Adults - forgiving your parents

[Unsureaboutforgiving]

Before I start, I just want to say I don't believe my parents were the sole (or even partial) cause of my ED.

I had a very severe ED - anorexia, becoming bulimia - for well over a decade, starting at around 15 and culminating in adult treatment at the Maudsley. It completely ruined my teens and my twenties, despite being a high achiever on the surface. (Think finishing uni and holding down a job whilst vomiting 12 times per day and thinking about nothing but food etc.). I was suicidal multiple times in my twenties and still have precarious mental health (well hidden). I never blamed my parents, in fact I stopped telling them anything after the incidents detailed below but now I have my own children, I cant get over their actions towards me.

• never took me to seek help from a doctor aged 15, despite becoming aware that I definitely had an ED and being approached multiple times by concerned third parties asking if I was OK.
• I tried to ask them for help when I was really struggling again at uni with bulimia. They made some sympathetic noises but did nothing.
• told then a GP had prescribed fluoextine (as a treatment for bulimia) whilst at uni. They said it was ridiculous and they didn't see someone who was depressed.
• knew I was going into treatment at the Maudsley but there was seemingly no recognition that I had continued to suffer deeply for over a decade.
• told them about the debt I got myself into buying food to binge on. No reaction (I was 18).

I'm really struggling to get over this apparent lack of care now I have my own children. My parents think I'm high achieving and they've done 'well'. I can barely bring myself to be around them right now. I feel so sad for how alone I was during that awful time. Does anyone have any similar experiences or can offer a different perspective- maybe I was expecting too much?

Potentially parent reaction to your mental health is driven by their class,culture, denial and their personality. Unfortunately it is common to take a no fuss,minimal intervention to mental health. They not equipped with the coping strategies to fully empathise or be practical. Also in fairness they may have internalised their own guilt,shame and subdued reactions

You’ve made a huge achievement and I would suggest you don't need to forgive them, you need to focus on maintaining your own recovery

You don't say how old they are, but I think its usually that "baby boomer" generation who are very "stiff upper lip" about everything. They just sweep things like that under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist. Well, that what my parents of that generation are like anyway.

Yes I totally recognise the need for context/their generation etc. But the thing I'm really struggling with is just how callous it all seems. I would move heaven and earth to help if it were my DC. I would take action, instead of bleating about being worried and then doing nothing. And the fact that they are operating under the delusion that I made it through unscathed is really difficult for me. Its like they actually have no knowledge of what my adult life has been, but they think they do.

They're in their 60s. Professional, middle class.

As much as every generation feels that their parents failed them in some way . I think it's wrong to think that most parents are equipped with the mental health skills of a phycologist and know exactly what to do in every situation . My mum did the best she could and I never judged her. I have done the very best I could , but my daughter is sure as hell judging me . It's seems to be acceptable to blame parents for every problem someone has gone through . It's terrible to go through an ED I know personally . But as a parent I don't find it any easier to be emotionally harmed and hurt by my daughter blaming me for everything that is wrong in her life . Please try to remember that your parents are people as well as parents and have flaws just the same as you .

I understand this - I too have found that having my own children has made me realise quite how unforgivable my parents' behaviour towards me was. I also find it difficult to be around them. I would find cutting them off completely very stressful indeed because of the upset and difficulty it would cause with my siblings, so I just keep things to a minimum. My 'aversion' to my parents, if you want to call it that, has got stronger the older I have become. They too think my siblings and I "turned out ok". Actually, one or two of us have only got this far - and that's not far at all - thanks to our own uncommon grace.

I am sorry OP that you too have parents of this ilk. To use a well-worn phrase - "it's not you, it's them".

Hugs.

@Wiccan yes I recognise that and absolutely have subscribed to that view until I had my own children. I've shielded my parents from everything associated with my ED. Now I look back and think no, you should have supported me (or tried) when I asked you, particularly when I was a child of 15/16. I have never asked them for anything since and wouldn't rely on them in any context.

Thanks @RoseThornside . 'Aversion' is the right word. Since the birth of DC1, I realised that I viscerally didn't trust them and didn't want them to do childcare. I still can't get to the root of precisely why that is but it is a strong feeling.

My history with ED is different to yours but I recognise a lot of what you say. I think if my parents (and my DM in particular) had behaved differently when I was younger, I would have been less likely to have developed an ED. Even when they've known about my ED, they've never seem particularly bothered or interested or very supportive really. It's fine because I have a supportive husband and a therapist and I have made my peace with it. But yeah, things could have been very different. I just have to try and look forward and focus on how I raise my DS.

I'm trying to think of reasons they didn't help you. Do you think they were in denial? Or thought if they ignored it, it would go away? Or perhaps just didn't know how to help, so just pretended it didn't happen? I know this is terrible, but I know some people back then would see controlling your eating and being skinny as a good thing.

@ladycardamom yes that's quite true. My parents would arbitrarily tell me I look 'healthy' which means 'acceptable weight, must be ok'. They have always commented on my appearance, whatever my age.

My parents have let me down in many ways over many years. Some of those ways really harmed me, and led to me living in poverty, or led to me being suicidal. The details don't matter, but to this day, every contact I have with them is harmful.

