Teen Eating Disorders Thread 4

[SoTiredNeedHoliday]

Starting a new thread, no 3 is full

Got it thanks x

So... we did go away as planned. Then just after we arrived, DS (the one I mentioned to @Lottsbiffandsmudge as having been given a very free covid rein) got pinged, we did a lateral flow and he's positive! Glad we spent six hours in a car with him then.

He's feeling fine, like a summer cold that he says wouldn't keep him off school. And we're in the middle of nowhere in a more pleasant place to isolate than home. He's got his own bathroom too.

It's fine, in fact, because DD not being able to walk more than 10 mins a day meant our lovely walking holiday with pub lunches was kiboshed anyway. But OMG, can life be simple again?

DD following her v v scaled v low cal meal plan fine. Now we need to up it again but the clinic want her to readjust to eating (the week before she'd gone on strike) and to learn to trust.

Oh God can't believe covid is wrecking peoples summers!! I really hope you and your ds are feeling better lots and your dd is coping without you. I hope your ds is also okay valley and the rest of you manage to escape it.

Not a lot to report here, it's very Groundhog Day like really. Dd struggling as the very hot weather means she can't take the dog out during the day. She took herself off for a walk Ystd which I told her was complete madness 😕

I also really don't like cooking (or eating) when it's this hot so everything feels even more like a massive chore than usual!!

I've given dd the Tabitha Farrah book, hope she reads it and takes on board her suggestions....

Hey lovely ladies 👋

Lotts and Valley sorry to hear of your Covid woes. Fingers crossed you and your DD’s manage to escape coming down with it and I hope it doesn’t ruin your holiday too much.

We have had a weekend of a few wins. DD has made it back to her pre Ed weight (she doesn’t know it). I don’t actually know what that puts her at wfh but I’m guessing around 96%. I am going to aim for 100% so probs another 2kg to go.

We also had our first takeaway since diagnosis. We had a Thai. DD complained quite a bit beforehand but it was relatively painless while we were eating. She was quite upset afterwards because of the feelings of guilt but I was expecting that. But all in all I think she enjoyed it more than she was expecting to.

One last week left at school and then done for almost 7 weeks. Now just hoping we can make it on our holiday to Majorca without the kids coming down with Covid or Spain making it on to the red list!!!

Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine! It’s been a long time coming but it is very veery hot!! ☀️🔥🔥

Oooh silly me I’ve just seen that you have actually come down with Covid too Lotts. Poor you! Hope that your DH has stepped up in teens if sorting out DD for you and that you don’t feel too poorly. 💕💐

Yay for getting to pre ED weight roller and for the take away, fab progress.

We've had a crap afternoon, it was my nephews 18th bday party, a family affair in my brothers garden. Dd was miserable and basically ignored everyone, she was so rude I was actually ashamed of her 😔

I think being surrounded by loads of lovely food didn't help, she had a small bit of birthday cake but looked wretched.

She also made a comment about my nephews girlfriend which I felt was bitchy.

The ED seems to bring out the absolute worse in her and given she's pretty much 100% wfh now I really hoped we'd be in a better place now.

Ugh.

Next wend we're driving 5 plus hours up North to my cousins wedding, I'm actually dreading it.

Hi all sorry to hear about your DS @Valleyofthedollymix I hope he feels ok and everyone else avoids, it.
I have been feeling really bad tbh. I seem to have every cold symptom going plus a shivery temperature thing which eases with paracetamol and then comes back gradually until the next lot of pills stomach ache and I have absolutely no sense of taste of smell. I am baking hot confided to my bedroom. And breathing feels tough at some points, It’s day 4 today and I still feel really rough. I am pretty glad I didn’t catch this thing before I was double jabbed
DH has done stuff but not with exactly good grace. He has DD doing HITT work outs with him to replace her swimming. Which seem to Involve a lot of jumping so I am worried about her foot. And also her compulsiveness, which she gets from him….
Tbh I can’t get involved I feel so awful so I guess I will just have to hope and pray. Once I am out a week today I can see what’s what.
My DH always ‘knows best’ about everything. He doesn’t take prof advice he just does what he thinks regardless. When he broke his own foot he did too much to early. But you couldn’t tell him. So now he is taking that approach with DD and as I am unable to be bad cop because I have covid (which is a massive inconvenience to everyone it seems) she is taking full advantage. This happens over and over again.

