Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

Hi,
I've been reading this thread over the past few days...I don't have children and came across Mumsnet as I'm single and have started to consider going down the IVF route to become a single Mum.

I'm just turned 39 and have a long history of eating disorders. Bulimia from 14, hospitalised on private insurance at 24, went on to develop anorexia (with bulimic symptoms) at 25 and had 2 inpatient stays. I came out of hospital in 2011 when I was 27, relapsed straight away but managed to keep ok and avoid hospital. I was basically a functioning anorexic - not emaciated but using exercise and restriction to maintain a weight lower than was natural.

In January 2016 I relapsed again and during my recovery that Spring, I came across Tabitha Farrar's first book 'Love Fat'. Somehow, I managed to embrace eating what I wanted, accepted the weight gain and the bloat and became what I thought was fully recovered. I trained and qualified as a teacher and thought I was completely recovered.

At Christmas, I felt a bit uncomfortable in my skin and was bigger than normal. I was just going to 'drop a few pounds' by eating less and moving more. This has escalated very quickly, I'm now back under the care of eating disorders services - mainly due to my history rather than my weight (underweight but not dangerously so). My main concern is that I am a teacher. And since I started teaching I have been quite honest with other staff about my past because I so thought I was recovered. My friends started asking questions months ago and I feel very exposed because when we broke up in July it was becoming more obvious.

The plan was to maintain my weight, but at the start of the summer my Dad died and I have channelled everything into my eating disorder. I've lost more weight and will struggle to hide the fact I have a problem when schools re-open. I feel awful, like the most terrible role model. Last week was hopefully my rock bottom and I'm trying to turn things around and eat more and stop losing weight, but in terms of where my head is at, I am in a very anorexic place.

Wow, this has turned into quite the ramble. I saw a couple of other teachers had posted and I wondered what your school / headteacher's reaction was?

Hi @pinkflamingo83 I can't reply right now but can definitely relate and contribute my experience including of a serious relapse mid academic year. You're not alone but it's very lonely.

@pinkflamingo83 I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad

Hey @pinkflamingo83. What a horrible time you've had and I'm so sorry for your loss too. It's good you're getting some care in real life, and I hope it's upwards from here.

I'm not a teacher but in your position I think I'd be proactively talking to my boss (so your headteacher) before turning up in a few weeks looking unwell. You could tell them things have been bad but you're working on it with the MH team - maybe they can work out ways to support you and also ask other colleagues just not to mention it?

Hope your ankle is okay today @TheOrigRights.

Keep going everyone

Hi @pinkflamingo83 , just wanted to say that I read your thread too and I’m really sorry for your loss and hope you’re okay.

I so relate to the panic about going back to school (in my case as a student years ago) and feeling that my body might be commented on, either for being ‘too fat’ or ‘too thin’. Of course, I didn’t have the added worry about being a role model. I hope the school finds a way to work with you on this and to handle the matter with the sensitivity it deserves.

I’m kind of joining this thread, hoping for some support at the moment, or just people to talk to. I’m seven years in recovery from anorexia and bulimia after in-house treatment. I was sick for my whole childhood and throughout my 20s so the fact that I’m in recovery is still unfathomable to me.

However, I’m three months post partum and the obsession around food and weight has really kicked into gear again. I feel so uncomfortable with the baby weight, and I took the step to weigh myself for the first time in seven years so that I could start on a responsible and reasonable eating plan to slowly lose weight. It’s nothing extreme at all - aiming for very slow weight loss.

At first I was really proud of seeing my weight and not totally freaking out about it, but one month in to the plan and I’m already finding myself returning to the ED mindset and being preoccupied with my weight etc all the time. I just find it so frustrating and scary. I should be able to just be on a healthy eating plan to drop a bit of weight and it not be such an issue. I feel like every time I think I’ve progressed in recovery something happens which makes me realise the ED (though fairly dormant compared to where it was) is still very much there. I’m also desperate not to be engaging in excessive calorie counting / food obsession in front of my baby daughter especially as she gets older and more aware.

