Adults - forgiving your parents

[Unsureaboutforgiving]

Before I start, I just want to say I don't believe my parents were the sole (or even partial) cause of my ED.

I had a very severe ED - anorexia, becoming bulimia - for well over a decade, starting at around 15 and culminating in adult treatment at the Maudsley. It completely ruined my teens and my twenties, despite being a high achiever on the surface. (Think finishing uni and holding down a job whilst vomiting 12 times per day and thinking about nothing but food etc.). I was suicidal multiple times in my twenties and still have precarious mental health (well hidden). I never blamed my parents, in fact I stopped telling them anything after the incidents detailed below but now I have my own children, I cant get over their actions towards me.

• never took me to seek help from a doctor aged 15, despite becoming aware that I definitely had an ED and being approached multiple times by concerned third parties asking if I was OK.
• I tried to ask them for help when I was really struggling again at uni with bulimia. They made some sympathetic noises but did nothing.
• told then a GP had prescribed fluoextine (as a treatment for bulimia) whilst at uni. They said it was ridiculous and they didn't see someone who was depressed.
• knew I was going into treatment at the Maudsley but there was seemingly no recognition that I had continued to suffer deeply for over a decade.
• told them about the debt I got myself into buying food to binge on. No reaction (I was 18).

I'm really struggling to get over this apparent lack of care now I have my own children. My parents think I'm high achieving and they've done 'well'. I can barely bring myself to be around them right now. I feel so sad for how alone I was during that awful time. Does anyone have any similar experiences or can offer a different perspective- maybe I was expecting too much?

It’s up to you if you wish to offer forgiveness and feel able to do so
essentially you need to prioritise yourself,your dc and your well-being
you can’t compel your parents to explain their behaviour,and you both have markedly different accounts. To each of you, your own subjective account will be the truth,will resonate. It’s possible that multiple accounts exist of the same event.

I don't necessarily disagree but I am curious to know if you think responsibility can ever be apportioned in these circumstances? Are people ever just wrong/they messed up?

It's very difficult to get my head around the fact that something which was deeply painful to me, shaped my life, shaped my actions and my self-perception wasn't necessarily 'true'. By which I mean the message that my parents didn't want to help me and didn't care about me enough to do take action, wasn't actually true at all and they were doing their best?

OP, my parents were psychological terrorists and extremely neglectful in a similar way. Because I try to be a good person I have tried for all of my 60 years to forgive them because it would be nice to have some sort of family.
However they have not changed one iota over the years. If anything they are worse.
I dont see it as my place to forgive. The fact is its beyond my ability to do so. So I've simply handed it over to the Gods and don't let it concern me.
I dont want to be around people like them so I moved a long way away and just got on with my life. I simply cannot get better mentally if they are around me.

You will only find out if you ask your parents. Then either cut contact with them or try to make a better relationship with them . What if they were just trying their best ? Is that not good enough ,do you want them punished in some way .

If we all had to go through a psycho evaluation before having kids I bet a lot of people would truly wonder if they'd actually pass.

I’m in no way disputing your account,it’s yours after all. Your parents account is their lived experience and true for them too. I’m simply saying it’s possible for all of you to hold different accounts of same event.

OP, with kindness I think you are being massively unfair.
Are you aware of the impact of having a child with an eating disorder on the whole family system? In short, it bleeds the family dry emotionally.

Have you ever considered that your illness left them mentally shriveled up, terrified, despairing, possibly suicidal? Is it possible they had other stuff going on in their lives that you were oblivious of- your siblings? jobs? their own health? their own parents?

Ten years is a long time for them too- even the three years until you were 18 will have removed ANY bandwidth for them to deal with more.

Just going on your posts I don’t think you are in a position to open up the conversation with your parents about this. You seem unprepared for the conversation to go in a direction you really don’t expect: will they get a voice, or will they just get berated about their inadequacy.

it might be a surprise, but your parents are just people with human faults and failings.
It really comes across that they can’t do right for doing wrong, and it is unclear what you actually want from them now.

