Single international dads, how do you cope?

[Blackadder89]

I will not go into much detail but our marriage is coming to an end in the UK and I will be moving back to my home country. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7. Together we have a child of 12years. My wife is British. Our child is a dual citizen.

To cut a long story short the move to the UK has mentaly destroyed me and I cannot see myself living here in the future. I am ND and the change was too drastic for me. Our marriage was fine back home but here has reached rock bottom.

My wife does not want to relocate. We spoke about it and she is scared she might be trapped there if we divorce in my country.

I don't have any other option but to leave.

Single dads who live abroad or far away from their children... how do you cope? I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and I don't want to break it. My wife and I are seperating amicably and we agreed that I can have our daughter through the summer holidays and I can come to visit over the christmas and easter holidays.

I just had a massive cry over a letter I wrote to my daughter. I don't want to live in this emotional state forever.

I would definitely try moving before living a 4 hour flight away.
University cities always have a bigger mix of people. Now you’ve said where you are I can see why you might not have settled. Why don’t you try and visit a few places and see what they are like.

not that far if you drive and easy enough to get to from Glasgow on the train so you are finding excuses. What Job in Malta is going to give you the holiday leave you need to see your child? Do you have a plan for that?

Well to be honest OP I know someone in an identical situation and they have a great relationship - other way round though, dad stayed, mum ( Spanish) went back to Spain - he flys out every month, kids ( and it’s more than 1) cone over in holidays for extended stays, they WhatsApp and FaceTime several times a week - I think it’s all down to you and the effort you make, please do right by her and put that effort in - she will get to a stage where she looks forward to the trips, probably a lot more than if you were 6 mines down the road and depressed

It really does seem to be all about what you want here. I'm sure you are concerned about your daughter but not as concerned as you are about yourself. You've been unhappy for 3 years. That's not really very long - not as long as your daughter is going to be unhappy when she realises you value your happiness over hers. But maybe she won't mind, her mother will so all the work and you'll have hit the jackpot.

You've made it very clear you have no intention of doing anything that doesn't serve you and no one can stop you moving, but I don't think anyone can really tell you how to 'cope' - if you're happy to move away you'll get over any sadness you have without much trouble I'd bet.

Also a weird UK-bashing side vibe.

To be fair I only know four teens/young adults whose parents moved to another country after a breakup (three dads and one mum) but all four of them are pretty fucked up in various ways by the abandonment.

But yeah, I’m sure your mental health is more important than that of the child who you chose to bring into the world.

Where in Scotland? There are parts of the country that are quite diverse, like Glasgow and Edinburgh where you might feel more at home and not be so far away from your daughter?

Sorry I've just seen this after asking where in Scotland. North Ayrshire is probably amongst the least diverse areas so I am not surprised that you've felt that you stick out. Glasgow is just over 30 minutes drive away. Why not live there and try to settle so you can be a more regular presence in your daughters life until she is an adult? Moving to Malta might be your preference, but I worry that it will really harm your relationship.

Nope. Because you haven't said how you plan to mitigate the harm.to your dd. You juat keep bleating about how hard it is for you. Its a mindset I dont get. If its that hard, ok, fine, make a chamge. But instead of focusing on justifying it, focus instead on how that change can be done so as not to impact your dd.

Are.you medicated? As the partner and parent of males with ADHD, I'm sympathetic to the challenges. But I'm completely unsympathetic if you aren't doing anything to help yourself.

I imagine she would choose to have regular contact with both parents rather than a happy single parent living four hours away.

You are putting your own happiness above hers.

So you separate and move five or ten miles away. You don't put 2,500 miles between you and your daughter.

@Blackadder89

In answer to your question, I believe that parents who move away from their children, lose an important connection with them that is irreparable in the future. The connection goes from being part of their daily lives where you can read changes in their body language, understand the little things that make them laugh, know their friends, be part of their hobbies and interests and be the person they drop hints to when they need you to just quietly be there for them. You might be best asking this of adults who had parents move away, about how that impacted their relationship, rather than of parents who made this move, believing that it was best all round and seeing it through that prism. We can never know what might have been and no option is perfect.