Oh well done @Rollergirl11 with the weight.

@Lottsbiffandsmudge so sorry that you caught it and that you're feeling so rotten. As you say, take some solace from the fact that you got it now. But really, when is life going to get back to some sort of normality - Covid and ED is a crippling combination for a family. It's all so claustrophobic.

Your husband sounds, er, unhelpful. When we're in a better place with DD's AN (when? gosh I hope so), I think DH and I should have some relationship therapy. It places so much strain on relationships and things that I find irritating about him (taking over, being authoritative with people who know more than him, relentlessly logical), have been magnified. Generally, he's been great and I've had times where I've loved him more than ever, I feel really supported at all times, but he and we are not perfect. Is your DH professionally successful perchance? Mine is and it's partly a result of these characteristics but also exaggerates them.

PS DS so far absolutely fine, eating loads. We've just done lateral flows and are still negative. So far.

Hey Lotts, sorry to hear you’re feeling so wretched. Here’s hoping you are over the worst and start to feel better soon. 🤞

My DH sounds uncannily similar in terms of thinking he knows it all. And yes Valley my DH is successful at work where I think these personality traits work to his advantage. With DH I genuinely think he has a superiority complex and is probably a narcissist if I’m brutally honest. He is very academically intelligent but has very little common sense and virtually zero emotional intelligence. All this results in him having very strong opinions on things (that he really shouldn’t) but because he always just naturally assumes he’s right about everything (superiority complex) he doesn’t bother to do any research on anything because why would he if he’s always right? It makes for a very narrow-minded black & white view on most things and is unbelievably frustrating. Especially when he refuses to admit he is ever wrong.

Wow @Rollergirl11 you have basically just described my DH….
Over the years I have become increasingly disillusioned with him. His career is everything and always has been. I and the kids have been let down so often and not prioritised over his work constantly.
I have realised that we are not really compatible but we are both the products of broken homes and I cannot do that to my kids. So I am stuck.
I am also to blame I know but as my kids near the age of leaving it becomes more and more apparent to me that my life will have little left once they leave. Scary stuff tbh.
Anyway my priority now has to be getting well and out of isolation. We are going away in the caravan to the Lakes on 31st with all the kids and so hoping that will be fun….

I'm so sorry you've had to come to this realisation @Lottsbiffandsmudge with everything else that you're having to deal with.

I wonder whether it's a coincidence that we have these high-achieving but rigid-thinking husbands. DD's thinking around food and its rules is very black and white too though conversely she suffers from very low self-esteem rather than DH's self-belief.

We're pretty bored of isolation too, only glad that we've got more space here than at home and a river to swim in as well as being cooler at night. I'm just so worried one of us will get it which will mean DD can't go to the clinic next week.

Is it possible that your DHs have ASD? My DH is quite rigid in his thinking, but rather than just thinking he's right, we've come to realise that he doesn't even get to the point where he thinks there is a 'wrong' opinion, he just assumes that everyone holds his opinion. It's taken several years, but we've got to the point where I can say 'not everyone thinks that....' and he is a bit baffled, but now accepts that his view might not be the only view. He's not being difficult, but his brain just doesn't get it.

Lotts ahhh that sounds tough. If it’s any consolation I too have had points in our marriage when I have pondered whether we would be better going separate ways. But ultimately I do love DH and he is a good father to our DC’s. He is just incredibly challenging to live with sometimes.

