Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

@AlternativePerspective
Never be your child? Never genetically of course (doh), but never your child. So, um, I take it you don't believe in adoption? That view is really antiquated.

I am completely baffled by how extreme people are in taking the sister's side. I can't help thinking they've never been unable to have their own children, and don't seem to have any feeling at all for someone in that position. (Oh, and just to clarify, I did get pregnant with my own genetic child and have good chances of giving her several siblings.)

I really do think the sister is a selfish cow. Frankly, if any sister stopped me having another child like this I'd never speak to her again.

I wonder is your sister concerned about your health. You mention that you had a difficult pregnancy last time.

At least reopen the discussion on what this means for the children/siblings who will one day be adults themselves and looking for answers. Surely you would want to look them in the eye and tell them you did everything you could to make sure this was the right decision for EVERYONE. Not just, the eggs were now mine so I went ahead and used them

It's really a minefield, and yes, I wish more people would think about how this impacts a child.

@Pongo101
But surely donation within a family is better if possible - then the child is a close genetic match to at least one of the parents, even if not genetically their own child.
@AlternativePerspective
Comparing using a spare frostie to surrogacy is daft
@purplecorkheart
She doesn't seem to have much concern about OPs mental health or happiness. And if OP can cope with another potentially difficult pregnancy, who on Mumsnet would normally think it's for anyone else to stop them getting pregnant again? Unlike in a natural pregnancy, she'll have Drs on the go from the start.

I really do think the sister is a selfish cow. Frankly, if any sister stopped me having another child like this I'd never speak to her again.

Jesus Christ!

@LewishamMum better for the parents who want a baby that looks like them. Not better for the child.

Here are just a few of the hundreds of possible questions you might have about your identity.

If my aunt is really my biological mother, why didn't she claim me? Didn't she want me? She knew right where I was but when I had that bust up with mum/dad she didn't come and get me.

Was everyone just sitting on this secret behind my back the whole time? Looking at me and knowing the truth while I was in the dark? At Christmas, birthdays, days out. Is that why family member x always kept me at a distance?

Is this why I'm closer to my cousin than my sister? Or: is that why my cousin hates me?

I've reached out to my bio mum and she told me she didn't even want mum to use her eggs. She didn't want me to exist? So i was brought into this world against her wishes? Should I even exist?

That's just from the donor child side. Never even mind the sisters children who will be wondering why their mum involved them in this bombshell without thinking of the impact it would have on them. Why didn't mum put our needs first?

She's absolutely not being unreasonable. Destroy the eggs as per her wishes. My gosh she gave you a child. I just wish I could unread this. I really don't like you.

I really do think the sister is a selfish cow. Frankly, if any sister stopped me having another child like this I'd never speak to her again

Shit, imagine being selfless enough to give your sibling your own egg, and they refuse to see you because you had the audacity not to want a second biological child in the world that you aren't raising.

You're looking at it the wrong way. OP's own body stopped her having kids. The sister enabled it to happen! To treat her like you suggest above would be appalling, and would only solidify my resolve to say no tbh.

a spare frostie

Errr... it’s not a bit of the sister’s leftover breakfast we’re talking about here.

@LewishamMum I think you are by far and away the person with the most “extreme” viewpoint here.

Before the thread got derailed, the vast majority of posters showed compassion for the OP’s situation but empathised with the sister.

You, in contrast, have persisted in using completely dehumanising language to downplay any potential emotional connection or impact; and have charmingly referred to the sister as a “selfish cow”.

Luckily the OP possesses actual human empathy and will be doing the sensible thing and reaching out to her sister for a proper discussion that takes into account all points of view.

Who knows - maybe her sister was just caught off guard and had a knee-jerk reaction, and may change her viewpoint after a proper discussion?

@LewishamMum agree with pp your views and terminology are extreme, why are you writing about 'forced adoption' and given your idea that women should be 'sisters' and happily donate eggs where and whenever, I'm confused why you are not sharing your own 'frosties' which is a very strange, dehumanising term I find.

@Dyrne well said

[quote Delphinium20]@LewishamMum Giving away your CHILD is not equivalent to donating your used dresses. I think all mothers should warn their young daughters away from the trap of 'being kind' and 'giving a gift'. Women's body parts should not be used like that - and children should not be so easily given up. Unlike adoption, an egg donor has no guarantee that the family raising her child is safe - there are no checks to ensure egg recipients aren't abusive, awful people! Your arguments are quite disturbing.

And egg stimulation/IVF does have risks for future fertility.

www.weareeggdonors.com/blog/2015/11/13/leah-campbell-on-egg-donation-and-endometriosis[/quote]
Absolutely. I'm sick to death of 'be kind' being used as a key to manipulate women's boundaries.

[quote Pongo101]@LewishamMum better for the parents who want a baby that looks like them. Not better for the child.

Here are just a few of the hundreds of possible questions you might have about your identity.

If my aunt is really my biological mother, why didn't she claim me? Didn't she want me? She knew right where I was but when I had that bust up with mum/dad she didn't come and get me.

Was everyone just sitting on this secret behind my back the whole time? Looking at me and knowing the truth while I was in the dark? At Christmas, birthdays, days out. Is that why family member x always kept me at a distance?