Looking at your situation from a different perspective, including that of your ADHD diagnosis. You were unsatisfied with the life you had in Malta and wanted better for your daughter, so moved to Scotland where you have found it difficult to fit in, have experienced racism and have left several.jobs. Now you want to move back to Malta but without your wife, who no longer wants to be married to you, and without your daughter.

I wonder if you might benefit from some support, understanding how your ADHD affects your life, your relationships, your work and your decision making. Some behavioural psychology support, some career and job coaching, some relationship support from someone who understands the dynamics of a relationship where one person has ADHD, the goal not necessarily to save your marriage but to improve your relationship as parents of your daughter so that you make the best decisions for your family and not a decision that you believe is right for you.

I think it would be useful to also explore what benefits, medication might bring for you. Some people talk about how medication changed their lives and allowed them to be in control and to thrive for the first time ever, though there are also some effects and some people report feelings of depression.

This should be a family decision but it sounds like there are also opportunities for you to explore your own personal growth. Explore how you can build your own happiness, career, sense of self while remaining present for your daughter for the next 6 years.

Your child is 12. She's started her secondary education in Scotland. She needs to finish her secondary education in Scotland. You made the decision to move there. As a mother, I wouldn't move my child and disrupt her education at 12. As adults, you made decisions, and now you need to suck it up. If you move to Malta rather than Glasgow, you are choosing your happiness over your child's. You are transferring your misery to her and damaging your relationship. That's on you. That's a choice you'll have to live with. I think it's selfish and unforgivable.

What is it with men and being so easily able to abandon their children?

The vast majority of mothers would never even consider that moving away from their to child to another country was an option.

You're very close to Glasgow - massively multicultural city. There is definitely racism there (not as much as the sectarianism though) but much more diverse than Ayrshire. Try living in Glasgow & working on yourself before you leave the country. You'll still have ADHD in Malta - plus you left there in search of more opportunities, so it wasn't perfect was it?

So deal with your ADHD, get that under control, learn some skills to cope. Believe me when I say I understand how debilitating it is.

But do all of that before you make such a drastic decision.

OP, Malta is not the other end of the world and tour daughter is now old enough to travel on her own. Flights ro Malta are reasonable and even very cheap in the winter.

Your priority will be to do everything to save so that you can travel to her and she to you very regularly.

Keep in very regular contact online and plan tour next time together regularly.

As long as you maintain regularity and commitment, everything will be fine.

I really do understand that it must be difficult for you. However I agree with previous posters that you should try to stay until your child is an adult, which is not that long. Why don’t you move to Glasgow, which is very diverse and welcoming? You will never repair the broken ties if you move so far away now and I think you’ll regret it.

It's very much a transparency to the fact that deep down men think parenting is optional. Or, if not optional, 'someone else will take care of it'

You know what they say nobody fights harder for 50-50 custody than a man who wouldn’t let you have 15 minutes in the shower alone without the children - When they think that’s going to reduce their child support liability and they’re going to get you to do all the Work raising the children anyway despite what the paperwork says

Absolutely not. You knew how to spell "Ukrainian" correctly. Your spelling of "Polish" with a "p" is offensive. It is entirely irrelevant that your father had an issue involving one Polish person (yes, still capital "P").

I think that this post is really sad for your daughter.

I want you to imagine that you were settled and happy somewhere, you met a new girlfriend and after a couple of years of living together she decided to move to Paris and you couldn’t go. She is proposing that you continue the relationship, that she visits a couple of times a year, and that you can call.

I want you to think about all of the ways that her decision to move to Paris would damage your relationship. Would you even want to do long distance? Would you feel that was enough to see her? What would happen to her relationship with your friends and family? What would you lose?

And then I want you to think about whether your daughter is more or less important than your relationship of two years.

You're being ridiculous, it was clearly an oversight when typing her message.

How easily fathers walk away. I’ll never feel sorry for a man who chooses to walk away from HIS child because he’s not enjoying the life that he actively chose for his family. Utterly shitty thing to do and the women on here saying it’s not an issue and she can travel are equally as awful.

This is such a good analogy and really brings it home.

I'm sorry darling, this overseas move that we made together hasn't really worked out how I'd hoped, so I'm going to leave you and move to another country indefinitely and see if that makes me happy. You can visit! It's only a four hour flight, it won't change our relationship, things will still be totally fine between us.

As if.