God I hate my life.
I sat on the edge of a cliff wanting to jump off a few days ago. A cute labrador persuaded me back to the other side of the fence because it looked genuinely concerned. I know I must sound like a right idiot but I was literally about to just jump down off the fence and go to the edge when it appeared and it looked like it was shocked and worried! I climbed back over and it ran over to me and stood next to me until its owner appeared.
Anyway, have been binge/purging followed by exercising, still, nobody would ever know I have an ED, I hate how much my life is controlled by it yet I just look chubby and have fat all over my hips and tummy no matter what I do, well, it goes a bit if I REALLY restrict but then I just end up b/p'ing eventually.
I have limited safe food, am starting to work more hours next month and work is SO hard. I can't eat safe foods cos they are wierd and everyone will think I am really odd, so I end up restricting then wanting to b/p after. I would be better off staying part time and I don't even gain money by upping my hours but what was I supposed to say when offered more hours 'I can't because actually I am a totally fucked up mess'. Fuck.
Friend was talking about EDs yesterday, worried about her DD, I was so flipping triggered I couldn't say anything, though I guess I probably have all kinds of useful tips on all the unhelpful things people can say, but people would find it hysterically funny if they know someone the size of me is all consumed by an ED.
If I am ever happy with my life it only lasts about 10 mins.
FWIW am on fluoxetine, am supposedly allowed to call Crisis Team having previously been on their case load, and am awaiting counselling, in a ridiculous ongoing rigmarole of over a year. Just kind of needed to write that down.