Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

It's on the NHS, which, along with everyone else, I have waited a long time for, so I feel I need to give it my all. A couple of years ago I had some therapy from a charity. I was very worried about 'failing.' My therapist spent some time trying to help me refrained that, and to try and help me stop seeing everything as success or failure. I think it's quite typical of people with EDs to see everything as success or failure.

The food diaries are hard, but they get easier.

Hi @Rustnot
Glad to hear you're getting therapy.

I've done this first food diary for the dietician. I expect there will be more of that after the appointment.

If you don't mind me asking @Rustnot what kind of therapy is it? Is it CBTE or something else?

How far into the therapy are you by now? I hope it's really making a difference for you.

I'm about to start CAT. Very nervous about the appointment. I'm keeping everything crossed.

Know what you mean about success vs failure. It's very hard not to see it in those terms when it comes to whether therapy is successful or not.

It is CBTE, with some other work alongside it to try and identify the causes.

What is CAT?

It's cognitive analytic therapy. It is about getting to the cause of it and changing my response to that and repeated patterns of this.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Regarding success/failure.
My team were very keen to ensure I was ready for therapy before embarking on it, since "failing" at it would be counterproductive.
Of course it wouldn't be a failure as such, just an indication that the time wasn't right.

Did you have your appointment @thesootherfairy?

Hi @Rustnot
Yes! I had the appointment. I think it went well. I have another appointment next week so I guess this means she has decided to take me on.

I have an appointment with the dietician tomorrow. I'm very nervous. I hope it will be ok.

Hopefully I'll make some progress soon.

How are you @Rustnot? Still managing not to purge too much? I hope you're doing ok.

So had the dietician appointment yesterday. She was kind and knowledgeable.

She had this big book she gave to me to fill in. And she set up this app for recording all meals etc.

I'm completely overwhelmed and out of my depth.

I can't fill the book in because I can't describe and don't know exactly how my Ed started or why. And I don't actually know what triggers it. It's just been there for so long and pretty always there I don't have thoughts about it. It's just automatic. That's if I have triggers.

The app thing is so stressful. It's constantly dinging and messaging and emailing me. It had all these tasks. Eat this now and drink that now and do this now and eat your food mindfully and write this down.

I can't do any of it. I can't eat all those meals and snacks. I definitely can't sit and think about shape and texture and flavour of food. I prefer not to think about it at all. I find it too stressful and I'd end up eating nothing at all if I had to sit and do all of that. I always brush my teeth after eating and floss because I don't want any of the taste in my mouth because I don't want to be reminded of it.

It is putting me off eating anything at all because I know i have to put all of this in the app and she insisted I take photos of everything I eat and drink.

This isn't possible. Wtf would I tell my children and what kind of an example would that be to constantly be taking photos of food. And I can't do it at work because I own my own business and I can't let my staff see that kind of behaviour.

I don't know what to do. It would be a full time job to fill all of that in.

Most of the book doesn't really apply. The first section has 6 a4 pages about social media. And two a4 pages to fill in about social media. I don't use social media. I don't look up food recipes look at food photos and I don't give two hoots about what other people do with themselves in relation to food on Instagram or wherever.

This isn't going very well.

Is this an NHS dietician? It does seem overly intense and much of it not relevant to you.
Did she discuss it with you or just tell you to do it?

Any task I was asked to do was discussed fully with me beforehand - the aim, the expectations, exactly what I would need to do, and we would talk about whether it was something I felt I could do. And boy did they start with baby steps.

You need to tell her you can't do it.

e.g. shifting a regimented eating time 10 mins earlier.

I think the regular eating and recording are fairly standard for treatment, but it is hard to do. I do all my recording on paper - I was given the choice of that or an app. It does sound very full on very quickly. Try and pick a bit that you can do, and do that. Maybe the recording, as I think that's important.

Yes, I agree, keeping a food diary is useful.
Adding notes as you go is also really useful.

@TheOrigRights not NHS. They discharged me months ago because they couldn't deal with adults over 25.

This is private via medical ins company.

I've only had the one appointment with her. She didn't show me the book first or the app. She gave me the book as I was leaving and said fill section 0 and Section 1 in immediately. Turns out they run over 25 pages! There is a lot of stuff which isn't relevant. There is also a lot of stuff I cannot answer because I've only just started therapy and have no idea.

She mentioned the app. She then sent me a link to it and had everything set up for me. Very much appreciated that. It's just that this app has all these reminders which pop up on the screen. As in reminders that it's meal time or snack time and eat eat eat. It's too much.

It also wants a lot of information. It wants to know all sorts of things about emotions. It has set times for inputting all of this stuff 6 to 8 times a day. Far too time consuming.

It's making me feel so stressed. It's like one of those bad work WhatsApp groups gone wrong where people message you relentlessly after hours and you can't switch off.

It also wants photos of everything I eat.

I can't really take photos on my phone in front of the children. It would set a very bad example for my 12yo DD.

I think this app was devised with a much younger audience in mind. Ie people born in the digital age not the 1970s.

Just do what you can but make sure you tell the dietician what you've told us.

