Teen Eating Disorders Thread 4

[SoTiredNeedHoliday]

Starting a new thread, no 3 is full

Same the sadness is what gets to me and the fact that she can’t see how completely amazing she is.
The guilt too, am I somehow responsible for my amazing girl feeling this way. What if I’d stepped in sooner, was it something I said or did. None of it is helpful but these are the dark thoughts I’m left with.

Her therapist explained that compassion therapy would be useful when she’s weight restored. Compassion to herself. She’s such a perfectionist and she is so conscientious. She says she just wanted to fit in with her friends by being slim but somewhere along the way it got out of control.

Me and DH have assumed kind of good cop bad cop roles.. he’s been very kind and caring and soothing, I’m more of an “eat or you’ll end up in hospital” tact. Firm and reminding her of the harsh reality of not eating. Not sure if it’s the right thing to do but she ate her snack just now.

I found a really good short interview on Facebook BBC Sport, with Molly Bartrip a young women’s footballer, who talks about her own struggle with anorexia and her recovery. I sent it to DD. It might be helpful.

Hope you're okay dark don't feel bad for loosing the plot, we're only human and this illness would drive a Saint to drink.

Yy re the sadness, it's heartbreaking 💔

Dd has been for a horse ride this morning which she enjoyed.

Well done on the weight gain roller 👏🏻**

So we're in Newcastle and more refusals. We caved in and gave alternatives but although she promised she'd eat them, she just shredded them and they were refused too. So we are coming home early. I'm broken. I think I have to find an inpatient facility for her as the behaviour is dreadful and she now hates me I am massively part of the problem and not the solution.

I admit defeat. The ED has beaten us and has crushed me. Nothing works. She doesn't care I can take her phone, leave her with relatives on holiday in October, nothing works. How is it possible that we got her from 80% to 86% and it's now worse? I don't understand.

@DarkBlueEyes - I'm just down the road from you in Durham - it sounds like you could do with a break. We could meet for a coffee if you'd like?

Just back from a night away seeing family - so will catch up on the thread properly now.

@DarkBlueEyes how are you now?

@DarkBlueEyes that sounds so tough. Please try not to despair.
Here is what I learnt that helped me. I hope some of it can help you too.
The ED is a terrorist in her head. She is almost completely powerless against it. Her behaviour and mood are all entirely dictated by a voice in her head telling her she can’t eat. She cannot overcome that voice on her own. It bullies her. Calls her names. Beats her up. Forces her to do things she would never normally do.
Your DD needs you and your DH to fight that voice for her. Even though it looks like everything you do is making it worse the mere fact that she is so distressed is a sign you are winning.
I believe you need to regroup. Get home to safety where things are more in your control. And start again. Don’t look backwards. We all make mistakes and have terrible days. There is no point wasting energy on mulling over that.
Get home. Remove choice from her (the ED). Present food. Use any method to get it in. Only look at the current meal/snack. Do not look forwards.
I am sorry to say it but life doesn’t really happen when you are living with this illness. It is hard to accept especially as everything is opening up but that is the reality. Once I gave into that it helped me. That doesn’t mean you should not have a break every day if you can. A catch up with a friend. A bath. Etc etc but holidays and trips out etc are so difficult in the early days.
I would learn distress tolerance. Please go onto the FEAST website and look for their distress tolerance video.
In essence though dealing with distress (anger or sadness) is about saying very little but being physically there. My stock phrases were ‘I am sorry this is so hard for you’ or ‘I can see how difficult this is for you’ and then nothing. Don’t reassure or try to talk logically. It doesn’t help. I then let the distress work it’s course whilst keeping her physically safe and then once calmer saying something like ‘we love you. We will not stop until we beat this thing. We will do this whilst it is too hard for you. We know what you need to get better please trust us’. Eventually it sinks in.
I remember my despair from the early days and indeed months. It was hell. But you can get there. Recovery in young people when hit hard with weight gain is often good. My DD is in maintenance I know all of the kids on here can get there I truly believe that with parents like you all are it is possible. Hold onto that and keep going.
My mother battled for my younger brother and his mental illness for years, at times it looked like he would never live a normal life. He is now married, happy, working with 2 wonderful kids. Recovery is possible.
I can’t remember if you are under a CAMHS team but I would ask for a psychiatric review so see if meds might help as well.

In other news this holiday DD has eaten out a few times and last night tgh had a take away. Pad Thai noodles. This is the first time in over a year.
Still struggling to get her to do her therapy work. I actually think she is frightened of confronting what happened to make her ill. She goes on her residential football thing on Friday which I am trying not to freak out about…..