I have managed what is probably forgiveness, by accepting that they do not have what I needed as a child and they certainly do not have what I need from them now. They couldn't give me what they do not have (compassion, understanding, support). I can't forgive something which is still in progress, so cutting contact with them was the only way. Every time I have tried to discuss the problems with my upbringing with them (either physical abuse or neglect and disinterest) this has been treated as a personal attack and they have become aggressive/hysterical.

The combination of time and a lack of contact has given me some sort of peace. There will never be a happy ending that involves both me and them, but that's quite freeing for me, because I don't need to be continually torturing myself about how I can be good enough and how I can achieve a normal, loving relationship with them.

your parents may not ever recognise the impact of the ED upon you and may feel it’s resolved. Experientially they are the observer and that’s not the same as being the patient. They may judge your recovery by external cues
job✅
academic achievement✅
Solvent✅

I don’t think you’ll fundamentally change or shift their opinion and understanding of the ED impact upon you. Potentially family therapy can help if family participants are receptive and open to processing new and uncomfortable disclosure. Doesn’t seem this is case for your parents. Unfortunately it’s unlikely they meet your desire for a full reflection and acknowledgement of the ED. It simply may not be possible for them. Therein lies your problem. Your seeking to elicit a response they cannot or will not give you

I have worked in ED and it’s a really challenging specialty,often very misunderstood. The mortality rate is shockingly high. The trauma impacts the whole family and patient for years afterward.

Yes, all very true, I'm sure. I suppose the question is how to muddle on through when I'm feeling so much anger and resentment towards them (this is after years where I protected them and would have defended them to the hilt).

Your parents obviously didn't know how to handle your situation so they did nothing, perhaps they didn't appreciate just how serious it was if they'd never encountered anything like that before? No one is born knowing how to be a good parent, everyone just does their best in the circumstances. Perhaps how their own parents behaved towards them affected how they behaved towards you. And some people don't have emotional intelligence.
It's always easy to look back and judge with hindsight. There might be problems that your kids will encounter in their life that you aren't equipped to help with, and you'll do anything for them and do your best, but when they look back decades afterwards they will see it differently because they will be wiser adults looking back on their younger selves, just as you are now.
That's not to minimise your experience, it sounds awful and you sound as though you have coped well under the circumstances.
My own relationship with my parents improved a lot when I learned to accept them as who they are as people, rather than being resentful for not being the type of parents that I wanted.

You prioritise your own needs, you initiate your own recovery & needs. You can’t fix your parents
Have you considered IAPT or CBT? GP can refer you

I think their approach would have been more acceptable if they were in their 80s or 90s now, but at 60 there has been plenty of information around had they been concerned.

Children who grew up in the 80s and 90s were the first to be exposed to the "morality" of food and diet. There is quite a bit of literature around it, which I have on my work email ( I don't have access at the moment). I think being thin and controlled eating was marketed as being morally superior then, I don't think you'll get them to recognise it or apologise.

That’s too simplistic. Clinical Information in itself doesn’t promote good family dynamics. Their parental response is based on who they are, not necessary the information they were given. Give 3 different people a leaflet,the same information and the 3 people will process and react different to the information

I appreciate all the responses and recognise where they are coming from. But I really struggle to see how a cultural context can override a direct request for assistance or seeing your child so obviously suffering?

Completely agree , every generation is going to see it differently and I think parents of young children now need to brace themselves for the opinion their kids will have about them in the future. They will probably be quite surprised . I know I was as shocked to shit to be told doing my best as a parent wasn't good enough !

I think the way forward is this.
It seems like the birth of your own children was the catalyst to your feelings about how they handled a difficult situation.
As you believe you are doing your best now with your kids, they too thought they were with you.
You too, especially in the future when your children are in their teens, may miss something big, mistaking it for something small, or paradoxically, nowadays you may be more likely to make something big out of something small by launching quickly into a full blown intervention. (Think trans issue)
Unless there is evidence of deliberate harm, don't blame your parents of simply not noticing and acting on things, especially if the issues weren't as mainstream as they are today.
As an aside, 20+my parents took my 15 sister to the gp because of an ED, and were told there wasn't help available for anyone her age.

I feel the same way about my parents and they did get me help, for a while. I was marched to doctors and told I would be force-fed if I didn't eat enough. I was put on anti-depressants at the age of 14. Whatever my mother wanted them to threaten or drug me with they did. Nobody ever wondered whether it might be her that was the issue, even me, I always thought I was the problem until my children got to their teens... My mother still blames all the doctors for not fixing me. Everything else she just says never happened and she did such a good job over the years convincing everyone that I was awful that everyone still believes her.

20+ years ago

if directly asked your probably think they met your needs,that’s the issue. You’re unsatisfied with their response. They probably think on balance that they did their best
What do you want to happen?How would you like this to resolve? What if they cannot or will not see your pov
You've already said the relationship is strained and you don’t want to have a great deal to do with them

Fundamentally you cannot elicit a response or contrition they don’t want or cannot give to you . Prioritise your recovery not the what’s ifs and whys of your parents