Newly separated dad seeking guidance on childcare, maintenance and the house

[JKIWKX]

Newly separated as a Dad and just hoping for some guidance...

Recently separated from partner (not married) who we share a mortgage and 2 young children, I have moved 2 minutes down the road into my parents so have been able to still do school runs on a morning Mon-Fri and take them out on Sat or Sun.

Problem - I have requested 50/50 because I can accommodate these sleeping arrangements but she has stated she's only willing to allow the children to sleep at mine on a weekend to minimise disruption but i'd still have them 2 days during the week but must take them back to her for bed time. I pushed back on this because that doesn't seem fair. I was then willing to compromise on this arrangement for 12 months or so until I have a place of my own, on the basis that I privately give her monthly maintenance that would be reflective of 50/50 as on my days I am still financially responsible other than bed time. Is this unreasonable of me? Otherwise I can't help but feel she would likely receive several hundred more that I could use for saving for a property or treating the children.

I also don't believe she will want to sell the house we own for several months, if not longer which just slows down my need to find a permanent place to live, as well as her. I'm obviously still contributing 50% of the mortgage also

She's now applied to the CSA and I have filled in an expense form but it feels as though she's controlling the situation and I am having to just play to her tune...

Any advice/guidance on what I should do next? Is Mediation the only option?

If you can’t agree between yourselves meditation is the next step. 50/50 should be accepted unless there’s a compelling reason not too.

How old are the children?

You said young children - how young?

Are your parents expecting you to pay them rent and third of bills too?

I think mediation is probably your easiest and cheapest route.

Children are 3 & 4. Both are at pre-school with eldest starting reception this September.

Parents aren't expecting any rent at the moment but I would like to pay them something in the coming months for sure.

That's difficult. I see her point in not confusing the DC by having them see the grandparents house as home for a few months, then you move, especially if she will also have to move when the house is sold. They could end up haveing 4 homes in less the a year, which isn't idea for toddlers, especially while also adapting to parents living separately.

On the other hand, whatever is established now will quickly become the childrens normal, and all they remember in a few months. If they only stay with you weekends now, your relationship could shift and you could end up stuck as a weekend dad.

I suppose it also depends on whether she returned to full time work after having the babies or whether it was agreed she took a financial hit of being part time/ a sahm. Can she afford to feed and house the little ones?

Edited for spelling.

This. Did she sacrifice earnings to take on the parenting?

Also you said reduce maintenance on the nights you have them. Do you know they need clothes, hobbies, childcare fees and nit just food?

I challenged her point as currently the routine they have has its faults. They don’t sleep great and that’s her main concern if they stay with me but I believe children so young are very adaptable.

I would like to have 7 nights over a 2 week period but her insistence on only alternate weekends makes me question if the intention is more financial as opposed to routine.

As for the weekend Dad concern, I haven’t considered this because I would still take and collect from school and spend time with them for dinner and then return just before bed time. Our time together wouldn’t just be the weekends

Just see a lawyer, this is where it will end up anyway.

I challenged her point as currently the routine they have has its faults.

So what have you been doing up to this point (of separation) to get them in a better routine yourself? I'm assuming you did at least 50/50 bath and bedtimes for the past 4 years?

She’s currently working 30 hours per week and I’ve been giving her money every month to just save her of having to use her own money on taking the children out etc. She could easily increase her hours due to school etc

I was then willing to compromise on this arrangement for 12 months or so until I have a place of my own, on the basis that I privately give her monthly maintenance that would be reflective of 50/50 as on my days I am still financially responsible other than bed time. Is this unreasonable of me?

If it's 50/50 there is no maintenance (I assume you mean child support). You have the children 50% of the time and pay for everything they need during that time.

However, I do think 7 days is too long for either parent to go without seeing their children when they are so young. Would it not be better to split the week?

Do you have childcare plans in place?

Yes so the money I give her would be more than enough for clothes, clubs and food etc. I’ve always said if any other expenses come up that aren’t monthly, I will always be more than willing to take care of.

Sorry I meant 7 days split over 2 weeks

4 days one week (who’s weekend it is) and then 3 the next etc

A lawyer can advise you of the likley outcome.

This will mean that you have a reasonable chance of getting what you ask for and sound reasonable.

Your first mistake was coming to MN as a single dad for advice. By the sounds of it there may be financial motive here regarding minimising overnight stays with the children. You having them all evening, doing their homework and settling down for the night to then get them up again to do their bedtime routine at their mum’s makes no sense whatsoever. If your ex can’t afford the mortgage she will have to downsize.

As a pp said, consult a solicitor asap. Accept the offer of mediation and then take it to court if an agreement can’t be made.

Sleep was better when I was living with them, besides I would be up with them 90% of the early mornings as and when they happened.

That seems ok then.

Court option is too costly so mediation is probably as far as I could go.

I think you should stick with your idea of 50/50. In the eyes of the CMS calculations, it is done on overnight stays, so i do wonder if this is why she is insistent on them Not staying with you when you want them to.
I would honestly go and get some advice from a solicitor. As you cannot move elsewhere until the house is sold or she buys you out, you need to get proper advice on how/when/where etc.

agree with all of this

You will also need at least a serious threat of Court to get the house sale started

You really should take legal advice. Why are you talking about paying maintenance. That's not even a thing. Unless you are super, super rich and your wife gave up work to look after the children?

In your case it could be a 50/50 split, no maintenance and no child support. Sell the house, each take your share of the equity (which a court would decide).

That's it. Pretty simple and worth the legal advice.

Oh, I see you're not even married, so no, you should not be paying maintenance. Who told you should be paying that?

I thought maintenance could still be due even with a 50/50 split?

She’s already applied to the CMS on the current arrangement of it not being 50/50 so if I dig my heels in and insist on 50/50 via a mediator, is that my best hope and then CMS would correct/alter the maintenance due?