Anyway, does anyone have any experience with this? Healthy eating / losing weight sensibly with an eating disorder. Please tell me if I’m on the wrong thread, the last thing I want to do is trigger anyone obviously.

P.S it’s my birthday today, and my DP is taking me out to lunch with our baby - all I can think about is whether the food on offer will fit into my plan and how guilty it’s likely to make me feel if I indulge.

Happy birthday @CinnamonSquared

I'm sorry the ED is attacking again. I know how hard this stuff is and there are no easy answers.

For today, would it help if an internet stranger gave you permission to go and have a lovely birthday lunch today and focus on the delicious taste of food, your lovely baby and husband instead? Or even make it an instruction to do that? Because if so, I'd love to do that.

You'll only ever have one "first birthday as a mum" and you have absolute DECADES to lose weight again if you need to (which I'd bet you don't).

You need to focus on looking after your body which is still recovering from one of the most incredible and difficult things you will ever do, and you need nutrients to protect you and your child. And if you're breastfeeding then weight loss is a whole different ballgame anyway from what I've read on here.

Possibly one way to start tackling food going forward without counting calories, what if you switch to a rule of eating as much as you want of vegetables and protein like cheese, eggs, salmon, chicken, etc? No calorie counting whatsoever, but cut out sugar and overly processed foods?

But I don't think if you need to do that right now and I apologise if saying this sort of stuff on this thread isn't okay, if not I hope someone comes and slaps my wrist.

I think keeping you and your daughter alive is the main thing.

Ps I can get that post deleted if anyone wants me to.

@CinnamonSquared Happiest of Birthdays.
I am afraid I don't have experience with your specific situation, but you describe the mindset so well - it's really hit home.

I don't know - in my mind I see you with your sweet baby and lovely husband at one end of a bridge, and the anorexia at the other end calling you (like those mermaids calling the sailors into the rocks).

You need a meteorite to land on that bridge so you can't get over. Not just a wait and see approach but a 'fuck you, I'm not having this' one.

I think what would help me would be to write some lists - pros and cons. The process of writing your thoughts down can really help sort out all the things going on in your head. Put some big circles round the things that have helped you in the past.

If you do find yourself slipping in a way that feels out of your control then please do seek help.

@pinkflamingo83 I am a low weight "functioning" anorexic, 40 years old, one child and teaching many years. A couple of years ago I reached a critical point where the weight was just too low. My consultant wrote a letter for me to give to SLT explaining severe enduring anorexia. I was at risk of sudden death and had to have half a term off to stabilise. Unlike you, my decline was gradual but unbeknown to me, a trusted member of SLT who knew had made provisional cover plans seeing I was getting very unwell. The school was very supportive and so were parents (primary). Depending on the age of the students, they may or may not have their own ideas but the school will be very diplomatic and if you need time off, communicate that how you wish. In my case, we drafted the email together and no one knew anything other than I was taking sick leave for medical treatment. People may speculate but you don't need to say anything you're not comfortable with.
I haven't been off work since although am still as stuck in my ED sadly.
You sound determined to get on track and IVF is a super idea if you are considering becoming a single mum-all for you if and when you embark on your journey x
Happy to answer any questions DM if you need x

The number of teachers… I think there must be a research need there. My DN is a teacher .

@TheOrigRights thank you for your PM and your last post was so thoughtful.

my DS has said there is so little to do until she is prepared to do anything. She eats, very regularly, but it’s very low fat, very regimented. I think it may be orthodoxia from a bit of Googling. Does anything have any experience of this?she eats the same thing almost every day…

huge volume of salad for lunch with low fat meats
lots of fruit
enormous bowl of steamed veg for dinner with a low fat microwave meal
more fruit
a low fat yoghurt

my sister suspects that occasionally she binges but again - all “good” food ie multiple bowls of muesli and oat milk, multiple bags of rice cakes eyc.

does this sound like orthorexia? If so, what on earth is support like this this?

