Binge Eating Disorder Support 4

[IronMaggie]

Hello, and welcome to our 4th(!) support thread for those affected by Binge Eating Disorder (BED) & disordered eating.

Our manifesto - we recognise that diets are absolutely not the answer, and that overcoming food restriction can help us to have a healthier relationship with food, and with ourselves.

So join us. Share your story. Or lurk quietly in the shadows. Either way, most people feel relieved to find others who know what they're going through.

For some background reading, here are the first 3 threads:-
Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014
Thread 3 April 2015

Here are a few resources to kick off your recovery journey:

• Overcoming Binge Eating - the 'bible'; used by many Eating Disorder services' treatment programmes, this is a good place to start.
• Brain over Binge - an alternative view; the scientific approach to understanding and stopping binge urges.
• Women Food and God - an interesting look at why we overeat that resonates with many.
• Some of us also follow the blogs of coaches within the ED / body image online communities - Isabel Foxen Duke and Summer Inannen are just a couple of examples, full list of online resources to follow shortly...

Please bear in mind that most of the contributors to this thread are eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real-life support and advice from professionals.

Margo, I think those dark thoughts are quite normal, especially once you have DCs - there was a very revealing thread on here a couple of weeks ago, will try and find it. Everyone thought they were the only person to ever have those thoughts. Does your anxiety ever manifest itself in other ways?

I've been listening to some of the podcasts you linked to, and have had a series of revelations. I still find it amazing to hear people put into words exactly what I've gone through. I've had body image & wider self-esteem struggles since school and I feel like I have much better insight into it all now.

I'm in a stressful time at work and can feel myself starting to get overwhelmed by it all. But we've had a bit of a declutter at home (still lots more to be done though!), and I'm trying to focus on positive things which I think will help too. I try and write things down as I do find it helps, but even if I don't physically put pen to paper, I think about what I would have written - hopefully that has the same effect...?

Fighting, it'd be great to hear some of the highlights from the nutrition course - is it something everyone should do?

How are you all though? Hope everyone's had a good week? My DCs were ecstatic to get back to school, although they'll be tired by the end of the week. Luckily we didn't change their routine too much, so it's been an ok transition...

Hello

Ah thanks Maggie it is easy to forget than not everything we experience is the ED....The thoughts have calmed down. They are not there all the time, but sort of 'flash' across my mind in graphic horrible detail. My mum is really anxious, so I guess I take after her.

I am very into the podcasts too. I think I like how 'real' they seem compared to social media. I am sure they are edited, but as they are long people seem to be chatting away and are less guarded. I like some of the business ones too. I like this one for a diverse guest list. www.nicoleantoinette.com/podcast/

Hope the course is going well fighting? And that DC2 is settled? DD moved to pre-school and has adjusted well, aside from the lack of a nap.

Food not great here. I am starting to see a pattern in my weeks. I start off with balanced eating and doing enough exercise, by Thurs/Fri I am exhausted and it all goes to pot. The key issue here is sleep, but I just really struggling to 'give up' my evening and go to bed early enough.

I am also wondering if my Fitbit is not a good idea. I am now worrying about making 10k steps everyday.

I quite liked this article from Kelsely Miller - of the anti-diet project - about having a rational fitness challenge. She talked about once considering doing a 100 day yoga challenge, I laughed as that is the sort of thing I'd think "Yes, that sounds like a good idea" but funnily enough couldn't manage it. I am slowly accepting that such things are helpful to me.

Not that 10K steps a day isn't achievable. I just need to get more organised and leave time to walk the DC to childcare and back more often.

Anyway, hope you are all well. Do post if you are up to it. Would be good to know how you are doing....

Hello,

How is yr weekend going? Having a better few days here. Although just been out to lunch. Felt really conscious of my size after eating. It is so depressing that I still believe on some level I shouldn't eat.

