Single international dads, how do you cope?

[Blackadder89]

I will not go into much detail but our marriage is coming to an end in the UK and I will be moving back to my home country. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7. Together we have a child of 12years. My wife is British. Our child is a dual citizen.

To cut a long story short the move to the UK has mentaly destroyed me and I cannot see myself living here in the future. I am ND and the change was too drastic for me. Our marriage was fine back home but here has reached rock bottom.

My wife does not want to relocate. We spoke about it and she is scared she might be trapped there if we divorce in my country.

I don't have any other option but to leave.

Single dads who live abroad or far away from their children... how do you cope? I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and I don't want to break it. My wife and I are seperating amicably and we agreed that I can have our daughter through the summer holidays and I can come to visit over the christmas and easter holidays.

I just had a massive cry over a letter I wrote to my daughter. I don't want to live in this emotional state forever.

Im Maltese. I have been here 3 years and i feel i have hit a 3 year expat wall. The country is gorgeous but connections are hard to form. Happy to chat

I second moving to Glasgow if racism and loneliness are your problems.

At least try it - moving a four hour flight away (plus travel back and forth from the airport to her in Ayreshire) will kill your relationship with your 12 year old as sure as eggs is eggs.

If Glasgow doesn’t work you can move back when she’s 18 - which would be so much better.

As I suspected, you dont actually care about the damage to your daughter. Its all about you. You haven't acknowledged a single comment asking how you plan to mitigate the harm to.your dd. You aren't even willing to consider a smaller move.

See ya.

Yeah if legally allowed I’d move to Glasgow. It’s more than 4 hours away from your kid from Ayrshire to Malta. You’ll be totally disconnected and she’ll suffer. Appreciate you shouldn’t be miserable but at some level it’s more your responsibility to find a way through than hers.

You seem to have an attitude problem.

Of course i care about her. I have been miserable for 2.5years. If i did not take her wellbeing into consideration i would have moved already trust me.

Does that answer your question?

What people are saying (and you’re not responding to) is that you can try and build a different life nearer your daughter before you take such a drastic decision.

It doesn’t sound like you’re thinking about her wellbeing and seem to think that she’ll be happier with a dad several hours away by plane.

And it’s not 4 hours. Travel to the airport, wait around there, 4 hour flight and then baggage collection and travel the other side unless your family home is close to the airport. How often will you and she be doing that? Will she be expected to travel alone to see you?

Yes i get your point but what if i don't like my environment. The country is not the greatest or most accomodating for foreigners just now. With Farage and far right theories.

You've been miserable for 2 1/2 years because of the decision you made. You need to live with those decisions. You moved here with a child. Now you need to suck it up. Your relationship is over. You are unhappy. Find stuff to make yourself happy. Do therapy. Move somewhere multicultural. Don't transfer your misery to your child by being selfish.

When I was 17 and my brother 13 my parents split up. My dad had been out of work for a while and had really struggled to find a new job (the entire company closed so thousands out of work). He moved an 8 hour drive away. He came back every other weekend - drove out after work Friday and drove back after dinner on Sunday. He was there for anything important and he paid for everything. After I graduated high school I decided to move in with him so he bought a bigger house and welcomed me with open arms. My brother moved there a few years later (he lived in a great city with a good university). He worked hard to make it work for us.

So what are you prepared to do? Are you flying back every month? Are you organising for her to come to you in between? What’s your plan to make this your problem and not hers? All travelling should be paid by you plus a good maintenance on top as no one asked for this and it’s not your daughter or her mother’s problem that you want to leave.

My parents divorced. I'd have quite enjoyed this to be fair. As it's only four hours away, id try have her over to you or you to her for long weekend and some of your annual leave if possible, rather than just Xmas, summer and April. End of the day, her family is in your home country and this allows her to also keep up a relationship with them.

My teens and my 21 year old (when she moved to uni at 18) prefer to keep in touch with me on Snapchat. They message on that regularly throughout the day. If your daughter's the same, I'd download it to keep in touch if you don't have it. Agree with her she can call whenever. Let her know this absolutely isn't about not wanting to be with her and it's breaking your heart you won't be but you just haven't settled in in this country and miss home. She maybe feels the same if you've only been here 3 years.

As an aside, I live in Ayrshire (not north) and I'm really surprised to hear you're experiencing racism. I know north is a bit rougher but there's not much of that here at all. Or if there is maybe I'm just being ignorant to it because I'm not racist, but certainely in my circle of friends, family and work no one is racist. I'm sorry and embarassed you've experienced that.

12 year olds don’t get long weekends unless you mean bank holidays. It’s also not 4 hours. It’s the journey to the airport - who will sort that? Add on 2 hours waiting at the airport and then a flight. It’s a day travelling there and back. For a child?!

I actually can’t get over how selfish it is to just fuck off and leave your child!!

I agree. We live in Aberdeenshire and my DH works in Germany at least once a month. Its less than a two hour flight from Heathrow to Munich but it takes about 12 hours door-to door.

I imagine ‘North Ayrshire to Malta’ is similar.

frankly?
Sometimes as a parent we have to suck it up and do things we don't want to.

I think the advice to relocate closer to where your daughter lives is good. Worth a try, at least.

