Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Well I am a lawyer and let me explain it clearly. There is a particular process that needs to be taken to withdraw consent. And it doesn't mean saying you have. It's a bit like a will. You can change your will any time, but if you say "oh, I've changed it" that has no legal force. You've got to actually change it/write another one.
If sis withdraws consent she needs to contact clinic. The end. It may be deceitful or immoral or whatever to go ahead after what she's said, but it is not unlawful if she hasn't withdrawn consent in the only legal way that is possible

As a lawyer, you’ll know that the law evolves when unprecedented things occur which verge on the criminal.
The law on consent and invasion on a person is currently a hot topic which is evolving.
It’s not unreasonable to think this could be something which could be brought before the courts.

Upskirting, marital rape, revenge porn were all legal within my living memory.
The law changes when the need arises.

[quote LewishamMum]@Delphinium20
It's not a child, it's EGGS. Every month you throw millions don't the toilet FFS!!! I wouldn't do that to a child lol.
I'm not talking used dresses; I was thinking more of organ donation actually, although the greater the kindness the greater the need and benefit for the recipient.
And OPs sister knows she is not abusive etc. (Otherwise, why donate the first time?) She's done the work, whatever the risks and consequences, there's nothing further to do, than potentially be happy her sister is having another child and she's an Auntie again. What an unnatural creature she must be.[/quote]
Anyone else finding it absolutely bonkers that a (presumably) grown woman can repeatedly state that 'every month you throw away millions of eggs'?
Millions?

Maybe have a little think about that.

I didnt do biology but even I know thats bonkers. Your ovaries contain millions of eggs but only one is released each month or two for non identical twins. Is that correct.

I enjoy the contradiction between

“It’s not a child, it’s EGGS!”

And

“Frankly, if any sister stopped me having another child”

[quote Pongo101]@LewishamMum better for the parents who want a baby that looks like them. Not better for the child.

Here are just a few of the hundreds of possible questions you might have about your identity.

If my aunt is really my biological mother, why didn't she claim me? Didn't she want me? She knew right where I was but when I had that bust up with mum/dad she didn't come and get me.

Was everyone just sitting on this secret behind my back the whole time? Looking at me and knowing the truth while I was in the dark? At Christmas, birthdays, days out. Is that why family member x always kept me at a distance?

Is this why I'm closer to my cousin than my sister? Or: is that why my cousin hates me?

I've reached out to my bio mum and she told me she didn't even want mum to use her eggs. She didn't want me to exist? So i was brought into this world against her wishes? Should I even exist?

That's just from the donor child side. Never even mind the sisters children who will be wondering why their mum involved them in this bombshell without thinking of the impact it would have on them. Why didn't mum put our needs first?[/quote]
I agree with this and the children of the OP's sister also having questions, as they are half-siblings but raised as cousins.

There are positives to this, as opposed to having half-siblings you would never know (unless you find them on 23andMe) if donor-conceived with unknown donor sperm/eggs. The children would all know each other, but I wondered how much of that was covered in the counselling as they are part of this arrangement too, as is the OP's brother in law.

I'm sure the children will be told but at what age do you do this? From the beginning?

[quote LewishamMum]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Well I am a lawyer and let me explain it clearly. There is a particular process that needs to be taken to withdraw consent. And it doesn't mean saying you have. It's a bit like a will. You can change your will any time, but if you say "oh, I've changed it" that has no legal force. You've got to actually change it/write another one.
If sis withdraws consent she needs to contact clinic. The end. It may be deceitful or immoral or whatever to go ahead after what she's said, but it is not unlawful if she hasn't withdrawn consent in the only legal way that is possible[/quote]
Are you in all seriousness advocating this as a method of conceiving?

One of the primary factors for me, personally, in working through the donor conception process, was to consider the situation of any possible future child and endeavour to approach things in the most ethical way possible with a view to their likely future questions. I'm sure other people do have different areas of focus, but not that different - and the OP had already said she wouldn't be up for this kind of approach.