On a more positive note. I saw on Instagram a free online body positive summit mentioned that is taking place with a few of the body positive ppl I mentioned above. Link below. Have signed up. Think the content is then emailed to you.

youaintyourweight.leadpages.co/yayw-summit/

Do post if you feel up to it.

Hi, not too bad here. Feeling rather worn out from the back to school changes, although DC2 has taken to it really well. I hope it been a smooth transition for everyone else with DC.

Maggie the course was great for me and I really enjoyed it. They did cover CBT, fad diets and touched lightly on how binge eating can occur. However I (personally) think its something that can be approached when we are able to cope with the discussions, later on in the recovery process. I felt ready after doing the Eating Disorder Services programme but any sooner and it would have probably felt like pressure to be better and pushed me further back. Everyone is different though and it may be a positive step earlier.
I have definitely learnt a lot and built up to a more positive view of food and eating for what I need. I use food diaries too to make sure I'm balancing things, ironically before now they didn't help me but I know others find them a support.
Its still all requires conscious effort though and doesn't happen naturally yet. We learnt that it takes 21 days to implement a change, which was helpful. Balancing the thoughts to not strive for perfection is tough sometimes, been reminding myself a lot that simply improving is enough and that will last. Also its normal to have days where I eat what I feel like, I did have a panic one day and realised I was letting old habits creep in. Its early days and work in progress but I have more of an idea of nutrition so make better choices most of the time.
If anyone feels up to it and wants to know about the course feel free to PM me. Obviously I understand its not for everyone and there is no pressure to go that route.x

Hi everyone. Still here, binges doing better, definitely fewer and far between. I've been doing the headspace mindfulness app, and that's been helping. I've also been trying hard to view any improvement as good, and not beat myself (up or try too hard) to reach perfection.

Hope you're all ok.

I've been dipping in and out of this thread for a while. Decided this morning to post and have NC to do so.
I've been struggling with my eating for about 35 years, since my mid teens. Actually I think I had issues when I was even younger but my memory isn't clear enough to be sure.

Anyway, I have the 1995 ! edition of Fairburn. I tried it half heartedly a few times but could never let go of the desire to lose weight. I'm now obese and it's very hard to shut up the diet thoughts. I also now have the current Kindle edition.
I'm rambling!

I have only just noticed that in Step 2, Fairburn tells us only eat foods that we're 'comfortable with' and later in the advice for that step he says to avoid having our binge/trigger foods around the house at this stage. Now oddly enough, although I've read this book many times I've never noticed that before. When I've tried to follow it previously I'd always given myself carte blanche to eat whatever I wanted as long as it was at my set meal/snack time.

If I'm reading it right, he's actually telling me to avoid eating my trigger foods - for now - which makes complete sense to me. I'm wondering how those of you who followed Fairburn have handled your food choices in Step 2? I've been monitoring per Step 1 now for several days and am ready to move to Step 2.

Hi FL - well done you for committing to it, especially after so long. I know a few of us have stop-started a fair bit over the last couple of years.

If I remember correctly, in Step 2, Fairburn says it doesn't so much matter what you eat as long as you stick to a regular schedule. However I have to admit I read it quite selectively the first time round, so I was effectively trying to diet at the same time, which obviously wasn't particularly helpful.

If there are foods that you know are problematic I don't see a problem with leaving them out for now - as long as it's not an extremely long list of foods, or entire food groups??

More important though, is having truly let go of the weight loss ideal - as you say, it's easier said than done. Keep us posted on how you get on - you might find that it takes a while to make the adjustment to structured meals, so give it some time...

Chance, that's such a healthy way of thinking about it - perfectionism plagues lots of us! Glad you're getting on well with headspace, I've heard lots of good reviews of it.

Margo I'm with you on lack of sleep, I'm doing terribly at the moment, and it's especially poor when work gets busier. There are just always so many things that I could be doing / feel guilty about not doing! I tried setting an alarm as a reminder to start getting ready for bed but there were just too many distractions. Let me know any techniques that you have success with...?

