Teen Eating Disorders Thread 4

[SoTiredNeedHoliday]

Starting a new thread, no 3 is full

@Bettybarkalot123

She’s only been on the meal plan for a week but i feel I’m making her worse not better. She’s so so sad and scared.

It does feel like that. But you've got to remember that you're loving your DD and pushing the ED back - she can't do it herself, or she wouldn't be in this state.

Fortisips are 1.5 calories per ml. So one bottle is 350 calories. Double cream is 4.5 calories per ml, so if you can find a way of getting 75ml of cream into her meals, that's the same number of calories.

For DD1 the quantities were the hardest thing, plus taste. So I abandoned meal plans and just calorie counted, making everything as high calorie as possible.

Well we are back from a very mixed week of holiday in the UK. I feel like our family is being ripped apart by this illness. DH (though atm feels like just H) are hanging on by a thread. We disagree so strongly on how to deal with everything. He thinks if she wants to get better then she will just eat those fear foods. He found it incredible that we couldn't just turn up at a restaurant and expect DD to find something she would eat. I say she can't walk round for more than a short stroll, he says walking is fine.
I really don't know what to do. This thread has been invaluable for support but at the same time I'm so saddened that other people are in the same situation

I'm sorry @NCTDN. I had a disagreement with DH over whether DD1 should be taking movicol tonight when she had loose stools this morning. It's all so boring!

Thank you! I know you’re right. She seems to break down and just needs us to talk her back. Her dad is amazing with her.

I made leek and potato soup today (her favourite) and managed to add double cream. She didn’t notice at all.
She has just said she feels like she’s out of control. That must be the anorexia losing it’s grip. A good thing surely.

Hi, little update.

Been for our assessment this week and DD15 is 78%wfh.

Them saying they'd recommend zero exercise or school below 80% has brought it home.

I did immediately start 3meals 3 snacks 2 weeks ago when I realised how much she was restricting which she has gone along with with no argument and we are away next week so will have another appointment when back.

Think we're possibly at the beginning of a long road.

@Bettybarkalot123

She’s only been on the meal plan for a week but i feel I’m making her worse not better. She’s so so sad and scared.

It does feel like that at the beginning, it feels awful to see your child suffer so much but it absolutely has to be done.

I think lots did a distress tolerance course which I can imagine would be very useful, I think BEAT might offer it.

I always found that saying 'the Dr says' or 'the meal plan says...' was easier for DD to accept than if I was telling her what to do.

@Bettybarkalot123 the leek and potato soup is a great way to get calories in. Butter to soften the leeks, cream in the soup and the strong flavour of the leeks will mask the cream.

Hope your DD is feeling better @Lougle

We've had a day of high emotion. DD was told by our ED nurse today, in no uncertain terms, that she must not exercise. She's been distraught. Sobbing about being scared of getting fat. Says she wants to get better but the fear of being fat is stronger.

I’m realised pleased with the soup. Today I’m going to make sweet potato and use full fat coconut milk and oil to roast the sweet potato pieces. I’m also going to experiment with smoothies, adding the cream as suggested to see if she’ll tolerate these over the fortisip.

Today DD is going to her Saturday job. It’s 9-2 and she goes with her best friend. It’s very physical and with animals but she lives for it. I’ve explained that she must have a full breakfast and a forticip before she goes and we’ve used it as motivation to eat all week. I’ve been in such a huge dilemma all week and we’ve said we will decided week by week whether she can go depending on how well she’s eaten, blood results etc.

Thankfully she doesn’t exercise at all during the week now so this really will be the only physical stuff she does.

I read that a girl with anorexia described how everything in her life started to stop until all she had left was the AN and because of this it almost became something she had to cling to.

The rest of the weekend will be spent eating and resting. I hope I’m doing the right thing.

Thank you for all your support and reading about your own experiences with your families is helping so much .