The thing about the "3 year expat wall" is that it isn't a permanent thing. If you wait, it will pass. The first years of living in another country are very hard, as you have experienced. But you will adapt and you will settle in. You are splitting up with your wife so you don't have to live exactly where you are if you dislike it. But you can move to Glasgow or another larger place and live there until your daughter is grown.

I'm what you'd call an expat. I think like in every country there are things you love and hate about where you live. I think it's 17 years for me now (I lost track) and I definitely had years of thinking I'd rather not live here. 2016 was one of them, for obvious reasons. Recent rise in far right politics also makes me feel this way, but this is not unique to the UK, sadly. Being an expat is not an easy run some people think it is, quite the opposite.

I have no idea what you're talking about when you repeatedly refer to a '3 year expat' crisis, this is not 'a thing'. You're telling this to yourself, I promise you.

Personally, I think you were bonkers to move to North Ayrshire from Malta simply because the contrast is too severe, especially for a ND person. Kindly, you should've been able to identify this issue before.

You have to put your daughter first. You're her dad. You're not a single man.

Why don't you try moving to the North of England where the crowd is more diverse and there are more opportunities and slightly better weather? You'd be closer to your daughter.

I really wouldn't rush with any drastic decisions, you're talking yourself into this negativity, IMO you sound depressed. Depression is never a good adviser in life decisions, and it makes you self-centred.

Well my son is off on Friday this week and goes back to school Wednesday next week, so that could be a long weekend. September, we have a Friday and Monday off, that could be a long weekend. Understand now?

I'd understand your point if he had lived here her whole life, he hasn't. They came to this country only three years ago. She's lived 9 years in Malta, his home country. If he hasn't settled in, is it him being selfish or her mother for keeping her here. I'd rather be living in Malta than North Ayrshire. The daughter will get to live between two countries and see both families. Life happens.

This is because you are ND not because you are in the UK.

You say you didn't make one single connection while living here, but arguably the single most important connection of your one life will be here, and you will be making a decision to literally and figuratively turn your back on her, if you leave the country where she lives. Through no fault of her own, she lives here.

I think you need to buckle down and do the parenting, and put your own social life to one side for now. If when she's 18 you still feel the same, after you've tried your hardest to carve out a life for yourself nearby to your daughter, then you can think again. Move somewhere more multicultural, Glasgow is a great example, and be on hand for her if you value her.

It's her right to have a relationship with you, not the other way around, and flying her out for holidays is going to leave a very bad taste in both of your mouths, and long term you will likely find that you have huge regret and a minimal connection with your daughter. You need to decide what your priority is. You can't have your cake and eat it.

My ex husband and father to my DD did this - moved back to his home country because the “racism” he experienced in the UK - he was white but not British and has a foreign accent. Also neurodiverse - autistic . The job situation wasn’t any better back in his home country - the issue wasn’t racism. It was his neurodivergence/ attitude. I am not white and have actually experienced racism.

Our DD judges her father - she sees other divorced parents co parent 50/50 as her norm and sees that her father prioritised his life, his friendships etc over being a present father. I have never said anything negative about him, neither have other family members. She has formed a conclusion though that if being a dad was important to him then he would visit more than 3 days at Christmas and 3 days at Easter. She has no desire to visit him. He has created such distance that she doesn’t really want to talk to him.

your post is all about YOU , that you aren’t happy, how YOU will manage. Where is the concern for your DD and her mental health, her self esteem?

if you choose to abandon your child, don’t be surprised when that is the end of your relationship. When you leave, you will take yourself and your problems (which you blame on your ADHD) with you. I have ADHD. I don’t use that as an excuse to abandon my responsibilities to my child.

Both my wife and child were happy in Malta. I wanted to relocate because i wanted a better future/opportunities for our daughter. I wanted to give her a better life than i had. What i am seeing around me, i now have come to terms that she is safer in Malta.

Our child loves both countries. She has connections in both.

The resentment towards my wife started when i showed my wish to take them back with me to malta but she refused.

That is how we are in this near seperation scenario.

So YOU decided to move and 3 years later your dopamine-focused brain decided it's not good?

I'll be honest, I'd be the same as your wife right now. This is absolutely wild. You aren't adulting, you haven't done enough research before making a huge life choice clearly, and knowing your difficulties, and now you're doing a 180.

Honestly, my STBEXH is exactly like that, ADHD, insufferably egocentric and lacking empathy or adult sense of responsibility, as well as changing his moods and needs as fast as the wind blows. You need to manage your ADHD not move countries.

My Maltese friend also experiences a lot of racism. I get what you mean about the cultures being very different. Im sorry you’re experiencing racism. Many on here won’t understand the emotional impact this can have on a person and how unsafe it can feel if you’ve been targeted.
id recommend moving somewhere bigger and joining in with other expats.
I think you need to stay until Shes finished school though

Not quite the same situation as DH and i are still very much a couple, but he works on another continent 10 months of the year. It's not ideal, but he comes home every few months, we go there in some of the school half terms and then there's facetime every day. It can work! As long as you and your ex make it work. Make firm plans for visits well ahead of time etc, so everyone always knows what's happening, who's where and when etc.

I do have a concern about my daughter. I did say in an earlier post that i have felt like this for 2.5 years. If i was not putting my daughter first above all else, i would have left already.

My adhd was diagnosed recently and it felt like grief. I have not held a job for more than a year, i am impulsive, day dreamer, dont fit in etc...

Trust me my adhd is on another level.