I've been a bit reluctant to post an update as I feel like it might jinx me like it has in the past, but let's see...

I've had a definite improvement in terms of binge size and frequency over the last few months, which I'm of course really pleased with. I wouldn't say that I'm anywhere near full recovery because I do still feel like I'm in a state of hyper-vigilance about triggers in case it all creeps up on me again. But I'm very much giving myself permission to eat, and have been much less fixated on losing weight.

I still can't bring myself to step on the scales - I think it's been about a year since I last weighed myself. I'm not sure how bad that is, in the grand scheme of things, but I'm a long way off just seeing it as a data point as Fairburn suggests. And I still have smaller clothes in my wardrobe which is probably a sign that I have more work to do. But overall, I'm in a better place than I was a few months ago.

Hope you all have fun weekends planned? I have some work & bits to do around the house, and DCs both have a couple of birthday parties each, which I have to admit I don't hugely look forward to!

Hello Chance nice to hear from you. Glad you are doing ok and & trying to battle the perfectionism.

FL33160 welcome. I am not sure I have purposely kept binge foods away, but I guess I am mindful of not having too much sweet 'treat' stuff in as that could be included in my binge choice. So I wouldn't buy a 3 for 2 on x, but I might buy one.

However, I honestly feel with myself that the foods are not the issues and actually my ED is fairly adaptable :( so the behaviour carries on, even if that food isn't there. But obviously everyone is different. Hopefully somebody else will be along to help out.

The ED CBT group I attended (based on Fairburn) said to eat what you wanted and throw away your 'mental food rule' books. I don't think they said avoid anything.

Not great here. Have realised since I started using my diary I am still binging once a week. I am sure it was less before my holiday. Really disappointed.

Rationally I know I am a good person, who is kind and tries her best to be a good mother, wife, worker, friend etc but I just cannot shake the feeling I not a good/worthy person. I feel like I am being rubbish role model to my kids too. :(

It has been a busy & stressful week at work which hasn't helped.

Hope you are feeling a bit more upbeat!

Have good weekends.

Arrh, I wrote my reply earlier and just pressed enter a while later. And then I saw your post Maggie. Fab update. Will be back.

Oh Margo, I just read your update! There are two things that strike me:

If I remember correctly, a single weekly binge means you're in a better place than you were this time last year? Is there any chance you're able to re-frame that in a positive light? Any improvement is fantastic, even if it doesn't deliver what you think of as 'perfection' (if such a thing even exists!)

And I'm honestly so incredibly outraged that you would even suggest that you're not a good person, or could be a bad role model to anyone. You do so much and constantly go out of your way to help others (this thread alone being a very good example, let alone all you do in RL), that I can't imagine how you can have such a negative perception of yourself. All the following apply: .

I know that once you've got yourself into a destructive spiral it can be hard to see a way out of it, but can I urge you, as I'm sure you've asked me to do before, to spend some time thinking positively, and perhaps writing down some of the amazing things you've achieved and positive impact you've had on the people in your life?!?

Urgh, I am a mess today. Binge ate, or maybe just over ate? Ate too much? Ate a normal amount. I don't know. I ate while really emotional and now feel terrible. But I did keep away from sugar - my go too binge food. Is that a plus? I don't know, all part of the process I guess.

I'm still finding it really hard to not concentrate on losing weight, even though I have no scales, I'm going by how I look in the mirror. Think I just need this thread to kick me up the arse and be reminded "you are not defined by your weight, but how you are as a person". But feel doubly crap as today, I feel like I was a shit person too.

Sorry for self indulgent moan. Well done everyone (posting here or not) who's feeling ok at the moment 👍

Hello chance

Sorry you had a bad day on Sat. How you feeling now? I think avoiding sugar might have helped it remain less than it could have been?

Feeling better here. Thanks for your support Maggie , it means a lot.

