Single international dads, how do you cope?

[Blackadder89]

I will not go into much detail but our marriage is coming to an end in the UK and I will be moving back to my home country. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7. Together we have a child of 12years. My wife is British. Our child is a dual citizen.

To cut a long story short the move to the UK has mentaly destroyed me and I cannot see myself living here in the future. I am ND and the change was too drastic for me. Our marriage was fine back home but here has reached rock bottom.

My wife does not want to relocate. We spoke about it and she is scared she might be trapped there if we divorce in my country.

I don't have any other option but to leave.

Single dads who live abroad or far away from their children... how do you cope? I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and I don't want to break it. My wife and I are seperating amicably and we agreed that I can have our daughter through the summer holidays and I can come to visit over the christmas and easter holidays.

I just had a massive cry over a letter I wrote to my daughter. I don't want to live in this emotional state forever.

Do you really not have a choice ?

I feel I have hit a 3 year expat wall. Tried everything and did not settle. My wife says the marriage is over as there is no love left.

You do have a choice. Moving might be the right thing for you, and even potentially ultimately for your family. But own the fact that it’s a choice you’re making, not something that is being done to you.

Thanks for your comment. It means a lot.

It sounds like the distress of leaving your child will understandably be huge and it undoubtedly will not be easy for her either. Could you not try and build a life somewhere else in the UK? Say an hour or so from where you are now, so that you can still see your daughter regularly?

I don’t think you’ll get much sympathy on here but I really feel for you. Is your home country a long flight away?

What problems are you having living in the UK, if you are specific people might be able to share advice, there are lots of people with ND or have partners with ND so people might be able to help.

I have come to the conclusion that the UK is not a good fit for me. The culture mismatch is too strong.

Although I tried to be social and go out and excersice, I still did not make 1 single connection while living here.

I am trying to think positive and get out of this melancholy.

Well, you stay. And go to therapy, and visit your country more often, or whatever. Having kids broke me in ways I didn't know I could be broken, but I didn't abandon them. The fact that you are planning to leave your daughter behind says everything. And in that case, please go without drama. Save her from it.

I’d address your mental health with professional help before making such a life changing decision for you and your child. It is a choice that you have and you will also have to take responsibility for the consequences of that choice which may impact your more negatively than you are being impacted now.

Ideally you'd stay another 6 years as your dd will be a young adult then. Have you tried joining clubs?

How far away is home? Are there significant cultural differences? Can you afford regular airfares? Do you have somewhere to stay in the UK when you visit? What happens when DC decides to refuse to visit you and/or go home to the UK (teenagers are tricky).
Ive seen this situation go badly so many times. Money and work demamds mean the visits drop off. Teenagers want to stay with their friends. Daddy becomes a man they see on holiday once a year. Or daddy starts a new family abroad and kids get very upset.
Is there any way you can stay in the UK to have a proper parenting relationship with your child? Leaving is a big decision and will have life long ramifications.

A 4 hour flight away. I am not looking for sympathy tbh. I am here to see how other dads manage.

What about Men Sheds? They are designed to help with male loneliness I believe. Designed around activities rather than just talking. There's tons of them across the country
https://menssheds.org.uk/sheds/#:~:text=Sounds%20like%20joining%20a%20Shed,Learn%20more

Most other dads wouldn't leave their child behind. It's a hugely drastic thing to do, and will certainly have an impact on her to grow up without a present father.

Can you not stay, at least for a few more years until your child is 18 and finished with school? I get that you'd prefer your home country, but is it worth your daughter's happiness and her right to a father who's involved in her life?

Very few will understand where you're coming from, OP. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation; it's an unbearably difficult decision to make.

If you can afford it, i would try to fly back once a month (assuming your home country is in Europe) to spend the weekend with your daughter. Call regularly, even if it's just a quick 'good night, sleep well, I love you'. Is she into gaming at all? If so, is there a game you can play together, from a distance? Try to maintain good relations with your ex, so you're on top of what's happening at school and when big events are, so you can attend. Plan holidays will in advance (and agree them with your ex, obviously), so you both get fun time to spend with your daughter. This includes Bank Holidays and shorter holidays like Easter break, not just summer.

Racism at work is a major factor. Had plenty of jobs and I was targetted in 90% of them. When i raise the issue with HR, my ADHD gets overwhelmingly bad and i resign. We have a saying from Where i come from. The dog that is scalded with boiling water, thinks all water is boiling. So now I gave up on the prospect of having a career here. Not to mention that job hunting is a major downer here.

Very good point but then again, does she not deserve happy parents?

This is going to be harsh, so brace yourself: you created a life. You owe her your presence. You don't get to swan off because this period of your adult life isn't quite what you want, and devastated her childhood in the process. Shame on you.

Get help, get therapy, get a job. Be a father.

I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is, will your mental health cope if your daughter turns around and rejects you because you have been unable to find a middle ground. I understand it may be very difficult to think of the impact on her, but have you thought about it? Done any research into situations like this and how they turned out, from all perspectives, what any experts would advise etc.
Have you been able to find a community of people in the UK who are from where you are from, who might have advice, it might help to share where you are from so people can advise. What ADHD support are you currently getting and what have you already tried? Lots of great people on this board who might be able to signpost you in the direction of people or coping strategies that can help. Im sorry you've experienced racism, thats really awful to hear.

I am largely in the same camp as other women on this thread that I think it's on you to sort. But, let's accept it's happening and you are moving.... how can you manage this to be less detrimental. For a start, the detriment you have to focs on here is your DD - so how do you minimise impact on her?

Are you actively involved in her life currently? Becuase if not, this is going to be even worse. Let's say you are. She's 12. So old enough for a phone. Which means you need to be proactivel engaging with her. Send her pictures and memes, call regularly. But no pressure. Don't be having meltdowns because you called and she didn't answer ror only spoke for a few minutes. IN real life parenting, most of the time our interactions with our DC are not deep meaningful chats of an hour, but in passing chit chat while making breakfast, driving to football, as they come trhough the door from school.

Make sure you stay current on what's happening at school. Stay on email distribution lists for newsletter and parent info. READ IT. Pay attention - if she has a test, ask her how it went. If you're good at maths, can you help her with her maths homework remotely? If she's practicing for a dance show, can you facetime to watch her practice? Whatever works for you and for her.

Visit as often as you can. Sorry, but easter and Christmas isn't good enough. You need to make more effort to get over here more frequently. 4 hours isn't insurmountable. Make sure you're here for that major match when her team is in the final, turn up for the school play, come over for parents evening, don't miss her birthday.... etc etc And yes, this will be expensive. It's important though so prioritise it.

When you're here. Don't isolate her. Yes, you want to see her but that doesn' tmean she should have to cancel her football training or attending her BFF's birthday party. Drive her around, spend time with her between, plan fun activities between.

Oh, and continue to pay. Reduce friction between you and your ex by making sure you're meeting your share of the financial obligations. If you can, treat her when you have her (even if those treats are agreed with your ex eg new coat, new shoes, phone etc) Don't bad mouth your ex. Don't badmouth England - this is where she lives.

Oh, and for the love of all that is holy, don't be like BIL - who complained to the entire family, regularly, that his DD "never called him" and would then punish her by not answering the phone when she did.

I think you really need to put your daughter's well-being over yours. You created a life and she needs you. Unfortunately, there is too much self-pity, too much 'me, me, me' in your post. Too much selfishness. And I am saying that as an immigrant who has lived in a few places.

I think this is good advice

What? Brother in law?