Ridiculous divorce moments

[Ridiculousdivorcemoments]

I’ll start - this is intended to be lighthearted.

Looking back 14 years later, I can finally laugh at the absolute circus that was my divorce. It took three years of "carnage" to get through it, but some of the court moments were pure farce.
Despite me offering a 50/50 split, my ex (an Oxford grad with a maths degree) decided to empty our accounts, leave me with nothing, and eventually counter-claim for £300,000. It got so ridiculous that the judge literally told him he was "on a different planet."
The best (or worst) part? We spent an entire day in court arguing over:

• A Spork: The judge asked if it was sentimental. My ex: "No, but it's MINE." 🍴
• A Wooden Spoon: He couldn't describe it other than it "felt smooth in his hand." I could hear the judge’s eyes rolling from across the room. 🥄
• A Guinea Pig: He wanted one of the kids’ pets (and its water bottle), but when the judge asked which one, he didn’t even know their names. 🐹
• A Children’s DVD: The judge finally snapped, telling him he hadn't done years of legal training to sit there and listen to such "ridiculous" nonsense but the judge did write in the order that ‘The wife keeps full possession of the DVD Finding Nemo’ - I can’t help but think that was put in there deliberately in writing to make a point.

The judge ended up giving me the house and told my ex he summed up everything wrong with the marriage. My barrister didn’t have to say a single word; I did name the guinea pigs that was the only time I spoke!

My barrister used to say to me don’t say anything we just need to get him a bigger diggers.

What is your moment of standing there thinking this is ridiculous??

My mum and dad both went to church and were very involved in play group, fundraising, church theatre group etc. my dad ( multiple adulterer) told my mum she could have the house if she said she’d cheated to save his good image.

She did, was pretty shunned by a few idiots but not everyone. Turned out he hadn’t paid the mortgage for months and we were facing eviction! Thankfully my grandfather bailed us out!

In my divorce I sold the family home with no help from Disney dad - was moving forward with the purchase of a new build. He went into the sales office and told them to cancel everything as we were getting back together.

Thankfully the sales team were on it and called me - I laughed and told them to ignore him.

He came round that night to explain that he wanted to try again but wouldn’t give up the other woman until he was sure it was going to work as he didn’t want to risk ending up alone - I declined his kind offer.

We were in court. My ex said that I was always late picking up the children up and sometimes didn’t turn up at all.
I was aghast.
Turns out the ‘not turning up’ was ONCE, when I was rushed into hospital during cancer treatment and he dropped them off at my mum’s for me.
The judge dismissed that and asked about the late pick-ups.
My ex said I was meant to collect the DCs from him at 4:30, but I sometimes arrived at 4:31 and sometimes as late as 4:34.
The judge shouted, “Mr Dickhead, that’s not LATE. That’s TRAFFIC!”

Oh the lies they tell. It depended on who my ex was talking to but I was either shagging men I had never met from the forum we were on, a lesbian, sleeping with my own cousin (a whole continent away whom I hadnt seen since we were kids) and a load of other things. I did eventually buy him off the deeds and mortgage but even up until two years ago he was lying about that saying he 'let me' stay in the house etc. None true.

Yep
He hadn't seen them in years but had got wind of them going away with their mates(both where over 21)
He thought this was perfectly acceptable and it was all my fault that they laughed at him

My ridiculous moment came from the judge.

ex and I had been separated for over 20 years, during which time I'd payed the mortgage and all the costs that went with it. Because I continued to live in the house.

Husband wanted to divorce and to be off the mortgage. His deal, which I felt was fair, was that I got the house, his name came off the deeds and he paid for the divorce he wanted.

The judge requested that I attend the court, at the other end of the country which would entail a long journey and at least two days annual leave to make sure i knew what I was doing.

I rang the court and told them I'm a grown person, I knew what I was doing.

My pension was likely to be greater than his, my salary at the time certainly was. Ok, he may have, for example, won the lottery, but that was nothing I was interested in.