I came on, which might have contributed to it.

I wanted to share this. Refinery29, a newsy website has launched a campaign for more images in the media of plus size women. They say that 67% of US women are US14 or larger, yet only 2% of the images used in the media portray women of this size. Great idea!

www.refinery29.com/67-percent-project-plus-size-body-image/

How has October started for everyone?

I'm studying now and working out the balance of it all. My eating has been ok, no binges or emotional overeating lately. Doing the weight management has been a bit up and down; there's not as much input as I expected and of course any weight focused project is a little tricky to negotiate at times. I think I have a good grip on it, unless I'm due on and then it all goes to pot and I worry about being bigger and don't like what I see in the mirror. It is working, at a slow pace which is sustainable long term but mental reminders of what I'm doing and why are often needed, to keep from sliding into restrictions etc. I don't think I would have managed it without the nutrition course first.

I did have a positive day a couple of weeks ago. I was out with a large group of friends and told them I was studying the degree, in various conversations, which led to a question of my end plan. I was honest, thanks to a few drinks and said due to my own ED I wanted to help others. I talk a lot when I drink so I gave the answer when ever it came up. It was scary and a relief and everyone was positive in their reaction (I chose the right group there, with other individuals it may have bombed!). I think it even gave me a little confidence later on to be happy with myself in a nice wine bar, I was eyed up and down by some stuck up group who clearly deemed my alternative appearance (very low key that night too) too lowly for their posh establishment. I made a comment out loud about doing what I liked and got on with my evening. My sobre self is a little nervous more people know about the ED but its out there and nothing bad has happened.

Ah Fighting that's lovely. That's a crystal clear sign of full recovery, that you're able to talk about what you've been through and have come out the other side. Of course you had a positive reaction from your friends! Well done you...

I've thought a few times recently about when I'll be able to casually slip into conversation that I used to suffer from disordered eating, but I'm not there yet.

I don't have much of an update, still very busy with work and not sleeping enough. But my eating has been ok.

I've just arranged to meet up with an old friend in a few weeks, which always sends me into a bit of a tailspin - we used to be really close but our lives went in very different directions and now I tend to feel very inadequate when I see her - like I'm too large, dressed too inelegantly, don't know enough etc etc. I'm very conscious of it though, so will try to make sure it doesn't create urges to restrict, as I know it has in the past.

We've had a few beautiful sunny days here, but I'm definitely looking forward to a proper winter now! I have my woolly socks at the ready...

Margo thanks for the intro to Refinery29, I quite like that site. It's a great stance to take, and they seem to be following through too, although any celebrity features are automatically going to skew towards images of very thin / underweight women.

Chance how have you been over the last few weeks? Hopefully you're getting the sense that ups and downs are completely 'normal'? Please try not to give yourself a hard time over them...

Hi everyone. Haven't dropped by for a while but just wanted to catch up on everyone's stories. Fighting your story is really inspiring, what a great and positive set of steps you're taking.

Up and down here. Up was wearing a bikini for the first time in 40 years and deleting all the calorie counting apps. I also told a couple of close friends about the ED, they had no idea but was so good to "come clean". Bad was had a bad couple of days on holiday when felt I was spiraling out of all control and now have gone back to weighing and put the frigging apps back on.

In some ways though I feel much calmer having them there as I feel I can control my calorie\exercise intake. As some of you know, Ive mainly been down the anorexic and restrictive side of EDs but thanks to a young family and changes to life Ive gone over much more to bingeing and disordered eating. Really shows that once you're on the spectrum of EDs, you have to be so careful to watch out for a lot of other associated behaviors

So, we move to SE Asia next week and I am a bit all over the place, saying goodbye to friends and so on. Making things hard of course.

Enough about me now. Please update me on your days!

Hi there Newyear, it's really good to hear from you! Also, hugs and high fives all round for the bikini-wearing - I'm in awe!