Is this why I'm closer to my cousin than my sister? Or: is that why my cousin hates me?

I've reached out to my bio mum and she told me she didn't even want mum to use her eggs. She didn't want me to exist? So i was brought into this world against her wishes? Should I even exist?

That's just from the donor child side. Never even mind the sisters children who will be wondering why their mum involved them in this bombshell without thinking of the impact it would have on them. Why didn't mum put our needs first?[/quote]
Wow, it's really not like that! We're armed in with info on how to tell loved donor children how they came to be and how special they are. You make it sound like a disgusting dirty secret

@MichelleScarn
I picked up the term "frosties" from Mumsnet. I've never heard it used in any other place, but it's the widely used term here.
If you read my posts you would realise I'd like to donate but can't. But why read when you can bitch? Why take into account desperate circumstances which give you an understanding when you can gloat knowing you've got no problems anyway?

Tbf most of what I said was in response to someone with extreme views who didn't think OP mattered at all, and was using emotive words about giving up a baby and not knowing if it might be abused. This is an absurd analogy and I said so. I say so again.

Most people are not seeing it from both sides. They are privileged into not having any difficulties, and are only seeing it from the sisters pov.

And can we remember sis doesn't do anything this time, except not veto a siblings happines.

They are privileged into not having any difficulties, and are only seeing it from the sisters pov.

You have absolutely no idea if that is true. You have assumed as much merely because they have not adopted your frosties world view.

@Pouragandt
Absolutely. I tell my mother of all the time for saying father when the word is donor. I took photos of the room where I had my treatment so I could help her understand when she's very small. It's made very clear that you should bring kids born via donor up this way, and it's hardly new.

Seriously, best of luck. I don't know how you can bare it. I'd honestly just get in touch with the clinic asap and try and go ahead without her knowing if I were you.

@Pouragandt but you weren't planning on being armed this time were you? You didn't ask your sister for consent the second time around, just gave her an FYI we're doing the transfer. And you weren't planning on the counseling beforehand.

You make it a dirty secret when you plan to use the embryos without the donors consent or even against their consent, which is what posters like Lewisham are suggesting.

I'm not saying that's the case with your current child. But it very well could be the case if you ignored your sisters wishes and brought a child into this world that the biological mother did not want.

I don't know how you can bare it. I'd honestly just get in touch with the clinic asap and try and go ahead without her knowing if I were you

So you would rob the sister of her right to object and plough on bringing a baby into the world who's genetic mother is known but whose relationship is severed because her legal mother acted deceitfully? This is how you'd bring a human into the world because you decided wanted another one and you have some morally ambiguous narrative about frosties?

@LewishamMum
Most people are not seeing it from both sides. They are privileged into not having any difficulties, and are only seeing it from the sisters pov.

Nope - I'm infertile and while I have huge sympathy for the OP I don't think she has the right to create a child that is biologically her sisters if her sister doesn't want her to.

Oh and of you think women release "millions of eggs every month" you need to sign up for some biology lessons.
I suspect the sister is regretting her initial decision but doesn't want to hurt the OP by telling her this.

[quote LewishamMum]@MichelleScarn
I picked up the term "frosties" from Mumsnet. I've never heard it used in any other place, but it's the widely used term here.
If you read my posts you would realise I'd like to donate but can't. But why read when you can bitch? Why take into account desperate circumstances which give you an understanding when you can gloat knowing you've got no problems anyway?

Tbf most of what I said was in response to someone with extreme views who didn't think OP mattered at all, and was using emotive words about giving up a baby and not knowing if it might be abused. This is an absurd analogy and I said so. I say so again.

Most people are not seeing it from both sides. They are privileged into not having any difficulties, and are only seeing it from the sisters pov.

And can we remember sis doesn't do anything this time, except not veto a siblings happines.[/quote]
Not gloating @LewishamMum and think its bizarre you said that, also you have no bloody idea if I or other posters have had problems.
I haven't seen any of your posts stating you cannot donate any of your 'frosties', yes l read you have had poor health which is absolutely dreadful but you seem to have a blase attitude towards other women's eggs and what you feel they should do with them in order to be kind and not as you say selfish cows...

@MichelleScarn
Jesus. I think a) a SISTER who has already done the work, is being selfish; b) I think it is generally kind to donate eggs, although of course should never ever be compulsory, which I wouldn't have thought needed stating.

"Poor health". No, I'm in good health. I had CANCER. Say it. That's why I froze my own eggs. That's why it is prohibited for me to donate. You really should not dismiss that as "poor health".

I don't have a blase attitude to other women's eggs. I think everyone should be kind, and a sister stopping her own sister getting pregnant is, yes, selfish, and unkindness on a level I just cannot comprehend.

Why do you think your argument is stronger by lying about what I've said? I think it's kind and good to help others, including via egg donation if you are privileged in that way.

@littleredberries

She's absolutely not being unreasonable. Destroy the eggs as per her wishes. My gosh she gave you a child. I just wish I could unread this. I really don't like you.

They are no longer eggs, but embryos. Big difference.