Single international dads, how do you cope?

[Blackadder89]

I will not go into much detail but our marriage is coming to an end in the UK and I will be moving back to my home country. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7. Together we have a child of 12years. My wife is British. Our child is a dual citizen.

To cut a long story short the move to the UK has mentaly destroyed me and I cannot see myself living here in the future. I am ND and the change was too drastic for me. Our marriage was fine back home but here has reached rock bottom.

My wife does not want to relocate. We spoke about it and she is scared she might be trapped there if we divorce in my country.

I don't have any other option but to leave.

Single dads who live abroad or far away from their children... how do you cope? I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and I don't want to break it. My wife and I are seperating amicably and we agreed that I can have our daughter through the summer holidays and I can come to visit over the christmas and easter holidays.

I just had a massive cry over a letter I wrote to my daughter. I don't want to live in this emotional state forever.

Where does your friend live?

I have not held a job for more than a year, i am impulsive, day dreamer, dont fit in etc..

Now is the time to really work on that impulsive streak. Also, give a bit of thought to what it might be like to be married to someone with the traits listed above, to move countries, only to be faced with dissatisfaction and a 180 ping pong back to Malta.

Your wife is digging her heels in, understandably, and your child is stuck in the middle. You do have a choice here, excercise it.

There is plenty about my life that is not a match for me but my love for my children was stronger than anything else that the world could throw at me so I make it work as do all loving parents

I’m not sure what of these things will be solved in another country. You need to hold down a job with a significant income to have your daughter in your life. How will you manage that by moving? What about when you get bored again?

Clearly your wife wasn’t happy in Malta, and even if she was I can see why she’s digging her heels in now if you were the one to uproot them and take them to rural Scotland of all places and want to leave again after just three years - and I say that as someone who lives in rural Scotland. I wish I didn’t a lot of the time but for now I have to for work.

It seems nobody can answer your actual question here. You’ll have to choose between your daughter and your home unless you can hang on here in the UK for another six years is the crux of it, as leaving her at 12 years of age will be disastrous however many holidays she comes to you for.

And all this stuff about far right…you’ll seriously leave your daughter because of Farage and his ilk? What exactly are the difficulties in this area you’ve experienced in Ayrshire?

3 year wall... 1st year its great life is good. 2nd year doubt sets in and say to your self i will give it another year. 3rd year its decision time but you dont see yourself living here.

We moved to north ayrshire because my wife has a property here. I wanted better prospects for our daughter. Seeing the situation the UK is in, i now believe she is safer in Malta.

But what "situation" is the UK in?! What are you talking about?

Honestly, the 3 year thing as a myth from Reddit. It's not real life.

You are using these arguments as excuses to leave, I'm afraid no sympathy here.

Hostility and racism. I was called a black man in my last job. It is not something that makes you wake up in the morning looking forward to a days work!

For context i have a tan but i would not say im black. With no disrespect to anyone.

I couldn’t abandon my child, unless a country was unsafe. Scotland is not unsafe. Especially no the west coast.

OP if you want an ongoing relationship with your DD you will take on board some of the really good suggestions here. Move to Glasgow. See how that goes. You can have contact every week.

Also ask yourself how much of the issues you are having stem from the breakdown of your marriage rather than difficulty settling in the UK? I'd say the marriage breakdown will be having a huge impact.

That's why Glasgow would be a better move. It has the potential to solve your issues with isolation and racism as well as helping the relationship with your DD. I don't understand, if you are really a loving father who wants the best for his child, you won't consider giving that a go?

I would not be living where I currently live if I were not supporting a relationship between DC and their father. I would not dream of leaving the country and moving away from my children for any reason at all. It simply would not happen.

I have lived overseas and there are a list of places I would rather live, but it's not going to happen in this lifetime because I have children, I am divorced from their father and I prioritise them. The thought of removing myself from their lives, is ridiculous.

You're conflating the reason you're struggling socially and at work, and this 3 year wall nonsense, is just that, it's nonsense.

I was not happy growing up because of a dysfunctional family due to a narcistic dad. Did it leave a mental scar? Hell yes.

Get some help with this, and with your ADHD diagnosis. Don't create another shitstorm childhood.

Because i feel i have been through the wringer. I dont want sympathy. At one point i thought i was the problem for all these work related targets. So last job i had i made sure to go in with a complete different mind set. Spoke to everyone and made sure to interact. I was still called a black man. Do you think that is acceptable? For context i am tanned yes but i would not describe myself black. With all respect to everyone.

Lots of children and parent[s] live apart, army families, boarding school, ex pat workers. They'll be fine long term so long as there's a strong relationship in the first place.

Not excusing racism but…You’re going to abandon your daughter (be under no illusions, at 12 you will lose her if you move back to Malta now) because one of the worst things that has happened to you here was that someone at work referred to you as a ‘black man’?

My Ukrainian father didn’t up and leave me when he was getting punched and called a terrible derogatory term for a Polish person (not sure its allowed on here so I won’t) on a regular basis in the 1970’s - he stayed and loved his family and made good friends because that’s what he had to do as a husband and father.

Really? I completely disagree, you've described classic examples of environment contributing to MH issues in children and later in adults.

Why did you spell "Polish" without using a capital P? That's offensive.

Are you joking?

Try the cities first before going as far as Malta. At least then you can do alternate weekends.

I can’t imagine there are many jobs at all and being an outsider is really difficult let alone being a foreigner

Facebook have a scottish maltese group page

I agree with the others Move to Paisley or Glasgow both are on the coast train line to keep contact with your child

Maltese Community in Scotland and North of England | Facebook another group

This is a list of reasons for issues in later life. Couple it with a divorce and you've got therapy bingo!

The Maltese are all up in perth and inverness.

So try moving to Perth or Inverness.

Bluntly, she's 12 - she should not be put in a position where she is responsible for her parents' happiness. You have to put her first, even if that means a few years of hard times for you.

You created a child, you don't get to just abandon her and move to another country because you think you'd be happier there.

I too have ADHD, I know how much your brain craves change, maybe you're telling yourself that you'd be happier if you could only go somewhere else. You won't be. No matter where you flee to, you cannot run away from your own brain. You will have the same struggles there as you have here, plus you'll have abandoned your daughter at a crucial age.

Go to your GP, ask for a referral back to the psychiatrist who diagnosed you with ADHD, and look into treatment options. Support groups can be incredibly helpful in finding ways to work around your condition and fit into a neurotypical world. Or maybe medication would help? You need to actively seek out help for your ADHD, don't just sit around and blame it for your troubles.

Mate, Perth and Inverness are too far for you to be bothered with...?