My ex decided the kids and I could only be allowed to live in the cheapest area, in the houses needing lots of work (ie shit holes) after fleeing DV and relocating 100 miles away to live with my mum.

Turns out the judge used to live in the same town as I'd moved back to and gave ex very short shrift in expecting his DC to live in squalor while he "needed" 3 bedroom house so the kids could visit twice a month.

I see your Finding Nemo DVD and raise you... when my elder brother got divorced from his wife in Australia, his ex was pretty difficult, but even now, 30 years later I can still remember the grin on his face when he told me he did OK as he walked away with his John Wayne videos, and that was all he needed.

I am not sure I will ever forgive her after she rang my mother when she was terminally ill to tell her that her son did not care that she was ill. She rang my mother again but I picked up the phone and may have given her both barrels after she told me she thought it was best to be honest... not sure I can forget her hurting my mum like that after, my mother has shown her nothing but kindness.

Not me but dps ex wife

When they broke up,he met another woman (not me) about 4 months later and the ex wife went batshit

Ringing him up at all hours to scream abuse at him (and his parents/workplace)

The police went round and had a word,she calmed down until dp and the new girlfriend called it a day (shes an amazing lady and I get on well with her)

She found out and started up again-hed been single for about 6 months when he met me

She started up with the phone calls again (police again had words but she ignored them)

Her demands where that:

He gave her his salary and we could live off my wage (wed been together 3 days at that point)

He get the snip-i wasn't to get pregnant

We could never get married as she is the 'only Mrs common surname' (I did point out his mum was 'Mrs common surname' too-she called me a liar and slammed the phone down)

We could never live together

I wasn't allowed to go near her house (I didnt want to) or go to the village where she lived (which is just down the road and i have friends there)

He had to buy another car as she had 'memories' in his old one

We could have sex but only at the weekends (never did work that one out)

He was to walk her dog daily (an untrained lab-was nothing to do with dp,she got it after he'd moved out and she resented that poor animal)

He was to go round once a week and do her food shop for her (she knows her way around a food delivery)

He wasn't to use the Internet-not even to make a phone call

If she wanted a lift anywhere,he was to be her unpaid taxi driver

He had to stay in his old job and never get a new one

He had to pay the vets bills for her cat (that he'd never met as she got that the same time as the dog)

She went through my friends list on FB and told everyone I was a 'marriage wrecker' thankfully my friends and adult children just ignored her

(Oddly,when she saw me in the street,she put her head down and ran away-big and hard on the phone but a coward in real life)

It was a long 8 year battle to get her to agree to the divorce,mainly due to covid-she wasn't bothered about him,she just wanted the status of being married and not divorced (it cost us a fortune in bailiffs alone)

It was a relief when it finally went through-seems women can be just as bad as men

The judge found my XH’s answers to that form you fill out with your monthly income requirements. He filled his out saying that he required several thousand more each month on his own than we had ever earned between us when married. Not sure where he was expecting that money to appear from, especially as he was unemployed at the time!

My ex husband took my ring back then a year later the cheeky fucker asked for the original box and certificate too. 😳

I was only in my early twenties at the time so thankfully we didn’t have any assets but I paid for the entire divorce.

Now I look back and laugh. When we separated, he kept all Christmas and birthday gifts he’d ever gave me, including a pair of riddled manky socks.

Annoyingly he has seemed to thrive in life and has a very good job now despite being the tightest bastard I’ve ever met.

I had a boyfriend whose ex wife was just like this! Just before we split, she demanded he get a vasectomy so I wouldn’t fall pregnant. She then told his mum she wasn’t allowed to meet me or become friends with me or it would make her depressed.

I dumped him and ran for the hills. He ended up getting back together with her shortly after when he was being made homeless.

Does your ex have a red nose, wear big shoes and go by the name Ronald MacDonald? 🤡

Yes, pretty much. That fact that she wore stockings (bear in mind, this was decades ago and they were American Tan jobbies, not red fishnets) must have meant that she was out walking the streets every night, touting for business! 🙄

Mine complained it was unfair that as he had left me for my friend I knew all about his girlfriend but he knew nothing about my love life.