It may be that when your DC’s have flown the nest that you might feel able to have a frank and much needed discussion with your DH and then the two of you are able to concentrate on working on your marriage.

Lougle it wouldn’t surprise me if DH lies somewhere on the ASD spectrum. And given that DS has ADHD and they do say that it is usually genetic I would say that it is certainly likely.

Valley I think it’s certainly something that is worthy of consideration but not entirely sure what link is to be made. I think DD is definitely a perfectionist and I think that DH has those tendencies too. They are both undoubtedly high-achieving in terms of work ethic and aspirations.

No over achieving husband here or any sort of husband/father!! I am definitely not a perfectionist or high achiever either 🤷‍♀️

Dds never met her dad (his choice) and I've wondered if that's had an impact on her self esteem.

I think it's only natural to look for reasons why our kids have developed this horrible illness but worth remembering that the only proven cause of anorexia is weight loss.

Lots sorry to hear you're feeling so rough and your dh is being a pain. Hopefully you've done enough work that dd can withstand this set back. Please don't resign yourself to a marriage that doesn't make you happy, what would you say to your dd if she were in your situation?

I found one of dds vitamins stashed in her bedroom earlier, so pissed off! Honestly what possible reason can she have for not swallowing a bloody vitamin tablet?!!

Roller Lotts that's my dh as well. Relationship therapy definitely needed somewhere later down the line.

Dh doesn't have ASD, I don't think, although we do joke about the fact that he will have the same lunch every day for a year.

A friend is always advising that we have couples therapy now as a mentally ill child puts such a strain on relationships. And I think, if I've got time with DH away from the oppressive strictures of the meal plan, I'm sure as hell not going to spend it talking to tilted-head person about my feelings. I'm off drinking or having a delicious meal or hanging out with friends or playing tennis with him, thanks.

Hey everybody. You might remember I posted six weeks or so ago about my DD who is 9, having just discovered that she'd become seriously underweight. Just wanted to say thanks so much for all your supportive advice. As I'm sure you'll all understand I found everything quite overwhelming and couldn't bring myself to post replies at the time, but I have been lurking and really appreciate this thread.

Feeling in a sort of limbo at the moment as although we have seen the GP (fairly useless, did a bit of a sad face and told us she's very underweight and needs to eat more. Um, well, yeah that's why I made the appointment!), it's still another week until our appointment to speak to someone from the Maudsley. Her WFH when I contacted them was I think 72% but nobody seems to be treating this as an emergency except for me, despite all the stuff I read about how dangerous that is. I know in the end it's going to be down to us to do the hard work, but I can't help feeling that I've shouted 'fire' and had the response that someone will get back to me in a month to discuss whether they can supply a bucket of water

Anyway, we are cracking on and she is, thankfully, eating regularly and pretty well. Some days better than others. Still some resistance to things she regards as 'unhealthy', although we have made some inroads and got the odd chocolate, ice cream and pudding into her, and I'm gradually cranking up the average daily calories. Of all the parenting challenges I thought I would face, I didn't think that trying to persuade my nine-year-old to eat more dessert would be one of them!

She's gained a bit of weight, about a kilo. I'm hoping it might actually be a bit more now as the last time I weighed her was the beginning of last week and she's been doing really well since then. I'm trying to hold off getting the scales out too often. But it feels like at this rate it will be a very slow slog to get her up to anywhere near 100%.

I think she's still too active, really. She's been going to school, doing PE, kicking a ball around the garden every morning. I'm a bit lost on how hard to crack down on this. Stuff I'm reading suggests she should be out of school, on bed rest, in a wheelchair etc, but the GP didn't suggest anything of the kind. I feel like I'd be overreacting to just pull her out without backing from some kind of medical person, especially when it was being stuck at home out of school that was at least a partial trigger for this whole thing.