Betty remind me of your dds wfh? I think the exercise allowance depends on a few things such as are the following the meal plan and are they gaining? Also are they likely to try and maximise/exploit the exercise allowed?

I also think if you take everything away from them you lose all chance of leverage. I allowed my D to continue on dog walks throughout the illness but used the threat of reducing the walk as leverage to get her to eat, which worked normally!

What does your dd have for breakfast? I found porridge was a brilliant way to get calories in, bowl of food oats (and I add one of the golden syrup porridge sachets in as well for taste) topped with double cream (around 150mls) and then mix with ff milk to get the right consistency. I think it works out around 750 calories.

@Bettybarkalot123 I totally agree about the job. We've allowed DD to carry on with her job (after a few weeks when she was signed off sick ) because she needed something to aim for. I'm very clear- if you want to go, you must have...
There has to be something for leverage and I've had to balance the physical health with her mental health. Taking that way from her would just increase the mental anxiety.

She’s 82% She had a small loss (1kg) on Wednesday but her blood pressure had improved and she has stuck to the meal plan. We’ve been increasing gradually so we were told that a small loss at this early stage want anything to worry about and that her general physicals were better. She’s within normal ranges but lower normal for bp, pulse, oxygen sats and bloods all normal.
I just feel that she needs this so much, she understands that it will be reviewed week by week and it is so therapeutic for her.

It’s been a massive dilemma. I just feel that she will feel totally empty apart from the anorexia without it.

She definitely is not exercising apart from this. She may come on a short dog walk once a week and sometimes plays softball with her dad and brother but it’s really nothing strenuous at all. When they play softball she understands that she’s not to run, she just throws, catches and hits. Again, she says this benefits her mental health.

For breakfast this morning she had two weetabix, with milk and a sprinkle of seeds, a bowl of sliced banana and strawberries and a 300ml glass of fresh orange juice. She sipped a fortisip whilst waiting for her lift but didn’t finish it. We’ve got the soup from yesterday for lunch when she gets home and she will have a hummus and spinach wrap with that as a she’s been without a snack this morning.
Porridge made that way is a great idea. She loves porridge and usually she has oats made with chocolate oat milk and a spoon of jam. I didn’t think though, I guess the sachets would be more calorific so I’ll get some today. This is all becoming clear as to why it’s so important to have her out of the kitchen whilst I’m prepping her meals!

Does she know her weight Betty? I tend to advocate blind weighing as it has been so important in my dds recovery. Unless you are certain that she understands she will have to gain weight and won't then freak out and restrict further I'd blind weigh.

The sachets are a very small portion so I triple it with normal porridge oats.

Soups are great for getting calories in, I make a tomato and pepper soup which is tomatoes and chopped up peppers and an onion fried on oil, then blitzed, add double cream and stock and serve with crusty bread and butter. Really yummy 😋

Other good foods that soak up calories are scrambled eggs, use duck eggs and mix in butter and double cream.

Potatoes, they soak up butter and cream really well. I make a mash potato and add cream, butter and cheese to it.

Anything with a sauce, I make a salmon pasta dish in a white sauce. The white sauce in butter, flour, double cream, soft cheese and hard cheese and add stock to taste. Also pesto - add extra oil is good on calories.

Avocado oil is very calorific but it does turn food green!

With lunch and dinner I've always insisted on a main and a pudding. With lunch this tends to be two large tuna Mayo rolls with a packet of cheddars for main, pudding would be a yogurt or a small piece of cake.

Also slowly increase portion sizes, I have done this gradually throughout and dd has never noticed (or if she has not commented!)

Fantastic advice thank you so much!
She loves avocado mashed up on a bagel or a wrap. She will eat scrambled egg and it’s on her meal plan for breakfast.