OP, forgiveness is not a single act, it is a process. And the process starts with repentance.
If your parents do not even recognise their “sin”, let alone offer you a sincere apology, then they are not repentant and forgiveness is not appropriate.
I think you need to continue your own therapy- perhaps changing therapist if you feel unable to disclose fully to your current one.
Once you have worked through your anger etc, it might be useful to meet with your parents in the presence of a neutral family therapist, and discuss how you all felt at the time of your eating disorder. This will give you the opportunity to tell your parents how distressed you were by their apparent denial and coldness, and your parents the opportunity to explain what they were thinking.
This may lead to a reconciliation - but you need to face the possibility that it might not. Your parents may react with anger and denial and walk out of the discussion, creating a potential family rift.
Finally, think carefully about what outcome you are hoping for here. Do you want a reconciliation, or do you want “permission” from a therapist (or us on MN!) to break all contact with your parents? Rather like the “LTB” suggested to abused wives.
Eating disorders often involve toxic family dynamics and take a lot of unpicking. I hope you achieve whatever resolution will be best for you.

Yes but when your child directly asks you for help with a potentially life threatening illness - just how shit is excusable to ignore that request?!

It is very common in CAMHS and ED to initially have initially misgivings and decline medication or be noncompliant
Read any oncology blog or tweet, someone will recommend the power of nuts,plants and to eschew prescription medication in favour of natural remedies

In my experience, it comes down to looking at what happened in the context of the following:

1. were they doing the best they could with the resources they had at time? Resources could mean financial, emotional, situational etc.

2. do they recognise/regret the things that are bothering you?

3. are the issues still present?

I have issues with my own parents, and like many others the catalyst for really reflecting on my childhood was when I had my first child. I’ve found I’ve been able to forgive my mum (she doesn’t really recognise a lot of the issues, however she was doing the best she could at the time and the issues with her are greatly reduced) but I have cut contact with my dad (he wasn’t doing the best he could, doesn’t recognise the issues, and the issues are still very much present).

For context, I had a fairly chaotic childhood with lots of neglect. Both my parents were heroin addicts, my dad had spells in prison, there was sporadic domestic violence etc. I had totally minimised it until I had my own child, when the reality of what I experienced really hit home.

I can't answer that for OP she'll have to ask them !

https://drjonicewebb.com/about-emotional-neglect/

A lot of what you wrote resonates with me and I found this website quite helpful. I think you're getting a hard time with some of the responses here which read defensive. Hopefully you can figure out whether talking to your parents will help or whether it is better for you to reduce contact.

I know that when I am in a better place mentally, feeling more distance from past trauma, I am less triggered by resentment and anger. So I think part of the solution comes from directing energy into yourself and making your life as close as possible to what you would like it to be. That way the trauma and your family relationships become a smaller part of the picture.

I'm not the kind of person to do 'drama'

😉

OP you are allowed to feel how you feel and if you do want to blame your parents you can. It sounds like they failed you and I think the way forward for you is to accept however you feel about them and don’t listen to anyone saying you need to “not judge” your parents. You experienced their parenting and you now feel they were neglectful when it came to recognising your suffering, helping you and continue to neglect to acknowledge it. From what you’ve said, I agree with you.

No, sorry, that's not true at all. It was clear I had an eating disorder, my parents were asked about it by several people, they told me to eat more and that was it. On several occasions during the ages of 16 and 21ish, I tried to tell them what was going on and ask for support. This was ignored. I didn't bother to ask again. I continued to suffer with my ED, ostensibly hidden from the world, until I entered specialist treatment in my late 20s. This was barely acknowledged. At no point did my ED bleed my family dry - if my parents had been at all emotionally engaged with it, I would likely have no issue with them now.

I TOTALLY accept that my parents are not to blame for my ED. I also accept that their reactions to it are a product of their upbringing. I've never had any ill feeling towards them until I had my own children. I am just wanting some perspective on the active denial of support i received from them. There are clearly some very defensive parents on this thread so perhaps mumsnet was not the best place for it.