@TheOrigRights
Thank you.
I took a breath and looked at the app. You can turn off all those notifications so they don't ping up. Did that and am just logging what I eat. That's fine and it's much less stress inducing that way.

I am not really sure what to do with the book. I am not seeing her for a couple of weeks so I have time to think.

Psychiatrist has gone to ground. He was supposed to have phoned me today. Guess he forgot.

Hi Can't decide if I'm someone that's lost their way or riding a constant roller-coaster. I started a thread about... Well.. I'm not really sure. I am struggling being a parent that has a history of anorexia. The constant shopping, meal planning, being the provider of snacks for a fussy 5 year old and an 8 year old with an insatiable appetite. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and the short version is realising that whilst I am capable of maintaining a low, but healthy weight, I still very much have a disordered relationship with food and this is ruining my life. I don't have a life at the moment in the sense that my anxiety and restrictive behaviours (and covid) have resulted in my world getting smaller and smaller. I do everything I have to do, and noone would really know there is anything wrong with me, but there is. And I can't keep on like this. So, hope you don't mind me joining.

Hello @mrsdiddlydoo

I can't write much now; I just wanted to say hello and give a welcome.

Welcome @mrsdiddlydoo sorry you find yourself here.

Feel free to vent and moan. If you're anything like me, you won't have any one IRL to speak to properly on this.

Advice from me. Seek help but privately. NHS mostly isn't set up to cater for proper grown ups with EDs. This is area dependent. There are a few on here who have stuck lucky but mostly is poor show.

Don't waste a year like I did and end up worse than before.

@mrsdiddlydoo some advice that I got early on in treatment was to try and get back to interests and hobbies to start to take back some of the space the ED takes up. I am in a very different position as I don't have children dependent on me, but if there's anything you can add in to your day it might help to make that ED voice a bit smaller.

How is the recording going @thesootherfairy?

I bought a fear food in this week's shop and was fully planning on eating it but I'm having a massive mental block. It's still sat in my fridge and as ridiculous as it sounds, it's stressing me out. I wonder if I should just throw it away.

Hope you're OK @TheOrigRights

@Rustnot
Don't throw it away! Tell me what it is. You can do it. Even if you don't eat all of it and you only try a little bit.

I totally understand why it would stress you out having to think about it.

It probably isn't even that it's there. It's that it is there and you're supposed to eat it that's stressing you out

The recording is coming along. It has actually been really shocking to see it written down like that. I suppose you tell yourself it's not that bad but seeing it like that, is awful.
The app records disordered behaviour and there's a chart. Mine is littered with disordered behaviour.

It made me sad to that I'm so unwell. And so unwell I've been thinking this is all ok.

@Rustnot
What was the thought process that made you buy the fear food?

Professionals would probably tell you that you don't have to make yourself eat it, but to sit with the uneasy feelings, to recognise them and to see that the world doesn't implode. Then try the process again and see if you can get a bit further e.g. one bite.

I'd probably chuck the fucker out, give myself a bit of a hard time and then praise myself for actually buying it in the first place. Small steps and all that.

@thesootherfairy
I know exactly what you mean about recording things. It forces you to face up to what you already know inside, and can make you feel very, very uneasy. It's part of the process I think. Denial and secrecy are such large parts of EDs so acknowledging to yourself, never mind anyone else is a big deal.
Filling the reports though is a really positive sign that you are willing to engage with the help.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I've had a rubbish day... 48 hours. Just trying to get through them knowing this patch of low mood will get better soon.

@Rustnot I'd buy the fear food. Put it in the fridge. Not let anyone eat it and then when I'm ready it would probably be out of date. Its really good that you bought it. Your advice about taking back some space is exactly what I am trying to do at the moment. It feels so hard though.

I've had to squirrel myself away this evening because everyone is doing my head in.

@thesootherfairy I agree with TheOrigRights above. It's a really positive step filling the records in.

It's only a bloody sweet potato! I know if I don't eat it I'll really tell myself off but also eating it just feels too much. I set myself up for lose lose situations a lot.

@thesootherfairy well done with the recording. I hope this is the start of recovery for you.

@mrsdiddlydoo sorry you're having a tough day. I hope you get to relax a bit tonight

I set myself up for lose lose situations a lot.

Me too. Self sabotage.

@Rustnot sweet potato wedges with chilli paprika and salt. Or some shop bought Mexican spice mix. Roasted.
Actually quite nice. Not too scary either once it's in wedge shapes.

@TheOrigRights and @mrsdiddlydoo
I'm really trying. It's been such a shock to write this all down and see how disordered my eating really is.

Dietician has messaged me. She wants me to try and add more food in. I skip too many meals. Hopefully I can do it.

@TheOrigRights

I set myself up for lose lose situations a lot.

Me too. Self sabotage.

Anyone else self sabotage with socialising?

By this I mean

You have arranged to go out for dinner
You think about it, check the menus, get anxious about it but also look forward to seeing your friends
Then
On the day
For some I know reason you have a bigger breakfast and lunch than normal
Then stress that you will also be having dinner out

So you cancel.