF THE TALKING POINTS DISCUSSED ON MY "INCEL" TRAINING COURSE I WAS ON LAST TERM.

How would you describe his attitude to women??

Ever heard him say "Sigma", "land-whale" or "roasties?"
Does he talk about "Chad's" and "Stacy's?"

No. He is not an incel!

He doesn't spend any time in the gym. He won't go because they're too tall.

There is that annoying Tok Tok song about a banker, blue eyes, 6 5. Fuck off.

Yet... He's not an Incel YET.

Well done for asking for help. Sounds like you have already recognised some Red Flags.

Good luck.

He's definitely too self aware to be an incel and he isn't online all that much. I do watch his views but he thinks Andrew Tate is ridiculous and 23 year olds laugh at sigma.

My DS had a similar obsession, only his was genuine - he really is very short for a man. But I just kept showing him evidence of short men, in all walks of life, famous and unknown, happily married or dating or successful at work, as actors, politicians, comedians, musicians, in business etc etc. He's now dating a girl who is six inches taller than him. When he stopped caring, the problem vanished.

In his situation I'd ask him if he woud prefer to have a different attitude about his height or whether he wants to keep believing this is an issue. When he is ready to explore having a different attitude, point out who is the same height as him, starting with father and brother. Go for a walk to a busy place and point out short and average height men in relationships with women, going about their work. Ask what qualities he most admires in a man and then find men who fit that example who are his height or shorter.

Try to get him to widen his scope on what matters - being engaged in interesting work or hobbies, getting fit and achieving personal bests, taking healthy risks to expand your social circle or your skills, being resilient in the face of rejection (in romance or work or any other sphere) in order to make progress - all these things help build mental and physical resilience and endurance needed to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Because DS went through a phase of being so worried his height would hold him back, I can't help noticing short men who seem to be thriving. There seem to be more short men around than there used to be, especially in London. On the tube I see loads of men under 5'6 - with girlfriends or kids, or dressed up for a night out. I know I am biased to spot the happy confident looking ones but there are a lot of them about.

5'11 is very tall by many standards and in no way would hold him back. But his negative mindset will. Luckily he can change that whereas there is nothing he can do about his height.

This is totally body dysmorphia and nothing to do with actual height. He needs counselling and psychiatric support - NHS recommends CBT and SSRIs.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/body-dysmorphia/

There are also BDD support groups. https://bddfoundation.org/support/support-groups-in-the-uk/ and support through https://giveusashout.org/

It might help you to connect with other parents in this situation - and talk to your GP too. Thinking of you all going through this journey.

He hates his job and can't get a proper job so there are other issues - he is doing really well at this one because he actually does go but it's just temp work in a shop. I think if it weren't for height he'd hang it all on something else. He has along track record of under achievement and lack of drive.

He doesn't want me to talk to him. He asked for help in how to book a GP appointment and that's as far as he will let me interfere for now. He does know he is not short but it's like telling an anorexic they aren't fat.

Thank you for this. I think he needs meds and I think he was once given a prescription that he did nothing with. I know people can be averse.

I have forwarded those links to DS by the way, so thank you.