I’ve been adding puddings to lunch and dinner. This is usually a bowl of fruit to include a banana with non diet vanilla or strawberry yogurt. It’s early days and she’s still quite restrictive but last night we saw some progress- she had a wrap pizza with sweetcorn, peppers and onions and plenty of cheese. She had fries with it (which we did have to really encourage her to eat) and even added her own garlic Mayo and ketchup. Apart from babybels as a snack she’s been refusing cheese a lot so this was a real positive.
Great tip about increasing portions gradually too. Thank you!

Hi all

We seem to be going down a slippery slope and it's all going wrong. On Thursday night DH and I had booked to go out at 8.30 with friends but had to cancel. DD was curled up in a foetal position and hysterically crying and refused to eat )this has never happened before).I made her something else that she requested (probably shouldn't have done that) and she hardly touched it, just shredded it to pieces (fried eggs on toast), as it was "manky". We threatened her with A and E, I just didn't know what to do. My own MH has hit an all time low and I just don't see the point of carrying on when I can't help her, I just don't know what to do.

I weighed her blind on Thursday and she'd put on 200g. She knows she won'tbe coming on holiday at October half term unless she's 90% WFH and I think I'm going to have to make a plan for her as I just can't see that happening. The sad thing was, she could do that in 3 weeks if she just put her mind to it.In many ways I could accept the weight she is now, but not the disordered eating - the rigidity, the smearing, the crumbling, the hiding the lying, the cruelty to me, the food on the floor (wouldn't be surprised if we don't get rats) and the utter determination to be as miserable as possible.

I can't see a way out of this, I just can't. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life (not helped by being 8 hours in a car in horrendous traffic). I just wanted to throw myself out the door on the M1. I know you'll all get it.

I completely get it @DarkBlueEyes - I feel like my only job and role in life is to feed DD and I'm really bad at it. Especially in comparison to all of your meals on this thread - honestly the idea of 750 calorie pancakes or chips feels like a distant dream. As does 90% WFH. Or even mid 80s. I had a real sobbing fit to my parents yesterday who I've so far kept kind of ignorant of the situation as I didn't see the point of worrying them.

And to any newcomers, really sorry that you've had to find yourself here but I'm sure it will be of great support. Agree re. putting on weight yourself - you just have to keep chowing on the highly fatty foods you've made with gusto and I've piled on pounds. Also agree re. the weird playing with food. DD always eats everything in a particular order, sandwiches with a knife and fork, endless pattern making with her food. I find it incredibly irritating. The dog seems to be hanging round her a lot at mealtimes which makes me suspicious, but at least she's not a meat eater.

We are still planning on at least trying to go on holiday with the proviso that one of us comes back if she doesn't eat. It's a risk as she's low weight but her bloods and bp etc are currently fine so we feel that if we can get back quickly if necessary, covid permitting. It might be madness, but on the other hand, staying at home feels like it will just perpetuate all the negative obsessive thoughts. There's a chance, a slim chance, that a break from the routine might help her break the stalemate we're in.

God who knows? I just feel that the whole family's suffered enough without cancelling this holiday. The alternative is that the others go and I stay at home with her. But our mutual resentment will be monumental.

I know our situation is better than some of you and dd is (theoretically) almost weight restored but today has been awful.

I've just come down from having a cry upstairs, I just feel like such a failure and that I've not done enough to get dd well 😕

We attempted lunch out in town, dd was stroppy and completely ruined something I'd been looking forward to. She dropped most of the lunch on the floor and was smearing more of it around the table. She then had a melt down that the walk home wasn't long enough.

I'm so sick of it all.

We walked the dog this evening and I asked if she knew why things were worse than usual and she wouldn't answer. She knew I was crying but doesn't care. The only thing she worries about is walking enough steps and not eating. I honestly feel like I could drop dead and she would only be worried about how it would effect her daily walk.

