Triggered, Christmas, work, etc. A general ED rant that nobody will care about

[thatcoldfeeling]

God I hate my life.
I sat on the edge of a cliff wanting to jump off a few days ago. A cute labrador persuaded me back to the other side of the fence because it looked genuinely concerned. I know I must sound like a right idiot but I was literally about to just jump down off the fence and go to the edge when it appeared and it looked like it was shocked and worried! I climbed back over and it ran over to me and stood next to me until its owner appeared.
Anyway, have been binge/purging followed by exercising, still, nobody would ever know I have an ED, I hate how much my life is controlled by it yet I just look chubby and have fat all over my hips and tummy no matter what I do, well, it goes a bit if I REALLY restrict but then I just end up b/p'ing eventually.
I have limited safe food, am starting to work more hours next month and work is SO hard. I can't eat safe foods cos they are wierd and everyone will think I am really odd, so I end up restricting then wanting to b/p after. I would be better off staying part time and I don't even gain money by upping my hours but what was I supposed to say when offered more hours 'I can't because actually I am a totally fucked up mess'. Fuck.
Friend was talking about EDs yesterday, worried about her DD, I was so flipping triggered I couldn't say anything, though I guess I probably have all kinds of useful tips on all the unhelpful things people can say, but people would find it hysterically funny if they know someone the size of me is all consumed by an ED.
If I am ever happy with my life it only lasts about 10 mins.
FWIW am on fluoxetine, am supposedly allowed to call Crisis Team having previously been on their case load, and am awaiting counselling, in a ridiculous ongoing rigmarole of over a year. Just kind of needed to write that down.

sending you a hug.

Glad you didn't go over the cliff

xx

It's not even remotely funny. You need to make a plan. Back to GP or call crisis team? are there any relevant charities that could help?
I'm so sorry OP. I have a friend battling daily.

That sounds really, really rough. This time of year in general is pretty triggering.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I had a restrictive ed, then binge eating disorder then a b/p one over the space of 10ish years. Mine is part of my bpd. I am now in recovery, I can manage to eat without adding calories (although from a safe list, which is fairly substantial) I exercise a lot but not excessively and more importantly, while I often think about my weight, body image and food it doesn’t consume all my day/thoughts.

Please call the crisis team, I know they can be a bit shit, as are lots of mental health services, but try and reach out. You can get better, it’s hard but do-able x

Hello Op

I'm so glad you didn't jump off the cliff too.

If you Google distress tolerance there is a 'get self help' link that has 40 odd pages of brilliant ways to feel calmer when distressed.

What about ringing your GP and telling them about the cliff and ask for help?

Sending you much love and support. I can relate to what you're saying about not being thin but still having an ED.

Mental health issues completely suck and I'm sure Christmas makes everything a shit load worse. Call the crisis team as much as you need to for support while you're waiting for your counselling to start. Have you tried going back to your GP if you don't think your meds are helping at the moment?
Please hang onto the thought that things can get better, it's just often not as quickly as we would like xx

Eating Disorders are all encompassing aren’t they? I was where you are a few years ago, and reached absolute bottom when I realised that my body was startIng to really suffer - my teeth, my skin. Anyway, this isn’t about me.

I know EDs feel a little trite, but they’re not. They control your life, they make you anxious, miserable and restricted. Do talk to your crisis team, do get help from anywhere you can. People don’t often understand them very well, but here - people do. You are worthwhile, and you can get to a better place.

Oh, thank you so much for all of the advice and understanding and stuff, I really appreciate it! My teeth are also really bad, in the past my skin has become really dry and horrible from restricting but its not too bad at the moment, whenever I have bloods taken because of ED stuff it usually comes back fine - my body copes with my neglect amazingly well. Apart from my poor teeth.

I hate going to my GP, though also last time I spoke with the crisis team they did suggest the same and suggested increasing meds. Am already on 40mg prozac so that would be up to 60 which just sounds a bit scary. However it is also scary that I used to always know that going up to 40 made things okay, and it does help still but not like it used to (also I ran out for several days last week - that didn't help, I sank so fast and so bad hence the cliff incident). But also, I am just really rubbish at talking to my GP. I used to have panic attacks every time I went to the surgery - it got ridiculous, I would have to wait outside! Just phoning them or going to quickly put in a prescription request is hard for me.

I would LOVE to get a dog, I have twice sort of had dogs that actually belonged to the arseholes people I lived with, twice I have lived with people who neglect/don't bother with their dogs and I have ended up really attached and looking after them. Currently I have an elderly cat who really wouldn't cope with a dog in the house. I would also need to pay for dog day care which would be a small fortune. However if I stay alive long enough I would love to get a dog when my (very dear) cat does pass away. I know having a dog would really help even if that does sound like I am incredibly teenage.