I hope your move has gone well, and hasn't been too stressful - you must keep us posted on how your new life is going, how very exciting!

I was also going to say - if you feel better with the apps, then maybe keep them on standby, for occasional use. I don't think that tracking your intake is inherently bad, as long as you're not doing it in order to restrict.

I occasionally will log a day's meals to make sure I'm eating enough overall, and also to get a sense of how balanced I've been nutritionally. I found out last week that I'm severely anaemic, which makes so much sense based on how I've been feeling. So I'm taking supplements and also being a bit more conscious about the range of foods I eat. I had been eating lots of eggs, partly for ease, and also trying to get in more protein after strength training sessions. But then I read that they can have a side-effect of stopping iron absorption, so I might need to re-think that.

Hi Maggie so great to hear from you and to know that you are all still out there. It gives me so much comfort.
I hear what you're saying about the apps. I do think that if they work for you rather than vice versa it's ok but getting to that point is tricky eh?

Two more questions for you. How did you know you were anaemic and how you are feeling now and secondly, do you have to monitor your calorie intake pretty closely? Do lots of you out there do that?

Hi Maggie so great to hear from you and to know that you are all still out there. It gives me so much comfort.
I hear what you're saying about the apps. I do think that if they work for you rather than vice versa it's ok but getting to that point is tricky eh?

Two more questions for you. How did you know you were anaemic and how you are feeling now and secondly, do you have to monitor your calorie intake pretty closely? Do lots of you out there do that?

I'm still here. Still flirting between coping and not. Caught myself starting to binge and stopped it in progress. A bit bummed out that I started, but going to try and focus on the positive.

New and Maggie I also struggle with apps. I like to know what's a normal or appropriate portion size, and watch what I'm eating (because I think I'm subconsciously trying to lose weight still).

I also want to not use them and sometimes don't. I try and listen to my body and how hungry it is, and not get depressed if I've eaten a bit much at the weekend, say. I don't want to go too far. I recognise obsessive behaviours in them, but want to check what's an appropriate amount IYSWIM? It's all a bit hit and miss with them at the moment.

Overall, I guess I'm ok. I think for me to be "fixed" is the process of learning how to live with my continual thoughts and obsessions about food. I don't think they'll ever go away, I just need to be able to manage them? Or do they go away? Hmmmmm.

Hi there Chance! It sounds like you're making good progress too. I'm so proud of us!

I think that truly ridding yourself (even subconsciously) of the diet mentality does take a long time, so please keep being patient with yourself. It seems like you're in that in-between phase where you rationally know that dieting isn't the answer, but you haven't quite internalised that feeling yet.

I got to the point where I was able to say 'ok, I get it, I'm not on a diet', but it probably took at least another 6 months before I wasn't secretly pleased when I under-ate, or if I found that my jeans were a bit looser. It's a major shift. But I think you definitely CAN and WILL get to the point where food doesn't control you. We all can.

And NewYear, re. the anaemia, I was feeling constantly exhausted, and then fainted for no good reason a couple of weeks ago. My GP sent me for blood tests which showed up the very low iron levels. (Quite proud of myself for going as that's the sort of thing I'd have ignored in the past).

I've only been taking supplements for about a week so I'm not sure if I would expect to see a difference yet. Do you suspect you may need to take supplements?

Thanks Maggie that's really helpful to know. I do feel I'm in that in between stage. Logically I know what I have to do, I can see why and how I've got to this state, but am still holding on with very loose fingertips to the last little bit of dieting mentality.

It's reassuring to know I will get there eventually.

Hello

Sorry for not posting. I was waiting for the "perfect" time to post, which never came! And once it dropped off my 'Threads I am on' it seemed like a big jump to post.

So glad to hear the studies have started fighting. Such an amazing step. Well done for talking about the ED too. Has anyone brought it up again?

Hope the move went ok Newyear?