Behaviourally I've seen a massive difference already - her personality is shining through again and she's just so much more engaged with everything. She's reading more, drawing, making things. We're playing lots of board and table-top games together. Makes me weep that she'd got so lost and it took me so long to notice, but obviously this is also all great stuff that makes me think we're on the right track to getting her better. Now she just needs to put on some ruddy weight!

Hi @ItRainedForever that pounds like amazing progress. The return of her personality and interest in things was the first sign my DD was getting there. Well done for gradually increasing her cals and getting fear foods into her.
I would just say ‘keep going’. A kilo (and maybe more) in 6 weeks is great going! it takes a while to get weigh gain moving as the body grabs all the increased nutrition to repair itself before gaining weight.
I am sure the maudsley will just say to do what you have been doing anyway but the lack of support is shocking.
Keep feeding her. Keep getting the fats into her (esp animal fats) and she will come back to you in full I am sure.
All my DDs ridiculously compulsive exercise behaviours quietened with weight gain. We did tackle them in the height of her illness to speed up the weight gain but she was allowed activity. We focused on coached, family or peer based physical activity to remove the likelihood of compulsiveness. We were in lockdown though so no school or PE etc. She must be off for summer soon? I would try to focus on food and fun times during the summer…
I know a lot of people rule out exercise completely but we never did, although it isn’t ideal if she is not being medically monitored.
I am laid up with covid and my DD is running the kitchen and feeding everyone and managing her own food completely independently.
This would have been impossible even 2 months ago. Our journey has taken 7 months from diagnosis to wr and getting independence food back (albeit by me becoming poorly).
She still has only eaten out once and not had take away so there are still things to tackle but you can see the timeframes involved. I believe this is quite quick….but I also read that younger patients tend to have a better prognosis.

Oh and we all feel the guilt. Try to let it go. It’s a serious mental illness triggered by weight loss. Which can be because of many factors. These lockdowns have had such a shocking impact on kids.
Be kind to yourself and know that you are doing exactly what your girl needs now and she will get better because of that.

Thanks @Lottsbiffandsmudge

Hope you're not feeling too rotten. Sounds like your DD has stepped up brilliantly

Good to know that she's done so well while still maintaining some activity. It's so hard to know the best path. Yes, term finally ends on Friday so I will be trying to encourage some nice quiet days at home with lots of snacks and sedentary pursuits!

Well done @ItRainedForever - I hope progress continues in same vein.

Just popping by - sorry to hear of those whose DH/DP's are furrowing their own path with this. I've said before parenting a single child with an ED where both parents are on board is hard enough - those of you who are parenting other children and/or have to manage/work around partners behaviours - well I doff my cap to you all.

Things are going okay here (typed well but then thought, no may jinx it!)

DD has got a job so more independence, structure to her day, socialising more and a romance is brewing. All of which is giving her good vibes and reduces her exercise compulsion. All of which are also messing up here 3 snacks and 3 meals but DD is recognising when she's not eating enough and correcting herself more.

Non ED story - She's also volunteering one day a week in a charity shop but had an ewww moment this week. A guy came into the shop, fairly regular customer by all accounts. Not even sure if DD spoke with him.He clocked her name badge, found her on social media and started messaging her and asked if she was single. He's much older than her and has a kid. WHAT A CREEP I mean who would do that, after if anything exchanging no more than a couple of words?? Anyway, charity have been great, suggested she doesn't go into that shop for a few weeks, but have relocated her so she can carry on & have said if he tries to contact her again they'll report etc

Hi everyone, just popping in. Going ok here. Still maintaining.

@ItRainedForever take any gain you get and please don't feel guilty - we all do and we all shouldn't.

@Lottsbiffandsmudge that's amazing - if we weren't around to force her, DD would starve. She's admitted that she only eats when we force her in fact. I think if we suddenly didn't through illness or whatever, it would be really hard for her because she knows on one level she needs/wants to eat but she wouldn't be able to justify it to herself.

@myrtleWilson the horrible perve! Good for her for reporting and having a job etc. Really big steps.