It’s a good idea to help care for a dog, or volunteer at a sanctuary if you have time. The dogs will love it too :)

What happened last week is understandable if your meds had suddenly stopped - that’s scary for you, and it’s worth talking to your GP/MH team for a way to avoid it in future (repeat prescription direct to pharmacy/any GP that you would prefer to deal with?).

Keep going. It’s hard, especially at Christmas.

Running out of pills last week could well be why you feel so awful. It's less scary to increase the medication than feel suicidal
If you would desperately love a dog but can't right now would you consider volunteering for the Cinnamon Trust?

The Cinnamon Trust looks amazing! I have just downloaded the volunteer application form. I actually already volunteer in two other roles but doing very different kinds of things.

As well as having run out of meds last week I am also having a particularly horrible day today as it is the anniversary of my ex H getting arrested. He did some hideous stuff, often, but on that particular occasion he filmed it, I told a friend and she called the police. I was so scared and that feeling of fear has never really gone away even though it has been 11 years, it is ridiculous I don't have a real life. I was just startled out of a flashback by DD asking if I wanted a bath FFS.

It sounds like you were really traumatised by what happened. I'm so sorry.
Cinnamon Trust is awesome. I walked a dog for an elderly lady round the corner. She got to keep her beloved companion and I got to walk a dog (couldn't have one at the time.)

Trying to find references to volunteer. I haven't got many people I have known more than 5 years I could ask because I moved about 5 years ago, have made fuck all friends here and drifted apart from lots of my old friends :(

I weighed myself at the gym today, what a horrible mistake. Restricting, I am feeling really triggered by life.

If you moved they may well take references who have known you for a bit less than five years. They are a lovely charity.
Is there no counselling you can access sooner? Would the GP adjust medication? There maybe online help you can access. Our local system has books you can have on prescription! You can get them at the library.
You can find a way forward. You just need the support.

Counselling has been a disaster.

About 2 years ago I had CBT for bulimia. I ended up going to the GP in an absolute mess after several days non-stop binge purging. The CBT was awful, she wanted to weigh me and for me to keep a diary of what I ate. I was so triggered to just restrict because of both of those elements of it. I raised this with her and she said they can't help me. She discussed it with her manager and they sent me a letter saying it has to be like that or they can't do anything.

Then just over a year ago I was having really bad flashbacks and nightmares. GP referred me. At assessment I was referred to psychologist rather than CBT.

He then said he would refer me to some flipping other service but then forgot about me and didn't refer until I had an even bigger meltdown in March.

He finally referred me to a 'level three counselling' service. I got a letter in April telling me I had an 'assessment apt with them for a date in June. I was totally in despair - went to jump of Clifton Suspension Bridge. Obvs not successfully. Crisis team helped loads.

A few weeks before the apt in June I looked at the letter and saw I was supposed to flipping well confirm the apt or it would be cancelled. I was so upset, emailed and she offered me an appointment in July.

At that appointment she predominantly told me about her private practice and what she does privately but not with NHS patients. I am not there privately. Left feeling uneasy and with an apparent 10 week wait for regular counselling.

At pretty much the limit of 10 weeks she phoned me at work, I couldn't speak and asked if she could call me back, she told me she would be busy with her (Bloody) private clients later but would call me back the next day.

No call. Nothing.

Melt down. Crisis team. Psychiatrist, head of service (literally so confused about this all now brain has no detail).

Met a few weeks ago with the head of the service. A friend came with me but she doesn't know about the ED stuff just the flashbacks. The head of the service did say that the counselor should not have gone on about her private practice and said she would refer me to another counsellor in the service as a priority. Have heard nothing since. It has been horrible.

And yeah, upped meds is pretty much my only option :(

That sounds awful. Your mention of a specific place means you can't be that far from me. Can you access talk2gether or another local service? Are there no charities or organisations that help specifically with ED?

I'm not in the area for talk2gether unfor, I just got quite obsessed with that place and drove there after dropping off my kids at the airport with a relative .

There are no ED charities locally. There is an inpatient unit nearish and when it opened about 10 years ago (have had ED for about 12 years and also for several years as a teenager). my GP then was suggesting when it took outpatients it could be poss for me to get treatment but that has never happened. Despite her best intentions in mentioning it I would imagine however much I just spend all my time b/p'ing, I weigh too much.

Have no experience/knowledge or anything useful to add, OP, apart from best wishes and good luck..

I'm so sorry. It's mad because how unwell you are isn't defined by your weight.

Hi There thatcoldfeeling we're so sorry to hear how terrible you feel right now. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

We know support from other Mumsnetters is brilliant and we do hope you will be able to take comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Sorry for hijacking your thread thatcoldfeeling and we really hope 2018 will be much kinder to you.