Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

This "be kind" bollocks has gone too fucking far...
We're talking about potential people here

@GreyhoundG1rl
I accept it's extreme kindness and not everyone's cup of tea. But technically all donations of sperm and eggs in Britain (if done legally via clinics) is altruistic, which is basically the same as I'm saying.
And people are certainly not doing it for the money. There might be the odd person who gets a weird pleasure out of having lots of little-me's growing up, but I can't help feeling kindness/altruism is the main reason for this.
Yes, we're talking about potential people. That's the point. OP would like another baby. If she does, that will be a person. Doesn't mean kindness has no role to play.

I'm not scared to say cancer, and where on earth have I said you're lying. I don't need a stronger argument. Anyway you have absolutely derailed this thread. The sister is not stopping the op getting pregnant, she can seek another egg donor if she wishes.

Altruism? The boundaries of the sisters gift are being redrawn against standards of contract law and 'be kind' hazing. There is no altruism here the sister has become raw materials.

...Against her wishes.

@MichelleScarn
You are lying about my position when you summarise it. Simples.

Derailed the thread? I read lots and lots of people taking sis's side, and really couldn't believe it, when she'd done the work already. Other people then made weird arguments about babies being abused which was beside the point.

"she can seek another egg donor if she wishes". Because it's really easy even if you've got lots of money is it? Nope.

@FourTeaFallOut
Fairly obvious it was a generic comment in response to another poster's generic comment.
Re the sister, my view is she gave up the eggs, they are now embryo's and so it's up to OP what she does. And yes, I think sister - bearing in mind they are sisters, and the embryo's have been created and her sister really wants a child and she doesn't have to donate or do anything - is being selfish. But it's pretty specific.

No, legally, you are wrong.

Your feelings on the matter are irrelevant in that respect. The sister does not consent to this.

@FourTeaFallOut
I am aware of the law, although just to be clear the sister has consented and has to "reverse consent" rather than consent again.
I was talking about kindness, which is different. I was responding to a generic point made by someone else. Neither of us were talking about the law.
Legally the sister can piss on her siblings dreams. Of course.
I really don't get the way people don't agree with a position, and so decide to lie about it.

I don't think it's selfish of the sister at all.

But when it comes to our own bodies and our own unique genetic profile isn't that definitely the time we get to choose for ourselves. E.g the whole idea of consent.

Just because someone is your sibling doesn't override the importance of consent. Just because you consented once doesn't mean you consent every time.

[quote Pongo101]@Pouragandt but you weren't planning on being armed this time were you? You didn't ask your sister for consent the second time around, just gave her an FYI we're doing the transfer. And you weren't planning on the counseling beforehand.

You make it a dirty secret when you plan to use the embryos without the donors consent or even against their consent, which is what posters like Lewisham are suggesting.

I'm not saying that's the case with your current child. But it very well could be the case if you ignored your sisters wishes and brought a child into this world that the biological mother did not want.[/quote]
She gave her consent when she signed the document once the eggs were retrieved and then fertilised, legally becoming our embryos. She didn't at that point say we could only do one transfer despite having 6 embryos. If this caveat was disclosed when she first offered to be our donor, that would be very different and I wouldn't be here typing this now.

That said, now she has made her feelings clear that she's very uncomfortable with us doing a second transfer, there's no way I would go ahead - just no way.

Piss on her siblings dreams? Give your head a wobble.

she can seek another egg donor if she wishes". Because it's really easy even if you've got lots of money is it? Nope

That's the point though! Of course it's NOT easy, even for the rich, precisely because most people won't ever do donate their eggs for obvious reasons.

The sister made it possible for the OP to have her second child, and now she's duty-bound to do it twice?! The logic is baffling. The sister has ALREADY done something most of us wouldn't. The OP owes her the final say on this. If that means she sticks at 2 kids instead of 3, hard luck.

Good on you, OP, for honouring your sister's wishes. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but it's 100% the right thing.

@RolloTomassi

Good on you, OP, for honouring your sister's wishes. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but it's 100% the right thing.

Agreed!

Just to be clear, I've never encouraged OP to break the law. If she goes ahead when sis hasn't withdrawn her consent via clinic then she's not breaking the law. And if sis has withdrawn consent officially, well she can't go ahead.

@RolloTomassi
But sister doesn't need to do anything this time. That's why I think it's mean. It would be different if she had to go through the create eggs bit again.

[quote LewishamMum]@RolloTomassi
But sister doesn't need to do anything this time. That's why I think it's mean. It would be different if she had to go through the create eggs bit again.[/quote]
But she does have to do something - she has to watch a child the is genetically hers grow up. She has to explain to her children why their cousins are actually their half siblings. She has to consent and she doesn't. She has already done an amazing generous deed but that doesn't mean she has to do it again.

@LewishamMum but it's another biological child to be born, and raised by someone else. Maybe she was willing to help once, but having done it can't face it seeing another of her children born that she won't raise alongside her own kids?

The fact she was good enough to go through it once tells you she's not some selfish cow - she WANTS good things for her sister. But I don't think doing it once should commit to her repeated acts of such enormity. Otherwise where does it end? If the OP had 4 more embryos would it be mean not to want all of those kids to be born and raised by someone else?

Might be going out on a limb but could she be disapproving of how you raise your children/other choices you make?

For EG if the same situation as yours had happened with my SIL and BIL (if my husband had give sperm to them which resulted in their second child and embryos) DH would be horrified if they decided to bring a third child into the world. They see themselves as good parents and their children are lovely but their house is a genuine health concern and despite earning very good money they seem to have constant financial worries and make very poor financial decisions.

So, I can see, under similar circumstances, why should would have an issue.

Also, could she be concerned for your health? If you were close to a hysterectomy for your second it doesn't sound like your pregnancies/deliveries are straight forward.

I do hope, OP, considering the health factor of your almost hysterectomy, that you reconsider another pregnancy, sister's embryo or no. I know this is painful, I had longed for DC#3 for a few years, but we ultimately decided no based on lots of factors. I'm not saying this is a guarantee for you, but I no longer have that longing and I'm very, very content w/ my 2 DDs...in fact, I'm grateful now we didn't do DC#3 as we have a lot more freedom w/both of them as teens - who knew that having teens could actually be a lot of fun - but I enjoy it, each stage. Good luck to your family.

@LewishamMum

Just to be clear, I've never encouraged OP to break the law. If she goes ahead when sis hasn't withdrawn her consent via clinic then she's not breaking the law. And if sis has withdrawn consent officially, well she can't go ahead.

The OP knows the sister has withdrawn consent. The sister has given the OP the gift of a having a second child. To encourage her to ignore her sister’s wishes and ignore her withdrawal of consent is absolutely abhorrent behaviour and I think it is touching very close to being illegal. I’m betting a lawyer could make a very good case against it.