Thank you all for your non judgemental support. I am feeling slightly better today, though I would have to say yesterday was the worst day of my life, apart from when I lost my mother.

@Lottsbiffandsmudge that is so helpful and I have reminded myself to say those things already. Today she has had 90% of her breakfast and a snack.

I am not feeling constantly about to vomit. I guess we take our small wins where we can.

I am wondering about medication for her - given we have been discharged unfairly by CAMHS does anyone have any advice for how we could access this?

Thank you all. I don't know what I'd do without this thread.

Hi. I'm new to the thread and looking for some support and encouragement. I started my own thread a few days ago and nothing has improved since then - we are now on week three of very very restricted eating although at least the purging appears to have abated. Yesterday she managed 2 fortisips and a quarter of a sandwich. Today has had one fortisip and is refusing anything else or even to come downstairs. Phoned the CAMHS ED team on Thurs and again today (we have an assessment appointment booked in two weeks time), still awaiting a call back. We have been to a&e 3 times in the last three weeks, low BP, weight going down obvs but they think she has more chance of eating at home. I feel like I can only dream of being able to sneak calories in at the moment. I have no idea what to do except keep trying every meal and snack time.

I can't focus on work even though I can wfh and so have just been signed of for two weeks. Feel bad about that too.

@DarkBlueEyes I'm so sorry things are so difficult. It doesn't seem to make much sense when they struggle. DD1 is 97% WFH but has had two really hard evenings in a row. All you can do is one meal at a time, but try to decide the consequences you'll implement when you're calm, so that you are sure you can follow through when it's difficult. Re. Medication, you do need a psychiatrist to prescribe, so perhaps ask for a rereferral?

@cheerup I'm glad you have found this thread, although sorry you're in this place, too. It sounds like you're trying hard.

DD is getting more and more distressed with every meal. We had a good day today but she’s just finished tea and is incredibly distressed. Don’t know what to do for the best.

I feel like I’m driving her to psychosis.. she’s agitated and click and pulling on her fingers!

It's really hard @Bettybarkalot123. By the time the psychiatrist saw DD1, she was convinced that people were breaking into the hospital canteen to poison the food. She was prescribed fluoxetine, but it took a while to take effect. The real game changer for DD1 was olanzapine, which was prescribed several weeks later.

Thanks @Lougle
I’m going to call the GP again tomorrow and say that she’s really suffering and needs camhs assessment ASAP. Im dreading that she might have lost weight again this week. She looks a little fuller in the face but she’s been dreadfully pale today.

Probably won’t do any good but I’ve got to keep pushing.

She’s calmed down now. She does seem to calm herself quite quickly.

Dreading tomorrow as it’s DD1 Alevel results day and I’d love for us all to go out and celebrate but I don’t think that will be possible. DD wants to sleep at her best friends house but I can’t see how that can happen unless she has a full day of eating. I hate cutting her off from her friends and she probably needs them more than ever.
I wish she would tell them how she’s feeling, maybe they could help.

I know it’s a rollercoaster and on the whole today has been positive.. I need to cling to that. She’s on her bed now, watching a film with her dad. I’m going to have a glass of wine to calm my nerves!

Hi @Bettybarkalot123 @DarkBlueEyes - how are you both getting on? (not with each other obviously!!)

Bit of an odd day here - nothing to report ED wise, recovery still on track which is a yay!
But it is A-level results day and my DD should be getting hers today but she's not because of her anorexia. My logical brain knows its fine - she'll re-start 6th form, she'll be in a better place to do so, it doesn't really matter what age you go to university at etc etc. However, there is a part of me mourning what we didn't get to do this year - cheers eating disorder.

That said, am super proud that she's got a job over the summer before school starts again, she's found friends a little bit younger than her and a little bit older than her, she's falling in teenage love, she's conquering demons every day, so put that in your pipe and smoke it anorexia..

@myrtleWilson I’m glad your daughter is recovering well. The rest can wait, it will still be there! Friendship, love and health matters above all else - but I do understand how you must feel. I worry about my DD and her GCSEs next year. She did her GCSE Eng Lit a year early and gets her grade on Thursday.

Today my DD1 got her Alevel results and place at uni confirmed. She’s very excited and happy. Today was all about her and rightly or wrongly I told myself that she would be my focus today.

DD2 went out for lunch with her friend. I made sure she ate a really good breakfast before she went and asked her to send before and after pics of what she’d eaten. She tells me the ED causes less anxiety when she’s with her friends - does anyone else find this to be the case?

She cried after tea but instead of rushing up and talking her down I spent tome with DD1 in the garden and left DD2 to it. After about half an hour and when her grandparents came around she came down and had a lovely evening. She didn’t finish her hot chocolate but picked on a couple of crisps.