@frozengraper @TheOrigRights

Thanks guys, wasn’t a great day to be honest. My DP is monumentally rubbish at birthdays (I think the pressure gets to him) and he ended up booking a restaurant where I could only eat two things - two things which I’m not fond of - not an ED restriction, rather that my baby is allergic to cow milk protein and soy (or so we think). I was pretty irritated but honestly it just made my decision of what to eat easier, I just didn’t really enjoy it.

Annnnyyywwaayy, @frozengraper Thank you for your advice. It didn’t trigger me at all but I do wonder if restricting any food group with set me off right now. You’re so right about breastfeeding, I was prepared for any baby weight to melt away seamlessly and that hasn’t been my experience at all. I feel lied to! But you’re right, the most important thing is making sure baby girl is well fed and to do that I need milk and to have milk I need to keep eating, it’s the thought that is stopping me from restricting, long may it last!

@TheOrigRights despite my current annoyance with DP, you’re right, I do have a lot of things I never would have been able to have in the height of my ED and I can’t let it back in. I do still have harder months and easier months but it’s been a while since I’ve felt so drawn to the ED. Maybe it’s about control, as I have very little now. It always feels like I’m at the beck and call of my daughter, and even though I adore her, that can sometimes feel stifling - I was used to being very independent before. Although of course I’ll get more and more freedom now that we’re out of the newborn stage. Anyway, I’ll do the pros and cons list, might also have to start a daily gratitude list and attend some OA or ABA to get back on track.

@Endlesslypatient82 i don’t have any experience with orthorexia myself but eating the same restrictive diet every day does sound very ED. And all disorders are kind of under the same umbrella anyway. But I wouldn’t want to diagnose your niece as I don’t know her. Orthorexia is a recognised disorder these days and one which her GP should be able to advise treatment for (if this is indeed what’s going on). Alternatively there are amazing private therapists who specialise in all EDs if your sister can find the money. And there are also 12 step programs like overeaters anonymous (OA) and anorexics and bulimics anonymous (ABA) that hold groups to which all ED sufferers of any description are welcome. I’ve found those really helpful in the past, especially in getting peer support.

@CinnamonSquared firstly, congratulations on being in recovery and for having a healthy baby - that is such a huge achievement in itself! There is a huge amount of research that shows that people in recovery from anorexia can never allow themselves to get into an energy deficit again because the negative energy balance can have the effect of tipping that person back into the eating disordered cycle without them even being aware - that may be why your thoughts are so prominent right now. Ultimately, it is far more damaging for us to eat too little than 'too much'. I would really urge you to do some research on this if you need some external justification to eat normally and let your body do its thing in this post partum phase.

@pinkflamingo83 I'm so sorry to hear what an awful time you've had of it lately. I used to be a teacher and deteriorated quite rapidly during that time. My school was nothing but supportive so I would really encourage you to be honest with your Headteacher and Head of Dept about your current struggles. I ended up leaving teaching as I didn't feel that the demands of teaching fitted my needs in recovery but that wasn't through the fault of the school and was more of a reflection of how ill I was and how much structure and support I needed with refeeding.

@CinnamonSquared sorry to hear that! What a shame I'm glad the breastfeeding is keeping you on the right path for now at least. It would make sense that it's a control thing coming back at a time when you don't feel like you have much control over life - maybe you could try to control something else instead? Practicing gentle recovery exercises, carefully perfecting slow yoga moves?

I ate a whole pizza and box of biscuits today. Posting here to try and remind myself tomorrow that this was both intentional and meant a fun time with my husband but good lord, I've had double the number normal of calories and need to not panic and purge now. Keep going everyone 💪

@CinnamonSquared for the record, breastfeeding gave me a voracious appetite and i didn't lose weight! I wasn't well while pregnant although my DD was and is fine. Looking back at it in a positive light, it broke the rigidity that hadn't been done in over a decade. Also when my Dd weaned, I had an unquestionable need to taste her food before giving it to her-it must have been a nurturing urge that I could not risk feeding her something that wasn't ok. Anyway, that put me into a new pattern of general 'tasting' and picking which led me to gain weight over some months to my highest Bmi (for perspective that was 16 but for me was intolerable) However, I had barely any intrusive food thoughts, it was the most normal I felt... I think I was scared of not having the control any more and decided to lose the weight. Bad idea, I've been back in a stable, v low and totally preoccupied phase since, for the past 12 years. My point and advice is be careful. Maybe tolerating my higher weight would have been a smaller price to pay than how I live- functioning at a great effort and without joy.