My ex and I actually did both the divorce and financial seperation between us - I defo got the better deal which was odd given he was a lawyer but the funniest things were he wanted his Nans mixing bowl even though generally he had no idea how to cook never mind bake, the dyson upright vaccum which I was glad to be rid of and the thing that irked me most was a fleece blanket I had made before I went to Uni and had for 13 years - we had four or five but he wanted that specific one, I think he knew it was sentimental - honestly though I thought it was a small price to pay. I kept the house and eventually made 80k on it. I sometimes wonder if he still has it 27 yrs later

One of my besties her ex filled out his monthly expenditure saying 50 quid hairdressing needs...he was bald lol

thats horrific that he broke your legs - im so sorry

Mine claimed poverty, debt and threat of bankruptcy whilst living in a rental costing over £3k a month and claiming his living costs were £7k a month.

The judge told him he shouldn't have spent his entire pension fund on fripperies. This included a fake wedding abroad which cost over £30k. All the costs were in his bundle. He also had £20k of legal fees outstanding from his first set of solicitors who wanted to start recovery proceedings.

He missed filing dates, Court dates, I had to serve papers using Court Bailiffs - there was just so much bad behaviour on his part.

Mine pale in comparison.

XMiL using my friends recent death as an excuse to send me a long email showing she'd fallen for XH lies as to why we'd separated and why I was in the wrong. I had great fun replying to that one, with evidence.

It seems XH did not appreciate me telling his mum the truth.

Outing if my friends (or lawyers 😂) are on here, but the judge said (exact words) ‘I’ve seen some daft questions in my time, but these take the biscuit’.
Loads of irrelevant questions designed to try to embarrass me like ‘Does she still dye her hair?’

We all laugh but I sort of get it.

No divorce as not married but when I split up with my ex I had to pack and send all his belongings ( arrested for being a paedo as his bail conditions prevented him coming anywhere near me - banned from the town I live in). I kept the small vegetable knife that had been his because it was the BEST knife ever (never found one before or since) it just fit my hand perfectly and the blade had been used for years and was just shaped nicely. It has been his mums but I kept it.

I DID however “compensate” him by including in his boxes of belonging the contents of the hoover… all the dust from the shed along with the dead spiders. Some rotting prawns and I kindly emptied all his jigsaws into one box for him too. He demanded random things like Christmas “family ornaments”… I smashed those into pieces and gave him those and the Father’s Day cards from the kids… burnt those and gave him the ashes.

It really sounds like your ex should be on this thread telling that story 😬

No where near as amusing and desperate as some of these.

I went to see a solicitor about starting divorce proceedings. Two weeks later I got a letter from the same office representing my STBXH.

I went to a different solicitor and when solicitor 1 sent me a bill I was quite happy to call them and say I wasn't paying.

I was told I had to pay, I told them they could not represent both parties. They didn't send any more bills.

Second solicitor did a good job, I got legal aid so I wasn't paying. He kept not responding to letters and I think they had to get a bailiff (not sure if that is the right word).

One of the funnier parts was which grounds I was going to use, the solicitor said adultery is fairly straight forward but did I have any proof. Well yes I did, the OW was pregnant with his child. She nodded and said, yes that is remarkably good evidence.

I have many ridiculous ones too, lots I have filed 13'd as I think my brain just wanted rid of them.

But he came over the visit the dc during covid times, and he started helping himself to items out of my grocery cupboard. He took out two new jars of instant coffee and set them aside with some other things. When I asked him what he thought he was doing, he said that he paid for these things as he paid maintenance (not even the full amount). And what was I doing with so much coffee when I didn't even like that brand. I had bought a 3 for 2 deal so I had the two spare in my pantry, that I planned on using. And it was always my favourite brand.

Very trivial but that just stuck with me. Just summed up his arrogance.

It is utterly amazing how men seem to believe their less than minimum maintenance is somehow paying not only for all the DC expenses, but the entire household, luxury travel and nail salon visits for mum..