Single international dads, how do you cope?

[Blackadder89]

I will not go into much detail but our marriage is coming to an end in the UK and I will be moving back to my home country. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7. Together we have a child of 12years. My wife is British. Our child is a dual citizen.

To cut a long story short the move to the UK has mentaly destroyed me and I cannot see myself living here in the future. I am ND and the change was too drastic for me. Our marriage was fine back home but here has reached rock bottom.

My wife does not want to relocate. We spoke about it and she is scared she might be trapped there if we divorce in my country.

I don't have any other option but to leave.

Single dads who live abroad or far away from their children... how do you cope? I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and I don't want to break it. My wife and I are seperating amicably and we agreed that I can have our daughter through the summer holidays and I can come to visit over the christmas and easter holidays.

I just had a massive cry over a letter I wrote to my daughter. I don't want to live in this emotional state forever.

You’ve had some good advice so I’m here to tell you to not be ridiculous! You’ve been here for 3 years! That’s it.

your child needs you. It took me ages to move out of my hometown and thought I was stuck - but now we’ve moved. I didn’t just leave dd there and move myself 🥺🥺

how will her mother feel, doing the majority of parenting alone?

can you visit somewhere with expats from your home country? If you’re in London, you are very likely to find some?

best of luck x

Mother has mentally moved on. In earlier conversations we both agreed that there is no love left.

We are in Scotland. Foreigners are few and far between on the side are on.

You don't owe any specific poster a response, but I took the time to give you some real thoughts on how you can do this (based on conversations I had with my brother who, at one point, thought he would have to do this and so we were talking about how to manage it), and the only thing you picked up is that you don't know what BIL means?

Yes, it's brother in law. And mine was a terrible distant father and his relationship with his children have never recovered. His children are also damaged as a result.

Honestly, my dad did this - we don’t have a proper relationship now. It’s hard to keep one over phone call / video call and sporadic visits (tied to school holidays or annual leave). We genuinely don’t talk now, we send cards on birthdays but that is it. That is a real possibility for your relationship now with your daughter - are you willing to take that risk?

How to you plan to be a father from a 4 hour flight away? You are essentially prioritising yourself over her (rightly or wrongly) and she’s old enough to know this and see it for herself, especially at her age now it’s such a monumental time in a child’s life - she will remember this forever. How are you going to mitigate this?

Are you going to be able to afford to contribute to her upbringing? Fly out to see her monthly?

Ah okay - what about just visiting your nearest city to see what it’s like? or going online to find locals?

i know you don’t want to be too outing but I think you can share your home country with us?

her mother has moved on romantically, which I suspect has hurt you, but you’re still your DD’s father - she hasn’t moved on, op! xx

Your entire post is focussed on how YOU feel, how YOU will cope. Nothing about how your child will feel about being abandoned.

Don’t kid yourself that coming over twice a year will be enough to maintain a relationship. It won’t be. In a few years you’ll have the same status as one of her hundreds of Instagram friends.

Entirely your choice, but that will be the consequence. Or stay and seek help. Or move to a more multi-cultural city in the UK where you can actually be a present father, a part of her life.

If you say whereabouts in Scotland you are, maybe someone who knows it could advise somewhere friendly that won't be racist (as you've found this a problem at work.) The Men Sheds in the previous post sound friendly

I’m an immigrant in Scotland. Do you have residency here? Can you try living in edinburgh or Glasgow? It’s such a vital time for your daughter and an absent father will be so difficult for her. Unless you’re wealthy, you won’t be around a lot and that’s awful for a teenager. I’d try harder to find a middle ground - even somewhere in England would be better financially for visits.

Are there any locations in the UK where people of your nationality live you could move to for easier contact with your dd than moving back home? You could find work with them too

My dad moved back to his home country for 2 years when I was about 13. It was an awful time in my life and ultimately has caused massive issues in our relationship (and his relationship with my siblings). It’s an incredibly selfish thing to do. Move somewhere else which is more diverse and accepting but don’t disappear from her life.

Which country are you moving too?

Your daughter needs her dad. She's 12. I think it would be better for her if you stayed in the uk until she's older. Do you deserve to be happy? Absolutely, but your child's happiness should be your priority. You need to find a way to be happy here.

I'm sorry you are experiencing Racism. Where do you live? Maybe it would be worth moving to a more multicultural area.

Malta

I was not happy growing up because of a dysfunctional family due to a narcistic dad. Did it leave a mental scar? Hell yes. Would it have been better for my mum and dad to split up? A 100% yes for our happiness.

I don't want our daughter to see us unhappy. That is my point.

West coast of Scotland. I know racism is everywhere but here is amplified!

North Ayrshire

You need to suck it up, if you want to have a relationship with your daughter. It's just not possible to maintain that when living in another country, no matter how often you call or have her for the holidays.

Are you going to tell her you can only be happy far away from her, and not in her day to day life? That's what she will hear anyway.

You don't want her to see you unhappy, but she won't actually be seeing you at all.

Edit - irrelevant now, questions answered. Sorry folks.

I’d be devastated if I were your daughter that you'd
move so far away from me.

I had a friend who moved to Canada when her DD was 10 and her father had no choice but to see her in the holidays and via Skype. I have no idea how it affected their relationship but after living with him for a year in England she’s moved back to Canada and is pregnant with her first child.

Nobody is saying you have to stay with her mother though.

Where are you from?? I am foreign and if you want to chat about culture, please do. I have been here for ages and I have too, 0 connections. I meet people at work but once I leave, this is it folk

Are ND people not able to live inner lives??? Even here

Move. That doesn't mean moving back to Malta. That means moving to a city so you can see your kid every weekend or every other weekend rather than just during school holidays.

Move to Glasgow. It's Scotland most ethnically diverse city. It under an hour from your kid.