To be clear for all those suggesting I am being harsh on my parents, I'm simply trying to process how many parents ignored and minimised a mental illness which nearly killed me on several occasions and how that manifests itself in my relationships and everyday life now (never asking for help, lack of trust, protecting others from reality etc - the effects are quite profound). See this thread for an example of my need to question if what I think is valid.

Thanks for replying, and I accept what you are saying. I had one additional point which I forgot to make- is it possible one or other of your parents themselves had an ED at the same age, which is why they can’t cope?

I guess that’s the crux really, to me their actions are “Cannot Cope”, but to you they are “Don’t Care”. Do you have an aunt or someone who was an adult back then you could ask. Even older siblings?

Has anyone invalidated op feelings,of course she feels how she feels?That is a given
And her parents will have their account too. All the respective accounts are their subjective experiences
Likely both accounts will differ. There is the rub, can op tolerate that her parents don’t seem to understand the impact of the ED upon her. Going forward can she maintain contact or is it too painful.

@Unsureaboutforgiving needs to prioritise her own well-being, what she can and will tolerate. Her experiences are traumatic and a lot to process. Op Becoming a parent is a life event that will cause her to revisit her own experiences and it’s potentially painful

Regard non disclosure in therapy she may want to revisit that when ready to make disclosures

what I will say is ED has a significant impact upon the patient and their family that lasts for years. ED usually emerge in adolescence a time of emotional upheaval and shifting boundaries etc. Parents of ED will have had a really turbulent time, have had to process the physical and psychological impact of ED. Being warned about the immediate and long term risks inc high mortality and suicide. Her parents may have been really impacted but chose to present a keep calm & carry on persona.

the big conversation hasn’t happened and for @Unsureaboutforgiving a lot of this is unresolved and impacts upon her adulthood . Essentially op needs to keep herself safe, find the way that works

Thank you. No, no chance they have suffered. There was some suggestion that my grandad did have an ED, though. My parents are both extremely relaxed eaters but very focused on fitness and exercise. I was a very attractive child, hence my appearance was always at the forefront of everything, albeit food didn't become any kind of issue until the teen years.

This was your own struggle and you refused to eat healthily. You brought yourselves to doctors, so what would you like now? Strangers to point fingers to parents whom nobody knows on here...?

I should say, actually, and this is not the fault of my parents at all, but I am really struggling with the fact that their perception of my life (the one I have shown to them) is completely inaccurate. I feel so exhausted with 'protecting' them from reality. I think what I actually want to do is tell them what it's been like for me because I feel so sick of lying and keeping secrets. Maybe it's just I'm tired after all these years.

This is the eating disorders board? Do you think EDs are a refusal to eat healthily...? Perhaps do some reading.

I had eating disorder at age 15 too. My bmi was down to 15 at one point. I never had any treatment. I somehow found my own way out again. I do feel my mother did contribute a lot to how I came to be in that position. She used to constantly tell me how thin she was at school and telling me she was 7 stone (proudly) etc etc and I felt a lot of pressure to be thin too. Even when I was at my lowest weight I often felt she was even pleased and glad I wasn’t overweight because of how shameful it would be to have an over weight child. One day I remember shopping together and saying I wanted a pair of grey cotton cycling shorts and she said no as I would look like an elephants behind in them. I can’t understand why she would do that as I must have been so slim, maybe 7.5 or 8 stone at the time.

anyway, I have made a lot of peace with all this. I feel she must have had her own issues. I do feel sad for the child I was though

Well then going by this article everyone I know including myself feels that way . So maybe very few of us are equipped to be parents and the emotional neglect will continue to happen generation to generation and I have know idea what the answer is.

I agree that your last paragraph is most likely the 'solution' and, on good days, i feel like I do this. The difficulty is getting over the negative thoughts you have about yourself which can prevent this - for me, it's being too much 'trouble', not feeling like I can be myself or express what I actually think. I don't think this thread has helped with that perception 😂

Again you need to explain how you feel to them . Nothing is going to change without communication especially between generations and sometimes within the same generation. There is only 2 years between my kids and they have polar opposite views of our family life . Some things stood out to one and went totally unnoticed by the other . Neither of my kids know I had an ED only my husband and my mum .