@nutmegx I'm intrigued to know how you were able to conceive and carry a baby to term at such a low weight. I am a healthy BMI (albeit on the low side) and haven't had a period for 18 years

@frozengraper yoga is definitely a good idea, I used to love Yoga with Adrienne. Well done on relaxing your food rules, that can be so difficult. I hope you enjoyed your pizza and biscuits and that you’ve had a nice time with your husband!

@nutmegx i can’t believe you went through pregnancy whilst restricting, the morning sickness made me eat all the time. You must have been so stressed, I really feel for you (or past you). The midwives did repeatedly say that the babies take everything from you if you don’t eat enough, so if you’re restricting, I guess that’s what happens. You must have been so exhausted by the time the labour happened!
You’re totally right about tolerating a higher weight, I’ve been nowhere near my lowest for 7 years, but after pregnancy I’m at a BMI of 27 which I find hard because it is classed overweight. I do believe that my body will find a set point (or I try to believe that), I’ve always been on the smaller side so hopefully things will just return to that. Eugghh, I just hate it - especially in summer!

@wonderingwanderer2 the medics have no idea either. Basically it was unexpected because I wasn't having periods and was about bmi 14. Luckily I had an amazing ED dietician who helped me cope every step and back then my diet was restricted in calories but balanced. I was closely monitored too. I had a normal birth, small but healthy baby and breastfeeding was easy but I struggled with oversupply from my AA chest! I'm not boasting just stating the ridiculousness of how my body coped. I was lucky and I am grateful I was the exception as I understand the heartbreak for many struggling with conception and pregnancy xxx

@CinnamonSquared I honestly wish I had put up with the disconnect with my bigger body. The female body is amazing in what it is capable of (and that's ignoring our resilience and strength psychologically in all aspects of life) With a baby I realised the worth of my body without reference to weight. Literally your child will not judge you on your weight or size. I still hope for improving my diet and loosening fear of weight gain. I don't want to be an elderly anorexic. I never imagined I'd be like this at 40.

@nutmegx that really is amazing! It is a big fear of mine that I may have made myself infertile.

@CinnamonSquared I can understand why you are uncomfortable being a BMI that is classed as 'overweight' but I really feel that we (anorexics, doctors, medical professionals) place far too much importance on the BMI scale when it really is no measure of health or weight. My boyfriend is classed as overweight on the BMI scale and he is nothing of the sort! I also have a friend who is classed as overweight according to the BMI scale and she isn't at all. There are many flaws with the using BMI to measure health and weight, the NHS just uses it, despite its inaccuracy, because it's cheap and easy.

I was looking for the best place to post this when I found this thread, which seems more appropriate than the dieting area or the general eating disorder area aimed at parents rather than adult sufferers I assume. But I have imposter syndrome about posting as don't consider myself to have an ED any more, or only very mild, but more disordered eating than anything. I do have a history of both anorexia and bulimia and have had treatment, hospital etc in younger years, but haven't been anywhere near that bad in a very long time, though can still be prone to bulimia relapses if I'm not careful.

For the last two years I've had some of my behaviours back with restriction and obsession etc, but no different than many non-disordered dieters in my opinion. Most of the time, I have no intention of getting back to a dangerously low BMI, but I do have a great fear of gaining weight from wherever I'm at as I'm worried it will spiral and it all feeds into low self worth etc. I've been maintaining a slightly underweight BMI for all of that time, but rarely below a 17 and never below 16 in this 'lapse' (don't think it's bad enough to class it a relapse).

