DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

Just wanna stick up for Abbey and shoe-gate…I have autism and adhd…if I don’t leave things exactly where I know I need them to be and visible then it disrupts my routine having to go and get things that are tied away and I end up completely overwhelmed so systems like this can really help with executive function. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it.

I’m sorry you’re married to such an arse OP

All our everyday shoes live by the door. Admittedly, it's a long row of trainers and walking boots, but better than treading goodness-knows-what up the stairs.

Good lord OP. You get ONE life. Is this how you want to spend it?

Yes, I keep my shoes and boots (circa 35 to 40 pairs) in storage in our small dressing room. I chose a pair of shoes or boots to wear each day depending on what I am wearing and doing. I put that days shoes in the hall. At night I put them back in the dressing room. Not bizarre at all.

That’s fine;let him fuck off and fit a mug who will appreciate him.

Bully’s can’t stand people who stand up to them and will attempt to beat them back down.

Sorry OP, this is hard. He sounds very like my Dad, who retired early. Narcissistic tendencies, controlling, abusive and grumpy. My poor mum has suffered him for 50 years -
god knows why. He has got worse and worse and worse, more pedantic, more controlling and more abusive. Retirement was worse not better. Mum also has dementia now and honestly, their relationship and being around them is fresh hell. He has no patience and is utterly awful to her. Get out of that marriage, start the ball rolling this week. Your life will be peaceful from then on.

The more you write about him, the more awful he sounds. Has he always been like this? That being said, your DD should not leave her shoes by the front door unless that’s where everyone else leaves theirs. She doesn’t need to leave them there to remind her when she goes to work - she’s hardly going to go out without shoes on is she? You say she’s untidy - how untidy? Who clears up after her?
Regarding your DS identifying as non binary. Why the big deal about letting his/her parent know that’s what they believe they are? If my DC told me they were nb I think they’d get a ‘that’s nice dear, what do you want for tea’ response because gender ideology is harmful, regressive and promoted by social media so I wouldn’t want to get into a debate with them. Those claiming your DH is homophobic are conflating gender identity with sexuality, which is very common.
Your family sounds a bit dysfunctional TBH.

As someone who has family members with ADHD and possibly autism, the idea of leaving the shoes by the door etc before going out, is a FANTASTIC way of ensuring they remember the shoes or other things before going out. It is a legitimate 'hack' for want of a better word, to help executive functioning skills. It is great that your DD is putting these in place. Your family needs to be supportive. The rest - your DH sounds controlling.

Having read your posts, I can’t get my head around why you would stay.
You have separate bedrooms. Now that’s not always an issue but I think it sounds like you have separate lives.
Again, I’m appealing on behalf of your daughter because once, I was in a similar situation and nothing, nothing prepared me for when my mother was no longer there.
If you stay with this man you are subjecting her to further abuse.
You have a good salary and could probably buy a decent home outright. Maybe smaller, but one without all of this shite - his shite, his shite behaviour, his shite abuse.
If you think it’s too late and you are stuck please please think of DD. You are not going to be around forever even if you live a long life.
You do not want her life ruined. She’s 27 there’s plenty of time to let her live, with you, in a free home where friends can visit, where she can be her real self.
You literally have a choice - it’s him or her now.

You know not everyone has a small dressing room right? Or any dressing room at all. A pile of shoes not quite making it to the shoe rack near the door is perfectly normal in the circles I move in. But that's not mumsnet land. But then most people i know are also tolerant of people living their lives and being a bit different. And that's also seen as a terrible thing on mumsnet. He sounds abusive to me.

OP this must be quite overwhelming. It might be worth starting a new thread in divorce/separation when you have had time to think.

It sounds like you have accrued many assets during the marriage so financially you will be all right.
You’ve had lots of good advice. Don’t act in haste but use the next 4 weeks for information gathering.
open your own bank account and get a credit card in your own name (if you don’t already have this). Monzo is very easy to open online.
Make a spreadsheet and start listing all the assets. This includes pensions. It sounds like you have no debt.
Make an appt with a solicitor and get some advice about what to expect. You say you work from home, do you go to the office ever? Do this on a day when you should be out. Make a list of questions so you don’t waste time. There’s also good advice online about what needs to happen.
Read about coercive control and emotional abuse. Though I think your husband is probably ND too.

20 plus years is a long time to be together. It will feel daunting, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You probably have become so used to living with this stress that you are oblivious to it. Time to take back control. You deserve better.

There is absolutely NO reason to stay with this man. What on earth are you doing? You have a 6 figure salary and multiple properties. Your children are adults and the child you share together isn't living at home and is too afraid of this man to come out.
Honestly just leave.
Just divorce him.
You would be so much happier and you know it.
He sounds like an absolute misery to be around. Putting a fkn mark on the thermostat!! I'd have walked out then.
What is the point of wasting your life like this? You aren't poor. You'll be absolutely fine after a divorce.
Just tell him. He wont accept it because he sounds deeply controlling. But he doesn't need to accept it. You do it. Go through the process. He will eventually have to accept it.
Its time for you to be assertive and think about your future.

Can people stop going about shoes!
Why is it people don’t read the updates.
It is about abuse in a home not bloody shoe racks!

Ok I haven't been reacting to comments about non-binary/gay but really, can't people look beyond their own preconceived ideas about this and be kind. Its not a choice, its an innate part of who they are.

Yes, our everyday shoes live in the bedrooms. And we just wipe our feet carefully on the mat by the door (and go straight upstairs). Dirty shoes (hiking boots, gardening shoes) live in the cellar.

Too many people with their own needs, DH is totally stupid about washing clothes and dishwasher. Kids are making a fuss over nothing. No one has any resilience.
Just leave them to sort out their own lives. whilst you are around they will treat you as the "parent" who sorts it out.. Stop it.
Sell them all, kids, house, cat, anything with a value and runaway to sea or Provence. It will be spring their soon.

I fecking despair on here, I really do.
Read the room, and not just the hallway!

Thank you, it is overwhelming. I have my own bank account. This was a source of conflict previously as he wanted a joint one, but I like my own financial independence. And I suspected he would be questioning everything I spent as well.

Can I keep the cat :-)

Can you, dd and the dcat move out, rehome yourselfves and support yourselves? @NewCyanFox

Your husband sounds like an abusive twat, it's understandable your DD wants you to divorce him.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if Billy was also ND. It might explain his struggles and confusion around gender.

I'm amazed people are still quibbling over where shoes go.

NO to cat. Only one case of clothes.
No one appreciates you. Shake the dust from your sandals and depart.

If your daughter was in school, uni or a workplace she would be able to request reasonable adjustments. But she can't have them in her own home? Some people with autism and/or ADHD really do need visual systems and reminders and the fact that so many people don't grasp this is horrifying. She's not being some princess, but your husband is being an absolute wanker.

She said the house he owned is now in joint names, as is their holiday home abroad. I don’t think money is going to be an issue here.

Some of us don't have a dressing room or a cellar. In any case it's not about the shoes. We've moved on.