I am not sure calorie counting will ever work for "us", as the fact we are doing it hints at trying to control I guess? Which probably means restrict?

Well done on going to the Dr's Maggie, sorry to hear about the anaemia. Hope the tablets help soon. I am slightly too, I wonder if there is a link between EDs and anaemia.

Had a really busy period with work - worked everyday for 3 weeks. Eating wasn't too bad but I did virtually no exercise which isn't good for my mental health.

I keep having moments of despair where I wish I could be thinner. I feel really lost as to how I should "be" now re food/feelings around food. I am struggling to let go of becoming smaller thoughts.

However, the rational part of me knows that my self-esteem is the real issue and not the food or my body. Might try a counsellor for that.

Was also toying with the idea of a stylist, there is a local one who is fairly affordable, as I am just so depressed having to order large 'cover up' clothes but I am just not sure I can hold it together to talk through clothes /body shape feeling as I do. And she isn't expecting to offer counselling as well as style advice!!

I also keep having flash backs to having PND, not sure I am completely over it.

On a more positive note I am enjoying this woman's podcasts - www.lifeunrestricted.org/ She was a national radio host in Switzerland but has turned her back on that is now a body positive person. She is a nice change from the American podcasters that are all a bit OTT.

How is everyone doing? Any plans for half-term if yours is coming up?

To follow up my message. I wanted to share this podcast in particular which really resonated. Glenys Oyston of Dietitians Unplugged is interviewed and she talks about her journey to body acceptance. It also reminds us about the madness of dieting. She also thinks that dieting/advertising really got going as women around the world started to be given the vote at the start of the 20th century, which chimes with my view that dieting is somehow linked to misogyny.

www.lifeunrestricted.org/lu012/

Also, I actually had a good day yesterday (last night's post was a reflection over the weeks) and I think some of that was probably down to planning my day. I had certain things that needed to be done and I managed to get them done. I also started the day by doing some back stretches. I have avoided doing them as it makes me feel old (!) but actually I feel better for it and I am sure it sends a small message to myself that I am worth taking care of.

Anyway, how are you all doing?

Hi Margo. Thanks for that link. So interesting. A lot of what she said resonated with me. I was sad when I read about her closing down when friends get too close and I realised I do exactly the same. What a sad thing to say. People think I'm very laid back and relaxed about everything but if only they knew!

Interesting about going to a stylist. I think it could really boost your confidence and focus on the (I'm sure) many many great points about you. I was never a big fan of Gok but he did make people feel a ton better about what they looked like and helped them make some good clothes choices. I basically live in jeans and t-shirts at the moment, so I could probably do with some of that! It's my mum uniform.

The move to Singapore takes place on Saturday. Without boring anyone with the details, it's been very stressful and my appetite has disappeared. Naturally, I was pretty delighted with that but I wouldn't recommend the stress diet to anyone. At a time when we should be looking after ourselves, why do we so often sabotage ourselves and make priorities of the wrong things?

Anyway great to hear from you and to catch up on what's going on in people's lives. Hope the anaemia is getting better Maggie and that you are feeling less drained.

Margot have you had counselling for your PND? It's a tough thing to get through.

Wishing you all the very best in your journeys

Hope the move went ok newyear?

Yes, it is sad that we hide our true selves.

I had anti ds for my PND which helped. Haven't really talked about it with anyone though. I even struggled saying how I was feeling to DH before I went to the DRs.

I think self-sabatage is all part of the ED. I know I do it often. Maybe it feels familiar?

Had a bad patch last week. It made me think about what I can do to impact how I feel. I have been so focused on eating/weight it hadn't occured to me that I could potentially manage how/what I feel through my actions.

So things like exercise & self-care routines. This felt a bit light bulby to me - feels like I have been focusing on the wrong things.

How are your half-terms going? We went away with friends and kids at the weekend. It was great.

Hope you are all ok. Do post if you feel up to it.