I totally hear you all. It's so hard and relentless.
I have had a glimmer of hope as dd has actually put weight on this week. I've tried pointing out that keep this up for 3 weeks and she'll be at 85% wfh and able to resume physical activities. But she still can't make the change to higher calorie cereal bars despite knowing it would get her there quicker.
I am fortunate that we can have meals out as long as she has seen the menu beforehand.
The impact on OUR mental health is horrible

We had an epic meltdown tonight. Refusing to eat a roll. Refusing the opportunity to switch for a milkshake. Swearing/throwing/punching things. In the end I gave her 3 chocolate brownie bites, 3 millionaire shortbread bites and a banana, telling her that she had to eat the lot. She finally relented and ate them.

Hey all 👋

Gosh, sorry to hear that many of you are having such a tough time of it. This is a ghastly all-consuming illness isn’t it?

For those talking about how they feel they are making their DC’s worse, I definitely felt that at the beginning. This illness has you constantly second guessing yourself that’s for sure. You do have to build a certain amount of resilience and distress tolerance. In one of the Parents team sessions our CAMH’s ED team run one of the team said something that has stuck with me that I frequently remind myself of when DD is particularly upset. And it is that while it is awful and heart-wrenching to see our children in such distress, that ultimately it is not harmful to them (they probably won’t even remember it when they are out the other side). Whereas not eating very definitely is. Although it doesn’t seem like it to them you are giving them what they need to survive. You know what they need to get better. At the moment they are not able to make healthy decisions. The ED has stripped them of that. It is the ED that is causing the distress. Not you. With each meal you provide and make them eat you are giving them back their freedom from the ED.

So we are currently away in Devon. The weather is awful. I certainly don’t feel like it’s much of a holiday as it’s business as usual in terms of making sure DD eats everything she needs to. I managed to get DD back to her pre ED weight (after her dropping 1kg with her water loading antics) last week by adding a nightly Fortisip in to her meal plan for 7 nights. She hated them so I don’t think she will pull that stunt again. It certainly helped with the weight gain though, she put on 1.5kg in one week! Now I feel slightly better about increased activity and maybe being slightly more flexible while we are away. We are going out for dinner tonight in a restaurant (first time since ED) so we will see how that goes! Fingers crossed 🤞

We are back from Devon on Friday and then we are hopefully off to Majorca the following Tuesday! Have booked the kids Fit to fly Covid tests for next Sunday. Hoping they don’t get Covid and we are able to go!

Oh god. I've just lost the plot with DD. I lost my temper with her after another refusal to eat and I just don't see how I come back from that. I mean how do you? She's not speaking to me and I think I'm going to have to leave.

@Rollergirl11 good advice regarding the distress management. It goes against our natural instincts to cause distress to our children, but we have to. I try to explain to my daughter that there are lots of medicines that cause us to feel worse before we can feel better and this is the case for her. Food is the medicine.

@DarkBlueEyes I’m so sorry you and you DD are struggling. I don’t know what to say to offer comfort, just know that you’re not alone. Could you ask a family member to take over today so that you can get some space? A long walk might help.

My DD is very down and upset today. She doesn’t believe anything is going to make her feel better. She says she hates herself.

I’m not sure she will have even gained this week as she doesn’t seem to be getting enough in.

@DarkBlueEyes I'm so sorry to hear this. I know there's times that I just need to get out and get some space. DD know how much she upsets me, but when I'm that state she can't reason with herself.
Where in the country are you? Have you got someone in RL to talk to?

@DarkBlueEyes pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue. That’s all you can do. It’s so very hard. But keep on with the food and trust me it will slowly start to get a little bit better. We see more and more of our DD back with us as the weight has gone on. She is now 95% wfh.

@Bettybarkalot123 I struggle with the sadness in DD more than the anger. I actually prefer it now when she hates me as I know it’s the ED feeling threatened. But the weight gain comes with a price which is her body image and self esteem at an all time low. She hates herself and the way she looks. But this is where the therapy starts to come in to its own. Her therapist is just starting to tackle her body image and perfectionism with DD. It’s going to take a shift and re-structuring of her thought processes and reactions.