It’s weigh day tomorrow and to say we’re both anxious is an understatement!
I hope everyone else is coping. X

@Bettybarkalot123 DDs anxiety is much less when with friends. She will eat food with them that she wouldn't consider eating with us.

Thanks for asking. It's not good here. I had a complete breakdown in the pub we'd been to last night after sending everyone home while I sat with DD to get her to drink her lemonade. It took her 3 hours to drink it. She didn't see my breakdown but DH had to come and get me.

I've been awake all night and it's occurred to me that as she's chosen PE and food tech for her gcse subjects we may have to insist she changes them. What do you all think?

It's weigh in day. She will have lost and we have no help. To say I'm at rock bottom is an understatement. She is refusing to eat and no matter what I do and how Eva musby I go she still refuses. I have nothing left. I can't see a way out of this. Well, I can but I couldn't do that to DH.

Oh @DarkBlueEyes you really need to speak to someone irl. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Keep posting on here so we can support you.

It might be worth seeing if she can. My DD started gcse pe but asked to swap after the first term, luckily she was allowed. Looking back now I do wonder if something about it contributed to the situation we find ourselves in now. She had to do PE with the boys for GCSE and she just hated it. Pretty sure the teacher was male too. Obviously I have nothing against boys or men, but DD is super sensitive about her body image.

Good luck with the weigh in… it’s weigh day here too. Not until later this afternoon tho. I think I’m going to change these appointments to the morning as I know it’s going to hang over her all day. She’s still asleep and I know I should be waking her for breakfast as I’ve been told to, but I’m just enjoying five more minutes peace!

@NCTDN That’s reassuring that your daughter says the same. She always orders vegan as her friends also seem to, she shows me she’s eaten via pictures. I guess the scales will reveal all this afternoon.
The forticips are still a no go, so I’ve been replacing with a hot chocolate made with full fat milk. Not the same but the best I can do for now.
I do feel that I’m not being strict enough.

A full day in hospital yesterday for me and DD2, 12. Bloods OK- eventually, once they managed to get some- and other measures what you'd expect from someone who is starving themselves. Somehow she had managed to put on a bit of weight - suspect just better hydrated as no more than 300 calories a day for several days hence why I took her in. Refused all food and Fortisip and apple juice. Did drink some water and lots of coke zero. Traumatic all round so have let her sleep in today, will go and try with a Fortisip now. Family eating disorders service initial assessment in 2 weeks feels a long way away.

I'm nowhere near strict enough but as she's nearly 18 I can't sneak anything into food without her knowing. I need to ensure she gets back to a healthy view over food and decision making.

@DarkBlueEyes I'm so sorry you are in this place. It is so tough and please know that you are not alone. Every day it's a real struggle and while some are better than others they are all pretty s**t! The fact that you are feeling like this tells you that you are doing everything you can for your DD.

Supporting DD is like nothing I've ever been through before, I feel constantly like I am at my limit and I'm running on fumes but we keep ongoing. The real killer is that this illness will take (at a minimum) months to get over. I've had to give up almost everything, my job, my study, exercise, even seeing friends is limited. I have nothing left after looking after DD.

The illness is not your DD though it's a monster inside and your DD will come back.

Here are some free services that might provide some help for you to keep pushing through or for DD if she feels like getting help too, or maybe you could do them together?

B-EAT - www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/myself/online/chat (Eating Disorder specific - Online and phone)

Kooth www.kooth.com/ (Online wellbeing community)

Shout Text Crisis Line - www.crisistextline.uk/

Shout is an affiliate of Crisis Text Line® in the UK that provides free, confidential support, 24/7 via text. It’s the first free 24/7 texting service in the UK for anyone in crisis anytime, anywhere via the medium people already use and trust.
www.crisistextline.uk/

It’s hard to sneak extras in. I noticed this morning that she left a bit of weetabix smeared around the edge of the bowl, when I scraped it up, it was about half a spoonful. Not much but tomorrow I’m going to crumble a little extra in to compensate. Someone said about very gradually increasing portion sizes and I think this is such a good idea.
Also, I added a teaspoon of chia seeds.. they’re tiny and she doesn’t seem to mind them in her breakfast. I’ve also been using full fat milk which she hasn’t even noticed yet.
Have only managed one or two fortisips since we got them last week. She hates them.

@DarkBlueEyes I’ve found Beat to be really helpful. Call them and talk to someone. I’m going to book in on one of their online courses.

Remember this is a marathon not a sprint and we all must remember we’re human, dealing with possibly the hardest thing we will ever go through. Be kind to yourself and remember you’re doing the best that you can.