However, I'm tired of being a slave to numbers, of having to weigh everything, obsessing over calories, panic attacks in the kitchen, never being able to eat out and just enjoy myself - it's not worth it to maintain this BMI. I feel like I'm at a crossroads of either give into the disorder that wants to return, so at least have the weight loss to go with the crapped up life, or to just let go, eat normally, take the weight gain and enjoy life. I definitely don't want to get sick, and I know logically I would be fine to gain a bit of weight, so I'm trying my best to go down that road.

But that's where the bulimia comes in. As soon as I allow myself to let go, and lift all the many food rules I have set for myself, it's like my brain doesn't know when to stop. I don't get normal hunger or fullness queues so I have to artificially control myself to a degree otherwise I'll just eat forever, I can consume several thousand calories in a sitting before I feel full, but when I try to stop controlling myself then I lose control and binge & purge. No amount of self-kindness or common sense will override that as it's like a monster takes over that I can't control. For me, bulimia is the worst of all worlds, so that flips me back into restriction, and the cycle repeats.

I've tried just setting myself healthy goals on the various apps (or even just in a notebook) and keeping some degree of control that way but shooting for a higher intake, but logging food is a big AN behaviour for me and it always always ends up a worsening of those behaviours. I don't even know what is a healthy range to aim for as I'm short and fairly sedentary and to maintain weight (even when inputting a fake BMI of 18.5) most calculators suggest eating no more than about 1,500 a day, which is a really hard target for me as it still requires self control not to exceed that threshold (go into a restaurant and many meals will be that number of calories in one sitting!), but when I leave my self control button switched on, it's beating me up if I hit four digits, and when I'm in the hundreds then it ends up being a race to the bottom, 800 one week, 600 the next, and soon I'm a pig if I eat more than 300, which I know is unhealthy, so I release the self control button, and again the cycle repeats. (Which is precisely why I'm maintaining and not losing weight any more)

Has anyone been here before who can offer any seeds of wisdom? It's annoying because I've recovered from far worse before, but that was only possible by deteriorating to the point where I needed inpatient treatment, I never even managed it with outpatient alone. I'm nowhere near that bad now and I'm ignoring the voice that is telling me I need to get that bad so I can get the treatment. I mentioned that I'm struggling to my GP a while back, who weighed me in BMI 16s and did my bloods and said he wasn't worried. I'm far older now than I was then, and clearly the mental healthcare just isn't there for adults with only moderate issues, so I need to figure out a way of doing this on my own.

Hello @LittleMissSushi
I don't have time to write a more considerate response now, but rather than risk not getting around to replying at all, I just wanted to suggest that you ask your GP to refer you to your adult ED team. I know provision varies massively across the country, but I have had absolutely excellent support from 2 different counties (well one excellent and one less so, but there were other factors at play).

I do think you would benefit from community support. It's fucking hard to do it on your own. Like me I imagine you know EXACTLY what you need to do, and have truck loads of self awareness, it's just the doing it that proves to be very, very hard.

And yes, this is absolutely the thread for you.

Hi @LittleMissSushi gosh you sound at a similar crossroads to me. I don't binge but do 'pick' which means I don't lose despite a very meagre 'permitted' calorie allowance. I also feel the need to be rock bottom to feel worthy of getting better. I'm not at my lowest so not thin in my eyes so it seems like I may as well be heavier and healthier but there's always the nagging OR I may as well get to death's doorstep again before deciding... it's very very hard.

How's everyone doing?

I'm struggling again at the moment.

Going to try one more time to talk to the GP on Monday and hope they frighten some sense into me.

Not that I should need that, but I feel like I need someone to assess me, tell me if I am actually thin or not.

@frozengraper do seek advice if this is what you need. It's just as valid that you've acknowledged things aren't going well. Hold onto that if a healthcare professional does not appreciate the severity of what you are going through.
I'm same as always but haven't weighed for about 6 weeks. I feel so big I can't bear to see the number. Part of me thinks I should leave numbers behind for good. The other is longing to get this weight off.