Teen Eating Disorders Thread 4

[SoTiredNeedHoliday]

Starting a new thread, no 3 is full

Yep thanks MN for deleting it.

@PrincessandthePeach how about you leave advice to the experts, and stop trolling these parents who are doing their absolute best for their kids?

DD is in recovery from anorexia. She was discharged from her virtual treatment from the Maudsley in March after being ill for a year. Today was a bit of a harsh reminder of the physical harm anorexia does - she hurt herself at football and had to go for an X-ray. The X-ray showed slight osteopenia - which I’m sure must be a result of not eating enough for months. She’s got a prescription for vitamin d.

Reported the second one

Bloody hell I'm 🤬 at the troll, this is meant to be a safe space for parents of really unwell children.

It's really upset me, you have no idea what you're talking about.

Myrtle I'm so happy your dd had a good time, posts like that give me hope.

MN you are fantastic thank you for being so prompt.

I'm so sorry that we've had trolling on this thread. I haven't seen the posts so I'll count myself lucky.

@coastergirl lurking is fine with me - if you find even one thing helpful it will be great.

@Stylinson it really is scary to think of the underlying damage. What amazes me is that DD1 is so much more tired now that she is close to being weight restored. It must be her body repairing.

@myrtleWilson hooray for a great weekend.

I missed the trolling post but wow - who would do that to this thread?

rollergirl - I think you or your DH needs to have a frank talk with PIL - they need to know that the card/message they sent is completely inappropriate - would they send that to someone with cancer?

lougle - that sounds like a sensible approach from school - building hours on site if not in class.

stylinson - my DD is in early recovery & I do worry about damage to her bowel/stomach. ED's are really pernicious illnesses - Lougle I read somewhere about how the body heals itself from an ED and how energy sapping that can be..

coastergirl - welcome!

Thank you for not minding me lurking. So many of the kids I work with struggle with food, but I feel like I've learnt so much from this thread

I really wish you all well.

@Rollergirl11 it’s so hard with relatives. Putting that kind of pressure on someone so ill is not helpful. But my in laws are a long way away and so worried and scared about DD too. I try to imagine if one of my kids was going through this as a parent and how awful it would feel to be unable to help or support. It would kill me tbh. And I know it’s so hard to find the head space but if your DH could find time to message them an update every day or so and agree that with them it would probably relieve tension all round. It is certainly not your job or your DDs. They are his parents. I had to have a stern word with my DH to get him to step up on this point. My DH was not as involved with DD as me so I made this a way he could help me.
Also my mum is around and in our support bubble and so has more info about DD. She has been speaking to my in laws for us and keeping them up to date which has been so helpful, I also encourage ]d my other kids to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Don’t get me wrong I totally get your frustration. And I was there and acted the same. Just some ideas from how we dealt with a similar situation.

Wow, I am amazed that someone would consider trolling this thread when we are all just doing our best to make our DC’s better! Shame on that person.

@Stylinson thanks for your post and highlighting how mindful we need to be to the potential linger lasting effects of this illness. Glad that your DD has recovered and is back on track.

Lougle yes that approach from the school sounds very sensible. But must be tough for you to realise the extent of how much she struggles there. We just want our babies to glide through life don’t we?

Lotts thanks for your post. There are some sensible ideas in there and it’s good for me to see it from another angle. I know that it all comes from a place of love and concern with the PIL’s. And I do appreciate that. I think DH is not very good at assuaging their worries. He does speak to his Mum on the phone regularly but his stock response is that DD is fine. So MIL then comes to me for a more detailed response because she knows things aren’t “fine”. DH just doesn’t want to talk about it. I can tell even with me he struggles when it dominates the conversation and I can tell that he’s reached the limit of his tolerance on the subject. DH has never been one with lots of emotional understanding and is quite closed off, preferring to bury his head in the sand.

I did wonder if the troll was an unwell teen themselves, that's the only reason I could think of for them to post something so unkind. As of this journey isn't hard enough...

Roller I think relatives really struggle to know how best to support us and the child. Are your pil local? I was thinking today what would be really helpful would be for someone to do some baking for me!! I could do with someone making high calorie cakes and flapjacks for dds packlunch. Maybe put some boundaries in place with them, tell them not to contact dd and you will speak to them once a week?

I'm having a quiet day today, caught up at home and taken the dog on a lovely walk. Works so busy at the moment and I literally stop work at 5pm and move straight into mum mode and sorting out dinner etc. Wednesdays are my day off and a much needed 5 mins to myself!!