As a personal origin story, there's something powerful about knowing that everyone - and in the case of donor conception that can be quite a number of people - involved in bringing you into the world went out of their way to ensure you had the chance to be here. Knowing, on the other hand, that one party had significant reservations but that your parents went ahead and had you anyway because it was technically legal seems problematic, to put it mildly.

@Persipan
I was responding to something saying it would be illegal. I set out a very basic explanation of why it wasn't illegal. That's it.

So a poster can call the OPs sister a selfish cow and an unnatural creature but suggesting that that poster has a poor grasp of human biology because that mistakenly believe woman release "millions of eggs" every month is against guide lines? Hmmmmm.

*Because they not that.

I’m finding the moderating choices bizarre too

@DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes

So a poster can call the OPs sister a selfish cow and an unnatural creature but suggesting that that poster has a poor grasp of human biology because that mistakenly believe woman release "millions of eggs" every month is against guide lines? Hmmmmm.

I think they go purely on number of reports? So if a post is repeatedly reported they just zap it?

@OhHolyJesus
Both couples, as in me and my husband, and my sister and her husband attended several counselling sessions with the clinic - as couples for a few sessions and all four of us for the others.

Regarding age of the donor child being made aware, they say to sow the seed from a young age so that some form of awareness is there.

We told my daughter (she was 7) when I was pregnant with our son. We explained that mummy has broken eggs and daddy had unhealthy seeds, so her amazing auntie and an equally wonderful man have given us their ingredients so that we could have a healthy baby as mummy couldn't carry healthy babies anymore. She likes to think if him as a rainbow cake with lots of special ingredients ☺️

When our son is a little older, the right time to talk to him about it will come up. It's not about sitting them down and saying "we've got something to tell you". It's more that they will perhaps ask where babies come from or similar, and you have an in them to start the conversation - that's what happened with our daughter...

Hope that helps 😊

That does help OP, thank you, did you sis have similar conversations with her children (your nephews)?

@whattodo2019

I tom wanted 3 children but stuck at two. We can't always have what we want... sadly nowadays I think we forget this...

100% this

@Pouragandt
I think it weird you attended so many counselling sessions but this never came up, even though you say you always wanted 3DC.

My DD is only 5mo, but I'm already talking to her about her sperm donor.

Really hoping your sister has a rethink.

From your last post OP, I've just realised, that your son isn't genetically related to your husband, as your son is a 'double donor' baby. Obviously he is related to you through your sister's egg.

Do you know if the sperm donor has children or his parents was used elsewhere and resulted in other children?

@OhHolyJesus
You find out if a donor has been used to create other kids (although this may not be up to date, and it may be the donor is very new or something, so it's not that useful), but no further info this. The kids, but not you, have the right to find this out at 18. According to my counsellor they are usually much more interested in half-siblings out their than the donor themselves.

@OhHolyJesus

That does help OP, thank you, did you sis have similar conversations with her children (your nephews)?

They're 5 and 3 at the moment - she's planning on it within the next couple of years I believe

[quote LewishamMum]@Pouragandt
I think it weird you attended so many counselling sessions but this never came up, even though you say you always wanted 3DC.

My DD is only 5mo, but I'm already talking to her about her sperm donor.

Really hoping your sister has a rethink.[/quote]
I think it was covered but she's either forgotten or changed her mind. When I broached the subject a couple of days ago on the phone, she was understandably surprised I said we were planning on going for another transfer rather than asking how she felt about it, but when she heard why we'd like to try for another she wished me well and said to keep her posted.

The next day I got a WhatsApp saying I hadn't thought about her feelings, how hurt she was and how she only ever intended for us to have one with back up embryos if the first didn't take. It's more like her to pick up the phone, so I have an inkling her husband is dead against it and said to put everything in writing to me so it's documented. She just seemed to do a 180...

@OhHolyJesus

From your last post OP, I've just realised, that your son isn't genetically related to your husband, as your son is a 'double donor' baby. Obviously he is related to you through your sister's egg.

Do you know if the sperm donor has children or his parents was used elsewhere and resulted in other children?

The sperm donor to my knowledge has none of his own children which he raises, but he has had live births resulting from his sperm