I don't want to jinx it but something seems to have shifted again in dd, she seems a bit more relaxed and although she's still doing all the ocd stuff some of the intensity seems to have lessened....

Blimey I missed the troll, thankfully, as it would have set me off. The vast majority of people are kind and wonderful, but there are some weirdos who like to inflict pain from their keyboards.

@myrtleWilson was really thrilled to hear of your successful weekend.

@Rollergirl11, that would wind me up too. There's so many emotions to be dealing with you don't want to be having to manage your ILs too. @Lottsbiffandsmudge gives wise advice on that one.

My ILs died a few years back so not something I have to deal with. Bizarrely I've barely mentioned it to my parents, or very much underplayed it. They've massively aged over lockdown and my mother is really forgetful now and I feel like I'd be repeating myself. I know my siblings and I should be confronting my parents about my father's physical decline and mother's mental decline but we're all being a bit avoidant. So given all that, I don't know how sharing the stress of DD will help. I feel guilty that I can't do as much for my parents as I probably should, but (and I think this is probably natural) if I have to choose who to tend, it'll be DD.

Plus, there's some resentment on my part about my mother's attitude to my weight when I was a teenager. She was always on at me to lose weight and even once said, shockingly, 'anorexia might not be a bad thing'. BTW I was never even overweight, I just wasn't some tiny pretty Sloaney girl like she wanted me to be, I was very bolshy, left-wing and academic. I know if I talk about DD's issues this will get stoked up and I'll say something I might regret.

Wow @Valleyofthedollymix that is some serious baggage from your own adolescence….I totally get why you don’t discuss your DD with you mum…
And yes someone to back for me would be amazing (awaits buzzer going off for latest brownie creation…)
Glad things seem to be on the up @Girliefriendlikespuppies long may it continue
I missed the troll …. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel humans are.
DD is having school lunch today, tomorrow and Friday after 2 successful Thurs lunches over last 2 weeks. Hope to do a whole week next week (although she has a half day Fri as she breaks up for the summer….gulp)
So i am meeting a friend for a coffee at a garden centre in a bit ….taking my own advice on self care!
DD put on 1kg last week (after her 1.5kg loss the 2 weeks before). So I have relaxed again….I actually don’t think last weeks reading was right as she hasn’t eaten that much more food and has done more activity…. Weird… but she is happy, laughing and relaxed even with a broken foot and so we are there or thereabouts IMO.
DH talking about taking the kids away to a premier inn for a few days to see his parents in a few weeks without me (I have to work) and I am actually not totally freaked out. I need to let go more and he has plans to use his mums kitchen to cook. I will provide enough baked goods, fruit etc, premier inn breakfast can be tailored to what she usually eats and all that remains is to teach him to make the evening smoothie.
The thought of a few days alone is intoxicating tbh. And I need to deal with my own control issues. I can already hear her kW saying that if she looses over 3 days we know how to get it back on!
Keep plodding on folks it does get easier!

Hi,
I was the troll who posted the other 2 comments.
I'd like to apologise for my behaviour. I know it isn't an excuse but I have anorexia myself and seeing some of the things you were doing and methods that you had put in place really stressed me out as I hate the idea of someone sneaking stuff into my food etc.
I'm really sorry and will not comment anything of that nature again.

Thank you @BananaRama990. I hope you recover quickly and that you have people looking out for you. All any of us want is to help our children get better.

Girlfriend they are in Liverpool. I think that’s part of the reason, they feel helpless as they are so far away. I am actually thankful that they are too far away to see regularly though. Even when we went to visit them during half term a few things were said that were triggering for DD. She overheard them telling DH that they didn’t think DD looked too bad (cue DD thinking she didn’t look thin enough) and also telling DH that he needs to lose some weight as he has put some on over lockdown.

Hope you have had a lovely relaxing day off today.

Valley gosh that sounds a very difficult thing to have dealt with when you were young. I think a lot of it is a generational thing with so many people of that age being so very narrow-minded and judgemental. When I told my Mum about DD having Anorexia she said words to the effect that she was surprised as she didn’t have DD down as the vain type. Consequently I don’t really talk to her too much about it as it’s clear she doesn’t have a clue and I can’t be bothered to waste my time trying to educate her.

@BananaRama990 thanks for the apology and hope you have some real life support?

DD has been a bit more chipper the last few days and seems to be struggling less on the meal front. Although having said that she’s just gone nuts at me when I told her we are having Chicken Kiev for dinner tonight. Apparently it’s one of her fear foods and now she’s going to feel really fat for RAG day tomorrow. And I’m just trying to spoil everything for her! So I guess that’s her good mood over for the next few days….🤷‍♀️🥴

@BananaRama990 I'd echo Lougle - I hope you are getting the support you need. As parents we never really know what it is like to have an ED and whilst we are all incredibly heartbroken for our children (and anyone else with an ED) it is a thread from a parental perspective which may be jarring to someone on 'the other side' as it were. I think as parents we find ourselves cast in the roles of carer, advocate, jailer/guard, cheerleader, dietician, clinician, psychologist and on precious occasions a trusted friend. What works in one situation won't in another - but we share a goal - for our children to be happy and well, both physically & mentally and to have much brighter futures than their presents and I wish that for you too.

Banana it makes sense that you're a sufferer yourself which is what I suspected. I recognised the ED 'speaking' and it explains why thoughts of hidden calories would stress you out. Unfortunately (for anorexia) the truth is that increasing weight by which ever means possible is the most important factor in recovery. Your ED will not want to accept that or believe it though. However in this thread at least two of the posters know that that is the truth from first hand experience. I'm not sure how old you are but you may find the Tabitha Farrah books useful, she was a sufferer herself and is now recovered. Thank you for the apology.

Valley my mum once said to me when I was suffering with acute anxiety 'at least it keeps you thin' 🙄😫 not helpful. She also is constantly saying dds weight is fine, she looks about right etc. I definitely think there is a generational issue.

Hello... Just a heads up this post is about recovery so please do feel free to ignore if not for you.

I've mentioned previously about a couple of young adults that DD watched on youtube as she (in my mind) was 'rehearsing recovery'. One of them is Ro. I've linked a recent video from her 6 months into recovery and it is so alike to my own DD's journey so far. She covers lots of helpful ground in this video from a sufferer's perspective that I thought it may be useful for those of you who have children on the edge of recovery, or indeed for those who need the hope of recovery. I've watched most of Ro's videos and recovery has been really hard but hearing her story is (to me) really heartening

Thanks so much for posting this @myrtleWilson, I've just watched and found it useful. Our therapist says that one needs to be wary of recovery videos as they can be competitive. Sigh. I know, for example, that if DD were to watch it she'd say, oh well I'm not the same, I've got my period.

But I did take lots of notes that I'll share with DD and it's so great to hear it from the inside and expressed in an articulate way.

@Rollergirl11 and @Girliefriendlikespuppies, you're so right re the generational differences. My mother and her friends were obsessed with being thin but it was never about being strong or achieving a healthy weight, it was all about eating grim low fat cottage cheese on ryvita. I should cut her some slack, although sometimes I think it's a miracle we've grown up to be quite emotionally stable given the mistakes they made (brother went to boarding school at 7!).

banana many thanks for the apology (not that I saw the offending messages) and best of luck for your recovery.

It sounds like our mothers are quite similar in their approach to thinness valley. My mum used to go on weird diets all the time (completely unnecessarily) the cabbage soup one was particularly memorable as it smelt horrific.

That video is interesting myrtle I'm not sure what my dd would make if it. She's very different to lots of kids/teens with anorexia, she never had the usual fear foods so has eaten bread, pasta, cake and chocolate throughout. The issue is the ridiculous self imposed rules she puts on herself and the lack of freedom with any of it. I think she would also say 'look yoga really helped her, I should do yoga' 🙄

Dd has been teary tonight, they're having a careers week at school and I think it's freaked her out a bit. She said 'I don't want to be a grown up, I want to stay as I am'. I always felt part of the ED was around fear of getting older and bigger, her body changing etc.

At least she was talking to me about it and she let me rub her feet for a bit before bed.

Girlfriend I’ve read that quite a bit actually, that a lot of people with Anorexia have a fear of growing up.

There was a post on the EDSUK Facebook group yesterday evening from a Mum whose anorexic daughter was spotted by a model scout in London yesterday when they were attending a dietitian appointment. It’s shocking to see how things haven’t really moved on from the “heroin chic” aesthetic that was prevalent nearing 30 years ago when I was in my late teens.

DD’s exam results from last week are starting to trickle in and she hasn’t done anywhere near as bad as she thought she had. She’s also being awarded with a student academic achievement award and she will attend the awards ceremony during the last week of term. I have said that if she continues to gain good weight in the next few weeks she can have her helix pierced at the beginning of the summer hols as a reward for her school work and weight gain. I’m hoping it will be an incentive for her as she has wanted this done for a while now. 👂🤞